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Holding pattern (vent)

squid posted 11/23/2019 12:12 PM

In a couple weeks I'll be a year out from divorced. It's been kind of a rough year. Just still been feeling stuck. Lost my dad a month ago.

Then ohforanewme's passing was big hit.

I've been trying to get back to finding myself, reading books, etc. Part of that also includes revisiting old hobbies and finding new ones.

One of my bucketlist experiences is to renovate an old RV or 4wd van into a something I could live in full time while I fish my way across the country visiting every major US state park. Even tried to figure out a way I could bring DS along, with the possibility of homeschooling him for a year.

You know who else was into van-life? XW's AP. They even spent time together fixing up his van. You know where they had sex? In his camper van. Sometime before we were divorced I stumbled upon his blog where he chronicled his van build and some of his travels. Yup, I got to see the scene of the crime. I got to see the van and the bed inside. Talk about pain shopping. Mind movies galore still.

And part of this hobby has me watching Youtube videos on van-life and conversions. Every time I see a thumbnail of another video of "guy converts old van into amazing campervan" I seriously get triggered that it might be of the AP.

I don't know where I'm going with this. Just that I can't get my head away from the affair. Still get mind movies. I'm so ready to move on with my life but my head and even my heart won't let me. I had a dream the other night that XW already had a new BF. I'm still hardcore NC with her so I have no idea what's happening with her. But it's in my head somewhere.

I hate to drone on like this. I guess I'm waiting for the "onward and upward" mantra to fully manifest itself.

I'm going to add that it hurts my heart knowing that ohforanewme isn't going to be chiming in on this thread. I miss you, friend.

destroyed1 posted 11/23/2019 12:16 PM

I see you are still having MM. It is perfectly understandable to still have these.

Even though you have removed yourself from the poison, it still remains in your system. It will take time to process it out. The longer you are away from it, the better you will feel.

Make some new friends, not new hobbies. It will help you leave the pain behind for good.

[This message edited by destroyed1 at 12:39 PM, November 23rd (Saturday)]

WhoTheBleep posted 11/23/2019 12:23 PM

You've been heard, Squid. And I sure miss OhFor as well.

I love your camper van idea! I love the idea of taking DS with you. What an unforgettable and amazing adventure that would be for him, and for you. I say, go for it! And do something unusual with your camper that posom never would have thought of or been able to do himself. Be creative!

And what an amazing way to see this beautiful country. I joined a women's camping group a little over a year ago. I've been on many adventures with them already. I haven't been camping since I was a kid, and had no idea if I would still be into it. But I dove in anyway, and it turns out I love that time in nature. I have a little teardrop trailer that is basically a bed and kitchen on wheels. Fits in my garage next to my Honda Pilot.

Sorry you are struggling with lingering hurts. Not unusual at all I think. The important thing is that you acknowledge it and keep moving forward. Do not let it stall your progress or ruin your plans.

Keep us posted about the camper!!

[This message edited by WhoTheBleep at 12:24 PM, November 23rd (Saturday)]

Phoenix1 posted 11/23/2019 14:34 PM

I'm sorry you are still feeling a little stuck, but remember you are still relatively early. The rollercoaster is still in full force. Go easy on yourself.

The important thing is that you acknowledge it and keep moving forward. Do not let it stall your progress or ruin your plans.

I agree with Bleep. Don't let that dirtbag ruin your plans or steal your thunder! Don't give him that much mental power! Follow your dream and make fabulous new memories with DS. Try to focus on that. Your creative van ideas will be yours, as will the memories. And your DS will always cherish them, and you for creating them. The shitbag is not worth giving up your dreams.

Go forth, squid, and be creative and adventurous. Enjoy the dreams of fishing across the country with DS. It will be a magical time for you and him that no one has the power to overshadow.

Onward and upward!!!

Chili posted 11/23/2019 14:57 PM

Yeah squid - ohfor being gone has been a bigger hit for me than I could have imagined. I've really been off my feed because of it.

As I said in my little letter to him, I don't mourn that he led an unfulfilled life, but the whole thing is still just...shit.

I can understand how you feel about the campervan situation. There are several things that I needed to somehow "reclaim" as my own. Places. Music. Hobbies. They were tainted by memories of him or things that I introduced him to that he went on to "impress" her with or pass off as his own or just share with her. I had seen/heard enough to know he was using my shit for his game. Disgusting.

For a long time I said bleep it to many of those things. Didn't want anything to do with them. And then I got all self-righteous and said he/they don't own _____. They didn't invent it and certainly aren't the only ones enjoying it. And if they are, it's in a yucky, creepy, unreal way. So I decided to take it all back along the way. Bleep him.

I still work to make new memories and associations. Separate the wheat from the chaff. There's a couple of bands/performers I still have to forward past if I'm in a bit of a surly mood, but I'll get there with those too eventually. It's a process erasing all those associations that carve themselves in the back of our lizard brain.

squid posted 11/24/2019 12:28 PM


I have a little teardrop trailer that is basically a bed and kitchen on wheels. Fits in my garage next to my Honda Pilot.

That's awesome! Certainly an option if it's just me on the road.

I'm definitely not going to let anything spoil my plans. I will follow through with it all eventually. It's just so hard breaking the associations.

WhoTheBleep posted 11/24/2019 17:28 PM

It's just so hard breaking the associations.

It is. And unfortunately, the greatest cure for that is time. That dreaded four letter word. But it will pass, and you will be able to do things without thinking of that time in your life, or at least without letting the thoughts bring you down. Little by little, I'm taking back things that I couldn't hear or do since D-Day. Healthy healing, and time.

Can't wait to hear about all of your adventures, with or without DS. If he can't join you full-time, you can fly him out at different points in your journey. It's not an all-or-nothing arrangement! Have fun!

[This message edited by WhoTheBleep at 5:29 PM, November 24th (Sunday)]

Simplicity posted 11/26/2019 10:24 AM

I haven't been on much, but I was saddened when I found out about Ohfor as well. I forgot that we divorced at around the same time! I feel similar to you. I have done a lot to try to move on, picked up hobbies, rediscovered old ones, I even moved across the country. Like, you I just had a terrible dream of X last night.

Basically, I just want to say, I hear you, I feel you, and I understand.

I'm waiting for the "onward and upward" mantra to fully manifest itself.

This is where I am, too. Yes. Me too, man... Me too.

[This message edited by Simplicity at 10:25 AM, November 26th (Tuesday)]

Catwoman posted 11/27/2019 19:40 PM

Bleepy, I've been thinking about the teardrop trailer. Tell me more--I'm interested in your experiences.


Sorry, Squid, for the minor t/j. No harm meant.

WhoTheBleep posted 11/28/2019 05:58 AM

Cat, I'll PM you.

squid posted 11/28/2019 23:00 PM

Sorry, Squid, for the minor t/j. No harm meant.

Please, keep me in the loop!

WhoTheBleep posted 11/29/2019 11:09 AM

Squid, check out T@G (5 and 6ft wide's), and T@B's. I have a T@G 5 wide, a T@G Max. Bought used and saved a ton. There are a couple of custom teardrop companies right here in FL as well. Build to suit, and budget.

squid posted 11/29/2019 20:18 PM

Love it!

WhoTheBleep posted 11/29/2019 20:43 PM

Squid, I'm sending you a PM.

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