RescueGA posted 2/20/2020 12:24 PM

I am a WS, I’m sorry. I’m legit trying to get this behind us and move forward.

Just some history my AP was my neighbor, she had 2-3 A, she is a functioning alcoholic, takes Xanax and ultimately is toxic for me. Not that I’m not guilty but she knew what she was doing and even though I fell into the trap, I didn’t back away.

My BW is willing to work is out. Despite everyone’s opinion of the A and AP, I am somewhat depressed and caught in limerance. I was going to leave my BW for the AP and felt she was my soul mate and she felt the same. Realizing for the reasons I did that it was wrong, 2-3 weeks ago was my last contact with her and I ended it after 9 months.

I’m struggling with the reality that I did this to my BS, the AP, I feel like I want to call, or chat and I know it’s part of my detox. Has anyone else experienced how to get over this. The AP didn’t want me to end it even though I tried about 10 times before and only lasting a day. Like I said above I’m 2 weeks from going No contact and I feel as if I’m losing my mind.

hikingout posted 2/20/2020 12:28 PM

A mod will be along shortly to move this to the WS forum. I will respond to you once it is there.

HellFire posted 2/20/2020 12:30 PM

Does your wife know you've only been NC for a few weeks?

What about an alcoholic, druggie,lying,serial cheater screams soulmate to You?

WilliamM posted 2/20/2020 12:31 PM

I think it would be best to request a to move this thread to the wayward section. You have a lot to work throw. How is a toxic person your soulmate? Have you told your wife everything about your affair? Given her a timeline? Gone NC? If the POSAP is married, have you told her BH? are you transparent with your phone, emails, and social media accounts?

RescueGA posted 2/20/2020 12:43 PM

Yes, my wife knows everything. Like I said in the above post, she was our neighbor and friend and many things I overlooked. Yes it is cowardly to say the least.

Now, I need to get past this, I am transparent, my counselor isn’t familiar with limerance or the affair fog so I’m trying to find another one currently.

So at this point, I’m trying to break this and needing some guidance. I’ve read Mais response in a previous post and that is somewhat helping me but it’s not enough. I’ve watched some videos from Doc Joe on marriagehelper website

SI Staff posted 2/20/2020 12:45 PM

ThisIsSoLonely posted 2/20/2020 12:51 PM

My advice (note, I'm a BS, but I have lived through my own personal shit show before I married) is this:

FIND A NEUTRAL PARTY WHO KNOWS YOU AND KNOWS OF THE AFFAIR THAT YOU CAN TALK TO

If no one else knows that fits this description - it's time to share it with someone - a close friend who is (as they say on here) a "friend to the marriage" (someone neutral - detached - not going to try to hit on you - etc). Someone who you can call in real life and talk about all of this mess openly and honestly. This doesn't mean that person cannot be mad/upset at you and/or judge you - what it means that despite their judgment and their disappointment in you - they care about you and want you to see your way clear and on the right path. Someone who is willing to hold you accountable and not listen to excuses - someone you trust. And for me at least, someone who was willing to answer the phone at 3am more than once!

For me, I have a handful of good friends I've known almost my entire life. One of them, as it turns out, is a former WW (reconciled for about 12 years) - she had a unique perspective on things, and while she was not happy with my WH, she had some good insight and she definitely did not judge me for sticking around and she did not instantaneously hate my WH. She listened and she called me out on things, and point out things that were troubling me. In other words - a very good friend. This could be a friend, a family member, but you need someone to talk to - to break your rumination - to point out that your ruminations are not always based in reality.

For now, find that person, and TALK to them about this stuff - confide in them - and OPEN UP ABOUT THE NEGATIVES OF YOUR AP because there is nothing like hearing someone repeat back what you have said - oftentimes that makes it much more REAL. And getting this whole thing out of fantasy land is very important, as you have indicated. Take it one day at a time.

[This message edited by ThisIsSoLonely at 12:54 PM, February 20th (Thursday)]

hikingout posted 2/20/2020 12:59 PM

Hi,

I could write a lot about limerence, I had to learn a lot about it to eradicate the issues.

It's very difficult for someone who hasn't been through it to understand that your attachment is not to the person that you are experience it with. In my situation, the AP also was not an appropriate choice for any kind of relationship for me. And, you just kind of gloss over that in your head because you are addicted to the high feelings.

In my case, my therapist suggested that some of my issues with getting past it had to do with abandonment issues. She felt it was because he broke it off and that I was not in control of that. I listened at the time and some of that treatment did help but ultimately I don't think that's really what it was. I have seen a lot of people come in here having these issues and like you they are the ones to have broken it off.

I had a lot of intrusive, unwanted thoughts. It was like being in hell in my head. As far as what got me past it, was to continue to dispel some of what I was telling myself. Limerance to me is having an addiction to the feelings from the affair, and that addiction can be fed by the stories we tell ourselves so you really have to be careful about the narrative in your head, learn to divert your thoughts, find things that you can immerse yourself in.

For the intrusive thinking, I was treated for OCD because the therapist really thought some of the obsessive thought patterns were associated.

Reading things written by Dr. Frank Pittman helped me a lot because once you can see that it's a typical psychological response that many people have in an affair it helps with the narrative that you tell yourself. You can see that your symptoms really have nothing to do with anything but being addicted to the feelings of being high.

It does get better with time. Like you, I was completely committed to wanting my marriage to work and I knew I wanted to be with my husband. Stay with that feeling and keep aligning yourself with it.

I think you also have to consider that we don't turn things off like a light switch. It's going to take a little bit of time, but during that time - you must not break NC. Any instance of breaking NC and you will start the timer over on getting past those addictive feelings. That means make sure she is blocked on everything and don't look at her social media - all direct and indirect must be eliminated.

One other thing I found helpful - one of the reasons you are in pain is you have gotten to rely on your affair for all your endorphins/dopamine. I did a lot of cardio/exercise because it did start to level me out in that my brain was getting some of that. There are foods you can eat that can help with mood as well, google it. I took a multivitamin, extra Vitamin D and B. I know that sounds silly but some of this really does come down to brain chemistry and we do have abilities to improve that. Sleep is also important, I took melatonin during that time as I was quite fitful.

[This message edited by hikingout at 1:01 PM, February 20th (Thursday)]

RescueGA posted 2/20/2020 13:01 PM

Thisissolonely

I have done this and been pretty open with more people than what I have wanted to. I’ve got a great support group and so does she.

However, I’m 36 years old, I’ve cried everyday like a baby, which is ridiculous, and then a snap out of it only to think about the good times we had (myself and the AP) which is ridiculous I know. But then I try to eliminate the good thoughts with all the bad and I’m ok for maybe an hour. I’m losing sleep, I’m telling you it’s ridiculous. I know it will take time and hopefully I can help someone out in the future but for now I’m in a bad bad place. Almost to where I said screw it, I’ll lose it all to get my fix with her again, and that’s not what I want to do.

I’m just being honest.

HellFire posted 2/20/2020 13:08 PM

Maybe you need to separate until you get yourself together . Right now, you are choosing to actively abuse your wife. And, if you have kids, you are not being a good father.

RescueGA posted 2/20/2020 13:24 PM

Hikingout

I can’t believe it is as powerful as it has been. I tried to leave the AP several times and got sucked right back in. I don’t or didn’t have anxiety and now it’s through the roof, especially in the late evening times. I feel like the only thing to help me is to reach out to the AP to get my fix but I know that’s not the answer. I haven’t done it but I’m just saying my breathing gets rapid, my heart feels like it sinks and I get hit from my head to my stomach.

RescueGA posted 2/20/2020 13:26 PM

Hellfire we are with a counselor and I came home and left the AP. I have been 100% up front with my wife and she is aware and has read up limerance. All the signs are there. And as far as the kids I know they know things but I’m not letting it show in front of them

hikingout posted 2/20/2020 13:26 PM

In my situation, my H was aware that the feelings were not on any lightswitch. He wanted me to deal with that in IC, and to know I was actively working in the direction that I should be. I didn't discuss it with him much after that as per our personal agreement. It would not have been fair to him to have to watch me pine at all.

While I agree it can be abusive, it can be dealt with as much respect as possible. Breaking NC would be a different story altogether, putting her through more of any that type of behavior IS abusive and unacceptable. But, there could be reasons that the wife wants him to stay in the home, including helping with the children if there are any. Also I would advise you do things that are generally her responsibility as well. Not only will it be good for you to stay busy and useful to other people, but she may not be up for all that, she is suffering through a terrible trauma and will likely be overwhelmed a lot.

If you are pining in front of her, not functioning, not helping with the children, breaking contact or in any way making this worse for your wife...that is abusive and it needs to stop immediately.

RescueGA posted 2/20/2020 13:38 PM

As far as doing this I hide it very well. My wife doesn’t want me to leave, she wants me to go through this and tell her everything.

Like I said I’m hiding it well at home.

Carissima posted 2/20/2020 13:41 PM

No stop sign.

Why are you staying with your wife. Your previous thread said you fell in love with your AP but your wife refused to accept this. Is this the only reason you're attempting to stay?

Do you have any feelings for your wife other than guilt?

RescueGA posted 2/20/2020 13:44 PM

Carrisisma,

Are you familiar with the terms of limerance and an affair fog? If you were I think you would understand where I’m coming from.

Also, I, on my own called it off with the AP.

crazyblindsided posted 2/20/2020 13:47 PM

I just bumped a thread that might be helpful to you called "Maia's Withdrawal Survival Guide"

Wintergarden posted 2/20/2020 13:56 PM

No stop sign.

I can see you are finding this hard but the reality is and will be that your W will find it much harder. She will have to deal with your rejection and betrayal for the rest of her life. It's time to put her first. You know you have to deal with the fog and the effects of limerance now, but that will dull and change and you will have lots of other feelings to deal with. It's early days and what you do now will make a huge difference to everyone's future.

[This message edited by Wintergarden at 1:57 PM, February 20th (Thursday)]

RescueGA posted 2/20/2020 13:59 PM

Winter garden,

I appreciate that, anything you recommend to get over those thoughts and feelings when they surge?

HellFire posted 2/20/2020 14:06 PM

Being honest with her doesn't mean you aren't being abusive. This is emotional abuse.

The kids may not know,but they're not stupid. They know something isn't right. They know mom is sad, even if she's hiding it.

Do you want to be a good father?

A good father, doesn't take time away from his children, and his wife, to talk to his girlfriend.

A good father doesn't risk the family, security, and happiness of their children, for a side piece.

A good father does not do things, that he knows will hurt his children.

Do you want to be a good father? I'm not so sure that you want to be a good husband. Maybe you do not want to be married to your wife anymore. But if you want to be a good father, you need to take a good long look in the mirror, and then tell yourself to knock it off. Because you are not being a good father right now. You are not setting a good example. You are not putting their happiness, their well being, and their Security First.

You are pining for a drug-addicted alcoholic serial cheater.

Do you love your children, more than you think you love this other woman? If the answer is yes, then you should be able to break away from this woman. Put your children first. Be a man they can be proud of.

[This message edited by HellFire at 2:08 PM, February 20th (Thursday)]