"You can survive this. Talk to others that have"

Countrygirl10 posted 1/25/2020 08:12 AM

I have a sex addict and porn addict WH as well. He just refuses to accept it.
I have no advice I just wanted to say you are so
Strong, and I believe doing the correct things as well (I am doing the same thing)

I have been buying gift cards to stash money as well someone mentioned it to me on here and I have several accrued now put away as a just in case. And also a friend that has said if things go south before I am ready I can crash there.
Not ideal but a back up plan Incase. As I too know I have about 1.5-2yrs before I would be comfortable financially too.
It’s hard to act normal, I agree with others don’t bring it up. I found writing everything down that sends red flags helps not dwell on it.

Lifeexploded posted 1/25/2020 08:28 AM

It's really hard to keep mouth shut!!! But I have to remind myself that I have the control right now and that's what's important. Good for you for doing the gift cards. I didn't want to do a separate account because I didn't want him to find out about it and then it be declared community property.

Another thing I am doing in preparation is taking all of the clothes my kids grow out of or don't like anymore to the consignment shop. I'm not buying more clothes there. I can just save money in my "account" there and use it later (much later) if needed, whether to buy clothes for the kids or just withdraw the money. You can do this with any clothes, find a kid's consignment store and one for adults. Accept any handmedowns you are offered. It might not be much but down the road every little bit helps.

I am really proud of myself. Yesterday sawh left a work tool at a job site on accident. It costs $350 to replace. He has to drive back there in his personal vehicle today to retrieve it. He assumed I would be going. Normally, when I was codependent I would have. I would have wanted to make sure he wasn't meeting anyone or going to drink alcohol (just so happens the place where he left this tool was a winery and they are keeping it in the wine tasting room for him since it's open today). I just said "No, thanks. I have stuff to do here at the house." He didn't say much but seemed surprised.

One thing he does that drives me bananas is if I dress up (which is basically anything more than jeans and a t-shirt) he asks me where I'm going. This morning I was getting ready. I had a towel on my head. I was wearing jeans and a bra and was putting on my eye cream. He asks where I'm going today. This is my literal routine every single day. Now at least I understand why he's so worried about what I'm doing. Because he's the sneaky weasel!!! They always say cheaters suspect their partners of cheating and it is so true. If I wear jewelry, he wants to know why I'm dressed up. Like I can't just try to look nice for the sake of feeling good about myself.

Countrygirl10 posted 1/25/2020 11:39 AM

Yes! I wish for the years of me that statement he would say ‘you going to see your boyfriend today’ or ‘are you Messi g around with someone else’ I looked into more. I always shrugged it off as his anxiety and how much he loved me and didn’t want to loose me.
Nope it was red flag of his own actions he was rolling into me.
The things we learn as we grow stronger I guess.

And agree it is SO hard to keep my mouth shut too. things that i ‘sneak around’ like ways to save money to set aside. He has picked up on I don’t hide things from him so hiding this he sences I think or he’s at it again.

[This message edited by Countrygirl10 at 11:43 AM, January 25th (Saturday)]

Lifeexploded posted 1/25/2020 12:34 PM

"are you going to see your boyfriend?"
omg they are all cut from the same cloth.

Hurtmyheart posted 1/25/2020 13:52 PM

My WH is constantly over protective. I call it jealousy. He says today he is protecting our marriage but I think this behavior causes me trust issues.

In the past, we both had jealousy issues but he took it way further and had an emotional affair, sex with same person on two separate occasions, stared at and flirted with and made comments about other women. Young women. And just too friendly with them. He accused me of cheating which I wasn't.

My WH had a drinking problem too up until around 5 years ago when he quit.

These last 5 year's were the hardest (until around 1.5 years ago) dealing with my WH because he was still delusional from the excess drinking. It took that long for him to straighten his thoughts out. All the alcohol added to his delusional thinking. Made things appear worse than they were.

Your actions are quite impressive. I want to learn to be quieter and be more observant just as you are doing. Once the trust is broken, It's hard to repair. I feel for you.

Edited for correction and to add another thought.

[This message edited by Hurtmyheart at 9:25 PM, January 26th (Sunday)]

Hurtmyheart posted 1/25/2020 14:01 PM

Oh btw, I still don't trust him. I think he is still checking OW out. He says that he isn't and that he is 1000% faithful to me today. I just don't feel it. I am constantly having flags go up. Not the feeling of safety that I used to feel.

You probably have these same feelings too, I bet. When trust is lost, it is very hard to get it back.

CallingSpades posted 1/25/2020 15:08 PM

Make sure you're collecting evidence on his activities. Screenshot the message to call him on his work phone. Write down the date he was drinking. My attorney says with a cheating spouse I can expect assets to be divided 60/40% in my state.

[This message edited by CallingSpades at 3:08 PM, January 25th, 2020 (Saturday)]

Lifeexploded posted 1/26/2020 12:49 PM

I did. I took screenshots of the other messages too.

moveon? posted 1/26/2020 18:40 PM

I think we have quite a bit in common...not the children/marriage situation, but knowing what's going on and trying to pretend we don't. I just posted my story in the forum a few minutes ago if you care to read it. I would advise you the same as others...handle your business, do what you have to do for as long as you can/need to and plan for a future without him. I'm so sorry. I can relate. It's a surreal way to live. Please feel free to message me if you want to chat with someone who is going through something similar.

Lifeexploded posted 1/26/2020 20:08 PM

Moveon, i definitely will as soon as I get a chance. I just popped on whilst hiding in the bubble bath to post an update.

I was making dinner tonight while and sawh keeos coming up behind me and rubbing my ass. "you like this?" Bites ear "this?" Bites neck "this?". I answer no each time. Trying not to start a fight. Then sawh starts washing dishes. We have the following conversation:

Him- so what are we doing for valentines day?
Me- nothing. I really dont want anything. Its just another day to me.
H- not even chocolate?
M- no, i still have some from my birthday (september)
H- i cant believe uou dont want ANYTHING.
M- no, i really dont.
H- its a great excuse to go out to eat.
M- meh, I dont really want to.
H- I dont believe that. Now if I dont do anything Ill be in trouble.
M- its a silly holiday. Why wait to do something nice or buy a gift? Its a stupid holiday.

I really do feel like this by the way.

*interjecting here, we used to go on a weekly date night but he would complain he was tired every time, act annoyed that we were going. And then rush through it so i just asked to stop.*

H- we didnt do akything for our anniversary
*five weeks ago*
M- yeah honestly i dont want to celebrate that day. With everything thats happened with us it is not a special day to me.

*note. I was calm and spoke in a friendly tone the entire time.

At this point he stops talking, finishes the dishes and goes into our bedroom for a minute. Then he comes back out acting all mopey, gets his packet of papers from his mens class at church and starts reading them. Continues being quiet and mopey.

DO YOU KNOW HOW HARD IT WAS TO NOT SAY ANYTHING? Like maybe "oh well last weekend you got drunk and texted multiple women. Is that when you started thinking about valentines?"

Notmine posted 1/28/2020 16:25 PM

He needs to go fully transparent. That includes the work phone.

Lifeexploded posted 1/29/2020 08:46 AM

He needs to go fully transparent. That includes the work phone.

Oh, for sure I know that. I just don't care anymore. If he isn't interested in doing what he needs to do for the marriage without me having to tell him or force him then he is not R material.

So the other evening I was on my way home from a running group I am a part of. I went a few blocks out of my way to swing by a friend's house because she had left out some bubble wrap and Styrofoam for me (I'm an ebay seller) and I had managed to get TWO blocks away from the road I "should have been on" before I get a call from him "What are you doing?" Seriously? I'm going to go insane. How hypocritical. I just have to laugh. It's the only way to survive this crap.

Hurtmyheart posted 1/29/2020 16:10 PM

Sounds like you are doing the 180 to some degree, Lifeexploded. I guess you are done talking to your WH, especially since he doesn't want to come clean with you. I don't blame you.

Are you still doing all the wifey things for him, like cooking for him, doing errands for him, doing his laundry and being there for him in general? I don't remember whether you said you were or not. I think putting the 180 in full swing could be really beneficial for you.

My WH and I are in R but I remember those day's of just not wanting to be a part of my WH in any aspect of life. It's so hard to deal with but I think you are doing a good job. Like you said, you don't care anymore.

Sorry you are going through this.

[This message edited by Hurtmyheart at 4:19 PM, January 29th (Wednesday)]

Lifeexploded posted 1/29/2020 16:42 PM

Hurtmyheart, I am acting like everything is normal. He does not know that I know about his latest acting out episode. I dont want to hear his excuses and blameshifting anymore. I do cook. We have kids so I dont have any choice there. I stopped doing his laundry a while back because i got tired of him yelling at me for putting it in the wrong place or washing something he didnt want washed. I dont really run errands FOR him but if he needs something Ill get it next time i go to the store. I dont want to rock the boat at this point. I can tell he realizes something is up because he follows me around the house like a lost puppy trying to get my attention constantly. Very annoying.

Hurtmyheart posted 1/29/2020 17:24 PM

I'm so sorry for you because you are in such a tough spot and you have to rely on someone so untrustworthy. It hurts and you are changed forever. Even if he does get help, you will never see him in the same light or loving way ever again. The damage has been done.

What is the age range of your kid's? I just hate that he is this way towards you and your kid's. Your WH is setting such a poor example for your kid's and like you mentioned, he is a sex addict and alcoholic. Sounds like he has a lot of issues to have to overcome and he isn't even there yet.

I can tell that you are strong in yourself and hopefully this will eventually lean in your favor. Your kid's need at least one emotionally strong and healthy parent and it sounds like you are it.

Don't waver and stay on the path you are on and hopefully you have a plan. Doesn't sound like he has any desire to change.

Lifeexploded posted 1/30/2020 09:19 AM

Our children range in age from 2 to 18.

Yesterday I found a dos equis bottle cap on the floor in our bedroom. I quietly asked our son that let me know about the recent drinking if it could have been from the other night. He said no. So, I don't know where it came from. I discretely placed it on the floor near sawh's side of the bed where I knew he would see it. I was curious as to what he would do. Would he throw it away and not say anything? Would he question me about it?

Well, he found it and immediately asked me about it. I denied ever having seen it. He said well I guess someone has been in our house drinking beer. Of course I denied that too. A little back and forth. He said "Obviously it's not mine because I don't drink." Oh, that's very funny. He said that if it was his he would have just picked it up and threw it away. I'm thinking that actually it IS his and he was on to me so he does this whole song and dance to "prove" that it wasn't. I hate this kind of stuff. I go around and around in my head until I don't know which way is up anymore. I'm going to choose to believe that it was his bottle cap and he was drinking again somewhere else because I know damn well it wasn't mine. I could question our oldest about it but she's only 18 so if it was hers she would lie about it too so I wouldn't get anywhere anyway.

skeetermooch posted 1/30/2020 09:36 AM

I hate this kind of stuff. I go around and around in my head until I don't know which way is up anymore.

That sums up trying to live with a liar for me - the mental gymnastics - both sorting out what's true and what's untrue and keeping your sanity when you know they're sneaking around. It's all so exhausting.

nekonamida posted 1/30/2020 11:36 AM

Even if it was your DD's, why would she be drinking in your room? She has her own room to drink in. And your DS has SEEN him drinking beer recently.

It's his but I'm wondering if because he's been suspicious of what you're doing lately, he wanted to see if you would admit to cheating on him in some way. He did immediately jump to saying someone else was drinking beer in the house and it's implied that they'd be drinking in your bedroom. It's also possible that he got so drunk whenever he had that he doesn't even remember drinking it. Either way, poor behavior all around on his part.

redfish posted 1/30/2020 13:49 PM

I had managed to get TWO blocks away from the road I "should have been on" before I get a call from him "What are you doing?"

If I read that correctly he tracks your driving and as soon as you veered off he called you on it?

Ha ha, that brings a whole new meaning to back seat driving. Creepy too, seems he looks for anything wrong except for himself.

The bottle cap incident was perfect setup and you found out that once again he tries to shift blame and you have an affair in your bedroom.

Yep, my WW accused me of affairs, especially early on in our relationship and she was the one that always made friends with Men outside of our circle of friends.

Lifeexploded posted 1/31/2020 08:20 AM

We all have the Life360 app on our phones. That started when I discovered his infidelity of course but now that we have teens of course we need it to keep an eye on them too. It was very helpful when our oldest managed to get into some trouble she needed to be rescued from but she didn't know exactly where she was. We were able to find her within 5 minutes because of the location app, thank God.

So yeah, he checks it a few times a day to see where I am. It's mildly annoying but I'm not doing anything wrong. One time I was headed out of town when I remembered that I needed to call the doctor's office. The highway I was on had a dead spot up ahead so I pulled over in a church parking lot to make the call because I didn't want to put it off until later and then forget. SAWH had noticed that I did that and he called me numerous times (like maybe 6) while I was trying to make that phone call. Then because I wasn't answering he drove to where I was from his work location which was maybe 2 blocks away to see what I was doing. Needless to say I was PISSED off. I was trying to take care of medical business for our child and it was pretty difficult with him constantly calling while I'm trying to think/talk.

So I asked my daughter about the bottle cap and she assured me it wasn't hers and actually told me that her brother had already been talking to her about it. He had told her about Daddy drinking on the hunting trip too. He must be worried about it. My daughter mentioned that he probably needs to go back to his counselor. I wasn't really sure what to say but I said something along the lines of "you can't make an addict get help. They have to want it."