Hello Fellow WS,
I hope everyone got through the holidays okay. We had a pretty quiet break, and it was much needed. I have been thinking over some concepts and practicing them in a different way, so this is just a share back from that.
One of the things I pulled from a post, over in reconciliation a few weeks ago was a BS had talked about how there is a correlation with the investment you put in someone and how you feel about them. That sometimes the investment comes first and feelings are reinforced by that effort.
The post kind of went on to point out that the AP felt important to us because we invested in them, put forth effort. Had we been investing in our spouse and putting in that effort in a meaningful way, we may have had a similar set of butterflies. What we concentrate on expands, the power of intention, etc.
It tied into something I had been thinking for a while and have posted several times, that we experience love most by giving it.
And, it tied in recently in my life in a different way. My H has been having a hard time lately. Not really about us or me - it's his own things. I am sure the A factors in there somewhere, I think sometimes that moving forward there is no way that it doesn't factor in some way to everything for quite a long time. But, for the most part this is his own existential stuff, and he's at a crossroads personally on multiple fronts.
So, I decided for the month of December I am going to do something special for him every day, as encouragement. I left him his first surprise yesterday. And, I am sharing that not so I can just say what a great person I am or great wife, not any of that comes into play. In fact, I have to admit as I have realized over the last couple of months where he is emotionally, part of my little wayward brain briefly catastrophized the whole thing and started to make it about me. I worried it meant he needed space, or even a separation or divorce. Yeah, I know, I know. I reeled that shit in quickly, as it was my own insecurity about his unhappiness rearing it's ugly head. That insecurity has kept me from being vulnerable with him in the past, and I needed to push through those feelings and put into practice some of the things I have learned on a bigger level. I can look back and see how I have often pulled away from him during those kinds of times as a way of self protection. Sometimes out of fear of rejection, but I also think to avoid the harder stuff so I could stay in my own utopian little world. So, this time I am leaning in and I am going to do that for as long as it takes.
The reason I am sharing it is because I just got back from getting some supplies for this week for this project. Little things that I hope will go along with a note or make a smile. And, as I found the things, I was really connected to how full my heart felt and how happy that I am that I can be there to encourage him through this time as he finds his way. And it was a genuine joy. Different than the false joy I was manufacturing in the A space. And a joy I had missed out on sometimes over the years as I hid behind being busy, or retreated before I could be rejected.
So, I am just encouraging those of you struggling to make those conscious efforts of love, you will be surprised how much you learn and the rewards you will find in the process of it. I think we forget that sometimes and when we invest in whatever distractions we have it gets easier and easier to do. I am not just referring to the affair kind of distraction - but more day to day distractions that we use as excuses for not being fully there for our spouse.
I am excited to practice this for 31 days. I am so very hopeful that my husband finds some helpful encouragement that he needs while he's in this space. And, I am excited to see what changes it creates in me as well.