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Two nights in a row - significance?

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crappywife posted 5/3/2020 08:57 AM

Asking about what it means to my bh that I had sex with an ap two nights in a row. I know what I remember of why I did that, but he's sick to death of hearing about my feelings. I need to hear from someone else, how it makes a betrayed spouse feel, to know not only that I had sex with someone else multiple times, but that two of the times were consecutive nights. There seems to be something fundamental about two nights in a row, that I'm not seeing. Insight please?

WilliamM posted 5/3/2020 09:11 AM

When was the last time you had sex with your spouse 2 nights in s row? Did it happen during the affair? If the answer to these two simple question is "it has been a while" and "not at all during my affair" then put yourself in his place. I can assume that sex between you two reduced during the affair. He already feel rejected and emasculated because of your affair. This may make him feel that you desires the POSAP more than you ever did him.

[This message edited by WilliamM at 9:36 AM, May 3rd (Sunday)]

Okokok posted 5/3/2020 10:07 AM

It all hurts so much, honestly.

But I will say, the thoughts and imagery of the woman you love, you are vulnerable with, you trust, and you cherish, lying naked beneath another man, writhing in pleasure, clutching his back, pulling him close, feeling him inside her, wrapping her legs around him, moaning in ecstasy...

And AP, holding her tight, pushing his strength onto her, mixing with her, smelling her hair, moaning himself, releasing in his own ecstasy...

I'm not sure words can be put to what that feels like. And what that looks like in the mind's eye.

Doesn't matter if that's not how it went down for you or that's not how you remember it. Doesn't matter if the sex wasn't that great.

It was good enough that you went back twice in a row for it. That seemingly minor detail, along with a thousand other factors, haunts your husband. It haunts him.

Personally, I've never had a single issue with thoughts of my partner with a *previous*, legitimate partner. But in my experience with betrayal, the imagery of my partners with their secret, infidelity-based lovers--the mind movies--are an almost insurmountable agony.

This agony and all of the ins and outs surrounding it transcend any amount of explanation, rationalization, or reason. And if it has never happened to *you*, then you may never be able to really understand it. It is incredibly, hauntingly animal. Primordial.

Your best bet, I think, is to "understand" that you'll never understand it, and do whatever you can to support your WH as he processes. He may be processing for the rest of his life.

For me, the only solution was to no longer be partnered with my WW. Those thoughts and images no longer haunt me, though they did for a while.

I'm back on here after a more recent betrayal, though, and my mind is still processing those images after a couple months separated from my most recent partner. Hurts a lot. Nightmares, mind movies, etc. These are trauma responses.

There are certainly people who consider themselves successfully reconciled, and maybe there are BS's who can chime in here who got over these thoughts and images while remaining married.

[This message edited by Okokok at 10:13 AM, May 3rd (Sunday)]

crappywife posted 5/3/2020 11:35 AM

Thank you for your response. It must be something more than that though.
My affair was some decades ago while we were dating, when I had moved across the country and started seeing someone else - so there was no frequency to sex with my bh at that time, for him to be comparing it with. In our marriage we have typically had sex about every other night - so when he mentioned this about a week ago, it struck me how much I would hate for him to believe that there was anyone else I wanted to have sex with more frequently than with him, and I started initiating sex every night. I think where I might have set off bad feelings is when last night I pointed out that I had been initiating sex every night.
This morning he told me that he still feels that my having sex with the AP two nights in a row is proof of something. I don't think it's just a comparison to our frequency - ?
It just seems like there is something a bh would know, that I'm not getting here. And he's sick of explaining things to me. Help?

crappywife posted 5/3/2020 11:41 AM

Reply was to William, sorry I didn't see OKokok also.
To Okokok, thank you also for your feedback. I know the mind movies of sex with an AP must be excruciating, and that is of course something we are also talking through.
I know the pain of that betrayal must be more than anything that can be described, and more than I'll ever really understand.
Maybe it is just the fact of knowing that I went back again the second day.

Okokok posted 5/3/2020 13:02 PM

I will say that if you've ever mentioned or even hinted at the fact that it was "meaningless" or "not good" or anything in that realm, the fact that you had sex with AP once and then went right back the next day to do it again could/would make anything you said like that reek of dishonesty.

And, as we all know, lying and deceit are THE major hurtful aspects of infidelity.

I'm not saying you're trying to be dishonest or even that you have been dishonest. But it's easy on my end to see how your husband could feel that way if there is any incongruity there.

From what you've shared--his expression of "proof of something"--I'm thinking he may have latched onto something you said in the past about your relationship or encounters with AP that doesn't match his understanding of sex on consecutive days with him.

If this is the case, input from other WS's may be more helpful. Because again, there may be something about honesty or incongruity in your story (which you may not even mean or be aware of!) that could be rearing its head here.

hardtomove posted 5/3/2020 13:25 PM

The significance is damn I want him again. Really you don't get it? You are not in R are you.?

fareast posted 5/3/2020 14:46 PM

Hi crappywife:

Well there seems like there is more here than meets the eye initially. So, for me it helps to lay it all out as I understand from what you have posted.

You have been M to your BH for twenty five years, and during that time you have been a faithful W and never strayed. But before you were M to your BH, while dating him, you traveled and were separated on three occasions and on each occasion you slept with another man. Obviously on one such occasion you slept with the OM on two consecutive nights. After each of the three occasions you returned home to your BH and confessed to him what you had done. But you had no remorse and basically rugswept the whole thing. Meanwhile, your BH stepped out and slept with two other women while you were dating. Still you two decided to get M, and years went by and nothing was discussed about your infidelity until it erupted in 2013 for some reason and you started MC. You are now feeling remorse and not trying to rugsweep according to your account.

You posted in both 2015 and 2016 about issues you were having trying to deal with your BHs expectations and anger arising from your infidelity years ago while dating. These problems in your M arising out of your infidelity have been popping up for seven years. Nothing you have done in your twenty five years of M satisfies your BHs grievance and anger.

So I think all of this goes much deeper than just you sleeping with an OM on two consecutive nights over 25 years ago while dating your BH. There is some deep seeded anger here. And didnt your BH cheat on you twice while you were dating? You profile seems to indicate he did. Has that been rugswept as well? Have I got this correct? Good luck.

[This message edited by fareast at 2:48 PM, May 3rd (Sunday)]

waitedwaytoolong posted 5/3/2020 14:58 PM

You can explain a one time thing away much easier than twice or multiple times. A one time thing could have alcohol involved, mental duress, etc to explain it. Going back for seconds takes all of those potential reasons out of play.

You had sex, and enjoyed it enough to do it again. Waking up the first day after the first time, instead of feeling horror at what you did, you thought nothing of it or how you could hurt your partner.

If my EX had succumbed once she would still be Mrs WWTL. I think I would have gotten over it.

He is right to be hurt exponentially.

HellFire posted 5/3/2020 15:00 PM

It tells me that you enjoyed it so much, you couldn't wait to have him again. That you were so hot,and bothered, by this other man, that you couldn't get enough.

DIFM posted 5/3/2020 15:10 PM

If the multi-year scenario that fareast provided is even close to the facts, then it seems more context is needed to have any value to the responses you will get to what seems like simple question.

When you ask your spouse what the significance is to him, what is his answer?

BraveSirRobin posted 5/3/2020 15:44 PM

Hi CW,

I just read through your other posts, and wow, I wish I had seen them when I first arrived here. Your story is the closest I've ever seen to my own -- cheating in college prior to marriage, admission without full details or proper remorse, madhatter, rugsweeeping, everything coming back up years later. Wow.

So I'm the WW and can't answer as a BS, but based on my experience with my husband, I'm going to say the gut punch of sequential nights is the building of intensity. He might be ruminating on the physical aspect (the sex was just that good), it might be emotional (she had time to rethink it and dove right back in anyway), it might be the assumption of what connection you and AP were feeling between encounters. But for my BH, all of it added up to the A being more of a bond than I originally led him to believe. On D-Day 2, he was looking for reassurance that he was catastrophizing. What he got was a confession that it was so much worse than he ever feared.

Carissima posted 5/3/2020 18:10 PM

I've read your other posts, everything's about your husband's expectations BUT he also cheated on you twice before you got married.
Is your husband doing any work to help figure out his own whys or does he see himself solely as the victim here, as in he would not have cheated if you had not done so first?
You both need to work on your whys to get through this. You can't have one partner do/try to do the work and one partner rugsweep or ignore the fact they cheated. That's just doomed to fail.

SI Staff posted 5/3/2020 18:12 PM

   Moving to Wayward Side

DoinBettr posted 5/4/2020 09:39 AM

I would be willing to bet it is an outside influence. He is aging and much like women is probably starting to realize he is not in his prime anymore.
I bet he had a bout of ED or couldn't lift/open something. Maybe he realized he is greying or losing his hair. This triggered him to re-evaluate your spacing of sex throughout the marriage. As sirrobin said above, the return the next day showed your desire for the AP. He probably felt his affairs were RAs which are mostly mechanical from what I know. Less about passion, heavily about your WS.
So he is mad that his whole life he isn't feeling as desired as the guy you had 2 nights back to back.
You may need to build up his confidence a bit more. I will say, when my WW does that, I feel less angry at her overall and my head clears a bit. Don't get me wrong, he will still be a little mad, but it will remove some of his insecurity that is occurring.

survrus posted 5/4/2020 10:46 AM

cw,

First none of what I write is meant as accusation of you, I only want to give perspective of how your BH might feel or think.

Because some men, me for one, are very keenly aware of small sexual details, which I believe many woman see as insignificant. Those details are a measure not just of a mans sexual prowess but also of his worth as a human being.

As a result their memory for sexual details is very long and when a new aspect of their WWs sexual life is revealed, it's not just a lie about something that happened, but a deception which has gone on for years or decades.

It's also something special which you gave to OM but might not have given to your BH. In your mind perhaps every other night is equivalent to two nights in a row.

There's also a deep sense that the OM stole something valuable from the BH, something the BH can never get back and something they can never reclaim except by forcing it.

Perhaps in a subtle way too your lack of understanding of how important these sexual details are to him underscores just how sexually unimportant your BH is to you.

Carissima posted 5/4/2020 12:29 PM

These affairs were years ago when you were a teenager away at college. I take it your husband's affairs happened at the same time, unless they were ONS then they were also pretty significant in the scale of things and should not be written of.
I'm sorry but I think IC may be of more help to your husband here. You've both been faithful partners for over 20 years in a good marriage, he needs to work on himself to find out what the issue is.
And survrus, I'm a BW I'd never make light of a BS pain but honestly the sex twice in a row I'd pretty much put it down to college student having the freedom and the ability to do so. The OP wouldn't be first or the last.

Zugzwang posted 5/5/2020 10:55 AM

I think where I might have set off bad feelings is when last night I pointed out that I had been initiating sex every night.

What did he do when you said that to him? This can go two ways. One...he thinks you are looking for "atta boys" for doing something right or you were pointing out that he is compareable to the AP.

Zugzwang posted 5/5/2020 10:56 AM

I'd pretty much put it down to college student having the freedom and the ability to do so.

agree.

sisoon posted 5/5/2020 15:56 PM

I, too, agree with Carissima.

I don't get the significance of 2 nights in a row, either.

That doesn't mean it's not significant - just that your H needs to explain why it's significant.

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