So, there is a lot to be addressed in all this.
One, you are by far not the only person on this site to experience any of this self-centeredness or self-programming. Many, many of us have been there done that. I would work on debunking your feelings about the AP and see them for what they are - projections of what you wish a relationship can be. The feelings you are having aren't really about her, but pretty common psychological responses that many experience in an affair. You need to work on this in IC. In many ways, I was very annoyed with my counselor at first who told me I needed to hold questions on how I could give myself those feelings. How could I find fulfillment in way that were not destructive? And, how could I build that feeling of excitement into my normal day to day life.
We often don't want to come back and look at those realities. The good feelings are easier to chase.
The second thing that will help is you do need to talk to your wife. You can not rebuild your marriage on your own, and she needs room to decide what she wants after having this knowledge. I think some of this will bust your self-centered bubble as a side effect as well. I was in IC for two months and was being advised not to confess. I decided in order for our marriage to thrive, I needed to be honest and committed, and I needed my husband to help me to build a new picture of something that we can both be excited about. That part had to come way later, because for a while things are rough and emotional and he needed a lot of time to process his grief.
Not telling is usually about our fears, and in controlling our outcomes. You need to give up that control. Also, sometimes the other woman ends up getting crazy and tells in the heat of passion, do not leave that possibility open that your wife would hear about this from the OW.
And, if you tell, tell everything. I have to say I am not buying completely this wasn't a physical affair. For betrayed men, often the sex is the biggest wound. So, when the man is wayward he looks for the sex to be the deal breaker as well. This is a generalization of course that doesn't fit all men - my own husband was more hurt by the emotional aspects of the affair. But, the reason I point it out is if you are being dishonest (and maybe you aren't, it's just my hunch) because you think sex is the point of no return, think again. Lying about anything is going to be the point of return. You can not try and continue to control an outcome though lying and manipulation, that will make things a whole lot worse for your wife.
If she really hasn't slept with you, then I think that in itself is likely a manipulation to get what she wants. Holding out on the sex could very well be a tactic. But, it doesn't make sense she was willing to blow you the first night and then you went on seeing her and was alone with her many times over a long period of time and you never had sex with her. Just be prepared your wife is going to have a hard time believing that story even if it's true.
This person is not your soulmate. This person will blow up your life and likely be nothing like you imagined. You must go complete NC and get a different job. Expect months of pretty painful shit, but be committed to it. It's not painful because of who she is though, you will see that later. It's painful because you have made a fucking mess of your life that was likely in a smaller mess before this all started. Going from being completely high to dealing with all that pain you were trying to hide from and now have piled onto is going to be a really shitty ride, I am not going to lie. But, if you do it, and really do it well it can be a tremendous opportunity for growth. Commit to figuring out what are the things missing, and how you have contributed to those things.
The awful part is most of us find out that the things we were lacking prior to the A were things we weren't investing in ourselves. Figuring out those pieces and how to use them isn't an easy thing to do, but it's well worth it in the end.