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Am I overreacting?

ru79 posted 5/22/2020 11:51 AM

It has been a while since I have posted anything, and I believed that I had a second chance with a new person I met.

I have been in this new relationship for about 8 months. We are having a great relationship, he is caring, and thoughtful and I have fallen in love with him. He hasn't reciprocated the same feelings yet, and that has caused me some anxiety. Maybe it is this anxiety that made me do it and I am ashamed to admit that I went through his phone. I couldn't resist the feeling. This was how I found out my Ex was cheating- and I know it was just a terrible thing.

It revealed that my Bf has met with his ex gf twice recently, and he never told me about it. It looked like they met for a beer first that is after year and a half, and the next time she transported some chairs he bought off on craigslist. It sounds harmless, but I am not feeling Ok with this.

Maybe it is perfectly normal and being close friends with Ex's is common. I still occasionally talk to my ex-husband that cheated on me.

Am I overreacting? Does he need to tell me he met with his ex? Since he didn't what does that mean? Is this all because I am hurt before? I feel like I have become so fragile since the betrayal and have become even more vulnerable. Maybe I am not ready for a new beginning? Am I scarred for ever?

Thank you for reading and please share if you have any advice..

seeker16 posted 5/22/2020 12:06 PM

Despite him not reciprocating those same feelings yet, if you are in an exclusive relationship I feel he should be letting you know out of respect when he sees his ex. At least, thats how I feel.
It may be the case where he just doesn't fully understand the pain you went through and doesnt see it as a big deal himself.

As someone who was betrayed I know that feeling all too well of wanting to check their phones, etc and that is a terrible feeling to have in a new relationship. You should be able to trust your partner.

I think its worth having a talk with him about it. I don't think you are overreacting at all. Don't find youself settling in and not being able to trust. You will be miserable!

LadyG posted 5/22/2020 18:11 PM

I donít know if this is appropriate. But if you havenít discussed his new chairs, maybe casually ask about the chairs. See if he volunteers anything about where he got, how he picked them up.

If you havenít already discussed past relationships you have both had, now might be a good time to have a quiet chat.

If he is reluctant to speak about it with you, leave it be unless this is a deal breaker for you.

I have known others, who are great guys, but donít ask them about the past or the future.

Oh, and I did have a male friend who was friendly with all his exes, but some used him for advice when they were having difficulties in their current relationships. This may have been innocent but I thought it went too far.

I would hate the thought of my man discussing me with anybody else, especially an ex.

traicionada posted 5/22/2020 19:29 PM

How would you feel if he went behind your back searching for ďtruthĒ rather than ask you? Respect is a two way street

Okokok posted 5/22/2020 21:42 PM

Above all else, I'm reading here that your gut is telling you something.

I don't know the story here, of course. Does he have kids or shared assets with the ex? Do they run in the same social circle? Etc.? Any other "normal" reason to be in contact?

To me, it's weird that they would meet for a beer *and* he would not tell you. Also, I tend to trust guts around here.

My serious perspective: overreaction or not, *nothing* good will come of you not talking about this with him. If you choose to ignore, sweep under the rug, whatever you want to call it...you're in for probably months of your gut continuing to talk to you. You'll be super anxious and feel bad, etc. Get out in front of that.

I think you should just talk to him. Tell him just what you said here, that you're not feeling OK with this and you'd like to just process with him. Then maybe come back here to process that conversation.

[This message edited by Okokok at 9:42 PM, May 22nd (Friday)]

Catwoman posted 5/23/2020 06:49 AM

My SO let me know of each of the rare occasions where he would be communicating with his ex. I never asked him to do this, but he did. In turn, I would tell him if I had any out-of-the-ordinary (i.e. not having to do with the kids) communication with mine. Now it's not an issue for either of us, as my kids are adults and his are as well.

Have you talked about what you expect in a relationship? Have you discussed exclusivity and what that means to both of you? Maybe this is a place to start.

Some people can keep ex-partners in their lives with good boundaries and some cannot.

Cat

StillLivin posted 5/23/2020 13:01 PM

Have you both ever discussed boundaries yet? If you have, what he did was lie by omission. If not, you are over reacting. You need to pump your brakes on the "falling in love" part too. You haven't even been together a year. You dont have to rush into a new love. Take the time to just enjoy each other's company. Definitely start a conversation now, though, about boundaries. You expect him to let you know when he spends time with other women, especially ex girlfriends, but really all women. And you should be able to give him the same. Maybe sit back for a day or two and start deciding what else you need that could casually come up later. Things that would bother you if you felt he was intentionally keeping it from you.
And I'd definitely ask about the ex. I don't have a subtle bone in my body so I'd just crash right in and ask away. Of course, you'll also have to admit you snooped. But that's something else you can bring up, transparency. Do you expect at this early point in the relationship to have access to each other's phones, emails, and social media? If so, say so. If he doesn't agree, then it's time to cut ties before falling even harder. If he's good with it, then you have a keeper.

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