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Lost and feeling alone

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Confised1222 posted 11/27/2019 12:50 PM

Where to begin? I donít even know. My head is spinning. Letís backtrack to December when it all started. I had a feeling for months that something was off or something was going on with him. He was distant, rarely wanted intimacy and guarded his phone with his life!
We had a Christmas party with all our friends that went until 2:30am. He had WAY too much to drink and accidentally forwarded me an email that contained pictures and videos of his ex girlfriend. Once he passed out I went through his phone and found at least 15 more emails. Some with pictures, some with videos, some with whatís app conversations, and two emails with lists and monetary amounts next to each item.
The next morning (December 23) I confronted him about it and asked if he was cheating on me. He said no! Then I asked who (ex girlfriends name) was. It started to come out, but it took a few days to really figure out what was going on. He was paying her for everything!!! He would send her a list and how much he was willing to pay for each item. She would send the pics and videos and he would PayPal her the $. He claimed there was never anything physical, but I still donít believe that part.
Two weeks later the slut sends me an Facebook message and says ďlol sorry you saw all thatĒ. My ex told her I found out and they had to stop. So after that, she continued to contact us in different ways. Instagram, Facebook, YouTube, Snapchat....... We blocked her on Facebook, deleted out entire Instagram accounts and, in April, sent her a final warning not to contact us or we would pursue legal action.
I have not heard anything from her since then and my H claims he hasnít either.
For about the last 5-6 months Iíve had that feeling that something is going on again. I have asked my H numerous times if he has heard from her and he says no and he is done with her for good. He says there are no pictures, videos, nothing. He claims he deleted everything and there is nothing new. He said this is what he wants, for him and I to be happy together.
Fast forward to now. My husband goes home for lunch everyday. We have security cameras in the main areas of the house, but I got suspicious and set up a camera in our bedroom for the last 5 days.
Everyday at lunch he goes in the bedroom, looks at his phone for a few minutes and proceeds to masturbate using MY CLOTHING!! Usually itís my pajama pants, but Iíve seen a flannel shirt and a blanket used too. When heís done he cleans up and turns his phone off. One day he apparently didnít ďfinishĒ and put my pj pants back on the bed!!! This is so incredibly rude, disrespectful and hurtful. He clearly has an obsession or addiction to something. I just asked him two days ago if he was looking at porn or anything and he assured me he was not. He said he was down with all that stuff and just wanted ďusĒ.
I havenít confronted him about this yet with Thanksgiving being tomorrow. But I plan to this weekend. I wish I knew what was on his phone. I plan on making him leave and getting help. I cannot have this type of behavior going on with teenage daughters in the house!
My emotions are going crazy and I donít even know how or what to feel. I feel alone. This is not something I can talk to anyone about. Iím lost and I guess just needed a safe space to get this all out.

sassylee posted 11/27/2019 22:32 PM

Oh Confised (Iím sorry - Iím sure you meant your name to be. Confused!) Iím so sorry you are in this situation. Itís possible heís got an unhealthy issue with masturbation. Needing pictures and videos from his ex girlfriend, using your clothing...and heís looking at something arousing on his phone while heís having his lunchtime quickie with his right hand. (Not saying masturbation is unhealthy but his need to violate trust and boundaries to get off is unhealthy).

What has he done in the past year to rebuild trust? Do you have access to his phone and passwords? Using your clothes for masturbation is such a violation. What did he do when he was done and finished? Did he wash them? Or put them in the hamper?

I think your plan to confront him is a good one. Wait until Thanksgiving is over and then demand some honesty about his masturbation habits and frequency. You are entitled to set boundaries around your belongings. Masturbation is a normal activity but .... ick.

Sending you strength to get through the next couple of days.

[This message edited by SI Staff at 10:33 PM, November 27th (Wednesday)]

annb posted 11/29/2019 14:15 PM

Hi, welcome to SI. Just want you to know you've been heard, weekends are slow and holidays tend to be slower.

If you are tech savvy, you can purchase a recovery program that will download everything your husband is doing on his phone. I think it's called FoneLab?

Anyhow, I agree with you, he's either looking at more videos from this other woman or something else on his phone, it's addictive behavior.

Please let us know how the confrontation goes, he will probably deny. I wouldn't tell him how you know, you might need to use that camera again in the future to help you get to the truth.

A huge hug...

annb posted 11/29/2019 16:59 PM

I just went back to your original posts.

Your husband has been cheating for EIGHT years.

Why are you still in this marriage?

He's not going to change.

Confised1222 posted 11/30/2019 13:20 PM

I wanted to give him a chance after December. He slowly changed and it seemed like he was trying to regain my trust. He started talking more and answering any questions I had. He reassured me this is what he wanted and that he was done with his ex. He left his phone out for me to look at any time I wanted. But for the last few months something just felt off. Iím so incredibly mad and hurt. His words definitely dint match his actions. When I confront him, I will be telling him to leave. If he doesnít leave, I will be calling his family to tell them what he did. If he still doesnít leave, I will begin calling his friends. I already have my daughter set up with a counselor, now I need to find one for myself.

nekonamida posted 11/30/2019 14:49 PM

That sounds like a good plan. It's unacceptable for him to act like this after 8 years of cheating. He should be moving mountains to keep you and not creating more problems.

Confised1222 posted 12/2/2019 19:30 PM

I just confronted him and he FLIPPED out! Like Iíve never seen him do before. He smashed all the blink security cameras, called me a f***ing psycho and told me he wants a divorce. The he packed a bag, told me he couldnít stand to be around me anymore and left. I knew the confrontation wouldnít go well, but I did not expect that kind of reaction. He was so angry. I thought I would feel better once it was all out in the open, but I feel so much worse.

faithfulman posted 12/2/2019 19:38 PM

He is unstable document his actions and protect you and your child.

nekonamida posted 12/2/2019 19:57 PM

Confised, take a deep breathe. This is DARVO (deny, attack, reverse victim and offender) in action. It is MEANT to make you feel terrible for even saying anything. It is MEANT to make you feel like the bad guy for confronting and having feelings about being lied to. It is MEANT to make you chase after him and apologize for your reasonable questioning and concerns about HIS bad behavior. Don't buy into it. Don't fall for it.

See a lawyer tomorrow. Prepare for a D. He's probably bluffing but don't take that chance and ask yourself, honestly, do you really want to stay with someone who treats you with such disrespect and then blows up at you when you point it out to them? Of course not. So act like he's serious and only stop and reassess things if he GENUINELY turns this around and starts moving those mountains for you. Don't entertain any lame or half-assed attempts at stalling a D without doing the work such as blaming you, saying he's doesn't want to D but isn't sure about you either, empty promises without concrete actions behind them, etc.

It feels bad because of the way he manipulated you but once you can see that for what it is, the feeling will stop and you will find your bitch boots again. You can do this. You can stand up for yourself and demand better. You don't need him if he's not going to do the work of R.

20yrsagoBS posted 12/2/2019 20:01 PM


Why was he angry? He was the one masturbating on your clothing.

skeetermooch posted 12/2/2019 21:01 PM

I'm so sorry you are dealing with this.

Mine reacted with similar over the top rage when I caught him - same words - I was a psycho, pathological, needed to be institutionalized because of my jealousy. He couldn't even talk to me he was so disgusted. And that was just me finding an inappropriate text message.

They do not react well when their worlds collide and their secrets come to light.

The more I found out the more disturbing it all was - my husband went to see a much older woman who offered paid sessions of "dry nursing." Gag me. He was into "daddy" fetishes, you name it - all over the map and not what I expected.

These people are deeply closeted around their maladapted sexual preferences and the shame is huge. They lash out when we corner them with the truth.

Buffer posted 12/2/2019 21:05 PM

He needs help

Dragonfly123 posted 12/3/2019 00:34 AM

Read Nekonamidaís post again and again. This is nasty manipulation in action. He wants YOU to be the bad guy.

He had NO RIGHT to be angry. Move forward with conviction. Donít let his manipulation dictate the way this moves forward.

Sending you hugs!

undertherug posted 12/3/2019 05:42 AM

I think he was very embarrassed. His dirty little secret was on film for everyone to see. I hope you were able to salvage a copy before he destroyed the cameras. I agree he is not a fit father for two teenage girls. What if one of them had seen this depravity? Masturbating is one thing, but doing it in YOUR clothes while watching who knows what? The ick factor is strong in this one. I am so sorry you are having to deal with this.

Lalagirl posted 12/3/2019 06:24 AM

These people are deeply closeted around their maladapted sexual preferences and the shame is huge. They lash out when we corner them with the truth.


Be careful, Confised. He does not want anyone finding out about this and you're the one who could tell all. Like you said, he's never gone this nuts before - it could escalate. Do not be alone with him and don't let the girls be alone with him. Keep the cameras going outside of the house 24/7. If you carry, do so at all times.

I know what I say comes off as extreme, but much of the DV/murder-suicide stuff you see on TV is based on real life.

Sending you strength & hugs...


Confised1222 posted 12/3/2019 06:49 AM

He did not come home last night and I have not heard from him. I have no idea where he is. He destroyed all the security cameras so I have no way to monitor the house. I definitely will not allow him to be alone with my daughter!!
Iím so anxious and upset about everything I canít think straight. Iím really trying not to freak out about everything, but I canít afford a divorce and moving out on my own. Why do people have to lie and cheat?
What do I do now? Do I tell his family something is going on? Do I wait a few days to see if he calms down and talks? Iím so lost and I feel absolutely pathetic.

nekonamida posted 12/3/2019 07:18 AM

Can you reach out to your family and friends? Can you go stay with someone else for a few days? You can talk to his family and you should if you think they will be supportive but they might support him over you so reach out to your support network too.

Lalagirl posted 12/3/2019 07:32 AM

I would file a police report on the destruction he did to the property. It will at least be on record and you may have some ammo to file for exclusive use of the home since you are afraid that he may go further. You may also want to advise the police that he's "missing" once he's been gone for whatever time is required before a missing person's report can be filed. This is for your can't wait around for when he decides to come home.

If he does "come around," and I cannot stress this enough, do not be alone with him! Meet somewhere (or have others at the house). You may have to stay elsewhere...until you know what the hell is going on.

Talk to an attorney - many will do a low/no cost consult to advise you of your rights. Knowledge is power and you need some right now.

I wish I had better advice - I'm truly worried for your safety right now - you may want to look into some shelters "just in case."


DesertLily posted 12/3/2019 09:38 AM


You're getting excellent advice from the other posters, but I wanted to chime in. I've been right where you are now.

I know your world is falling apart around you right now, and the emotional pain is overwhelming. But now is the time to take back your power and strategize so that you and your children have a safe, secure future, no matter what your WH does.

First, absolutely file a police report on the damages from his fit of rage. You need this legally documented.

Second, find an attorney who does free consultations. Know your rights.

Third, absolutely file a missing persons report when the time elapses. Document his abandonment of the family.

I know that you said that you cannot afford to divorce. But there are ways to do it at minimal expense. Especially for abused women, and make no mistake, he is abusing you.

The fastest way to get child support and/or spousal support is to file for state services, like food stamps and Medicaid. You can do it online from the privacy of your home. Make sure that you state he has abandoned the family, and give them his work information. The state will contact his employer with a garnishment order. Your Wh won't even know until he gets his first check.

All these steps aren't irreversible. You can still R, if he admits his problem, seeks help for it, and works at becoming a safe partner.

But these steps will be in your favor, regardless of the path your future takes you on.

You can do this. Take back your power!

Hurtmyheart posted 12/3/2019 22:25 PM

Take care of yourself. Focus on you and your daughters needs...sounds like your WH has no plans to change anytime soon.

If I were in your situation, what would you suggest to me on how to handle the situation?

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