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Here We Go Again...

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Lifeexploded posted 1/19/2020 12:04 PM

So the history of our story isn't super important here. Feel free to read in my profile if you like. Short of it, I have a sex addict husband who was cheating on and off, flirting, texting, Craigslist, etc for 8 years when I caught him in Jan 2016. Counselors, programs, etc etc. Ups and downs. Things were better, had another baby, things went downhill slowly and gradually. Sexless marriage for 2.5 years since baby born.

4 years later after dday #1 I caught him starting up again. Or who knows how long he's been at it. For a while probably since he had the balls to do this when he KNOWS I have an accountability app on his phone. For a while I have known that he's watching some risque videos on FB and TikTok. I told him that I knew and to knock it off twice. He said ok and carried on. For those that don't know, this is risky behavior for a sex addict. It's like an alcoholic having just a few sips of beer or hanging out in a bar.

So, he was on a hunting trip with 3 of our boys and two of my uncles. He stayed up late on his phone and friend requested about 200 people, mostly women on FB. He messaged or "waved" to about 20 of them. 3 responded. One of those he gave his work phone number and asked her to text him there. At this point, activity stopped on his personal phone for about 30-45 minutes until he got back on it to set his alarm. Did she text him on his work phone? I have no idea. There is no accountability app on his work phone, even though he told me there was. I didn't push it because I just don't care anymore.

So here's my dilemma. I want a divorce but due to the age of our kids and my financial situation, I can't. This could possibly be a reality in a year and a half. Do I tell him that I know what he's up to? As of now I haven't said a word or acted differently in any way. He is acting completely normal also which is really unnerving to me. The woman he messaged IS someone that I know. We graduated from the same class in High School. She is recently divorced. She works at the local utility office so I made a big conversation about how I have to go into the utility office on Monday to pay our electric bill. So if he knows she works there, he's probably sweating a bit. (Hopefully.)

I cannot decide whether to confront her. Whether or not to confront him. I don't want to lose any power I have here. With my income as it is, even with the maximum amount of child support (I have checked), I could not support the kids. I have an ecommerce business that is growing but I'm only bringing home about $10,000 annually right now. Child support would be about $24,000. I don't want to go back to pinching pennies. We used to live like that and it was terrible.

I don't need any advice about seeing what else he is up to. I don't care. We aren't having sex. He has had a vasectomy but he has not been to have it checked to see if it worked. I suspect that if he ever decides to go do that, that will be my clue that he has decided to become sexually active with someone else. Or maybe he won't. He's an idiot.

I am afraid that this is just going to suck the soul right out of me. A couple of the women he friended on facebook are friends of our oldest daughter (17-18 year olds). Luckily he didn't message any of them. He also friended a coworker of our daughter and oldest son (they work at the same restaurant). I am waiting to see if she mentions it to either of them.

The morning after he did this, he unfriended all of the new people and deleted all of the messages. Accepted friend requests keep rolling in, about 10 a day. So he has to stay on his phone and delete them when they come in and also the automatic message he gets in messenger. I'd love to know what's going on in his head.

I hope this wasn't too jumbled. Please ask questions if you have any. I needed someone to talk to and bounce this off of. I'm feeling pretty alone. And no, I don't have a counselor. Our insurance doesn't pay for it and even if I went it would be a flag for him to think something is up. I don't want to show my hand until I have to. Every time he wants to kiss me I want to throw up. I woke up with a migraine this morning.

Send strength.

Cooley2here posted 1/19/2020 14:01 PM

I assume your heart is no longer breaking.. Plan. You are very realistic about him, your marriage and finances. Concentrate on your business and donít confront. Heís an addict. Right now he has put his toe in the water but at some point he is going to dive in. So plan. Budget. No extras but be quiet about it. Once you know you will be ok financially then see an atty and get him to accept a quick, quiet divorce.
A sexless marriage, an addict and money issues. You canít fix the first two but the third is doable. Good luck.

BearlyBreathing posted 1/19/2020 14:17 PM

Hi LE, and sorry you are back.

I agree with Cooley. You sound like you have a healthy detachment- keep that up.
Confronting him will use suck up your energy. Instead focus on the detachment, growing your business, and getting all your ducks lined up. Make sure you have an eye on your joint finances so he canít clean you out.

the episode you described sounds like a manic or drunk binge... is this a repeat behavior?

You know the steps to take care of you so you can take care of the kidsó. Eat healthfully, get some exercise, lots of water. Start saving, see a lawyer, and quietly, unemotionally, prepare.

Do you have anyone IRL to talk to ? Mother sister, BFF, pastor?

You really do sound like a strong strong woman. You are going to be okay.

Dispirited posted 1/19/2020 16:28 PM

A couple of the women he friended on facebook are friends of our oldest daughter (17-18 year olds).

That in itself is indicative of his intentions. That is NOT normal. Is this not enough proof? It sometimes gets to the point where such an abrupt realization comes about. This is one of them.

Dispirited posted 1/19/2020 16:38 PM

It always sucks....time and time again people have to learn of 'things" that are not of a marriage. So many stories of of seemingly immature people OR people who never should have sought marriage.

And the problem? We trusted...we believed. And then it all when to hell.And then? Some generalize after assholes who screwed them. No- Believe it or not, there are good men who have a good heart.

Always an issue whether you care to seek that or understand what you've been accustomed to. Those who always go here and there, do not attach. It's a waste of time. But those who have ant semblance of right and wrong, always a minority:)

Lifeexploded posted 1/19/2020 16:41 PM

I also thoughtbit sounded like a binge. He typically doesnt drink buti am sure alcohol was in the hunting cabin. Im going to call one of my uncles on tuesday and tell him about it. He knows the history.

I have one friend I can talk to. Ive already given her a heads up that she will be on super friend duty. We have a code for I need to talk in private. We ask the other to go running. We put on our running clothes and go running. And talk. Mostly walking and talking. Little running. Lol.

I wasnt overly concerned about the teen girls. I dont think he even knew they are friends of our daughter. She graduated high school early and is in college while her peers are seniors in high school. All of her friends she hangs out with are older than she is. Also, it appeared that he went through the suggested friends list and just clicked request request request request on all the women. There was maybe one man and i figured that was a slip of the thumb.

More happened today but I am hiding in the bathroom pretending to #2 so I will tell the story when I can get in the laptop tomorrow.

I have started getting all doctors and dentist visits done and make sure I'm good there. I am a few years late on the dentist. Need a checkup.

Thank you all so much for your kind and encouraging words. Keep them coming!!

[This message edited by Lifeexploded at 7:23 AM, January 20th (Monday)]

Dispirited posted 1/19/2020 17:08 PM

How many times? People come here who've been hurt. And after all of the stories, people render their opinions. That does not negate the hurt of these people. So many people scared because all of a sudden situation,, they are confronted with an emotional issue.

And how to react? Those who relate such dysfunctional and/or abusive histories, then go elsewhere. And those who are so into the dark- those who never had a clue of what a union would be.

And then, children come into the picture. How many think of them? This back and forth- and at the same time this hovering issue. Did you not seek whatever elsewhere?

Perhaps, the other people - those who somehow have their own category.I always have said this- "if" your partner, husband, wife, etc. had done the same to you, how would YOU react?

Dispirited posted 1/19/2020 17:16 PM

No answers nor anything of reason..And that tells me one thing- I will never seek supposed people ..And so sadly, those people just do not get it:)

Dispirited posted 1/19/2020 17:41 PM

you figure out what happens. there are kind people.Your whatever thanking is as always what most question. Figure out whom you want in in your life.And figure out who has that ability.

I have been there-presence with country stores.And I loved that atmosphere, BUT?Severed whatever after the addition.

and I did so much, yet never acknowlegded. You do whatever...never acknowledging what I did.

And so- considering your neighbor's affront, your whatever is how it is. And after years,your whatever reasons are yours- not mine.And when I thought that you recognized your new addition. And the fireplace.

Yet- you have no ability...Sad that you are as such.Every good thing I did, you forgot.

Dispirited posted 1/19/2020 18:11 PM

And all of my "figuring it out"...and then the fireplace happened...And aLL OF THE EFFORT suddenly was another waste of time. You spent time talking to whomever and then sadly you've suddenly been affronted.

And what what will reinforce that you somehow things don't see right.

Nonetheless, all of this is beyond explanation. When you care about whatever, you are your own.. and how that occurs..and you have no comeback. Those who have a reasonable mind wonder what your goal is.

Dispirited posted 1/19/2020 18:26 PM

as would hope that people might understand all of the crap. Me? Whatever when it gets to the point where one has to decide.

Unfortunaely. people here have no clue as to what such a person dictates. And then- figure out what whatever.derelict whatever.

And then? Your supposed branch of whomever. Not A DEAL aND THEN......YOU TELL ME THAT i AM SUDDENLY ok with you?

And then you're I wish to ask this and that.I am tired.....when those other whatever- supposedly a whatever- and then, Iam tired....those who insisted upon this and that is within your whatever.

BearlyBreathing posted 1/19/2020 21:35 PM

You okay?

Lifeexploded posted 1/20/2020 07:34 AM

Yes, I'm ok. As ok as I'm going to get at this point I think.

Yesterday sawh went for a 9 mile run which game me plenty of time to find his work phone and try to retrieve any deleted messages. (I wasn't able to). In the process I added a password to his phone. I didn't realize it would be a password to get into the whole phone, just that particular section. So when he got home later he got on his phone to check it (not sure why; he isn't on call this weekend) he realized it was asking for a password. I tried to play dumb for a minute while I weighed my options but eventually I just gave it to him. He asked why I was looking at his phone and I said I just wanted to look around and see if I found anything. That was the end of the conversation. He didn't press for more. He didn't get mad. Just stopped talking. We had to ask our daughter how to get the password back off because she's the only other one who has an iphone. The rest of us all have androids. So oops. He may suspect that I'm on to him but given his history I am generally paranoid so it's not weird behavior for me. I think if he asks me about it I will say that I had a dream that he was cheating so I wanted to check his phone. I suspect that he doesn't want to rock the boat. Both of us are still acting like everything is normal "kiss I love you have a great day" this morning. This is very surreal. I feel like I'm in a dream or alternate reality. My mind keeps trying to rationalize it but I have to tell myself, no, this is real. He did this. He's not safe. Don't trust.

I checked his accountability app this morning. He looked up prayers to get rid of demons and then visited a few pages. I see these quotes from the app "7 Exorcism prayers to cast out a demonic presence" "The prayer that terrifies demons" "Prayer Against evil Spirits - Remove, Get Rid, Ward Off, Drive Away Demons Evil Spirits, Prayers, Bad Spirits" "2 Prayers to banish evil from a house or room Prayers, Bad Spirits, Words of Comfort".

I'm wondering what in the hell he is up to? Either he genuinely thinks he needs this information or he just looked it up to manipulate me somehow. Either he is just testing me to see if I'm checking the app and if I ask him about it then he knows that I'm looking to see what he does so he will know to be more careful. Or he is hoping that I ask about it so he can pursue some other agenda that I can't figure out.

I'm going to go ahead and pay the utility bill today and see if this other chick says anything to me. I'm going to try to go to her window. But I am definitely going to give the big smile and wave and try to gauge her reaction.

The1stWife posted 1/20/2020 07:47 AM

My advice is to get your plan B together.

Money/financial :

Separate bank accounts when ready

change your will - heís not a beneficiary or executor as of now

Start saving $ now - separate account - email statements only

Change beneficiaries on retirement accounts. You cannot change it to stop him from being a beneficiary implement without him knowing (investment company sends a notice when spouse is deleted) BUT you can lower his % to 5 or 10%. So he gets very little until you are divorced.

Start detaching. Start your own separate life.

And I would say nothing until you are ready to leave or divorce.

Lifeexploded posted 1/20/2020 10:11 AM

Thank you 1st wife. I had not thought of some of that. We have 6 kids so I don't really care if he gets everything while we are still married. And retirement after we are divorced I will make sure that he gets a percentage to raise the kids. Kids over 18 I will change to make sure they get 1/6 though. I have one that is 18 so I'm going to change that now.

I talked to one of my uncles. sawh did indeed have a few beers.

cainsite posted 1/20/2020 11:47 AM

What is the "accountability app" you are using?

Lifeexploded posted 1/20/2020 12:06 PM

It is meant for porn addicts to keep them accountable. It's not perfect but it gives me some insights as to what he is doing.

Lifeexploded posted 1/24/2020 09:08 AM

I took my 14 year old son out for a birthday lunch yesterday. While we were eating, he asked me "How do adults drink beer? It tastes so nasty?"

Cue my brain making connections...

I asked him how he knows that it tastes nasty. He said "I don't know." I asked if he tried it at Uncle J's house when they went hunting. He said yes. I asked him whose beer it was. He said it was Uncle J's. I said "No, it wasn't. Uncle J stopped drinking."

Deer in headlights look.
*Note, I remained calm, smiling, and friendly (not mad) during this entire conversation.*

I said, it's ok son, I know it was Daddy's beer. Of course he wanted to know how I knew and I did not tell him. My other uncle told me when I called and asked him.

My husband is an alcoholic and should not be drinking at all and our children know this.

So here's why I'm super pissed.
#1, either sawh gave beer to our son or our son thought, well Daddy is drinking beer maybe I should try it too.
#2 Our boys were put in a position where they felt like they had to hide this information from me. This son is the only one who told me. The other two haven't mentioned it.
#3 SAWH has shown our boys an example of how marriage should work - do whatever you want as long as the wifey doesn't find out. Completely disregard her wishes.

He asked if I was going to tell Daddy that I know and I assured him that I was not. I couldn't elaborate more than that but I did tell him that this conversation could remain between us if he wanted. We talked about addiction some more and I told him that it was inappropriate for Daddy to put him in a position where he felt like he had to keep a secret from me about Daddy. That if Daddy is going to participate in that behavior, he shouldn't involve the kids and to remember that when he has children.

I just know it had to be eating him up inside for him to mention it. I know my kid, and him mentioning "how do adults drink beer; it's nasty" was him trying to figure out a way to let me know that Daddy was drinking when he shouldn't have been.

EllieKMAS posted 1/24/2020 09:36 AM

Ugh LE I am so sorry. It sounds to me like your wh is a classic addict and is firmly entrenched in his addictive behaviors right now. I am sure you know this, but i'll say it anyways. You didn't cause it, you can't control it, and you can't change it. That addict path doesn't lead anywhere good.

And just EW about him friend requesting 17-18 year olds. It doesn't even matter that they were your daughter's friends (tho that makes it even a little more fucked up IMHO). A married father shouldn't be doing that.

Lifeexploded posted 1/25/2020 07:21 AM

Ellie, yeah I know. Not defending him AT ALL, but I mentioned it to give an illustration of how he was friending people. Like not even paying attention to who it was. By looking at his accountability app I can tell he wasn't going to individual profiles, he was just using the suggested friends section. Honestly, again, not defending him, I don't think he knew when he requested what age they were.

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