SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

My ego is out of control and I have come to realize at the expense of my BS’s sanity, health and happiness, my children’s childhoods, and stability at work because everything is always about me. I have been a serial cheater for 25 years and have failed to take steps for the healing of my BS - I won’t even minimize anymore and try to find credit in the half assed attempts I have made. I constantly seek the validation of women, and while I haven’t physically cheated for 9 years I have observed no other boundaries in my flirtatious arrogant ways, and have not been honest. I always stop short because I let my ego, need for validation and narcissism drive my decision making. Things are REALLY bad with my BS and R is out of the question. I am worried about her and her relationship with the kids because I am always defending and minimizing and she can’t stand me, and she is the better person who will not Solomon’s baby our children and instead will drop the rope in this tug of war for their sake and to stop the madness I have created. My words are hollow, my chances spent, and my victim is at her breaking point. I am not sure what to do anymore, as the things I should have done now seem too little too late. Trying to find humility and abandon arguing, defending and minimizing, stopping looking for external validation, and I am all ears for thoughts, comments and advice from both sides.

[This message edited by wantstorepair at 9:41 PM, December 10th (Tuesday)]

The lifeline I throw you now calls for a major life reboot. As a fellow male in my middle years I know it's possible. In fact I have had to do a couple of reboots to shake up my past shitty habits and wayward thinking.

I call out to my higher power. The divine. The supreme being. I get on my hands and knees and call for divine help. For me it brought me to organized religion. While its not for all I have found power within myself to help me with help from above. Look above and surrender and ask for help. The power to act and change is actually inside you. As the Hindus say......God is in you. God is all around you. God is in everything.

Take a minute and look up I am Second videos.

This isn't a little nip and tuck for you and you're done. It's time to see wantstorepair version 2.0.

Thanks Lucky77 - I will look at the videos today.

Hi, wantstorepair...

Well, no better time to start being a better person than the present. Your M might be over, but you can still change for the better.

I think your best bet in doing this is starting Individual Therapy. As for your BS, following there lead and listening to what they need is also a good start.

[This message edited by MrsSouthAfrica at 1:07 PM, December 11th (Wednesday)]

Read Wild at Heart by John Eldredge.

Do you have a plan for improving your behavior around women and finding validation from a more appropriate place? I do better when I have concrete steps mapped out ahead of time, so I'm not floundering in the moment.

You can't do it all at once. Begin with stopping behaviors that hurt other people. It will take more time to fix your thinking, but when you make progress there, your behavior will come more naturally.

It's never too late to do better.

Thank you Pippin. I will look that book up as well. I have adopted a phrase that I tell myself constantly throughout the day when considering my actions, especially those that put me on the slippery slope, "That is not an option." All these things are my choice to make or not to make. One decision at at a time.

My ego is out of control

It’s not your ego which is out of control, it is your id, unchecked by a weak super ego.

I always stop short because I let my ego, need for validation and narcissism drive my decision making.

Yes, just like the narcissistic infant, still stuck at an early stage of emotional development, who is only propelled by the «pleasure principle ». There is no ego here, as it is still very much under developed.

As Hamlet said, « And blessed are those whose blood (id) and judgement (super ego) are so well commingled that they are not a pipe for Fortune’s finger to sound what stop she please.»

Those blessed people do have a fully developed, mature, and secure ego.

Trying to find humility and abandon arguing, defending and minimizing, stopping looking for external validation, and I am all ears for thoughts, comments and advice from both sides.

Maybe you could read about the « false self » and look at videos on « narcissism and object relations theory ».

I wasn't able to do any of that till I truly hated myself and couldn't stand being in the same room with myself let alone expect anyone else too. I was at the point that I wanted to change for me. Guilt and shame weren't issues anymore because I had accepted them. I was guilty. I should feel shame and I should feel ashamed. You have to own it.

Zugzwang I have not sat with myself because of that self loathing and deprivation which always degrades into selfish wallowing. I know this is wrong and tied to me trying to get validation from others - it outs the onus on them, not on me where it belongs. I am guilty. I do feel shame and regret and always will - I am keying in your praise that , "Guilt and shame weren't issues anymore because I had accepted them." I have not accepted them and am still looking for a way out of how I feel. There is no way out. this is me. I know I have to own it in order to make any progress in life, though I am failing at doing this.

Why be so afraid of guilt and shame? Accepting it allows you to move on and focus on the future and learning from what you are guilty of that you should be ashamed of.

Because it is so bad that I have been afraid that if I face it and admit who and what I am.

It's more selfish behavior and thinking, because if I don't face my shame and guilt I am going to go on being and doing the same and that means people will get hurt more. I don't want to hurt people anymore. I have to face and come to terms with me.

The thing about guilt and shame. You are already that. Your denial of it doesn't make it not true. So, it doesn't matter how long you deny it. Your BS and anyone that knows about the affair already sees the guilt and who you have become. Your BS already knows the truth of who you became.

You sound like my brother.

I'm hearing a lot of words like narcissism and ego and all those nasties. I really can't advise and I'm sure I'm going to get pushback for saying this. But, from the outside, it sounds like nothing has worked before, and that probably includes this weird mea culpa "I can't stop it and don't know what to do" act. I'll just cut to the chase. That's bullshit. If you wanted to change, you would have already. And if you loved your wife and children, you would admit it...that you really don't want to change. So here's what I'm going to say and it's probably going to get trashed because it will sound insensitive, but it's not intended that way.

Everything you've been doing in your life up until now has not worked. Take everything you know about life, self, relationships, and how the world works.... and...wait for it.... THROW IT AWAY. Here's what's going to happen if you don't. You will find yourself alone, lonely, entrapped, full of regret, and (if there's substance abuse involved), possibly in prison or convicted of some regrettable crime or worse.

If you're cheating on your wife, you're also likely cheating in other areas of your life. Again, it's not working. STOP.

So, when you're ready to change, like truly change, tell us what you're actually doing.

And the last thing I can say that might be useful. Your validation from women: look to your childhood.

Pdxguy,

How? How do I through it all away and start over rewiring ands rethinking. What you say makes sense but is overwhelming and I don't know where to start.

what are you doing in order to forgive yourself, to find compassion for yourself?

You need to find a good therapist, knuckle down and work through the shit that pushed you to do the things you did/do. And I don't mean this whole "boo hoo, woe is me, I'm a narcissist and I can't change" garbage.

[This message edited by forgettableDad at 3:35 PM, December 27th (Friday)]

I had a long response written, full of caveats and analogies and typical SI comments. Instead I'll just say this.

Close your eyes. Now, imagine you are an elderly man and you are looking back on your life having continued on the same trajectory you have already been on. Right now, in this moment, imagining that old man, would you have wanted to live your life differently? How would you have lived your life differently? Would you have regret? What would you have done differently?

If you're ok with that finality, then move on. Be authentic in your choices.

If you're not ok with that regrettable finality... what are you going to do with the rest of your amazing life, friend?

You tell us.

I too had a long post composed. And realized it would be a waste of everyone's time.

I've read all your threads. And come to the resounding conclusion you like being an Egomaniac. You wear that title like a security blanket. You use it as a shield. It is your go-to excuse when you feel you need one.

I really question if you want to change or just want to appear to change, so you can add it to your arsenal of proof that you indeed are an Egomaniac and that will never change [in my head there is maniacal laughter at this portion]

If I'm spot on - at least be bold enough to admit it.

Because if I am spot on and you don't - it's just more of the same bullshit your BS is just damn tired of.

You use it as a shield. It is your go-to excuse when you feel you need one

Exactly.

Instead of blaming your ego, blame yourself.

Well, start with finding healthier ways to fulfill yourself. Bucket list, new hobby, volunteer (without expecting atta boys). Anything that can build pride and self esteem in yourself. Stop looking for it from other people.

Get some books on mindfulness. Learn to stop yourself in the moment and think if your action will hurt someone and why you are doing it. Think selfless.

Maybe you aren't looking for validation anymore, yet you are still looking for an outcome that serves you.

You don't reach the point of true change for other people. You do it for yourself first. Because you can't stand being in your own skin. You can't expect anyone else to be near you if you can't even be near yourself.

You just aren't there yet.

Why are you defensive still? Why are you minimizing? What the fuck are you trying to save or protect? She already sees who you truly are. So, stop trying to protect something not worth protecting. Get a life coach and get tired of yourself already. Be willing to do the harder shit because the easy shit just means you are a monster and you can't stand being a monster. This sounds harsh, but I am not one of those...love yourself, accept who you are and love yourself anyways, turn away from shame because you are only human stuff. That didn't work for me. It allowed me to use that "only human love yourself ego" bull as an excuse. You should be ashamed. You should hate yourself. You should be disgusted. Good news is you can change that and have self respect and love. You can build up honor and integrity. You can be more than "only human". You just have to actually stop talking about it and do it. You have to be willing to work and stop having shit done for you and delivered to you in an easy way.

Thank you Zugzwang. All you are saying is what she has said as well. Humility and Good for goodness sake. I was defensive to her yesterday and argumentative and minimized away one of her triggers. I heard her again, and did not do what is needed of me. Today is a new day to shut my mouth and be mindful of my impact on others.

I also hear what you’re saying about reframing myself because you’re correct I can’t stand myself and it’s absurd that I expect other people to, and that I put the responsibility on them to make you feel better. Doing that is especially hurtful to her.

Thank you again for your candid help.