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Can our [28M] [29F] short marriage really not be saved, or is my

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Mene posted 12/25/2019 08:38 AM

Ah, the old ďit was just kissingĒ statement. Thatís just bullshit. Always is. Prepare for the worst.

Thumos posted 1/6/2020 12:16 PM

throwmeawaynow98, any update? Hope you are doing ok.

throwmeawaynow98 posted 1/11/2020 22:51 PM

All, long delay, but here are the latest updates.

First off, between doctor visits, antidepressants, journaling and reading ("No More Mr Nice Guy" and "Leave A Cheater, Gain A Life") I am doing okay. I hit the anger phase of grieving about 10 days ago and will am letting the betrayal sink in, and I do not want my wife back. She doesn't want me, so I know this is the only outcome but I'm starting to take steps in the right direction. I will be okay.

Nothing is signed, but we did go the mediation route despite some disagreements from others. As of now, I'd walk away with approximately 3x what she would in terms of finances, and I'd be satisfied with this outcome. While it would feel great to hire a lawyer and serve her at work, I'd rather deal with this and sign the papers this month and have her out of my life in 3-4 months (this is the timeframe I've been told).

In the weeks since I've posted, I've employed the 180 and have really stuck to no personal talks - any texts are about selling the house, finances, bills, etc. There is no more talking about us. I am accepting the relationship, which certainly had its bumps throughout marriage vs. dating 2-3 years ago when everything was pure bliss, is gone. My wife is unrecognizable, this is not who I married, and one of our mutual friends told me she doesn't recognize my wife either.

I've been blamed for the issues, all the BS cheating excuses have come out. AFTER the talk about her not being in love and cheating, all of a sudden I'm the one who broke her, who made her unhappy, who was controlling (maybe a bit), but she also went through the phase of rewriting our history only to send me a text on Christmas explaining how she didn't mean that, how I was a great husband, etc. Almost trying to make me feel better and not blame me, but that just messed with my head more. Ever since that text, all business, I still think about her and what she did way too much, but I'm out of "hopium" and not trying to reconcile this. She didn't want to anyway, but the betrayal and anger has kicked in and I am so happy to be getting out, starting fresh at age 28.

The same mutual friend mentioned above told me that she is 100% seeing this guy, but she was stunned to learn she cheated. Apparently she was told that my wife started to gain feelings for her coworker and then a week or two after separation started to see him. The truth is that she cheated about 3-5 times at a minimum (physical cheating, from what I know, not counting the snapchats and emotional text conversations) about 6 weeks before I learned the truth. And even then, now that I think about it, I even said something during our "I love you but I'm not in love with you talk" about another guy, so maybe she was going to be a cake eater and string this on. Awful. So she's not only lied to me, but one of her best friends, and since she is back at home with her parents, she is potentially lying to them about any times she may be out with a friend, working late, etc. I have decided not to tell them, I'm hoping they will find out in due time because A) my wife has become this awful person and her parents should try to help her and B) from what I know, they just think I was controlling and we had intimacy issues and that my wife may even be a "victim". I can't do anything about that but I'm starting to not care, this is her problematic life - not mine.

She is lying to everyone in her path, stuck in this fog, and I can't wait to get away from this. I've accepted the worst, the things she may have done during separation or even before, and I know I have lost my wife. She's lost and I can't help her, so I will only help myself from here on out. Long ways to go, but 2020 has been decent so far.

Thumos posted 1/13/2020 12:20 PM

Reconsider telling your soon-to-be ex-inlaws. They should know. She shouldn't be able to continue in a fantasyland and weave a false narrative to protect her self-image. Tell them exactly why you're breaking up.

thatbpguy posted 1/13/2020 12:46 PM

Reconsider telling your soon-to-be ex-inlaws. They should know. She shouldn't be able to continue in a fantasyland and weave a false narrative to protect her self-image. Tell them exactly why you're breaking up.

Agree with this 1,000%.

hansvoleman posted 1/13/2020 14:44 PM

Reconsider telling your soon-to-be ex-inlaws. They should know. She shouldn't be able to continue in a fantasyland and weave a false narrative to protect her self-image.

Tell them for two reasons:

- some how when I've spoken my truth it's been heard. It's usually taken years for someone else to acknowledge what I said was closer to fact than a ex's fiction. The gaslighting always left doubts in my mind and the feedback reminds me that my judgement isn't always faulty
- your ex may well crash and burn at some point. Your in laws may well not believe you now but may remember your words at some point in the future when a dose of honesty is needed.

Say your piece without agenda then forget about it and move on. You are doing very well.

ohsospecial posted 1/13/2020 19:07 PM

TMAN, I admire your ability to look out for yourself, when itís clear your WW wouldnít look out for your M. are young! Best wishes on moving forward.

Buffer posted 1/13/2020 19:31 PM

Strength brother, man cyber hugs. When D Exspose her ways to all with your evidence. Have you ever asked why she married you in the first place?


throwmeawaynow98 posted 1/14/2020 10:17 AM

All, I go back and forth on telling my in-laws... it eats me up inside because they are wonderful people and I don't want to hurt them even more. I've brought this question up to friends and they have said that my wife needs to be the one to tell them, but if I do tell them, do I wait for months until everything is final? Do I wait until we sign the mediation papers? Do I just not do it?

Also, the pain is still so bad, I've had good days but actually left work early yesterday because I was such a mess. I'm not sure why, maybe too much free time with my thoughts lately, maybe just because we're still going through the paperwork with both the house and the mediation. I'm actually talking to a counselor for the first time this week. What can I be doing to not obsess over her and the situation? Work has not been a helpful distraction at all, and my appetite and workout willingness still has a ways to go, what are some ways to occupy myself that have worked for you?

Thumos posted 1/14/2020 13:07 PM

it eats me up inside because they are wonderful people and I don't want to hurt them even more. I've brought this question up to friends and they have said that my wife needs to be the one to tell them, but if I do tell them, do I wait for months until everything is final? Do I wait until we sign the mediation papers? Do I just not do it?

1. Do it now. Before she's had a chance to bullshit them more.

2. You're not hurting them. That's on her. You're telling them the truth about why you're breaking up. You're not sugarcoating it to allow your wayward to create a false narrative.

3. I see no reason to wait. Do it now. Otherwise, she'll spin a false narrative.

Sunshine184 posted 1/15/2020 18:05 PM

Hi throwme, youíll get lots of suggestions/ideas for filling your time. I started my day with yoga and meditation while the sun came up. It helped me, since I couldnít sleep much, to start the day feeling centred and determined to get through the day. I have dogs so I did a lot of walking. I talked with friends who were close and messaged with friends who were far away. I got out. Small events for local artists or performers - it got me out and also supported artists who struggle for $. Went to massage therapy to help me relax. Went to the gym. I hope you find the tools that work for you :)

Trdd posted 1/15/2020 19:37 PM

It sounds like you are negotiating an advantageous financial split. I wouldn't blow up anything with the in laws if it would send you to divorce court. After you are certain the financial agreement is fully set and can't be reversed then you could consider telling the in laws. I would share your version if possible at that time.

Tigersrule77 posted 1/16/2020 11:53 AM

Thrown, your focus should be on yourself and your healing. If you believe that telling your in-laws about this will help you heal and you need to do it now, then do so. If it's not a priority, then wait.

I would agree with the others that it sounds like right now, your STBXWW is not making the D difficult. That could change quickly if you expose her A. If I were in your shoes (I'm not), I would wait until the D was final. But this is your life and you know what is best for you.

throwmeawaynow98 posted 1/21/2020 20:17 PM

As others have said, I'd be making out good with the property settlement agreement, and would like to get through this and then tell her parents once all is final. They deserve to know especially because they're housing her while she continues the affair into separation (as far as I know).

I'm hitting some blocks in the road as it's been pulling teeth lately to get her to read an email about the house, coordinate times to sign and notarize the papers, etc. Hoping to have everything in proper motion this weekend, just no idea why she is slow to respond and has these hangups. Maybe it's hitting her that this is real, but she wanted this, she said she's not in love, she said she didn't want counseling, she cheated. I'm so ready and I've been healing with medication, hobbies, IC and I'm really doing okay! I just want this to be over and I know she does too but right now she's very slow to the game and I don't quite understand it... will keep you all posted.

Buffer posted 1/21/2020 20:35 PM

Just keep doing what you are doing.
Be cool, confident and jet her to sign. Take care of your self, exercise more, invest in new cloths, be her envy every time she sees you.
Once she has signed, then exspose her actions to all including HR.


sorryforeverythi posted 1/22/2020 17:06 PM


My two cents on the telling the in-laws. You should do it.

My first marriage my wife painted a picture to her family that I was abusive and she feared for her safety all the time. They believed her because they had not reason to doubt her.

We had three kids and I would see them at their graduations and when I went to the first one my ex father in law pulled me aside and apologized to me. He said that what he was told didn't add up with what he knew and saw from me whenever we interacted. He said I should have said something to him in the begining. He said it would have helped because he didn't have any other information and didn't feel comfortable reaching out to me in the situation.

What do you have to lose telling them? Will she come back if you don't. Will she suddenly start loving you again because you are being the bigger person.

Honesty is the light that pierces lies, and she is a liar. She lied to you and she is lying to them.

Stand up for yourself, if you truly don't care how it turns out with the marriage you have nothing to lose telling them the truth.

throwmeawaynow98 posted 1/28/2020 02:33 AM

Posted this in general, but have had a lot of feedback from you wonderful people, so posing the below here as well about exposure. I fear it may be too late, and it won't change anything, but there was a chance in November for me to say something and I did not come clean because I wanted to reconcile and didn't want it to come to light. Is it too late? Should I say something subtly? Or just write something up to feel better but keep it to myself?

The papers are signed now. What are the pros and cons to exposure? I'm not talking "blast her on social media", but I'd really like her parents to know, as she is now back home and living with them.
For backstory, only a handful of mutual friends know right now - absolutely no family unless she has said something about her AP to them, which I doubt. D-Day was 2 months ago, and a few days after we separated and my STBXW left to stay at a friend's place, her parents invited me to talk. I did NOT mention it that night, but her mom did say something in passing about one of her coworkers - I believe when my wife mentioned her "fake" willingness to work things out on D-Day she let it slip to her mom that she may have also been looking at a new job, and when asked why, mentioned the other person.

Knowing this, I don't think I can heal 100% without letting them know, even if I don't come out and say "she cheated" but give them (her parents) gentle reminders that they did mention a coworker in the past, and that I am indeed aware that there is/was this other person and that they should understand that this played a part in her decision to leave me. Thoughts?

jb3199 posted 1/28/2020 06:34 AM


What you posted above is fine. As a matter of fact, you could tell her mother exactly why you didn't take her up on her 'talk' with you....that you were hoping to reconcile, and not rock the boat.

I'm a firm believer of truth. Yes, your former inlaws are on the periphery, but at one point you were their son-in-law. Giving them your version of the truth is simply information for them to process. If they choose to believe their daughter, so be it....but at least they will have both sides of the story.

And for the record, I think it was EXTREMELY WISE of you to wait until you were financially secure before possibly talking to your soon to be former inlaws.

Cooley2here posted 1/28/2020 07:26 AM

Keep it clean. Just tell them that she met someone at work and fell in love with him and did not want to stay married to you anymore so thatís why youíre divorcing. Leave out the rest of it. They donít want to hear it.

Westway posted 1/28/2020 17:53 PM

Tell them. You'll never forgive yourself if you don't. Your reputation and self-esteem are worth more than your loyalty to a WW who doesn't deserve your loyalty.

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