BW here. This is a really interesting question.
My WH was involved in a TON of extracurricular activities, on top of a fairly demanding job. Early in the M, we talked about how to balance home/work and both agreed that making more $ was not a big priority for either of us, and that we both wanted to be involved in our community.
However, within a year or so of DD being born, my WH was basically working three jobs: one that paid him and two that did not (local elected office would be one and being on the board of several non profits was the other). I had two kids (one of whom was an infant/toddler), my own job, and was married to a man who was NEVER home. I put my foot down and said that he could choose any TWO of the following: elected gig, non profit boards, or be married to me. His choice for any two, but NOT all of them. He chose to step down from the boards and keep the elected gig and his wife.
About a year later I learned that he'd been lying to me the whole time, and that he'd not only never resigned from those boards, he actually agreed to be PRESIDENT of a non profits. I was not happy, and told him so. As I recall, I was very clear that I felt it was a betrayal. He did ultimately step down from them - tho at that time, the EA phase of his LTA had already begun (IOW, at the time he was lying about the volunteer work, he was also lying about his "secret friend" - funny how being busted on the volunteer front did not change his continued deception on the woman front).
From then on, I would regularly joke (cocktail parties, that kind of thing) that "my husband only cheats on me with non profits" . That he stood by, laughed, and soaked up the ego kibble while I said that over & over again during his decade long PA is a hurt and anger I doubt will ever heal (and less than a week after dday I ran into someone I told that story to and he introduced me to his friend saying I was married to a man who only cheats on me with non profits - it was devastating - a painful night I'll never forget, all from a completely innocent comment) . Later, he still had the job and elected thing, but he was always involved in other stuff too - coaching our DD, being on every damn committee that asked him, etc. Other than leaving the boards after I put my foot down, I don't think he has EVER said "no" when asked to volunteer (and this is a recurring problem in his job as well - he is often used to do work for which he is not paid or even appreciated, yet he remains consistently incapable of setting boundaries for his own time).
I was already putting everyone and everything else ahead of her so the A was not a big leap
This makes sense to me. And it's only been since dday that I've learned how all that KISA is usually a reflection of serious brokenness. His "good deeds" have very little to do with being a "good person", but everything to do with presenting that image to the world and soaking up the resulting ego kibble.
At the time, did your BW ever talk to you about the lack of time spent together? Beyond the above, there were times I'd raise it with my WH, and he'd usually say that whatever was taking up his time would be over soon... or that they "needed" him (and TBH, in some cases, they really did). But there would always be another volunteer opportunity, and he would always say yes.
I doubt my own WH would ever even think to explore the basis for his seemingly unquenchable thirst for volunteer work. I don't think he's capable of seeing any of it as anything beyond being a "good person". From my BW perspective, he CHOSE to burn the candles at both ends and then CHOSE to life a secret sexual life, presumably telling himself he "deserved" it bc of all the good deeds he was doing, and that it was all just a way to hide a lot of deep seated insecurities and other "emotional baggage" .
So - I'm curious if you, MrCleanSlate, would see all that outside volunteering as merely doing good deeds, or a means by which to obtain excessive external validation, OR a way to present a mask to the world that is excellent at hiding the pain and anger and all the other emotional stuff that lurks behind it. Or some combination?
ETA:
It was the fact I never did anything for myself
and in my WH's eyes, I'd bet good money he'd say the exact same thing about himself. He's NEVER seen those good deeds as "for himself" or self care, it was always about being "needed" rather than owning that all that time away was something he WANTED (even when I wanted him to spend more time at home). On the flip side, I've been involved in my own volunteer/good deed activities (and even grad school - which was a couple of years of me being mostly absent), and he's been supportive. The difference is that I did those things ONLY after clearly communicating with him and getting his blessing (something he rarely did), because I WANTED to (and always owned it), and used them as opportunities to learn and grown and thrive (and they were never to the same extent/degree as my WH - I am OK with saying "no" to those requests). IOW, The ego kibble was the gravy, not the meat.
So, it seems to me that, like most things, it's not necessarily WHAT one is doing, but WHY.
[This message edited by gmc94 at 3:37 PM, January 10th, 2020 (Friday)]