"You can survive this. Talk to others that have"

unable2go4ward posted 2/28/2020 18:56 PM

[This message edited by unable2go4ward at 7:16 AM, March 29th (Sunday)]

cptprkchp posted 2/28/2020 19:28 PM

I’m glad you are here but the course of action you are suggesting is not going to be well received. Not telling your BS due to the pain it will bring is definitely wayward thinking - I’m a wayward so I understand where you are coming from but the truth always comes out in the end and it’s usually much worse then if you just tell. The affair is the knife but the lies are the fatal wounds.

I also understand that you were a BS once so it’s worth examining why you would do the exact same thing that hurt you so badly. I’m guessing it’s the same relationship? If so, is it worth saving? Before we can really get to the real advice we need to know a little more info - right now this is all I can offer. Keep posting!

Morris45 posted 2/28/2020 20:32 PM

As I just told another lady by all means TELL!
I waited 38 years to tell and now I’m trying to hold on to my 45 year marriage.
The longer you wait the more it will hurt.
By nOt telling you are taking his choices. Every day you wait will be one more lost from his life because he will feel it is all under false pretenses.
If he waited to tell you, you should know this.
The sooner you tell the sooner the healing can begin.
Good luck and prayers.

DaddyDom posted 2/28/2020 20:48 PM

I know it sounds horrible. A lot of people take the stance that they are "protecting" their spouse from harm by not telling them. But in my opinion, all it is doing is making things worse.

At the very least, you are taking away your spouse's choice, which is the most precious thing we have. She doesn't know that she's married to a cheater, and she might not want to be. Don't kid yourself. Just because the affair is over doesn't mean "it's over". You lied to your wife (or omitted the truth, same thing here) about your cheating, and every day that you continue to not tell her, it means you are STILL LYING to her, which means you are still hurting her, which means that you are still showing the same abusive behaviors towards her that you did when cheating. Cheating is not about having sex with someone else, that's just the setting for the story. Cheating is about lying, betraying, gas-lighting and removing all honesty, dignity and respect from your marriage. Every day you don't tell, you continue to do all of those things.

The other problem with not telling is that it prevents you from ever becoming a better person. You cannot continue to lie and manipulate the person you supposedly love most in the world, and still be a "good person". You aren't protecting your wife from your affair, you are protecting yourself from the consequences of your actions. Again, let's not kid ourselves here... when we choose not to tell, it is because we are cowards and want only to not get caught, and not suffer the fallout. We can try to justify it under whatever pretty excuses we have (which is what we did while having the affair as well) but it is still about ourselves. If we honestly cared about how it would have affected our spouses, we never would have done it.

Iamtrash posted 2/29/2020 05:43 AM

That was my original plan when I knew my affair was over. Looking back, I keep thinking what an awful idea it was. I would have never had any reason to change and my BH didn’t deserve to be kept in the dark the rest of his life.

Don’t do it. Keeping that secret keeps you in the same mindset you were during the affair. Secrets and lies.

Zugzwang posted 2/29/2020 09:06 AM

Tell. Why would you want to keep a caged bird. Give them their power back. They have the right to make an informed decision about their life.

WS that don't tell saying it is to spare pain, (which is already inflicted on the intimacy and foundation of the marriage) are bullshit. Just are. They are looking at it from their POV. You are basing it off of your pain...which is there because of what? Never having a WS that did what needed to be done? The fact that you obviously never healed and had character issues to begin with that resulted in you cheating anyway? Can you really step outside your shoes and see that maybe they might want to know?

IMO most just want that upper hand or control. I mean really...just think about what the BS will think and feel about you when they realize that during the time they were struggling with their own issues and life while carrying their own load...you were offloading with someone else. Who really wants to be judged that way? Certainly not a wayward. Certainly not the type of person that cheats. The same one that cheats to get ego boosts. So, it is based off of fear of the BS knowing that while they were faithful and carrying the family load...they were off fucking around.

Pain...well, easy enough. Not every deals with pain the same way a WS does. Which in its own rights obviously sucks because we cheated. So, to judge someone elses ability to deal is just controlling and selfish. Really whose pain are you avoiding? Theirs or yours because you will be in pain to see them in pain and can't handle the shame. Like a parent that keeps bailing their kids out because ultimately it is their own discomfort they are trying to avoid.

Anyway you bullshit your reason to not tell...I can counter argue that you really are always doing it for yourself and not your BS.

You will always be a manipulating liar. Personally IMO never being a person of integrity or honor. Not good in my eyes. Still a cheater. A foundation will never be there. Intimacy is already non-existent. There isn't a marriage.

Buck posted 2/29/2020 09:43 AM

I'm a MH too. I was a BS before I was a WS. I had a RA that my WW/BW knew about, then I had an A that she didn't know about a few years later. I held onto the secret for about 8 years.

Having a secret like that sucks. It gnaws at you. I know you know what I'm saying. I was constantly worried AP would try to contact me or my wife. I worried about an old email account I had deleted and hoped some downloaded or cached info was never discovered on some forgotten device. I worried about if I had missed tossing any cards or letters she had given me. I wondered if someone we knew saw me with AP and would eventually spill the beans. I wondered how she would react when I told her. I thought keeping it from her would spare her some pain, we know what pain I'm talking about, and I wouldn't have to face my bullshit in the light of day. But, it doesn't really work like that, not in my experience anyway. Honestly, the longer you carry a lie or secret like that, the heavier it gets. The lies build and it just gets fucking old constantly lying. Also, there were times spent with my wife where the guilt was almost overwhelming. I was a fraud and I felt it in my gut.

I told her the truth roughly 4 years ago, it's kind of a blur now and I'm not really good with specific dates. I didn't do the trickle truth bullshit, I wrote a detailed timeline as best I could and answered any question she asked honestly. I will say it's been a fucking mess. The MH situation adds a bunch of complexity to R. I feel I live a more authentic life now. I'm able to make amends for my choices. I'm able to openly and honestly live my life. It's a relief in many ways.

The truth usually comes out. And it comes out in ways you don't usually see coming. The best course of action is to tell the truth the first time. Write an honest timeline and don't omit anything, don't minimize, and don't blameshift (which is really hard in a MH situation). It's difficult and painful but it really is the only way to go forward.

MrCleanSlate posted 2/29/2020 12:21 PM

My A lasted about year.

The first month or so was the 'getting to know' phase of texting, emails, phone calls, etc.

By about 6 months I was starting to see past the fog a bit and realizing things were not right.

9 months to 12 months was a slow withdrawal trying to end the A.

Finally ended it and was trying to build up the courage to talk to my BW.

The AP went full on nuclear on my BW 2 weeks after I broke it off. I think the AP thought she could win me back.

I SHOULD HAVE CONFESSED. It would have been better than letting the shit storm happen to my BW the way it did. Either way it would have hurt her.

Tell your BS. Tell the whole truth. Lay yourself out there and be honest. Best thing I ever did.

[This message edited by MrCleanSlate at 12:23 PM, February 29th (Saturday)]

RedeemedSinner posted 3/1/2020 08:13 AM

I can relate to this question. I wrestled with this very question for over 8 years. I finally felt I couldn’t look my loving and trusting BS in the face anymore. She had no idea and never suspected anything, but when she would say how great of a guy she had, it would rip me apart inside. Also being a man of God, I knew the foundation of our marriage had hidden cracks and was not as solid as it appeared.
Another big reason to tell was that I felt the urge to want to help people dealing with the same things and to not make the mistakes I have, but to do so behind my BS’s back didn’t seem right either. So 2 months ago I finally confessed and I am in the thick of it right now. It’s the most heartbreaking thing ever for us both and I still question if I did the right thing, but it’s done and I am waiting on the outcome. She keeps asking why did I wait so long and I don’t have that answer. Hoping our 16 year marriage will survive. Atleast know others have been right where you are and you are not alone.

Lucky77 posted 3/1/2020 08:33 AM

Yes

Change4thebetter posted 3/1/2020 08:42 AM

I have...and then BS found out. I wasn’t able to provide him with all the details he needed and all the time since the A’s were tainted and ruined. The more time that passes, the more hurt you are causing your BS. If you didn’t want to bring that world of her and torture you shouldn’t have had the A to begin with but as it’s too late for that you can only reduce that by telling sooner rather than later. Good luck- it’s won’t be easy but know that you have the advantage that you can tell your BS yourself, don’t wait until they discover it on their own.

[This message edited by Change4thebetter at 8:43 AM, March 1st, 2020 (Sunday)]

forgettableDad posted 3/1/2020 20:59 PM

I went no contact weeks ago and am trying to do things to make the relationship better.

In my opinion, the most important thing to base a relationship on is honesty. So, no, I don't think you're doing things to better your relationship.

That said. Of course you can lie to your spouse forever and they'll never find out. The question isn't really what other people have done. The question is, do you want to be a liar?

I've grown up in a house of where lies were served with breakfast. We were taught to lie and lie and lie. It's possible. It's not even that hard. But: Lying has a personal price. And if/when your partner does discover them, the price will be paid in full and then some.

Again, the final question is this. Do you want to be a liar or do you want to be an honest person? Only you can decie.

forgettableDad posted 3/1/2020 21:05 PM

On a personal note I'd like to add that for me the "nobility" of lying to my wife in order to protect her from further pain because I've "already" decided to be a better person is utter bullshit.

I was scared and I wanted to put my head up my ass so I wouldn't need to deal with my actions.

Yes. Telling your partner now about your affair might end your marriage. All the advice you're given here to tell the truth might well end you up in divorce. You should still do it.

Do you want to be a liar or an honest person?

Nolife posted 3/1/2020 23:55 PM

WS Only

[This message edited by SI Staff at 5:23 AM, March 2nd (Monday)]