"You can survive this. Talk to others that have"

arghument posted 2/18/2020 18:36 PM

Here's an update.

I broke up with "Rat Girl". I called her mom to make sure she was close to her (since she’s suicidal) and sent a short message. For a while I was thinking of reconciling, but then I realized the whole truth about her.

Originally, I was still focused on "Rat Boy". He was manipulative, a psycho, etc. It’s all true, but it’s not all. I was in denial about Rat Girl’s participation in the whole thing. It’s like there were two of her: my girlfriend and Rat Girl, and they weren’t the same person to me. I didn’t want them to be.

My girlfriend was sweet, kind and loyal. Rat Girl was manipulative, selfish and disrespectful. Which one was real? Both, I guess, in their own moments. But I looked for my girlfriend and I couldn’t find her anymore. There was just Rat Girl.

The thing that opened my eyes was seeing his latest messages to her. I had asked her to go no contact with him, but not block him – just ghost him. This was so I could read his new messages – which I knew he would send, because crazy people hate losing control – and gain new information.

His messages were, as expected, manipulative and crazy. He even sent an audio crying. He reminded her of the nice things she had done for him. They had to keep seeing each other. He wanted to give her space, but he couldn’t bear not talking to her. He was suffering so much. He never meant to hurt her.

While he attempted to manipulate his way back into her life, I maintained some contact with Rat Girl. I showed some vulnerability by sending her a few songs, and that’s when she pounced. She reminded me of the nice things I had done for her – we had to keep seeing each other. She wanted to give me space, but couldn’t bear not talking to me. She was suffering so much. She never meant to hurt me. This was my eureka moment. I could see clearly: I was being emotionally manipulated.

From that realization on, I ignored her for a week while I collected myself. I read a few books which helped me:

- Leave a Cheater, Gain a Life: This book is the kick in the butt you need to leave a cheating SO. It perfectly explains why cheaters cheat and what to do about it (leave), but it doesn’t tell you what to do next.

- Now What? A Guide for Men Starting Over in Life After Infidelity, Breakup and Divorce: This book motivates you to work on yourself and take care of your body and mind, and to avoid dating for a while after a breakup. It’s good for short-term action and superficial self-improvement.

- Whole Again: This is the real deal. It’s about self-love, why some people don’t have it and why they seek dysfunctional love in relationships. It promotes mindfulness as a path to long-term healing.

So then I realized a few things about myself. I’m a people pleaser, codependent, a caretaker and I help people who can’t be helped in order to avoid my own core issues. I’ve had chronic back pain for years from bottled up emotions. A lot of these emotions have been coming out recently.

My therapist said Rat Girl is probably BPD. My ex was BPD too. I already knew about BPD when I ended my previous relationship. I should’ve known. I feel dumb for falling for the same trap again. Untreated BPDs are emotional vampires and that's how my previous relationships went. I don’t want to keep doing that.

I’m going to spend some time alone and working on myself and my projects. I’m not going to date anyone for a while. I’ll focus on cultivating my friendships and making new, healthy friends. I’m going on a cool day trip this weekend to see nature. I’m also planning on going to a yoga class.

I don’t know how Rat Girl and Rat Boy are doing. I wish I could say I don’t care, but I still don’t want them to end up together. But there’s nothing I can do about it now, so I’ll have to learn to let that go and focus on myself and my happiness.

As for the psychiatrist who was discussing Rat Girl’s case with Rat Boy, I’ll leave it up to her to do something about it, if she wants to. I’m not the harmed party in that, she is. So it’s not up to me to seek justice.

Thanks everyone!

MickeyBill2016 posted 2/18/2020 19:37 PM

Sounds like you are on the road to freedom from the rats. Keep going and don;t look back 50:50 chance she will reach out to you.

RocketRaccoon posted 2/18/2020 23:21 PM

I don’t know how Rat Girl and Rat Boy are doing. I wish I could say I don’t care, but I still don’t want them to end up together.

As it has been said on SI before.... "not your circus, not your monkeys".

JadedByItAll posted 2/19/2020 00:40 AM

As it has been said on SI before.... "not your circus, not your monkeys"

Or, perhaps in this case, "Not your lab, not your rats." Sorry, I couldn't resist. I'll let myself out now.

steadychevy posted 2/19/2020 07:09 AM

Sounds like you are on a good path. You are being proactive and looking after yourself.

Westway posted 2/19/2020 08:19 AM

Good for you. Stay the course. Get some counseling for that codependency thing.

Dismayed2012 posted 2/19/2020 09:11 AM

Wow arghument. You've come to realizations in a very short time what others take years to do. You took time for yourself and figured out what you need to do to be healthy and to have healthy relationships. You have a great future ahead of you. Continue to take care of yourself. I wish the best for you.

arghument posted 2/19/2020 15:18 PM

Wow arghument. You've come to realizations in a very short time what others take years to do. You took time for yourself and figured out what you need to do to be healthy and to have healthy relationships. You have a great future ahead of you. Continue to take care of yourself. I wish the best for you.

Thanks, but I've taken years too, in a way. Before this relationship I was in another toxic one (no cheating, as far as I know) and so these realizations have been a long time coming. This was just the last straw.

RocketRaccoon posted 2/19/2020 21:52 PM

Or, perhaps in this case, "Not your lab, not your rats." Sorry, I couldn't resist. I'll let myself out now.

Buffer posted 2/20/2020 03:15 AM

Good decision to leave the relationship she isn’t worth the worry.
You have to look after yourself.
Regards
Buffer

SumofOne posted 2/20/2020 08:22 AM

I just wanted to say that you display a lot of maturity for someone just 30. You are very insightful about yourself and relationships.

I am 50 and your whole explanation of Rat Girl vs your girlfriend put in words how I felt about my WW but never could explain it so well.

It's very hard to really know anyone's true nature on here. We only see what gets typed out and most throw everyone into the same box when giving out advice, mostly because all cheaters are pretty much the same. This situation is weird but at it's core it still follows the basic cheater pattern.

I think you are wise to leave this situation. I think your troubles could just be starting if you try and continue this relationship.

I wanted to say thanks for how you summed up your situation and wish you luck as you move forward, no matter what direction it goes in.