"You can survive this. Talk to others that have"

Sadbutmad posted 12/26/2019 17:11 PM

Walkingoneggshelz

I am not sure what I want to get out of this site. I think my friends were tired of hearing about it and wanted to get some outside advice.
I guess I shouldnt have said I dont feel bad. I do feel bad and guilty but maybe I didnt enough to stop what I was doing. I do think I willl end up telling him at some point, but I dont think its my responsibility to tell my AP’s spouse. I have had NC with AP as much as I can seeing as we still work together. I say I want to be with my AP but i know thats just a fantasy. Im not so sure what to do now other than NC and therapy. I dont know where to go from here.

forgettableDad posted 12/26/2019 17:42 PM

Tell your husband.
Your affair partner's wife deserves to know as well.

That's a start.
Honesty.

If you really want to be with your affair partner then quit your job and stop seeing/talking with him. Tell your husband. Do at least a year of IC and MC. See if you can reconcile and if not divorce as amicably as possible. Then do more IC.

Eventually you'll be able to start dating again; once you're a better person. And hopefully if you help your husband or ex-husband heal from your betrayal enough so will he.

You have zero future with your affair partner at the moment. And zero future with your husband. A relationship based on lies is a doomed relationship.

I really hope you can find the strength to be honest now and further down the line after a lot of work I hope your husband will find the grace to give you the same gift my wife gave me. A chance. Whether you choose to accept it or not is up to you of course.

WalkinOnEggshelz posted 12/26/2019 20:33 PM

I do think I willl end up telling him at some point, but I dont think its my responsibility to tell my AP’s spouse.

You are withholding information from two people, stripping away their agency. Imagine if two people had information about you that would change how you made the most important decisions in your life. Now those people decide you don’t need to know this information. You make decisions that would seem foolish had you been provided the information. You later find out. How would that make you feel?

Right now you are making unilateral decisions for your spouse and his. They deserve to have this information. They deserve to be able to make educated decisions in their own lives.

They most likely will find out at some point. Wouldn’t you rather be the one to come clean rather than it come out in some other way?

Zugzwang posted 12/26/2019 20:43 PM

I think my friends were tired of hearing about it and wanted to get some outside advice.

Is it that your friends are tired of hearing about it or that YOU don't want to hear what your friends are telling you and you were hoping for some other advice so you can sway to the confirmation bias?

I guess I shouldnt have said I dont feel bad.

I guess, does not equal I feel bad. That sounds more like you don't want people to think badly about you, so you will change what you said -which was you didn't feel bad- in order to not seem like such a bad person. Which is normal for new WS. Cheaters don't like to think of themselves as being so bad and of course you had an affair to boost your ego. Having others think badly of you because of your behavior or how you feel will bring down that ego you were willing to do some disrespectful things to build. Majority of us have been there. We see through the bullshit because we were already in that long before you.

Get a new job. Stop seeing AP at all. Tell your husband. Let your husband tell APs wife. Send a NC letter. Give your husband access to all media passwords. Get the recommended books to move forward with healing. Easy fixes, yet so hard to do. If you don't think it is your responsibility to tell the APs wife, you could always ask in general what the BS think. Usually, they recommend the OBS tells them. The last thing most of them want to hear from right away is the other woman that is trying to steal her husband and hurting her and her family she has been taking care of and devoting her life to. Just think about it. You are benefiting from her hard work by being easy enough for her husband to indulge in having his wife, family, and someone on the side. You should feel pretty damn bad about that. If you don't be honest and figure out why? Are you basing your feelings because your relationship and marriage might be shitty? So, you don't think it matters? Is the AP feeding you lies about his? Do you think you might be a better wife or fit for him? Which honestly at the end of the day APs are really nothing more than slaves to each other. Willing to disrespect themselves and accept kibbles for a bit of stolen time here or there and to be kept a secret. Easy and needy.

You have zero future with your AP (which really doesn't matter much because he isn't leaving his wife for you). If you ended up with a cheater, you would be paranoid that he cheats on you. We have seen WSs come here with their BS(former APs) and do just that. We have had BS (former APs) do the same after being cheated on by their AP. That is just proof it has nothing to do with relationships and everything to do with yourself.

Tell now. Don't wait. The longer you wait. The worse it will be. Do you really think your BS will want to stay with someone that manipulates them when he finds out later? It is the lies after the affair that speak of the selfishness and cruelty towards someone we claim to love that really usually does the WS in. Not to mention we don't have that right to control someone else.