Okay, finally feeling like tackling this. I just want to thank those of you who responded to last night’s post – special thanks to pinkpiggy and BraveSirRobin. I am feeling much better today, and hopefully I won’t have another night like last for a while. I think I’m just going to start with some of the responses to my initial post. And I am not very smart, because I can't get that quote thing to work for the life of me. I hope it's still easy enough to follow with just the quotes.
BraveSirRobin
I won't lie, your story sucks, but it's not the worst one I've ever heard. Some of us just dodged a bullet that you didn't. I had unprotected sex with the OM in an era when AIDS was completely untreatable.
It really is hard to believe there is worse out there, so that’s something! And while sad, there is some comfort in knowing that I’m not the only one out there to have just made some of the most colossal f**k ups out there
I am interested, though, in why you fought coming here for months. Facing us wouldn't make R any less likely.
It’s really a combination of things. First, I’m not a natural “sharer”, and very much keep my feelings to myself - which I think may have ended up playing a big part in how I got myself in this mess. Discussing and thinking about emotional issues is actually physically exhausting for me. I know this is not healthy, and it is one of the “whys” I’m really committed to working on.
Also, I didn’t really get the best first impression of the site. My husband has been posting since the beginning, and he always welcomed me to read his post and the responses. I could not handle the responses. Of course I expected to hear terrible things about myself and what I had done - but what I didn’t expect were the responses like “there’s no way this is her first affair”, “don’t sleep with her, she’s just going to try and get pregnant and trap you”, “make sure you record all your conversations, her next step will be the false domestic violence reports she files”. These are not exact quotes, just sort of the gist of what I remember. I was, and honestly still am, afraid that he will start to believe that these things are all true. And also, when practically 100s of people tell him that there is no way I’m a candidate for reconciliation, I’m not marriage material, no choice here but divorce, etc…I sort of feel like it might make R less likely.
The other reason kind of piggybacks on what you said about telling him everything. I have been committed to being upfront and honest since he found out about the true nature of the affair. That being said, there are some details that I just didn’t remember when I initially told him, and then when they come out it just sets us back so far. For example, in my post when I was describing the general timeline of the affair. I mentioned that AP had written “be my valentine” on my cup. During the course of the affair, I have no idea how many cups with messages on them he gave me, but it was a lot. I only remembered this one when I was trying to come up with the timeline for this post. Well it really upset my husband that I had never told him this. I had never even thought about it before, I wasn’t trying to hold anything back. So I am constantly afraid that something I write could be construed as lying, or maybe I will just word something the wrong way or say something that will end up being the last straw for him.
And there are some aspects of your story that ping my radar a little. You always used condoms, and it just happened that an asymptomatic herpes carrier infected you both with genital herpes? It feels like there could be some minimizing there.
As unlikely as this seems, this appears to be what happened. As far as minimizing goes, it is something I’m really struggling with. BH called me out on it the other day – so often I don’t even realize I’m doing it.
Lucky77
None of us are beyond redemption… you are an adulterer now. You can never shake that. You will carry that with you always. But that doesn't mean you can't get your head out of your ass and save your M.
Thank you for that. Most of the time I do feel like I’m beyond redemption and there is no chance to save my marriage, and there are so many people on the forums telling my husband just that, so it’s nice to get a little bit of positivity sometimes.
Zugzwang
Of course you can have a future together. If you work for it and he chooses to give you that grace
I just can’t imagine that he will choose to give me that grace. As even he has said at times, why would he?
Needing validation from other men when you were already married and had a man...been there done that. It really sucks to be a black hole on the inside constantly eating like a goldfish. I would hope by now you have realized that no one can fill that up.
I have. I was doing exactly what I had led myself to believe would fill it up for four years…and it never did.
Did you continue to go to breakfast after the physical part of the affair started? I ask this because you seem to really be focused on this being a sexual thing...it clearly to me is not. It started out as an emotional affair and turned physical as the emotions and relationship progressed. For a year you went to breakfast looking for that emotional boost. Looking to be important to this man. Ask yourself if you are selling the affair short to spare your husband's feelings.
Okay, I’m a little confused here. I think I might be thinking an emotional affair is something it’s not, or maybe I didn’t really describe it well. During the time prior to when the physical affair started, there wasn’t really a relationship per se. Yes, we would talk while I was there, but just surface things – no real conversations of any depth. It was more like heavy flirting…and it wasn’t really him the person I craved, it was the attention that he gave me. I did keep going to the restaurant after the physical part of the affair started. I needed to keep going back to get my fix. Like I said, there was quite a long time between the first time we had sex and the second time, and I was so pathetic I was afraid that he might “forget” me if I didn’t keep showing up. The whole time we were together we never talked on the phone once, and never saw each other for anything but to hook up. We never shared anything much of substance. For example, I did know that he had two kids that lived out of state with their mother. I know they came and stayed with him in the summer, but I never knew their names or even how old they were.
Pinkpiggy
Give or take some details and your story could be my story as well as many other WW stories. A combination of lack of self-esteem, low self-worth, aging (I'm 41 now but was 38 at the time of my affair), and the need to feel desired and wanted. It's a very dangerous mix. I was a dying plant desperate to be watered. I went about it all the wrong way through. Instead of facing my marital and person issues, I looked to someone else to fill the void and make me feel better. The high was certainly very high. But the lows were also depressingly low.
PREACH. I really think this is 100% what led to my affair. It’s like you’re writing my story word for word. And yes, I do feel like I am truly remorseful.
BraveSirRobin
For me, the vision wasn't sitting alone in an apartment. It was handing off the kids at the door of an unfamiliar house, with XBH being coldly polite, and seeing his new girlfriend hovering tactfully in the background, ready to comfort him after I left. I saw every detail of this in my mind's eye, walking back down the cold, dark steps, knowing he was enfolding her in his arms and reassuring her that seeing me was no more than a painful obligation. And then getting in the car and driving away, knowing that it was all my fault.
I’m so sorry you had to feel that pain, I can’t imagine how much harder it must have been with kids involved. This is one situation where I am very grateful that we don’t have kids. I’m so glad this didn’t end up being your reality.
I remember it so clearly, though, the fear and the grief and the anger at my own stupidity.
YES. If we can’t reconcile, I honestly can’t imagine having to live the rest of my life without him and our essentially perfect life, knowing that I destroyed him, and it’s 100% solely my fault. TBH, with my depression I am a little afraid. There is a good bit of mental illness in my family, and my uncle committed suicide late last year. Last night is the first time since this happened when for a few minutes that started to seem like a viable option if we can’t reconcile.
Lostallalone
To tell your husband it was just sex is cruel. Sex is the most intimate act a husband and wife share and nobody else has access to. So you say its just sex makes him feel that sex with him is so terrible you would give it to the first person that came along. (At least thats how I would feel)
Yes, you are absolutely correct. And that’s exactly how my husband feels. I didn’t see it that way because I am supremely fu**ed up. There is something seriously wrong with me. It’s definitely being worked on in therapy. I have always had a much more shall we say ”cavalier” attitude towards sex. To me sex has always been…well, just sex. You say that sex is the most intimate act a husband and wife share…I imagine the majority of the population agrees with you. But for me, the most intimate act has always been opening myself up to someone emotionally. And I don’t even mean just enormously private things; I have always had problems with sharing virtually anything about myself. My BH actually sent me a link to an article recently that completely blew my mind. It was about Attachment Types, one of which was called Avoidant Attachment Type. It pretty much pegged me to a tee. It’s not pretty. I always just though I was introverted, but its way more than that. You can google it, but some of the characteristics of Avoidants are: poor self-esteem, uncomfortable with deep feelings, prefer casual sex, uncomfortable with intimate situations, very independent. I can’t believe I have been this way my entire life and only just became aware of it.
I argue you didn't love your husband and now you are in self preservation mode. You are trying to fix things you broke. Your affair went on for more then half your marriage. How many times did you rundown your or make fun of your husband. And if you didn't give him herpes it would be continuing today.
This is of course very difficult to read and makes me hate myself more than I ever thought possible, and I’ve never been that fond of myself. One thing – I have NEVER and would never, make fun of or disparage my husband in any way. Like I said, my AP and I never discussed much of a personal nature, but the only thing I ever told him about my husband was that he was an amazing man. Despite what I did, and as unbelievable as it may seem, even during the affair I would have gone to the ends of the earth for him. I still would. I would have and still would step in front of a bullet for him. I understand that may sound like just empty words after what I did to him. However, it is the absolute and incontrovertible truth.
And yes, this is exactly how he feels. I never saw him as a Plan B, he was always my only plan. Ludicrous, but that’s how I felt.
Are these subjects you have discussed with your counselor? Whats your plan to turn things around. I know the ball is in his court but you both could be in limbo a long time.
My husband actually really wants me to focus on the whys of the affair now, and doesn’t want me really thinking about the future until he decides if it is even a possibility.
Maybe write a letter expressing his good qualities. Figure out what to do today and everyday to make him feel special. I saw you are trying to stop trying to feel young and beautiful. Why don't you do those things for him.
I have been trying to do things like that. Things that let him know how special he is. As far as appearance goes, he would actually prefer I didn’t do those things. He never understood why I wanted to dye my hair and thinks my need to feel young and beautiful is unhealthy. He doesn’t even like me in dresses, he’s a 100% natural girl all the way.
I cannot believe how long this has turned out to be. I actually had some new things I wanted to post about what else was going and some things I’m feeling. But it’s 1:00 am and I’m pretty sure anyone still reading is probably way beyond wanting to read any more right now. Thanks again everybody. Until next time.
Edit 5/16 - fixed quote issues
[This message edited by svereen at 10:54 AM, May 16th (Saturday)]