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Going Against Myself..

ChanceAtLife35 posted 2/21/2020 08:37 AM

I haven't been on here for awhile and this morning it really hit me why..I keep going against myself. I was in the restroom this morning washing my face and while I was drying my face off, out of no where what felt like a punch in the back I started crying. It was almost as though my body was telling me it can't go on any longer with what I was doing to myself. I feel so chaotic inside and the things that I would normally do to get by through the day, is no longer doing me any good. See, that's been my issue. Since I can remember I have been doing "Just enough to get by." "Just enough to not get caught or to allow people to see the real me." The truth is, I am such a broken person who has done some really bad things and made some poor choices. I feel I am the centerpiece that is still causing things to stay stuck. I am stuck. I told my therapist the other day, I don't want to only discuss and focus on who I am to myself and the things that I am drowning myself in. How I am drowning my own self.

I am still stuck in the illusion/reality of life, but lately something snaps me right back in. I am catching myself more on my behaviors that drove me to my lying and A's and the formation of my brokenness. I don't want to say this is a cry for help, but my life feels so unmanageable to where I can't function at all. I am behind in school, and I am lacking the motivation to just try to do things that are truly important for myself which is my work. I am not organized or present when it comes to anything. I do have a tendency to be more aware of what I am doing and I tell myself that I am doing the same things and look where it got me. I am tired of this, tired of who I am. It's like I am fighting myself in the ring of misery, and I the ten count keeps repeating itself over and over. This place here is actually the safest place for me.

My body refuses to go any further, not like this. I have everything I need to get through this, to be the best version of me. I can't control my feelings and emotions anymore and I am grateful that I don't want to call AP anymore or try to harm myself or my family. I just want to live and live right, believe in me. I have been living life believing and accepting what others especially my family have felt about me. Those words stay on repeat in the back of my head constantly. I have to figure out why do I believe it? Why do I feel that is my truth?

hikingout posted 2/21/2020 09:35 AM

I am sorry you are struggling.

I think I was in a similar spot about where you are now on my own timeline. It was a turning point in which this was no longer just about saving the relationship and helping my husband...this was about me needing to be different. To feel different. It was kind of my reckoning with the shame I struggled with my whole life. Stay with it. True change is selfish in many ways and the fact itís you who canít stand you is the beginning of that. I canít tell you what it is for you but I recognize the things you are saying is about how you feel about you and that is powerful motivation, the most powerful actually.

Thatís not to say we donít want to be better for our spouses but we have to want to change for ourselves. You did say it right you do have the ability to do so. You do have everything you need, but maybe some perspective and healing. Keep holding those questions they can be transforming.

foreverlabeled posted 2/21/2020 10:11 AM

†I have been living life believing and accepting what others especially my family have felt about me. Those words stay on repeat in the back of my head constantly. I have to figure out why do I believe it? Why do I feel that is my truth?†
I know this all too well. I was 27 when dday came around and up to that point my truth was not authentic. That to me is a long ass time for a grown ass woman to be living life without stopping to think about what MY truth was. I didn't know I could to be honest. It feels so dumb to me now that I actually had the means to rewrite that shit. The subconscious is so powerful and began soaking in info before you even had a chance to consider what is truth and what isn't. And its all too easy to let it drive the bus. This is why, you are letting it rein with old beliefs that don't serve you.

For me I had to start with the conscious mind to overwrite the subconscious. I started small by taking stock of what I was telling myself, old beliefs, other's truths. Basically every thought that came to me I practiced awareness and I began to challenge them. Sometimes it was true and funny thing about that they were actually the few truths I formed of myself good and bad. But, a large portion of them didn't belong to me and were the furthest thing from any truth mine or otherwise. And I repeated my truth constantly until they became my first thought rather than the old stuff.

At first I found this to be somewhat difficult only because I really had to put a lot of time and effort into it. But without starting here, I'm almost certain anything I tried to do if done before would not have worked out well or I feel it would have prolonged the process or even no real change would occur.

Anyway, once I got it down and was working with a completely different operation lots of things began to fall into place. I had my own beliefs now, my own values, these things felt right, they felt authentic. It was easier to follow my own thoughts than those of others. My self worth improved, I was optimistic, I wanted to keep pushing forward. It didn't feel so much like work anymore. I wanted to take on MY life.

You got this

hikingout posted 2/21/2020 10:38 AM

What foreverlabeled said is so true. A book that describes this and how to practice it that really helped me was ďthe power of nowĒ by Eckhart Tolle. It taught me about how our thoughts lie and how to be a conscious observer of them. Itís not an easy read -it took me a number of months and I am an avid reader. But itís because you have to stop and put it down and practice. It was a turning point for me.

Zugzwang posted 2/21/2020 15:29 PM

Congratulations on getting to that point of just being sick of yourself. Now is the time to want change for yourself. IMO the best way to actually make change.

So, what has your family been telling you? Lets start there. The root and foundation of it all and how you feel.

BTW, the best book I have ever read...even though it is Christian based...A Grace Disguised by Jerry Sittser. It took some time for me to finally read it. It was my wife's bible I swear. Once I did, it really helped in finding self love, acceptance, grace, and mercy...the best things IMO to tackle shame born of guilty actions.

[This message edited by Zugzwang at 3:29 PM, February 21st (Friday)]

Followtheriver posted 2/21/2020 15:50 PM

ChanceAtLife35,

I just want to live and live right, believe in me. I have been living life believing and accepting what others especially my family have felt about me. Those words stay on repeat in the back of my head constantly.

I believe in you! I believe that you are strong, that you have value, you have the power and most importantly, are more than worthy to be the person you truly are. The person that I see in you.
(Now, put that in your mind on constant repeat.)

So if you have been able to believe and accept the bad and negative that others have felt about you, what is stopping you from believing and accepting what I feel about you? What makes them right and me wrong in your mind?

I mean that I know how completely broken you are. I know the poor choices that you have made and the worst things that you have done, but you know what? I still see the good inside of you and I am proud to call you my friend. What can I do to help you see what I see?

How I am drowning my own self.

Because it is hard as hell to keep holding your breath through all your own bullshit. It is dragging you down and keeping you from breaking the surface to be able to take some deep cleansing breathes. I know that it may seem almost impossible to find the strength to push through it, but it is in you, I know it is.

I don't want to say this is a cry for help, but my life feels so unmanageable to where I can't function at all.

Why don't you want to say that this is a cry for help, especially to people who want to help you? There is nothing wrong or any weakness in reaching out to the people who only want the best for you when you need them. As a friend, I am throwing you a rhinestone covered, sparkly life preserver because I hope just the thought, helps you want to swim through the bullshit and smile.


I am tired of this, tired of who I am.

I think that you are tired, tired of being broken, tired of allowing yourself to stay broken and just tired of being tired. While others may have broken you, they do not have the power to keep you that way. You and only you have the power to either to keep drowning in the bullshit or fight your way to the surface to take those deep breaths to heal yourself completely.

Your truth is what you want it to be, not what someone else tells you it is or believes about you. Your true self is the person that you want to be, not who you are told you are or someone thinks you are. They can believe and think what they want, but it doesn't make it so. There is a good, whole, amazing person inside of you and if that is the person that you know to be your true self, then now is the time to introduce her to the world.

(((((ChanceAtLife35)))))

JBWD posted 2/21/2020 16:19 PM

The post recently asking about ďrock bottomĒ- This describes to me what is far more important than rock bottom, the point that others have drawn, that you now see the value (outside of R) in changing. That value is in living a life of integrity, which at its root means wholeness. Youíre standing on the cusp of living consistently, with far less ability to deviate from what you know to be right.

Like the others mentioned you will need to develop a pretty consistent ability to recognize those negative thoughts and recognize that theyíre deceptive. Mindfulness works great, and also CBT. Iím the literary agent for David Burnsís ďFeeling Good.Ē Has a lot of practical exercises to help you walk back from letting emotions overwhelm rational thought. And goes further in helping you ID potential sources of those emotions.

Weíve all been here to some degree. When youíre sick and tired of being sick and tired. Itís hard to recognize when feeling buried but this is a very good place to be. Stick with this trajectory. Weíre rooting for you!

ChanceAtLife35 posted 2/21/2020 22:03 PM

I waited until i got home because i felt deep down inside i was going to receive some words of advice, insight, love, and support that would have me crying my eyes out. And for sure this was the result. The universe has shifted me in a direction that i have been afraid to take my entire life. I mean it when i say i am sick and tired of who i am. Sick and tired of fighting this fight i will never ever win. I have learned so much on SI and i am beyond grateful for support. This is going to be my safe place no matter how i feel.

True change is selfish in many ways and the fact itís you who canít stand you is the beginning of that.

Hikingout, i can't agree with you more with this one. I too realized that it was shame i had been dealing with my whole life and i hope this experience rids me of it for good. I truly appreciate your insight and admire you for your work and healing. I will definitely look into the book Eckhart Tolle. I don't care how long it takes to read it as it is important to me more than ever to do what's best for me.

For me I had to start with the conscious mind to overwrite the subconscious.

Foreverlabled, This is my experience right now. I am feel i am in the beginning stages as i have noticed this happening to me the past few months. Not so much with the negative thoughts that i have believed and accepted for so long, but when it comes to being more aware of how i react to people and things that are said. It's like "Okay i was totally looking for validation" or "This external shit i am doing is not going to fix me or my relationship" or "Look what i did!" My subconciuos mind combats these thoughts with the truth and accept it and why i feel i do these things. Of course there are deeper one's, but it's like my subconscious mind thumps my brain really hard and i am like geez this is me? I sit with it and analyze it and try to do something that will cause a healthy outcome. I appreciate your insight and support as always.

Congratulations on getting to that point of just being sick of yourself. Now is the time to want change for yourself. IMO the best way to actually make change.

Zugz, Thank you. This is finally the time. I am not reading from my usual script and i am letting my feelings do the talking. I will elaborate on family stuff later in this response. I will for sure check out the book A Grace Disguised by Jerry Sittser.

I believe in you! I believe that you are strong, that you have value, you have the power and most importantly, are more than worthy to be the person you truly are. The person that I see in you.
(Now, put that in your mind on constant repeat.)

Followtheriver, That set off a light in my heart. I will say these words until they literally are a part of every breath that i take. I have never believed in myself as i thought i was never good enough and could only live life by doing just enough. I will never forget our talk that night and you are my friend too. I believed and accepted those things said, because it came from my blood. I was surrounded by avoidance, lack of care, no talk about feelings, infidelity, abandonment, and rejection. My mother(i love her no matter what) shut me down in everything i believed in and desired to be so i took that as her way of wanting the best for me. It was all about getting an education, provide for your family, and get a good job. I did just that. But no matter what, i felt alone and unhappy and just lived life aimlessly.

I struggled with so many issues and traumas that there is too many to name. I wanted to be an actress and make people laugh like Lucille Ball or Rudy from the Cosby Show. There was no laughter in my home. I was so desperate for a relationship with my parents, i would visit the elderly people in my neighborhood and sit with them and talk to them and enjoyed hearing their stories of all kinds. I felt seen and heard, but the feelings of loneliness stayed.

My sexuality was shut off too. 18 years i kept it all in. I kept that 5 year old who knew she was different trapped until 23 and by that time i was so broken and scarred, it was hell from there. I was angry as hell but i now know that was from all the hurt and i went on a rampage taking it out on everybody. Do i now believe and accept how they feel? NO. So this now starts the journey to get to know me. To love and care about me. That little me and adult me so the adult me can be what the little me always desired. So to answer your question Followtheriver, you are right! Keeping that rhinestone perserver tight in my hands along the way, thank you.

Not a cry for help? I said this was this was not a cry for help, because in a way it triggered me when i tried to harm myself and i remember one of my siblings saying it was a cry for help after it happened and i felt so low and hurt by it. I understand this is common in these situations, but i really just wanted someone to talk to and i wanted the love and care from my family so badly as i have my entire life. I know they cannot help me as they too are flawed and on repeat in the cycles of FOO issues. Working on accepting and making peace with this at some point.

I am tired of being broken to the point where i annoy myself when i keep saying the same things over and over. It's like the nagging back pain that won't stop until i rehabilitate it back to good health. I see people now. People like me especially. I look at them and i think damn, that is me seeking validation and worth. Thinking sex is love. I remember all the times i was angry at myself and would act out by using my body to reflect that anger especially during my A. Now, so many things keep surfacing and i run right into them now. This morning was like an alien of emotions slithering its way out of me. I would normally push it back in, but i braced myself and let it come out. It was both painful and relieving at the same time. My cries felt and sounded different, my breathing had me gasping for air as though i was under water. I was ready for all of it.

The post recently asking about ďrock bottomĒ- This describes to me what is far more important than rock bottom, the point that others have drawn, that you now see the value (outside of R) in changing. That value is in living a life of integrity, which at its root means wholeness. Youíre standing on the cusp of living consistently, with far less ability to deviate from what you know to be right.

I read that post, but i was not where i am mentally now too truly understand it. I don't exactly know what mine feels like, but at times i felt like i was dying inside and that i was so withdrawn and now that i think about it i believe the obsession of R and saving the relationship went away. I am not focusing on that anymore thank goodness. Yes, yes, living with integrity. There is no reason as this point not to do it. And yes on the mindfulness. Not only for myself most importantly, but too others too. I understand fully this is going to be the hardest thing that i will ever go through and it will take as long as needs too. I will not give up this fight.

Sending all of you hugs and love and thank you again for all of your amazing advice and support.

ChanceAtLife35 posted 2/22/2020 01:13 AM

@Zugz, i just realized the questions you asked me. I will need some time to process them and will respond.

Zugzwang posted 2/22/2020 08:44 AM

I kept that 5 year old who knew she was different trapped

You are not different. You just aren't the same as your parents. There is nothing wrong with that. I hope you find what you need. I didn't struggle in that department with my parents. I was the golden child. That brought on its own pile of issues. My wife struggled a lot with that. Though I think she eventually used it to become a nurturer for other children. Could you find some volunteer time to help other kids that struggle with your specific issues of acceptance? I think she just made a conscience decision to write her parents off and focus on the people that did care. The same way she did with me at some point in our R. It was my loss. I felt it big time when she reached that Plain of Lethal Flatness. You need to take that stance and feel it to your core. Their loss. She had an amazing IC that really helped her to get a grasp on the way her mother treated her. Her mother had a very codependent relationship for a long time with my wife's half brother. My wife needs to understand things before she accepts them. Point is the right IC might help you to accept and move on from FOO issues.

Zugzwang posted 2/22/2020 08:50 AM

I also want to point out that to me...what your family did is not shaming. Shame to me is an internal thing you feel from guilty actions. You aren't guilty of what your family is saying...(if that is an issue). What they did was just plain abuse and cruelty. I label that resulting feeling as pain. I wouldn't identify it as shame. I don't know if that makes sense or not. I just find it helps to put things in different perspectives. Which is difficult to do if you don't have someone to help you see it that way. My wife is very good at doing that and I was lucky to have her to help me through this after I got my head out of my ass. Keep posting here and you can get the same help.

WalkinOnEggshelz posted 2/22/2020 14:43 PM

Oh Chance, I know how much you struggle with shame. It seems as though you have never been able to really allow yourself to be healthy and happy, always waiting for the other show to drop and building walls around yourself like Fort Knox so that no one can hurt you. The problem is that you are left alone with yourself and you are the one that can hurt you the most.

What do you think would happen if you tried to break free of those walls and allowed yourself to be vulnerable? What is it you are afraid of? You donít have to answer that here, but start digging to figure out how exactly those walls are serving you.

Brene Brown says that the happiest people are ones that allow themselves to be vulnerable.

Who is the real ChanceAtLife35? In addition, who do you want to be? What is standing in your way and why? Is it something you can actively work towards or is it unrealistic leading you to eventual failure?

Here is what I know. You are a bit shy and reserved, guarded. You are intelligent. You care deeply about your family despite the pain you know you have caused them. When you let your guard down, you have a smile that can light up a room. You have become protective of maise and although I havenít seen it personally, I can tell there is a lot of anger and hurt under your protective exterior. I think with that pain, however is a lot of compassion and love too.

I believe you are at a pivotal point in your journey. Keep pushing forward and you will begin to make some breakthroughs. Let go of some of that chaos. Sometimes when the internal dialogue is said out loud it helps take away some of itís power.

As a friend, I am throwing you a rhinestone covered, sparkly life preserver because I hope just the thought, helps you want to swim through the bullshit and smile.

First of all, of course it is sparkly. Second, take it, grab on tight. Itís always ok to ask for help. This is just too damn hard to go at it alone.

Hang in there girl. You can do this.

ChanceAtLife35 posted 2/22/2020 23:21 PM

The outpouring of support on here has been overwhelming for me in so many ways i can't imagine. I literally cried on every response. It's mind boggling how much you took away from what i said to pinpoint exactly where i am coming from and who i am to myself. I am not the best with words so i apologize in advance if things come off scrambled. I see i can't hide anymore. My layers from this facade of a person I've created peeled off and revealed who i really am to myself. I can't express to you how important it is for me to go so far deep with this to heal everything broken within me.

I find myself constantly saying I'm tired. Tired of not expressing my emotions, of not doing what I love. It took all day of sitting through all this to realize the tiredness that i am feeling comes from "Hustling for my worth."

Since childhood, i have been doing everything to seek the approval from my parents. It started with my Mom and her need for everything to be perfect. That sparked so much fear and anxiety within me because i was so afraid to mess up and potentially face the consequences of that. When i didn't do something right, she would yell at me or spank me and walk away with a face of disappointment. I felt i was on eggshells no matter what was asked of me. With my father, he favored my sister 4 years older than me and that caused me to believe that i was the bad daughter. My mother made me believe i couldn't do anything right. It eventually led me to believe that i was not good enough and they didn't care about me. I still feel this way. I still catch myself seeking their approval and acceptance of me. Am i bad daughter? NO. Am i good enough? Yes. Am i allowed to make mistakes? Yes. This way of thinking what i accepted of how they felt about me caused so much destruction for myself in every aspect. I constantly leaned on everyone for everything. I was always so afraid to anything unconventional or out of my comfort zone. I realized i did this in my relationship with my BS doing everything to hustle my worth with her too. I was exhausting myself until i felt i was losing my mind. I am losing my mind now. I can't stand to look at myself in the mirror now. I am tired of dwelling on the past. However, it's important that i relive the memories of when my family treated me wrong and tell the little me that how i was treated was not my fault. It was not my responsibility to do most of the things that was asked of me. The shitty things i do now were passed on to me and it's horrible.

I am not different, just broken and can be changed for the better. I will create my own truth and set standards for myself and voice what i feel and believe in. Stop hurting my BS and kids in ways that are not okay. They have embraced me and loved me in every way. It's hard for me to trust people too and it drives me crazy. I feel like someone is always out to get me. I ran to people who couldn't care less about me desperate for them to love and care about me too. And when i didn't get anything from them, i felt even lower.

I will take a different approach in IC because right now i am whining about what my family didn't give me. I don't want years to go by and i am still this same person. I don't know what it's like to be fully present and safe around others. To be genuinely honest and authentic around others. To be successful, loving, caring, a real friend, better parent. To be happy and carefree. So much more. I have a lot to unpack, but breaking my walls down will be worth it. This is too much pain to hold onto anymore. My fear is too much to bear. My mind feels like it's fading. I appreciate the other sparkly rhinestone and all of the abundance of support.

What else should i do to help myself in this process? i have read the feel good book too.


[This message edited by ChanceAtLife35 at 11:33 PM, February 22nd (Saturday)]

ThisIsSoLonely posted 2/23/2020 10:14 AM

This is cause for celebration and Zugzwang said it correctly:

Congratulations on getting to that point of just being sick of yourself. Now is the time to want change for yourself. IMO the best way to actually make change.

I agree that it is the BEST way to actually make change - when you are doing it for yourself. I am not a WS, but I HAVE been very wayward in other aspects of my life for a long long time. I too reached that point - that "who the fuck are you kidding with this bullshit" point in my life where I decided that I DID NOT WANT TO BE THIS PERSON ANYMORE for me and only me. And that's when change happens that is the most real.

I am always concerned with WS on here (and elsewhere) who say they want to change for their BS. I didn't want my WH to say that - I wanted him to say to himself that he was sick of himself and he wanted to change for him, otherwise IMO the change is just more smoke and mirrors. It's totally okay to want to make the result of those changes help someone else, and they can be part of the motivation, but they can't be the foundation.

You will get more great advice - I just wanted to step in and say congrats on getting to where you are not - it feels miserable in some ways but I think you will find that once you lose yourself as your own worst enemy, things do start to become easier.

LastChanceDaddy posted 2/23/2020 16:58 PM

Chance, let me start by saying... I have a long way to go on my journey of dealing with shame and FOO issues. It is totally exhausting being two different people. The one you want people to think you are and the one you are trying to hide. Then, FINALLY, you get to a point in your life where it is more painful to remain the same and continue in in the same manner and to face your demons in your past and fight to make a change. And it hurts like hell. I compare it to walking barefoot on hot asphalt in early spring. Canít do it. Too painful. BUT, the more you do it, the tougher your skin gets and the less painful it becomes. Then, you get to a place where you can enjoy the freedom of being barefoot not having to worry about the pain. That is what I am striving for. Turning my insides out and being radically vulnerable and honest. Two words that have never been in my vocabulary. It sounds to me like that is where you are. Keep pressing forward and remember this is NOT a linear process.

Zugzwang posted 2/23/2020 18:26 PM

I never really thought of any of us as broken either. Just scarred and hurt.

For myself, finding pride in things made a huge difference. Hobbies, bucket list...I started grilling and cooking more. I found out I enjoyed it, and it also helped take a burden and responsibility off my wife. It made me more invested in the family. I felt good providing in another way that wasn't just financial. Tons of things you can do for hobbies and bucket lists. Take pride in choosing the harder longer road. Take pride for choosing to be vulnerable. I recently discovered there are mindful apps to use to keep me in the moment, but not to the point that it is instant gratification which is how I viewed life before. I had the problem of seeing the future. I plan more for that too.

ChanceAtLife35 posted 2/24/2020 14:06 PM

ThisIsSoLonely,

Thank you so much for your thoughts and kind words. This is the most hardest an painful experience, but there is no other way to resolve this but through change. I have carried so much pain that it literally burns in my chest every day, and I can't take it anymore. I too was the Wayward that wanted to change for my BS, and focused on R, but then I realized(through lots of stone throws) how selfish and cruel of me it was to focus on that when I just blew up our lives. Focusing on the outcome only hinders our individual healing and I want my family to be better. I stumble every day on things, but instead of running off and hiding, I communicate on what I did to try to understand what is happening.

LastChanceDaddy,

You are absolutely correct and how exhausting being two different people has become. For years, I have been hustling for my worth wanting everyone to stamp my forehead with "APPROVE" to give me my worth or whatever I needed to feel good enough. This does hurt like hell and I am ready to walk barefoot. I am with you on vulnerability and honesty. Two things I avoided like the plague, because if people knew who the real me was, they would not love me.

What I believed in my whole life based on how others treated me or what I felt they thought of me were:

I am not smart
I can't do this
I can't do anything right
I'm not good enough
Nothing I do is every good enough
I am a bad daughter
I am alone
I am not normal
My voice doesn't matter
I am the problem
If I am the real me, no one will love me

To avoid these things I would lie, minimize, make excuses, go frantic, over talk, avoid, act out, be impulsive, among other things to not face the above what I thought was true about me.

It's important that I go through this process of reinforcing within myself that things are not true and recognize and live by what I believe in.

Zugz,

I remember feeling happy and free when I was doing things I love like bike riding, playing sports, sitting outside relaxing, or being with loved ones. My life is so routine to where I feel like a robot. I am actually pretty antsy to take on hobbies, but I still struggle with doing for others. I love to cook too, so grilling sounds like a great idea too. What are these mindful apps you speak of?

One thing I struggle with now is the mindfulness with my BS. What happens is that when I know I shouldn't be saying or doing certain things, I do them anyway because of my engrained habit of pleasing others. Of course it back fires on me causing issues. How long did it take to change this behavior?

Zugzwang posted 2/27/2020 17:49 PM

My life is so routine to where I feel like a robot.

Try rock climbing. We started that together and it brought us closer. Canoeing too.

Apps on the phone. There are dozens. Just type in mindfulness for the search engine.

Why do you want to please people?

ChanceAtLife35 posted 2/27/2020 21:05 PM

Thanks for the suggestions Zugz. I am going to start exercising too. It really helps my mood. Why do i people please? I feel i do it because i don't value or see myself as good enough. I feel unworthy in many ways to where i don't think i can be whole unless i take from others. I base my self worth on how much i do for others, and when it goes unnoticed at times, i become really low and angry. It's really bad at work too. I treat every email, person, and phone call like it's an emergency. And at home, i am the domesticated one, so my worth is depended on that. I like control too because i like things done a certain way. It's really draining and damaging and i see how contributes to me hustling for my worth.

Today, i saw my mistakes and really practiced at mindfulness and each day i will commit to it

This started from my childhood because i was desperate to be seen as a good daughter, good enough, and gain the acceptance and approval of my parents. I would do anything even if i didn't know how just to feel good about myself or get people to love and care about me. In this very moment, i don't feel like a whole person. I have never felt whole and i know i am the only one who can make myself whole by building myself up. I am fucking tired of this. Physically and mentally. I have been going against myself. I don't know who i am at all.

[This message edited by ChanceAtLife35 at 9:15 PM, February 27th (Thursday)]

Zugzwang posted 2/28/2020 06:23 AM

I get the FOO thing. I only felt my worth was based on emptying my mother's ash tray or fetching her something. Acts of service.

I had to start doing more for myself to break the cycle.

Crazy thing was I married a woman that didn't have that love language. Didn't need acts of service and was independent. At that point in my life I was just tired of being my mother's slave. Though I also had my wife's undivided attention and felt my worth from her. When the kids were born...things changed. I didn't feel that way and I really didn't want to work for it either even though I didn't bother to help out around the house and skip responsibility. . I chose to use words to get my worth when women started flirting (nice to be in the boss's back pocket for the women that flirted). I was a mess.

To break you cycle you are going to have to learn how to fill your own bucket in a healthy way. You will need to change that self talk.

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