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little changes

forgettableDad posted 12/7/2019 18:17 PM

I wanted to share two (well, two more I guess, many other betrayed and betrayers share theirs as well) anecdotes on how important it is to understand that even actions which we view as inconsequential may trigger pain for our spouses (wife in my case).

First of, I'm an avid reader. Always have been. And these days given my work (programming) I usually read textbooks or code-related online documentation. Which I do on my phone. So I'm used to either sitting in the corner or going to, erm, the loo with my phone (yeah, way too much info I know :P ). But my phone was also the main line of communications with my AP. And This came up a few weeks ago with my wife; I could feel there was something between us every time I came back to interact. We spoke; I'm glad she told me. Every time she would see me like that she'd wonder whether I'm talking to the OW. Now it's obvious to me but as I said, small actions can fly under the radar. And while she hasn't asked me to change, I make sure to leave my phone facing up on the living room table when I'm home and to read an actual book when I want to be left alone to catch up on stuff. Small change. Big difference :)

The other example happened today. Few days ago I made an alarm to wake up at 5am so I could put in some programming time before the kids wake up (obviously slept through all of 'em, haha). Forgot to turn it off for Saturday morning though. I slept through it again but my wife heard. She came to ask me about it. See, there were a few Friday nights that I slept over at the Ow's house (my wife knew, I never lied about the OW) and I would come home by 7am on Saturdays to be with the kids. My wife wondered if this was the alarm I used... For this trigger there wasn't much I could do or change about the behaviour but again, we spoke about it. I told her what happened, I also told her about my waking-up routine and actual alarms from last year and how I timed everything to come back from the OW to our home.

My post isn't about the things I do right (I try, I want to) but rather about the things I miss. The things we all miss. And we're going to miss things and that's ok too. The important part for me and my wife is the honesty that exists to express the pain, to understand the pain and to share it.

Zugzwang posted 12/8/2019 08:07 AM

Changing the alarm could help. It helped my wife when I changed my ring tone on my phone. The ring tone used to trigger her because it went off so often with incoming text messages from both my APs.

landclark posted 12/8/2019 08:20 AM

The phone thing is a big one for me, so I think itís great that she told you her concerns and that you are willing to make a change. My WH would be on his phone all the time, take it to the loo with him and then spend a lot of time in the loo. Turns out he was chatting with women, so now Iím very sensitive to phone use. Like you, he also changed his habits.

I canít speak for all betrayed, but for me it has definitely helped.

forgettableDad posted 12/9/2019 00:23 AM

I didn't think about changing the ringtone; I might actually change the phone and number tbh.

I used to hate my phone buzzing with a message. It always brought fear and shame during my affair (again, important to know that my wife knew of it while it was happening). I hated it and I was dependent on it

I disabled the alarm. And sat down to go through the other alarms and my current morning routine with my wife so she knows why I set things up the way they are. In short, she works morning shift 6.30am+ in a local shop and I do the school prep and sending off of the kids, so I segment 6.30 -> 8.00 into 10 minute parts

[This message edited by forgettableDad at 12:23 AM, December 9th (Monday)]

Zugzwang posted 12/9/2019 15:44 PM

Yeah, I too was guilty of texting like I was in highschool. Something a man in his late 30's with a family just should not of been doing. Over 100 to 300 a day. That stuff makes me sick. Yet, there I was doing it when it was feeding me ego strokes and attention. I mean really stupid shit. About customers, employees, stock, what I was doing. Immature shit.

sisoon posted 12/9/2019 17:17 PM

Oh, hell ... in the days before d-day, my W arranged to give ow something for her b'day. she didn't, and few days later, I saw what she was going to give.

That hurt terribly. She was giving something to ow that meant a lot to me!

It was trivial to her, though, and it was so old, and it was the type of thing that she really could be excused for not knowing it meant a lot to me.

I think we in R will inevitably cross each other. What's more important than crossing wires is what you (both) do to prevent repeatedly crossing each other the same way.

ChanceAtLife35 posted 12/12/2019 21:55 PM

the little changes do help so that's good to hear you are doing these things for your wife. My phone was my primary source to talk to AP's so i leave my pone out all the time and of course my betrayed has access to it fully. If i see her go to the restroom to take a shower, i slide my phone under the door. Or if we decide to be in 2 separate rooms, i leave my phone with her. If someone texts me and she asks i show her right away. Whatever and however, i will do it. The trust is gone and will never be the same so you have to do every little thing to get to a safe place.

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