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D Day, again

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The1stWife posted 1/10/2020 08:06 AM

Iím sorry but I respectfully disagree with the idea that heís going to change. Iím not saying itís impossible BUT if he truly has a sex addiction, monogamy will be difficult to maintain. And he will need professional help for some time.

I suggest that while you may be forced to co-habitate due to finances - you do not have to make an effort to continue as though you are married. You can do the hard 180. Polite in front of children. Only discuss finances and household things. Stop supporting him by doing his laundry or meals or errands. Donít text him and ďchatĒ. Stop putting him first and caring about him - you and kids are now your main priority.

Stop expecting monogamy from him. That was my previous post. This way you are not hurt and blindsided by his poor choices and continued infidelity.

I hope this helps you.

Tallgirl posted 1/10/2020 20:26 PM

Please make sure your WH shows you the test results?

Sorry about your furnace. Really how do these things happen at the worse times?

Notmine posted 1/11/2020 16:52 PM

We all come from different places and have different situations. If you are unable to leave, then I agree with detaching to protect yourself from the chaos and insanity of living with someone in active addiction.

He has been trying to get a hold of a counseling agency to get help,

He does not need to wait for a counseling session. He can get started in 12-step recovery straight away. There is a website for Sexaholics Anonymous and a list of meetings by state. He can also go to Narcotics Anonymous and identify as an "addict". The idea is that he begins to work on getting sober, and 12 step recovery plus counseling by someone who has experience with sexual addictions is the best chance he has. You will know that he is serious about getting better if he is willing to do WHATEVER it takes to get sober.

Dispirited posted 1/11/2020 16:55 PM

SO many times we might hope that our SO's would somehow see the light. It never seems logical in any sense."If" the offending people had any capacity for empathy, who in their right mind would want to be in the other shoes? Yet- many lack that empathy and that simply supports the selfishness that is so apparent.

Did I really care about this stranger? Did I actually marry this stranger? Yes- people change,but that does not mean you have to make it worse.Either defend your marriage or relationship. Own up to that mistake. If you can not do so, then have the decency to walk away with "some" dignity. Always difficult when emotions (and children) are involved. BUT...no one deserve 2nd class treatment...deserves deceit, OR deserves the humiliation.

To reinforce those points is perhaps the most frustrating. "if" people are are in their fantasy, there is no logic whatsoever.Their mindset is a selfish one. I have said this multiple times....eventually, these offenders will suddenly realize their mistake.No time line, but unless it was a miserable union, eventually there will be a "oh f...k moment...what did I do?"Sadly, most often, it's way too late.And so many "good" relationships (not perfect of course) will be squandered away because it was too much work.

Nonetheless, I and others understand the "tugging". Blame-shifting- as he has attempted to do with you is always a cop-out. Always a lame excuse when you want to take the easy way out. And so- decide f you want to accept that BS (lies)and understand that you deserve so much more:)

Dispirited posted 1/12/2020 01:06 AM

And Amy is in shock...yet another trauma.What does it take? A person ultimately lets you down, yet what do you do?Stay? Forgive? Let the hurt simply pass away?


I get it- I get how the shock suddenly rearranges all of what we thought was Ok. Yes- I get it...I've been through it.Certainly not me! The betrayal is akin to PTSD. Like a nightmare. Yet, we wake up hoping that it was all a dream.

There are no "rules" when people are suddenly confronted with such an experience.And I wish that I could magically make it better. Life sucks at times.I wish that I could wave a wand to help those who have been hurt. But...I and others who've been through through the nightmare can only try to impart advice and solace.

Every time I read such hurt, it has a great and profound effect upon me. I grow tired of all the hurt. And I wish that I could change all of that. Sadly, people will continue to harm others. And all I can suggest is to realize that people are worth much more than to accept a SO's line of BS. It is bteer to be alone than to be with someone who has disrespected you..who has humiliated you. Who has wrought pain upon you to the point of human abuse.

You and others deserve so much better. And children involved also deserve so much better as well. I can not make up your mind, however please think of yourself and how important you are:)

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