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Just found out my (34M) wife's (36F) 4-month affair

karatekid143 posted 2/19/2020 10:34 AM

I just found out my (34M) wife (36F) of six years have been having an intense affair for the past 4 months. I don’t know what to do so I am dumping my brain here. If you want to skip to the cheating part, please jump to point 8.

Background:

1. We met in 2011 at work when she was 27 and I was 25. We fell in love, had great sex everday, moved-in together within a year, adopted a dog and generally decided to spend our lives together. Life was great for the first couple of years.

2. However, she was unhappy with her 9-to-5 work and wanted to go to grad school - I supported her fully even though her family was against this and she ended up going to a top East coast school in 2014 while I worked in West cost (I had a really good job that I did not want to leave for just two years and her college town did not have too many prospects for me).

3. While applying for school in 2013, we had an accidental pregnancy and I supported her decision to abort because she was going to go to school and at that point we were not ready to be parents and she is not exactly the motherly type. This abortion put a huge dampener on our sex lives - she stopped having sex for a long time and when she did, she would be very stiff and she rarely had orgasms.

4. So, before going to school, we decided to get married to make sure we survive the 2 years of long distance relationship while I worked in West coast and she went to school in East coast and we got married in 2014. I know this is a terrible reason to get married but we were quite sure we wanted to be together for the rest of our lives and did not want to wait till after grad school.

5. During her time in grad school. I noticed the biggest change in her - she rarely appreciated me visiting her even though it cost me a lot of time and effort to fly to her once or twice a month across the country. She explicitly said “we can’t have sex while you just come here for a couple of days”. She generally seemed disconnected. I chalked it off as being busy with school but now I strongly suspect she cheated on me while she was in school if not physically at least emotionally.

6. After she graduated from grad school in 2016, we decided to move to NYC as it was one of the few cities that provided opportunities in both our fields. Here in NYC, while her career floundered (she had tough time doing what she liked in the field that she went to grad school for), my career took off in my new job in New York. During this time, she increasingly become depressed and angry. We had fights about small things (mostly her playing on things I hate and me escalating the argument) and she repeatedly repulsed my advances for sex (don’t know if fights led to no sex or no sex led to fights). She went to a couple of therapists and essentially she was depressed because of her debts and lack of success. Since my career took off, I had a lot more money and we travelled a lot and did adventurous things but I felt she was mostly dragging along instead of contributing to the relationship.

7. Anyway, this went on for 2 more years and in 2018, I finally saved up to buy a nice home in the suburbs. I wanted a “normal life” - wife, pets, yard, vacations and kids and initially she was vehemently against this and we had a big argument about this that essentially switched me off completely. Sadly, this is also the point when she kind of recovered from her depression and she actually fell in love with the house and so we bought it and settled in and she slowly warmed up about having kids. The first few months of the new house was settling-in and we connected a bit doing that and she truly made some efforts to re-connect but I at this point was too broken over the past 2-4 years to be truly there. We slowly went from once a week sex to once in a quarter sex and our bedroom was essentially dead. I made myself busy by putting even more time to my work. Even when we travelled to romantic destinations, we rarely had sex.

8. In late 2019, she got a remote project back in West coast and I again supported her to do this even though her family was against this. This involved working and traveling a lot to the West coast while I worked in NYC. Even when she was in NYC, she started being very secretive and protective about her phone and would spend hours in her room or in her bathroom. She started coming home very late and did not even come back home some nights and said she was tired and got a hotel and I believed her (lol). None of this raised a red flag - I was too naive and gullible.

9. 7 days ago, I accidentally picked up her unlocked phone and saw an explicit text with this co-worker (I met him once). I then saw the history (and not the messages) - hundreds of texts a day, hours of phone calls and FaceTimes (we share phone plans so even though she deleted everything - I saw the number and timings on our shared phone plans). I immediately confronted her and she “confessed” that she connected with him emotionally first since I was not emotionally there for her and she kissed him once and did not have sex and she wanted to end it soon and tell me about it. We talked through the night and she was very sorry and begged and pleaded for me to not leave and she said she would call it off the very next day. She said she would never lie to me again and wanted to rebuild our relationship and do anything and everything to make me happy. I was too numb with shock and believed her.

10. The next day, being suspicious, I snooped around in her phone and I found the rest of the text messages in her trash (not everything - I did not see the WhatsApp nor the FaceTimes or the super old texts or the videos - all of which she deleted). It was clear she lied to me the night before - there were lots of explicit messages and pictures and it was clear she was hiding a lot. I again confronted her and she completely broke down and “confessed” again. She had sex with him almost a dozen time - he flew from West coast to NYC 3-4 times and she even flew across the country to see him over a weekend and slept with him while I was gone on a business trip. She explicitly lied about both these events the night before - I had asked her if she saw him when she went to the West coast - she said “we just grabbed coffee” while she actually spent the entire weekend with him in his apartment. I also asked her the night before about all those nights she worked late and she said she was indeed busy while she was actually visiting him in his hotel and staying with him on some nights and having sex. There was also clearly no indication of her breaking it off with him (but also it clearly looked like she was not really planning to leave me either) even though she said planned to break it off within the next week or so to me the night before. I told her I was done and we were selling the house and divorcing. She completely broke down and cried - even though I hated her I can’t see her cry and I felt sorry for her, for myself and for all the years together. I had almost forgiven her for the sex (after all we had a dead bedroom) but I could not forgive her for the lies the night before and how I believed those lies and the fact she was ready to start fresh with a big lie. She said she was lying to protect me and was ashamed of what she had done and it was all a big mistake and she would have eventually told me (again I don’t believe the last part) and she would have broken off the relationship in few days anyway (I don’t believe it - one of her last message was she could not wait to see him again) and she is ready to start fresh and do anything to have me in her life. She called him in front of me and broke up with him and has not contacted him ever since (I keep checking her phone and apps) and has truly been very nice to me (if not for the affair I would be really happy if she was like this).

11. And, then she initiated sex and I fell for it. We had intense uninhibited sex the past few days (we had sex 30+ times in the week since I found out - more than the last 2 years of our marriage!). The first few times, I was catatonic and she initiated sex and rode me and she came while I just lied there but after few drays I got into it and we had perhaps the best sex of our lives and did things in bed we never did before. I don’t know what happened - I think its heady a mixture of: a) Me being actually turned on by the fantasy of her with someone else - I was really surprised by this. When I think of her with someone else, I become aroused. Is this normal? b) Me missing our old emotional connection with her and our sex lives when we first met c) The sex itself was fantastic and uninhibited which was great d) Knowing that we would probably separate soon and I would never be with her again made it more precious e) It was incredibly sexy to see her initiate sex instead of me like usual f) I actually just wanted to fuck to turn off my brain and not think about the terrible sadness otherwise.

Every time after, I feel emotionally numb and really guilty and not sure what I am doing.

12. She keeps saying that her love for me would overcome everything and she would prove it and make me happy and she wants to have kids with me and the affair was a mistake because she felt emotionally abandoned and this guy came in at a vulnerable point in her life and I would like to believe her but I don’t know if she is saying all this because I am the “safe choice” - I make significantly more than her and provide all the life comforts and going through separation would be extremely traumatic for both of us (more for her since she would be the reason) or does she actually want to make things better? Honestly, I have forgiven her for the affair and the lies during the affair - if she did what she did when we had a good relationship I would have walked out but the fact we were in a dead bedroom and she slept with someone DURING that period makes the affair easier for me to digest. What is truly hard for me to swallow is how she lied after the first night (“we just kissed and met for coffee”) and (“I was going to breakup with him anyway in few days and tell you soon”) the fact she was ready to start fresh on lies.

---

I have no else to talk to - I am emotionally distant from my parents, I don’t have siblings, therapists are a waste of time and money for me, all my close friends are either guys who would not really understand or folks who are common friends of ours and being cuckolded isn’t exactly something you’d bring up to them. When I did bring up talking to my mom - she was vehemently against it and begged and cried and I probably still can’t talk about this to my mom because of the emotional distance we have. That’s why I am asking here. Should I stay and give her a chance? Or should I leave? Advise?

TheLostOne2020 posted 2/19/2020 10:42 AM

11. And, then she initiated sex and I fell for it. We had intense uninhibited sex the past few days (we had sex 30+ times in the week since I found out - more than the last 2 years of our marriage!). The first few times, I was catatonic and she initiated sex and rode me and she came while I just lied there but after few drays I got into it and we had perhaps the best sex of our lives and did things in bed we never did before. I don’t know what happened - I think its heady a mixture of: a) Me being actually turned on by the fantasy of her with someone else - I was really surprised by this. When I think of her with someone else, I become aroused. Is this normal? b) Me missing our old emotional connection with her and our sex lives when we first met c) The sex itself was fantastic and uninhibited which was great d) Knowing that we would probably separate soon and I would never be with her again made it more precious e) It was incredibly sexy to see her initiate sex instead of me like usual f) I actually just wanted to fuck to turn off my brain and not think about the terrible sadness otherwise.


This is actually really common - it's hysterical bonding. The first time my wife cheated on me (emotionally) it led to this. It will go away and then you are left with the betrayal and lies.

Edit:

I have no else to talk to - I am emotionally distant from my parents, I don’t have siblings, therapists are a waste of time and money for me, all my close friends are either guys who would not really understand or folks who are common friends of ours and being cuckolded isn’t exactly something you’d bring up to them. When I did bring up talking to my mom - she was vehemently against it and begged and cried and I probably still can’t talk about this to my mom because of the emotional distance we have. That’s why I am asking here. Should I stay and give her a chance? Or should I leave? Advise?

You need to talk to people. Here and in real life. Call up your parents - I was emotionally distant from them and they've been wonderful, perhaps the case will be the same for you. You'd be surprised by what your guy friends understand. My guess is that some of them have gone through this. They will be supportive if they are your friends.

What has happened is not your fault - you are reeling from all this. You need support. You aren't a cuckold - this is not a 'kink' you are into, you have been betrayed by the one person who is not supposed to betray you.

Whether you stay or not, put that aside. Right now you have to process some shit. She needs to come clean about everything - have her right out a timeline. You need to know what you are dealing with.

[This message edited by TheLostOne2020 at 10:46 AM, February 19th (Wednesday)]

sorryforeverythi posted 2/19/2020 10:45 AM

I am sorry that you are going through this and glad you found us.

What do you want to do?

The overdoing of sex is called love bombing, its the wayward's way of trying to overcome the cheating by over doing the sex. It's normal.

My perspective is dump her and move on, I don't think reconciliation is worth it but many folks here have been very successful at it.

As a man, my exe cheating on me was the unforgivable sin. I can't get past it. I say unforgivable in the top line but I have forgiven her so I could heal but betrayal is MF, seventh ring of hell stuff so that's my point.

I am not you so I don't know how you view it, so it really depends on if you can get past it.

The normal stuff, take care of yourself, start a journal, write out your feelings, don' t drink or do drugs. Read the healing library.

Therapists aren't a waste of time, maybe you just haven't found the right one. You can muscle through this without one but it will be a long hard slog.

It sounds a little like you are rug sweeping so you might really want to consider what you want. You are still young and can start over with someone that didn't decide to throw you away or you can try and fix it.

She needs to tell you everything, answer any question you ask and immediately go NC with the douchebag. After that it will be up to you to see if she is committed to fixing it.

[This message edited by sorryforeverythi at 10:46 AM, February 19th (Wednesday)]

nekonamida posted 2/19/2020 11:04 AM

You are not that old, have not been together than long, and have no kids. Honestly, the best time to leave is now if you want to.

First thing's first - YOU are not responsible in any way for her cheating. She cheated because she wanted to. She was too immature to handle the changes in your relationship so she stepped out instead of working through things with you. NONE of that is your fault. If she ever tries to say it is, you're better off going forward alone.

Be careful with the sudden influx in sex. It's called hysterical bonding. It is normal but it is not a fix for infidelity. Right now your WW is in "Oh shit" mode and she's doing everything she can to keep you including false promises. DO NOT get her pregnant. Do not bank on what she's saying right now to be true or something you can rely on in a few months when she thinks you're not going to leave her. You and her were on completely different pages right before this affair came to light and bringing kids into the mix is the absolute worst thing you can do right now especially if you're not too sure about staying with her.

IF she wants to R, she needs to give you full access to her phone, email, and social media accounts. She needs to stop going anywhere the OM could be to keep NC with him. If that means she needs a new job then that's what needs to happen. She needs to go to a therapist and fix whatever is broken in herself and to figure out if she is committed to the family you want to have or if she's only saying that now because she thinks you might leave her. She needs to address the dead bedroom, why that happened, and how she can prevent that. She has A LOT of work to do if she wants this marriage to work and so far it's not clear if she will do the work or if she will skirt by with false promises until you get comfortable again.

squid posted 2/19/2020 11:15 AM

karatekid143,

Sorry you've found us.

Google "hysterical bonding". It's pretty normal in the wake of infidelity. I think yours is a combination of HB and love bombing. For you it's about reclaiming what the OM took and for her it's to "make up" for what she gave away.

The question is, can you get past this?

Your wife has shown you who she truly is and what she is capable of. Can she change? Sure, but she has to want to. Is she willing to do the work to become a safe partner? Only time and consistent action will tell.

But this was no "mistake". This was 4 months of planning, scheming, and lying. Countless little CHOICES all made without ZERO consideration for you or your marriage. Plain and simple, she did because she liked it and she thought she could get away with it. She is just like every other cheater we see around here.

Be prepared for a lot more to come out. Good luck.

WalkingHome posted 2/19/2020 11:26 AM

You are comparatively young.

You are in the prime of your life, earning solid money, and are successful.

You have no kids, but you need to ASAP if you want them.


Contrast that to your cheating wife-

She has failed career wise.

She is a low earner.

She has mental issues...depression or similar...that will keep her in a rut likely forever. She hasn't treated this in any healthy way.

She has proven to be a liar, cheater, betrayer, selfish, and she exposed you to disease (potentially).

When given the option of honesty, she chose lies.

When she saw your pain, she prioritized her own selfishness above your pain, your marriage, and your future.

She denied you sex for years...but gleefully had sex with other men. What does that say about how much she values you as a man?


Now ask yourself-

Is this the person you want to trust to care for you when you age?

Is this the person you trust to have your back when life gets hard?


What would she do if you were not a high earner and a provider of the comfort she failed to earn in her field?


Is that the woman you want to be the mother of your children, to teach your daughter how to love and be a wife?


Is that the woman you want to wake up to, knowing how she spent YEARS denying you sex while taking resources you earned and using that $$$ to F another man?


Honestly...I couldn't get past that. It would always be there, like a mold smell in a car that flooded. You get a whiff now and then...it never goes away. You have no kids. D doesn't get cheaper as you earn more.


I would D her. If you choose, you can date again and see if she denies you sex while dating this time. You could directly remind her of her denials while dating...

Good luck.

[This message edited by WalkingHome at 11:27 AM, February 19th (Wednesday)]

MickeyBill2016 posted 2/19/2020 11:29 AM

Sorry that you had to come here but a few things are pretty obvious to those of us who went thru what you are going thru.
•Is there any reason to think this is not her first affair?
•The affair was probably more than 4 months
•Part of the reason for your dead bedroom is that she had an active bedroom with her BF and did not want to cheat on him
•Get tested for STD and tell her that she should as well, but iin any event use protection if you keep having sex with her and if she asks why, explain that you don't know who her BF has been with, how many sidepieces did he have?
•The "was going to break if off" is just a lie. Pure and simple, just like when the cop says do you know how fast you were going I always lie and say now I don't. And is shows how little she respects you and the M to lie so obviously.
•Going across the country to fuck her boyfriend takes a lot of effort, that she could do for him but she too chicken to leave you. Because you pay the bills.
•5 years in most states is a short marriage and the court may say that you leave with what you came in with, but since you make a lot more than she does you may be on the hook for support for a few years.

Think about letting her follow her dream with the other man. Let her go, you are at the prime of your life, 34 yo stable earning enough to buy a home and plan a future.
Staying with her will 3 to 6 years of really intense effort and pretty much a lifetime of think if she is cheating again. Maybe time to cut the cord.

[This message edited by MickeyBill2016 at 11:32 AM, February 19th (Wednesday)]

Tigersrule77 posted 2/19/2020 11:35 AM

I am sorry you find yourself here, but you've come to the right place for advice.

I believe that your WW is in panic mode and doing everything she can to cover her ass and placate you while she figures out her next move.

First and foremost, remember that your WW is a liar. Do not believe anything she tells you.

the affair was a mistake because she felt emotionally abandoned and this guy came in at a vulnerable point in her life

This is bullshit. She is blaming YOU for abandoning her AND the AP for taking advantage of her! She knew what she was doing and knew it was wrong. Hence she lied to you about it. Only when she was found out did she tell you any portion of the truth!

You need to start the 180 immediately. Give yourself some space and time to think. This will help you to make decisions without being confused by your emotions. It will be hard to make an unbiased decision when you are having sex constantly (which is WHY she is doing this). She is trying to convince you to stay.

I do not normally recommend it, but from what you have written, I would suggest you cut your losses and move on.

Jameson1977 posted 2/19/2020 11:37 AM

Hi karatekid143, welcome.

If you've done any reading here, you will see how wayward spouces will lie, minimize and trickle truth you to death. She wanted to save your feelings, total crock, she was admitting to only what you could prove.

My advise would be to take time to make a decision. Have her get tested for STDs.

The sex is quite normal for some, its referred to as hysterical bonding. I went through the same thing with my WW. It does fade, sooner for some, later for others.

There is likely a lot more to this story. My WW did the same thing. Admitted to "everything", until I dug up more information, then she would admit to it.

Since there are no kids involved, I would take some time and assess her actions to see if she is truly remorseful. Talk is cheap, actions are what matter.

Tanner posted 2/19/2020 11:38 AM

Sorry you have to be here. Don’t forgive or offer R too soon. I made this mistake and got more lies and trickle truth. It wasn’t until I put my foot down, told her I want a divorce and made a hard 180 that I got the truth (to my satisfaction). You will get a lot of help here I wish I had found it closer to my Dday.

Dismayed2012 posted 2/19/2020 15:28 PM

I have to agree with what WalkingHome said.

You have no children (thankfully) and you can untangle your assets fairly easily. Do yourself a favor and don't have children with your cheating wife. Don't bring kids into an environment where their lives are at risk of being upended by a cheater.

At the very least, have a post-nuptial agreement drawn up, you both sign it, and have it filed with you marriage license. Protect your future and again, don't have kids with this cheater.

It seems to me that you're being sexed into keeping your cheating wife. She knows what she's doing and she has you literally by the balls. She's using your sex drive against you.

Everything that's occurred is her fault alone. No one coerced her into anything. She chose, knowing full well the damage that this would do to you. She knew what she was doing every time she met and screwed the other man. She knew what she was doing with every text, video, message, and photo sent. She planned her betrayal right in front of you. There was no remorse and there was no consideration of your feelings or her marriage vows. This is not the type of person that you allow to stay around you. She will not be there when times get difficult, and they will get difficult. All the sex and attention you're experiencing now where tried out on the other man first while lying to you the entire time.

Protect your future and your assets. Decide if you want this to be your life. Consider your options. Determine what choices are going to bring you the most happiness and fulfillment in the future. Make the best choices for yourself. There are many eligible women out there. You're worth it. I wish the best for you.

OrdinaryDude posted 2/19/2020 16:22 PM

I’ll keep this short...

No kids.
No commitment (from her).
No trust.

Eject.

Michigan posted 2/19/2020 16:27 PM

I agree with Dismayed2012's post above.

She keeps saying that her love for me would overcome everything and she would prove it and make me happy and she wants to have kids with me and the affair was a mistake because she felt emotionally abandoned and this guy came in at a vulnerable point in her life and I would like to believe her but I don’t know if she is saying all this because I am the “safe choice” - I make significantly more than her and provide all the life comforts

karatekid143


You’re basically paying for sex with your wife with good behavior and commitment. You’re so stable and reliable that she took what you and what you provided for granted. She did this to the point that she barely had sex with you while going at it like rabbits with her boyfriend.

When she was confronted with the possibility of losing what you provide (which she didn’t consider possible) she started plying you with sex. Did you suddenly become hotter than her boyfriend?

Ask her why her boyfriend got sex for free while you had to earn the scraps you received.

First use condoms. Then I would do what karatekid143 recommended.

If you don’t follow their advice I would ask your wife to give you the same deal as her boyfriend. No strings attached hot sex. Get a divorce and shack up. I bet she will turn you down.

[This message edited by Michigan at 4:29 PM, February 19th (Wednesday)]

Robert22205https posted 2/19/2020 18:21 PM

Cheaters tend to only admit to what they think you know.

Insist she provide you with a timeline of each sexual relationship with all other men (since your marriage), subject to a polygraph test.

The prospect of a polygraph discourages further lying. The sooner you have all the facts the sooner you can decide to D or R.

Sometimes additional information is provided immediately upon learning that they must take a polygraph. Sometimes 10 minutes before the test.

Butforthegrace posted 2/19/2020 18:37 PM

Run. Screaming.

Consider yourself lucky for figuring out her true character before you had kids.

Marz posted 2/19/2020 18:41 PM

She’s in self protection mode upfront like a lot.

If they work together there’s a good chance the affair will continue. Just because you know doesn’t mean it’ll end.

You should inform his wife if he’s married.

Many upfront just want them back but later on wonder what they got back.

Better take some time and think this through.

faithfulman posted 2/19/2020 19:44 PM

It sure looks like 1) The affair has been going on longer than 4 months, and 2) this is not her first affair rodeo.

And I hate to say it man, but don't be surprised if the abortion was because she was carrying another man's child.

***

Of course you should leave her, but I feel like you will need more information to make that decision.

So she says she'll her love will overcome? Get her phone. Get any of her old phones that may be lying around.

Get Fonelab and run a recovery on it. DO NOT TELL HER IT IS POSSIBLE TO RECOVER DELETED CONTENTS FROM A PHONE!!!

It's possible to recover texts, WhatsApp messages, deleted photos and videos and more.

That's a start. We can also talk about gathering information via Voice Activated Recorders (VAR) and phone monitoring technology, but I think you will find out quite a bit more dirt just from the phone recovery.

And dude, stop fucking her. It's clouding your mind and think about this - what if she gets pregnant? Worst thing that can happen right now.

You want to be able to choose if you want to be attached to a lying cheater for the rest of your life. If she has your child you no longer have a choice.

[This message edited by faithfulman at 7:58 PM, February 19th (Wednesday)]

Buffer posted 2/19/2020 19:53 PM

Sorry you are here, it is a terrible situation you are in.

I do support Ordinary Dudes comments:

I’ll keep this short...
No kids.
No commitment (from her).
No trust.

Eject.


You will have a long road ahead. There is no need to commit to R or D now. She lied directly to you for months, take twice as long to make your call.
Normal STDs and STIs are a must, she needs to write a NC letter and with your permission then send it to POS.
IC for you both but no MC there are too many underlying issues that need to be addressed, not rug swept.
Keep yourself active, eat well exercise, talk to the family pet about your concerns. Pets are good listeners.
As it was a co worker, is she willing to resign? They may have breached the employment standards. Was the AP her supervisor or boss? Possible harassment issues here as well.

It may be too much to get over, the mind moves will take away the desire as well as your ability. Hence D. But again it is what you want and can endure.
Take one day at a time.
Buffer

totallydumb posted 2/19/2020 20:14 PM

To quote OrdinaryDude:

I’ll keep this short...
No kids.
No commitment (from her).
No trust.

Eject.

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