I waited until i got home because i felt deep down inside i was going to receive some words of advice, insight, love, and support that would have me crying my eyes out. And for sure this was the result. The universe has shifted me in a direction that i have been afraid to take my entire life. I mean it when i say i am sick and tired of who i am. Sick and tired of fighting this fight i will never ever win. I have learned so much on SI and i am beyond grateful for support. This is going to be my safe place no matter how i feel.
True change is selfish in many ways and the fact it’s you who can’t stand you is the beginning of that.
Hikingout, i can't agree with you more with this one. I too realized that it was shame i had been dealing with my whole life and i hope this experience rids me of it for good. I truly appreciate your insight and admire you for your work and healing. I will definitely look into the book Eckhart Tolle. I don't care how long it takes to read it as it is important to me more than ever to do what's best for me.
For me I had to start with the conscious mind to overwrite the subconscious.
Foreverlabled, This is my experience right now. I am feel i am in the beginning stages as i have noticed this happening to me the past few months. Not so much with the negative thoughts that i have believed and accepted for so long, but when it comes to being more aware of how i react to people and things that are said. It's like "Okay i was totally looking for validation" or "This external shit i am doing is not going to fix me or my relationship" or "Look what i did!" My subconciuos mind combats these thoughts with the truth and accept it and why i feel i do these things. Of course there are deeper one's, but it's like my subconscious mind thumps my brain really hard and i am like geez this is me? I sit with it and analyze it and try to do something that will cause a healthy outcome. I appreciate your insight and support as always.
Congratulations on getting to that point of just being sick of yourself. Now is the time to want change for yourself. IMO the best way to actually make change.
Zugz, Thank you. This is finally the time. I am not reading from my usual script and i am letting my feelings do the talking. I will elaborate on family stuff later in this response. I will for sure check out the book A Grace Disguised by Jerry Sittser.
I believe in you! I believe that you are strong, that you have value, you have the power and most importantly, are more than worthy to be the person you truly are. The person that I see in you.
(Now, put that in your mind on constant repeat.)
Followtheriver, That set off a light in my heart. I will say these words until they literally are a part of every breath that i take. I have never believed in myself as i thought i was never good enough and could only live life by doing just enough. I will never forget our talk that night and you are my friend too. I believed and accepted those things said, because it came from my blood. I was surrounded by avoidance, lack of care, no talk about feelings, infidelity, abandonment, and rejection. My mother(i love her no matter what) shut me down in everything i believed in and desired to be so i took that as her way of wanting the best for me. It was all about getting an education, provide for your family, and get a good job. I did just that. But no matter what, i felt alone and unhappy and just lived life aimlessly.
I struggled with so many issues and traumas that there is too many to name. I wanted to be an actress and make people laugh like Lucille Ball or Rudy from the Cosby Show. There was no laughter in my home. I was so desperate for a relationship with my parents, i would visit the elderly people in my neighborhood and sit with them and talk to them and enjoyed hearing their stories of all kinds. I felt seen and heard, but the feelings of loneliness stayed.
My sexuality was shut off too. 18 years i kept it all in. I kept that 5 year old who knew she was different trapped until 23 and by that time i was so broken and scarred, it was hell from there. I was angry as hell but i now know that was from all the hurt and i went on a rampage taking it out on everybody. Do i now believe and accept how they feel? NO. So this now starts the journey to get to know me. To love and care about me. That little me and adult me so the adult me can be what the little me always desired. So to answer your question Followtheriver, you are right! Keeping that rhinestone perserver tight in my hands along the way, thank you.
Not a cry for help? I said this was this was not a cry for help, because in a way it triggered me when i tried to harm myself and i remember one of my siblings saying it was a cry for help after it happened and i felt so low and hurt by it. I understand this is common in these situations, but i really just wanted someone to talk to and i wanted the love and care from my family so badly as i have my entire life. I know they cannot help me as they too are flawed and on repeat in the cycles of FOO issues. Working on accepting and making peace with this at some point.
I am tired of being broken to the point where i annoy myself when i keep saying the same things over and over. It's like the nagging back pain that won't stop until i rehabilitate it back to good health. I see people now. People like me especially. I look at them and i think damn, that is me seeking validation and worth. Thinking sex is love. I remember all the times i was angry at myself and would act out by using my body to reflect that anger especially during my A. Now, so many things keep surfacing and i run right into them now. This morning was like an alien of emotions slithering its way out of me. I would normally push it back in, but i braced myself and let it come out. It was both painful and relieving at the same time. My cries felt and sounded different, my breathing had me gasping for air as though i was under water. I was ready for all of it.
The post recently asking about “rock bottom”- This describes to me what is far more important than rock bottom, the point that others have drawn, that you now see the value (outside of R) in changing. That value is in living a life of integrity, which at its root means wholeness. You’re standing on the cusp of living consistently, with far less ability to deviate from what you know to be right.
I read that post, but i was not where i am mentally now too truly understand it. I don't exactly know what mine feels like, but at times i felt like i was dying inside and that i was so withdrawn and now that i think about it i believe the obsession of R and saving the relationship went away. I am not focusing on that anymore thank goodness. Yes, yes, living with integrity. There is no reason as this point not to do it. And yes on the mindfulness. Not only for myself most importantly, but too others too. I understand fully this is going to be the hardest thing that i will ever go through and it will take as long as needs too. I will not give up this fight.
Sending all of you hugs and love and thank you again for all of your amazing advice and support.