"You can survive this. Talk to others that have"

throwmeawaynow98 posted 12/19/2019 19:58 PM

Married a little less than 1.5 years, together for a total of 6. My wife and I have now been separated for about 3 weeks, D-Day was 4 weeks ago. She chose to move back in with her parents.

We have slowly but surely grown distant in our marriage - being more like roommates, not going on dates, not talking as much about things outside of work and household chores, etc. I didn't see this until all of this blew up, but she has been seeing it since the summer months. She has admitted that she is no longer in love with me and has been feeling depressed, I believe about both losing feelings and being unhappy, as well as the guilt of having an affair.

My wife confessed that for the past 2 months or so she has been in a deep emotional affair with a coworker she always was friends with, how she is now in love and has strong feelings for him. It has been physical with kissing too, although due to some issues we've had within our own marriage, I do not believe it is sexual - and she has been open enough to admit the kissing but denies that anything has gone "too far". When she first chose to reveal everything a month ago, she was ready to transfer to a different office (but keep her same job) and work on our marriage. However, as soon as she went into work the week after revealing all of this, she backed out of that thought process and separated shortly thereafter. She maintains that even leaving him she will not be able to lead to rediscover her feelings for me, she doesn't want to live in a loveless marriage, he isn't the reason for me leaving, she may always love him as long as she lives, etc.

I have looked at other Reddit boards, YouTube videos on affair recovery and the affair fog, a site called "After My Affair" and they help me as the betrayed spouse see a little bit into her life. During our separation, as we prepare for the d word, she has stressed that she does not want joint counseling but that she is looking at individual counseling, which I read as a sign that she may be coming around, that she still feels immense guilt and sadness and while she may think divorce is the only way out, she knows I want to try to work with her and improve our marriage because, yes, the first year has not been great. But I do not want to quit.

So...

Do I need to give her even more time, hoping she will find a counselor that will help her? Because, again, even when we talk about divorce I still see a lot of "I think" and "maybe" type sentences coming from her - not someone who wants a divorce, and I sure as hell do not. I'm afraid she thinks she has hurt me too much to even salvage the relationship, which is why she wants to move on and also why she is struggling to stop contact with the AP.

My main fear is that except for close friends, she is not telling anyone else about the affair, just the marital problems. I worry this is only going to eat her up with or without counseling. I still love this woman, and while I try to process this, I can't help but keep hope in my back pocket. Is that idiotic? What can I be doing now while she seeks counseling, researches divorce mediation, etc.?

Is it fair of her after 1.5 years to no want to try counseling, and do you based on personal experiences or even others on this board, think that is solely because she is so unhappy with our marriage (which she keeps saying, this would be the case even without the AP)? Or does it seem more like the affair fog and just an overall disappointment in herself where she does not want to work at all? I would understand if we had 15 years of a rocky marriage, but it just feels like we struggled early on and that is why she wants to cut the cord. No kids yet, which would make things easier, but I am willing to in time forgive her and I still love her. I started to convince myself that I didn't but I see now that I have hope as a husband and as a Christian, and I just don't know what I can do because this is not in my hands right now.

Marz posted 12/19/2019 20:07 PM

I just don't know what I can do because this is not in my hands right now.

You are correct you can't make her do a thing.

From your post I doubt this is just and emotional affair. It's probably gone physical as well because they have daily contact. Admitted kissing is usually sexual. Cheaters lie a lot.

If you want to try and save your marriage about your only option is exposure. If her other man is married inform his wife immediately.

Most betrayed spouses want to believe badly so they do.

[This message edited by Marz at 8:08 PM, December 19th (Thursday)]

Marz posted 12/19/2019 20:19 PM

Don't be naive. The separation is to spend more time with her other man.

The other thing is a lot of cheaters don't want to cheat on their affair partner. They also tend to rewrite the marital history.

Any excuse will do to justify their unjustifiable actions.

Sorry you're here but get out of denial asap. It won't do you any good.

The1stWife posted 12/19/2019 20:24 PM

She doesn’t want to try to save your marriage. She said that.

She wants a D.

She wants to be single do she can openly date the OM.

I’m sorry for you. You deserve better.

Rustylife posted 12/19/2019 20:45 PM

She maintains that even leaving him she will not be able to lead to rediscover her feelings for me, she doesn't want to live in a loveless marriage, he isn't the reason for me leaving, she may always love him as long as she lives, etc.

Sorry man but she has given you all the answers that you need. Work on accepting it.

And if you're interested in some sort of reconciliation(extremely slim chance and I would recommend against it), stop any contact and only talk about divorce. Logistics and separation agreement. No emotional talks from your side.

Sorry that you're here. Try to eat well.

Newlifeisgreat posted 12/19/2019 21:00 PM

Sorry to tell you, but odds are very high that it has gone beyond kissing!!! Sorry.

Seems to me that she wants a divorce, but wants you to file.

My advice... do it.

Do you really want to stay with a woman that is already cheating on you when you are still newlyweds????

You deserve someone better. Someone that loves and respects you. She doesn’t love nor respect you. If she did, she wouldn’t have cheated on you!

I know that this is difficult and painful, but I think you know what you have to do.

Good luck and stay strong!

Beachwalker posted 12/19/2019 21:55 PM

throwmeaway: I am so sorry you have been put in this situation, but I’m glad you found us.

Like you, my wife cheated on me when we were just at our first anniversary. That is where you are right now. My wife got caught again, we went to counseling, she answered questions, got tested for STD’s, etc. I thought she had “reformed” and that our marriage was at least ok. Now, 30 years out, I learned her activities only went underground and she got REAL good at hiding her lifestyle. I know of 8 men she’s had sex with and an additional 6 with whom she’s had EA’s. She been involved with sexting, a threesome, had men in our own home, and one of her adultery partners was my brother-in-law. One AP she has chased for 28 years, on and off again.

If I could talk to my younger self and tell me what’s ahead, I would also tell me to divorce this girl and move on. You are my younger self. There is another member whose wife had 20 partners. Don’t be him, and don’t be me.

Bud, take her at her word and D, move on, find a good woman. I know you thought she was a good woman, but she hid it well and fooled you. There are many that do that.

Post often and keep us up to date. The more you share, the better we can help you. Everyone here wants you to have a healthy, happy life. And remember that here, you are not alone.

RocketRaccoon posted 12/19/2019 22:23 PM

I still see a lot of "I think" and "maybe" type sentences coming from her

It is because she knows she still have choices. That she still has control over the M because you are ceding control to her.

It has been physical with kissing too, although due to some issues we've had within our own marriage, I do not believe it is sexual

Don't kid yourself. If you take a look around SI, you will see a lot of waywards admitting to 'kissing only', but they were actually in a full-throttle no-holds-barred affair.

I just don't know what I can do because this is not in my hands right now

..... and this is where you must shift your mindset. YOU have to take control of your OWN life.

You cannot control your WW, but you can control yourself. You can decide to move on ahead, and it is up to your WW to follow you or not.

If she is truly remorseful and wants the M to survive, then she would be picking herself up and running after you, because you and the M are what she wants.

If she does not pick herself up and run after you (I know, you fear this outcome), then so be it, it was not meant to be.

You fear that you are not giving it enough time and consideration. Well, switch it around, did your WW give you time and consideration when she got a new boyfriend?

Cooley2here posted 12/19/2019 22:32 PM

To be brutal to be kind......She has told you how she feels. Believe her. She is in love with someone else. You are trying so hard to find a tiny light but there isn’t one.

There are women out there waiting for you. Good ones. Loyal ones.

Cooley2here posted 12/19/2019 22:32 PM

Duplicate

[This message edited by Cooley2here at 10:33 PM, December 19th (Thursday)]

Unhinged posted 12/19/2019 23:07 PM

Hello, throwmeawaynow98. Welcome to SI, the greatest club that no one ever wanted to join.

What follows is something I copied off of this site, posted by another member, who copied it off of another site.

Just Let Them Go

The end result?
The end result is to respect yourself in the end, let go of the people that don't value you or respect you. That is the end result.

The quickest way to get a cheating spouse back is to let them go with a smile on your face wishing them the best in life and hoping that everything works out in their relationship with their affair partner.
Seriously, the quickest way to get them back.
Nothing else works better or quicker.

Let them go.

Agree with them and their feelings, "you should be with the OM, I hope he makes you happy, good bye"

Wouldn't that be true love?

If you really loved your spouse, and wanted them to have what they really want in life, which is the other person they're in love with, wouldn't letting them go be the approach if you really love them?

Why focus on the affair or the drama associated with it?

Just let them go. Give them their freedom.

You can take a good hard look at yourself in the mirror everyday and improve yourself, but do it for you, not for someone else, the changes will never stick when it's done for someone else. Do it for your benefit and you will probably make those changes last much longer, if not indefinitely - because it's for your benefit and you realize the importance and value in that benefit because YOU are involved.

I will never tell someone to change to entice a WW back when she's been cheating on him. I don't care how bad a marriage, there is never an excuse for cheating. That is a personal decision that someone makes to cheat on their spouse. If a marriage is really bad, leave, get a divorce, speak up to your spouse and tell them flat out "this marriage sucks and if things don't change I'm going to leave you and find someone better" and if things don't improve, leave that person.

But cheating, no excuses.

Think about cheating. A wayward spouse who cheats on their spouse goes behind their back, secretly, telling lies, feeling guilty, getting angry at their spouse for getting in the way of their fantasies, but never owning up to their actions, never admitting what they're doing. If a person who cheats on their spouse felt justified in their actions, why hide and go behind their spouses backs when they start cheating, why lie, why make up excuses about late nights at work and going to a friends place and sleeping over because they drank too much and any other such nonsense? Deep down, the cheating spouse knows there is something inherently wrong with their actions otherwise they wouldn't lie about their actions and hide what they're doing.

Fighting the affair? For what reason?

To compete with the OM or OW for your spouse? What message does that communicate to your wayward spouse?

They have lots of value and you have none because now you have to compete with another person for their love? Competing with your wayward spouse's affair partner never works, it just prolongs an ugly drama filled process.

And for your last point, the easiest way to show you will not tolerate cheating in your relationship is to let that person go. That is the easiest and most effective way to show this.

"Look wife/husband, I won't be in an open relationship with you, I won't give you X number of days, weeks, months to make up your mind, if you really feel like you need to sit on the fence on this decision and can't decide between your affair partner and me... well, I will make the decision for you: you can be with them because I'm no longer an option. I love you and wish you a good life with them and hope it works out for you because it didn't work out for us. Now the best thing we can do for each other is to make this process as graceful and peaceful as possible for us and our children. I'll contact a lawyer/mediator and get started on the process of our legal separation/divorce."

You give them what they want.

You don't fight them on this issue.
You agree with their feelings, they want to be with the other person, fine they should be with the other person, let them be with the other person.

You will never convince a person to change their feelings with your arguments and logic. You can not find one member on this website in a situation where they are dealing with infidelity where they got their spouse to change their mind about how they feel about their affair partner.

You can't say "don't love them, love me instead",
you can't say "look at me, I'm better in every way compared to your affair partner, pick me instead of them."

You can't say "you took marriage vows, you promised to love me."

I agree, you don't have to make it easy for your wayward spouse to have an affair, but when you let them go, "lovingly detach", you don't have to worry about making it easy for them. It's no longer your concern, they can have you or them but not both and not at the same time and since they've chosen to have an affair, they've made their choice, there is no profit in fighting that decision. Let them go and move on with your life, that is the quickest, easiest way to get them back.

You definitely don't support them financially and enable them, that would be weak, wussy, clingy, insecure behavior - something in you telling you that you need to support them financially while they're having an affair, hoping they'll realize how nice you are and come back to you.

Just let them go, have them move out or you move out and live a good life without them.

[This message edited by Unhinged at 11:09 PM, December 19th (Thursday)]

MickeyBill2016 posted 12/19/2019 23:57 PM

Well , it seems like she has thought about this for a while, much more than 2 months she admit to that this is the love of her life. After "2 months" she has met the man she will love forever...I call bullshit but that's what she thinks. Just need to get you out of the way.

I'm afraid there's nothing you can do about that my friend.
There's an old movie about the term, "7 year itch" where something runs out of a marriage and people look elsewhere for love, lust, entertainment. Together 6 years married for 1 1/2 hits it right on the head.

I know you want to save what you have but maybe it's time to move on, you had a good 6 or 7 years and now she has decided that it's over. It takes 2 to say yes and only one to say no. She has said no.
Is she in a fog, yes will she come out of it? Maybe. Should you realize that you need to look out for you? Yes!

You are not "quitting" she already left and has a boyfriend. She quit long before she told you about it. She has a big head start.

A few things you can do to help get your brain working in the right direction is to get the divorce papers from the county, you can download them, figure out what will be involved, a short marriage will be "easy" to end. Ask her to fill them out with you. Are there assets or debts to pay off? I doubt there would be support as the marriage was a blip time wise.

Hang in there, it'll be a tough few months/years

[This message edited by MickeyBill2016 at 11:58 PM, December 19th (Thursday)]

Buffer posted 12/20/2019 01:45 AM

Ah, the shitty club

She has gone this was her escape. Report them to HR, due to a work place romance, also get tested for STDs as well as STIs, some infections can be passed in saliva, they didn’t practice safe kissing.
Exspose the EA to all, family and friends.
She isn’t coming back.
Buffer

ShutterHappy posted 12/20/2019 01:51 AM

It’s VERY important for you to understand that what is happening has NOTHING to do with you. Your marriage was rocky simply because she was rooting for someone else, she was not invested in your marriage.

Your WW is waffling because she knows she should be with her husband but she loves someone else.

The problem is that marriage is more than just a good party and a pretty dress. After the honeymoon, you learn to live with one another, compromise and focus on the couple.

But you WW has loose boundaries. She gets attached to the first guy that comes along that tells her she has pretty eyes.

So unless she fixes herself, staying with her will simply mean you’ll be married with a version of beachwalker WW a woman than constantly seeks validation somewhere else.

She wants D? let her go. Staying married to someone who can’t stay committed will result in years of pain.

Marauder posted 12/20/2019 03:40 AM

Right now, you're option B. The "maybe" type answers/questions you see from her solely exist to keep you on the backburner. I can almost guarantee you she's dating him right now and seeing where things might go. if it doesn't work out, she'll likely attempt to fix things with you so she won't be alone while looking for the next partner.

And you can be pretty much assured they fucked like bunnies. Adults don't kiss. They bang.

hansvoleman posted 12/20/2019 06:09 AM

Hi throwmmeawaynow

Sorry to see you here. I thought I would just echo the advice you have already had. I too had a short first marriage; l knew her 5 years, married almost 2.

Your wife is using you and has been incredibly dishonest with you. "My wife confessed that for the past 2 months or so she has been in a deep emotional affair with a coworker she always was friends with, how she is now in love and has strong feelings for him". Those feelings didn't appear overnight. Equally you wouldn't expect a newly-wed wife even countenance another relationship beyond her marriage if she entered that honestly. If you dig deeper you will probably find something changed in the AP's world 2 or 3 months ago and your wife saw a chance. If she has told you "he isn't the reason for me leaving, she may always love him as long as she lives," take that as a sign of where she will put her efforts, at least for the immediate future.

You ask "Is it fair of her after 1.5 years to not want to try counselling" No it isn't and your Dday was 4 weeks ago. She has had time to arrange individual counselling. She's telling you by her (in)action that she sees no point because because she doesn't really care enough. Nothing you have written indicates that she is pursuing any other course of action that might help you recover or even just feel better. Sometimes couples do things for each other to be seen to be supportive. Telling you she wants IC but then not moving with it is a move in the wrong direction.

I suspect you were always Plan B. Sadly, a lot of good people are. In my book being honest and trusting is nothing to be ashamed of; you are not flawed and broken. She is and will continue to be so until she works it out for herself. Please do not help her in that process because all you are doing is storing up more grief for yourself. You can be polite and non-obstructive but keep your distance. My first wife came back to me after about 3 months with her AP. She moved in for about a week over which I realised that she was simply using me as a sounding board for the reason that her relationship with the AP was not working out the way she thought. We had a row on day 7 and I asked her to leave. She did. moved back in with him, married him a couple of years later, had a child, never seems to have fulfilled any of the goals she had and then killed herself a couple of years ago. It took almost 30 years for me to understand that there was probably very little I could have done to change that.

You WILL go through those feelings of love, longing and hope. You will also hit anger, grief and despair. The way you survive it is by channelling the love and attention you would have give her back on yourself. The way you protect yourself from her is the 180 and moving forward with a divorce.

I hope a way forward becomes clearer.

Butforthegrace posted 12/20/2019 06:53 AM

Flee, you fools!

Semaj posted 12/20/2019 07:18 AM

You are doing the "pick me" dance. cut her loose. cold and methodical. protect yourself during the divorce.

MamaDragon posted 12/20/2019 07:38 AM

The best advice I can give you is to see a lawyer, find out your options - see an IC as well and start 180'ing her.

Seeing the lawyer gives you options - which gives you power.

seeing an IC will help you learn to detach from her -

and the 180, which is in the healing library helps you to detach from her.

She has shown you where she is currently - she does not want the marriage. Don't feed her ego by playing the pick me dance. It hurts, not going to lie but we will be here to help you through it.

Be prepared to find out that this is just the tip of the iceberg. If she says they only kissed - it was more.

If the AP has a spouse, inform the OBS (or partner) You can also report them to their boss but at this point, I'd just let her go -

take care of yourself first - exercise, drink H20, limit alcohol - reconnect with friends/family, do a hobby - see a doc (check for STDs and if you need anxiety meds short term).

Sorry you are here, but the folks here are the best.

justastatistic posted 12/20/2019 08:05 AM

Is it fair of her after 1.5 years to no want to try counseling, and do you based on personal experiences or even others on this board, think that is solely because she is so unhappy with our marriage (which she keeps saying, this would be the case even without the AP)?

Actually, if she has decided she doesn't want to be married any longer, it is. Giving you false hope would be unfair.