It all hurts so much, honestly.
But I will say, the thoughts and imagery of the woman you love, you are vulnerable with, you trust, and you cherish, lying naked beneath another man, writhing in pleasure, clutching his back, pulling him close, feeling him inside her, wrapping her legs around him, moaning in ecstasy...
And AP, holding her tight, pushing his strength onto her, mixing with her, smelling her hair, moaning himself, releasing in his own ecstasy...
I'm not sure words can be put to what that feels like. And what that looks like in the mind's eye.
Doesn't matter if that's not how it went down for you or that's not how you remember it. Doesn't matter if the sex wasn't that great.
It was good enough that you went back twice in a row for it. That seemingly minor detail, along with a thousand other factors, haunts your husband. It haunts him.
Personally, I've never had a single issue with thoughts of my partner with a *previous*, legitimate partner. But in my experience with betrayal, the imagery of my partners with their secret, infidelity-based lovers--the mind movies--are an almost insurmountable agony.
This agony and all of the ins and outs surrounding it transcend any amount of explanation, rationalization, or reason. And if it has never happened to *you*, then you may never be able to really understand it. It is incredibly, hauntingly animal. Primordial.
Your best bet, I think, is to "understand" that you'll never understand it, and do whatever you can to support your WH as he processes. He may be processing for the rest of his life.
For me, the only solution was to no longer be partnered with my WW. Those thoughts and images no longer haunt me, though they did for a while.
I'm back on here after a more recent betrayal, though, and my mind is still processing those images after a couple months separated from my most recent partner. Hurts a lot. Nightmares, mind movies, etc. These are trauma responses.
There are certainly people who consider themselves successfully reconciled, and maybe there are BS's who can chime in here who got over these thoughts and images while remaining married.
[This message edited by Okokok at 10:13 AM, May 3rd (Sunday)]