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Not in love

unable2go4ward posted 3/24/2020 19:35 PM

I just donít think Iím in love with my husband anymore and havenít been for some time. How did you reconnect with your BS? We are good friends, he is easy to live with and we have young children so I am hesitant to walk away and upend everyoneís lives. We donít have the trust there for each other and have poor communication. I dream of staying for x number of years (until the kids are older) and then living my life.

Darkness Falls posted 3/24/2020 20:27 PM

I am in exactly the same boat.

No reconnecting happening here. Iím out as soon as ducks are in a row and my kids arenít so little.

MIgander posted 3/25/2020 13:23 PM

find things to be thankful for?

I find it helps me to think of things I'm thankful for w/ husband to help me appreciate him better.

Could be a start?

DaddyDom posted 3/26/2020 16:25 PM

I'm just curious why you are still choosing to live a lie? Can you be honest with him and tell him how you feel and what your plans are? Maybe he feels the same? Or maybe he really wants to work on the relationship? You say there is no trust and poor communication... maybe that's because you are still aren't being open and honest with each other?

Infidelity is all about lies and removing choice from our partners in order to promote our own goals. That is not love. You cannot love your partner and lie to them at the same time. There is also the concept that pretending to love your spouse for the sake of the kids is, in its own way, lying to your kids as well. Our kids learn what we teach them.

If you want the chance to reconnect with your husband, then things need to change. Both of you need to change. Both of you have betrayed each other at this point. It makes it hard to trust, and hard to be vulnerable. And yet, that is exactly what you must brave in order to reconnect with your spouse.

This is why R is so hard. It is like a building a house. Build a solid foundation and everything else has a good chance of success. Build a shitty foundation and everything built on top of that will eventually collapse.

All I can tell you is that, both spouses have to be in a healthy place individually in order to come together as a couple. It sounds like you are both capable of living civilly with each other for the moment. Take this time to do some deep IC work. Don't worry about whether or not you love your spouse for now. Worry about loving yourself. Deal with the trauma. Find your own, personal peace. Do that, and I think you'll find coming together to be a much more palatable thing. And if not, at least you'll be okay on your own at that point.

SheWrote posted 3/26/2020 22:28 PM

Communication and honesty is the foundation of any relationship. And that is how you get connection back, the only way. I believe it is a crossroads for you and your husband. Decide to fight for your marriage and then do it. Anymarriage can be restored. Praying for you.

BraveSirRobin posted 3/27/2020 21:02 PM

If you come clean to your husband about your EA, things will blow up, and then there's a chance that you can rebuild on an honest foundation. I world never, never say that my BH and I are "glad" we had our As (we're madhatters), but telling the truth meant we had to either become vulnerable to each other or throw in the towel. Limbo had become intolerable. In the end, that honesty was really good for us and has reignited our spark.

If you never properly processed his betrayal, then it's not a surprise that there's a barrier between you. Now your EA just adds another layer of brick in the wall. Coming clean not only restores your integrity, it gives your marriage a chance at resuscitation. I can't see how it will improve through apathy and deceit.

forgettableDad posted 3/28/2020 09:43 AM

Integrity and a lot of hard work. And sometimes that's not enough.

But you have to come clean to him (and yourself) about it because staying or going in any positive way will not be possible without honesty.

Children are a strain on a relationship. You say you don't have trust and poor communications. In the end the only people that can overcome these barriers are you and him. And you both have to want it, badly and passionately. Talk it over. Take your time. But again, honesty is the name of the game.

unable2go4ward posted 4/1/2020 21:47 PM

DaddyDom

Sometimes it is just easier to live in limbo.

unable2go4ward posted 4/1/2020 21:47 PM

DaddyDom

Sometimes it is just easier to live in limbo.

leavingorbit posted 4/2/2020 10:10 AM

Easier for who? You? Have you asked yourself why youíre making the choice?

Love is a choice. Feeling ďin loveĒ is something that you cultivate. I understand not wanting to do that because of the pain you felt after your husband cheated. Hereís the thing, though: itís your choice. You are choosing. You chose to have an affair. You choose to not disclose. You choose to stay in limbo. You choose to stay in pain. Why?

Do you compare his actions and yours? Do you think that his are worse? Do you spend a lot of time pointing the finger at him?

Look, I did this. My husband did this. Our marriage was a dumpster fire and we both brought our own accelerants. Eventually, we had to stop blaming each other for who brought gas and who brought kerosene. We were both on FIRE. What was the fire? Pain. People do shit like this and cope however they can with pain. Itís not pretty and itís not nice and itís hurtful. Thatís the nature of pain - hurt people hurt people. IMO, the only way you put that fire out is with compassion. Getting to compassion requires saying, hey, Iím on fire here. You see youíre both ablaze and you stop one-upping each otherís burns. You learn how to treat your wounds, you build boundaries and sandbags. You can do this together or alone.

I think youíve been on fire for a long time. JMO, but why is it easier to stay in pain, exactly?

forgettableDad posted 4/2/2020 18:05 PM

Easier does not translate to being the right thing.
A lot of things are easy. Having an affair is easy. Lying is pretty easy. Limbo is super easy. But why live like that?

If you've decided to stay. And he's "easy" to live with. Why not take the extra step and actually fall in love? Trust can be built. Relationships can be repaired. You just need to want to do it.

unable2go4ward posted 4/2/2020 19:22 PM

1. I donít think I can fall back in love with him. He cheated very early on in the relationship and I think it was a deal breaker to me that he wouldnít tell me the truth- I had to search for all the answers on my own, which took months. I wish now I would have divorced him back then but my kids were very young and I was worried I couldnít do it financially. I donít have the respect for him and I will never let myself trust him.

I donít know if that is a product of my personality or just the fact that we didnít put the work in to make things better years ago.

unable2go4ward posted 4/2/2020 19:22 PM

1. I donít think I can fall back in love with him. He cheated very early on in the relationship and I think it was a deal breaker to me that he wouldnít tell me the truth- I had to search for all the answers on my own, which took months. I wish now I would have divorced him back then but my kids were very young and I was worried I couldnít do it financially. I donít have the respect for him and I will never let myself trust him.

I donít know if that is a product of my personality or just the fact that we didnít put the work in to make things better years ago.

forgettableDad posted 4/3/2020 07:00 AM

If you have no respect for him and will never allow yourself to want to trust him then divorce. For your kids. Children form behavioural patterns by studying and mimicking their parents. You and your husband are not a healthy model of a relationship.

Be honest. Find a way to separate constructively (as much as possible). Find help for your children and yourself - your husband should find someone to help him too.

That said; very very few decisions are irreversible. That you and him didn't put in the work years ago does not mean you two can't put it in now. Separation can be rejoined. Divorced people can get remarried. And life continues even after destruction. As hard as that sounds.

Letting go of our illusions of control is a healthy step towards making our way forwards.

Zugzwang posted 4/4/2020 09:27 AM

^^^^ Yep

I seldom ever see anyone bring up the fact that their dysfunctional relationships show their children how to disrespect themselves and form dysfunctional relationships too by staying with people they don't love or respect or by staying in abusive situations. There is always a way out.


At the very least if you choose to stay in limbo, at least be honorable and tell him the truth. How you really feel and what you wrote here. I mean, isn't that point of being transparent, authentic, and vulnerable? If you can't do that, then you really haven't changed or learned much in no longer being a wayward.

2timesunfaithful posted 4/5/2020 11:39 AM

If you are not in love with your WH, and are an EA "madhatter"; I would follow the advice of others, and be honest with your WH. If you have the financial means, living a life of honesty would be freeing for you. Your WH appears to not have learned the lesson of reconciliation, let him go, and free yourself.
Kids (young kids) will adapt, I've heard it plenty of times on the R and General forum.
For perspective share this on the divorced or separated threads for a situation similar to yours. Others have given great advice, if your ducks aren't in a row, start getting them there.
I wish you luck.

Amy44 posted 4/5/2020 11:54 AM

withdrawn

[This message edited by Amy44 at 11:58 AM, April 5th (Sunday)]

leavingorbit posted 4/7/2020 11:03 AM

Iím going to put some questions out there that you may chew on if youíre so inclined. Iíll preface them with: how youíre describing your situation sounds really similar to a lot of the emotions I felt after discovery. Itís taken me a long time to unpack all of the resentments I carried around. Itís sometimes still a work in progress. So, this could be projection on my part and YMMV. Itís been empowering for me to take responsibility for my own decisions and helped me develop an awesome relationship with the person I need most: myself. The following things are not attacks or blaming.

- your husband cheated. You chose to stay and rugsweep for the sake of your kids and your financial security. I get it. We all weigh choices and goals and make decisions based on our best understanding of our priorities at the time. Do you see that you made a choice?
- He wouldnít tell you the truth. You chose to accept that and not set a boundary and justified it by saying that it was for your kids. I understand. This shit is scary and hard. Are you able to explain why you thought it was more important to model this kind of relationship for your kids rather than hold your husband accountable? Over owning your true voice and feelings?
- You say you had to search for all the answers on your own. I completely understand why the compulsion was there. Pain can trip a lot of ďneed to controlĒ triggers. I did a lot of this, too. I chose to. I never needed the information really but I wanted it. What I really wanted was for my husband to not have cheated, or for some proof that it didnít happen or happened somehow irrevocably, break me in a way that meant I didnít have to deal with it. Take the choice away. But nothing could do that: he acted and I could only choose how I responded.
- You donít have respect for him. Thatís your choice too. Why wonít you let yourself trust him? Look, I felt similarly. Eventually, I came to realize that I had no respect for MYSELF. If my husband went back to making the same maladaptive choices, I finally understood it had nothing to do with me. I could trust others only if I trusted myself first and foremost. Ultimately, I feel like trust of others is illusory. We can only ever know ourselves. So why are you afraid of letting him know you and how you feel as much as possible? Are you afraid of knowing him, as much as possible? Are you afraid he wonít meet you? If he doesnít, thatís on him. No reflection on you.

Have you asked yourself why you give your husband so much power over your decisions in your head? Thatís what Iím reading from your responses. I feel like reading about learned helplessness could be beneficial for you. Youíre the only person who can live your life. You have the ability to choose differently now. If you donít want to be married anymore, itís okay to make that choice. But own your choices. If you donít want to work things out, just file. Whatís stopping you? What are you looking for from us? Someone to validate your feelings? Only you can do that.

JMO.

Iím sorry youíre here. I wish you healing and strength.

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