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New Beginnings :
Holding pattern (vent)

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 squid (original poster member #57624) posted at 6:12 PM on Saturday, November 23rd, 2019

In a couple weeks I'll be a year out from divorced. It's been kind of a rough year. Just still been feeling stuck. Lost my dad a month ago.

Then ohforanewme's passing was big hit.

I've been trying to get back to finding myself, reading books, etc. Part of that also includes revisiting old hobbies and finding new ones.

One of my bucketlist experiences is to renovate an old RV or 4wd van into a something I could live in full time while I fish my way across the country visiting every major US state park. Even tried to figure out a way I could bring DS along, with the possibility of homeschooling him for a year.

You know who else was into van-life? XW's AP. They even spent time together fixing up his van. You know where they had sex? In his camper van. Sometime before we were divorced I stumbled upon his blog where he chronicled his van build and some of his travels. Yup, I got to see the scene of the crime. I got to see the van and the bed inside. Talk about pain shopping. Mind movies galore still.

And part of this hobby has me watching Youtube videos on van-life and conversions. Every time I see a thumbnail of another video of "guy converts old van into amazing campervan" I seriously get triggered that it might be of the AP.

I don't know where I'm going with this. Just that I can't get my head away from the affair. Still get mind movies. I'm so ready to move on with my life but my head and even my heart won't let me. I had a dream the other night that XW already had a new BF. I'm still hardcore NC with her so I have no idea what's happening with her. But it's in my head somewhere.

I hate to drone on like this. I guess I'm waiting for the "onward and upward" mantra to fully manifest itself.

I'm going to add that it hurts my heart knowing that ohforanewme isn't going to be chiming in on this thread. I miss you, friend.

BH
D-Day 2.19.17
Divorced 12.10.18

This isn’t what any of us signed up for. But it is the hand that we have been dealt. Thus, we must play it.

posts: 2597   ·   registered: Feb. 26th, 2017   ·   location: Central Florida
id 8472105
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destroyed1 ( member #56901) posted at 6:16 PM on Saturday, November 23rd, 2019

I see you are still having MM. It is perfectly understandable to still have these.

Even though you have removed yourself from the poison, it still remains in your system. It will take time to process it out. The longer you are away from it, the better you will feel.

Make some new friends, not new hobbies. It will help you leave the pain behind for good.

[This message edited by destroyed1 at 12:39 PM, November 23rd (Saturday)]

Me - BH 51, 2 kids, married 30 yrs

The things that you want in life are impossible to achieve if your energy is flowing in the opposite direction.

posts: 1145   ·   registered: Jan. 14th, 2017   ·   location: southeast US
id 8472106
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WhoTheBleep ( member #49504) posted at 6:23 PM on Saturday, November 23rd, 2019

You've been heard, Squid. And I sure miss OhFor as well.

I love your camper van idea! I love the idea of taking DS with you. What an unforgettable and amazing adventure that would be for him, and for you. I say, go for it! And do something unusual with your camper that posom never would have thought of or been able to do himself. Be creative!

And what an amazing way to see this beautiful country. I joined a women's camping group a little over a year ago. I've been on many adventures with them already. I haven't been camping since I was a kid, and had no idea if I would still be into it. But I dove in anyway, and it turns out I love that time in nature. I have a little teardrop trailer that is basically a bed and kitchen on wheels. Fits in my garage next to my Honda Pilot.

Sorry you are struggling with lingering hurts. Not unusual at all I think. The important thing is that you acknowledge it and keep moving forward. Do not let it stall your progress or ruin your plans.

Keep us posted about the camper!!

[This message edited by WhoTheBleep at 12:24 PM, November 23rd (Saturday)]

I believe we have two lives: the one we learn with, and the one we live with after that. --The Natural

posts: 4526   ·   registered: Sep. 6th, 2015   ·   location: USA
id 8472108
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Phoenix1 ( member #38928) posted at 8:34 PM on Saturday, November 23rd, 2019

I'm sorry you are still feeling a little stuck, but remember you are still relatively early. The rollercoaster is still in full force. Go easy on yourself.

The important thing is that you acknowledge it and keep moving forward. Do not let it stall your progress or ruin your plans.

I agree with Bleep. Don't let that dirtbag ruin your plans or steal your thunder! Don't give him that much mental power! Follow your dream and make fabulous new memories with DS. Try to focus on that. Your creative van ideas will be yours, as will the memories. And your DS will always cherish them, and you for creating them. The shitbag is not worth giving up your dreams.

Go forth, squid, and be creative and adventurous. Enjoy the dreams of fishing across the country with DS. It will be a magical time for you and him that no one has the power to overshadow.

Onward and upward!!!

fBS - Me
Xhole - Multiple LTAs/2 OCs over 20+yrs
Adult Kids
Happily divorced!

You can't go back and change the beginning, but you can start where you are and change the ending. ~C.S. Lewis~

posts: 9059   ·   registered: Apr. 9th, 2013   ·   location: Land of Indifference
id 8472126
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Chili ( member #35503) posted at 8:57 PM on Saturday, November 23rd, 2019

Yeah squid - ohfor being gone has been a bigger hit for me than I could have imagined. I've really been off my feed because of it.

As I said in my little letter to him, I don't mourn that he led an unfulfilled life, but the whole thing is still just...shit.

I can understand how you feel about the campervan situation. There are several things that I needed to somehow "reclaim" as my own. Places. Music. Hobbies. They were tainted by memories of him or things that I introduced him to that he went on to "impress" her with or pass off as his own or just share with her. I had seen/heard enough to know he was using my shit for his game. Disgusting.

For a long time I said bleep it to many of those things. Didn't want anything to do with them. And then I got all self-righteous and said he/they don't own _____. They didn't invent it and certainly aren't the only ones enjoying it. And if they are, it's in a yucky, creepy, unreal way. So I decided to take it all back along the way. Bleep him.

I still work to make new memories and associations. Separate the wheat from the chaff. There's a couple of bands/performers I still have to forward past if I'm in a bit of a surly mood, but I'll get there with those too eventually. It's a process erasing all those associations that carve themselves in the back of our lizard brain.

2012 pretty much sucked.
Things no longer suck.
Took off flying solo with the co-pilot chili dog.
"Life teaches you how to live it if you live long enough" - Tony Bennett

posts: 2242   ·   registered: May. 2nd, 2012   ·   location: Reality
id 8472129
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 squid (original poster member #57624) posted at 6:28 PM on Sunday, November 24th, 2019

WhoTheBleep,

I have a little teardrop trailer that is basically a bed and kitchen on wheels. Fits in my garage next to my Honda Pilot.

That's awesome! Certainly an option if it's just me on the road.

I'm definitely not going to let anything spoil my plans. I will follow through with it all eventually. It's just so hard breaking the associations.

BH
D-Day 2.19.17
Divorced 12.10.18

This isn’t what any of us signed up for. But it is the hand that we have been dealt. Thus, we must play it.

posts: 2597   ·   registered: Feb. 26th, 2017   ·   location: Central Florida
id 8472419
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WhoTheBleep ( member #49504) posted at 11:28 PM on Sunday, November 24th, 2019

It's just so hard breaking the associations.

It is. And unfortunately, the greatest cure for that is time. That dreaded four letter word. But it will pass, and you will be able to do things without thinking of that time in your life, or at least without letting the thoughts bring you down. Little by little, I'm taking back things that I couldn't hear or do since D-Day. Healthy healing, and time.

Can't wait to hear about all of your adventures, with or without DS. If he can't join you full-time, you can fly him out at different points in your journey. It's not an all-or-nothing arrangement! Have fun!

[This message edited by WhoTheBleep at 5:29 PM, November 24th (Sunday)]

I believe we have two lives: the one we learn with, and the one we live with after that. --The Natural

posts: 4526   ·   registered: Sep. 6th, 2015   ·   location: USA
id 8472532
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Simplicity ( member #60501) posted at 4:24 PM on Tuesday, November 26th, 2019

I haven't been on much, but I was saddened when I found out about Ohfor as well. I forgot that we divorced at around the same time! I feel similar to you. I have done a lot to try to move on, picked up hobbies, rediscovered old ones, I even moved across the country. Like, you I just had a terrible dream of X last night.

Basically, I just want to say, I hear you, I feel you, and I understand.

I'm waiting for the "onward and upward" mantra to fully manifest itself.

This is where I am, too. Yes. Me too, man... Me too.

[This message edited by Simplicity at 10:25 AM, November 26th (Tuesday)]

posts: 1267   ·   registered: Sep. 5th, 2017   ·   location: USA
id 8473343
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Catwoman ( member #1330) posted at 1:40 AM on Thursday, November 28th, 2019

Bleepy, I've been thinking about the teardrop trailer. Tell me more--I'm interested in your experiences.

Cat

Sorry, Squid, for the minor t/j. No harm meant.

FBS: Married 20 years, 2 daughters 27 and 24. Divorced by the grace of GOD.
D-Days: 2/23/93; 10/11/97; 3/5/03
Ex & OW Broke up 12-10
"An erection does not count as personal growth."

posts: 33182   ·   registered: Apr. 5th, 2003   ·   location: Ohio
id 8474165
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WhoTheBleep ( member #49504) posted at 11:58 AM on Thursday, November 28th, 2019

Cat, I'll PM you.

I believe we have two lives: the one we learn with, and the one we live with after that. --The Natural

posts: 4526   ·   registered: Sep. 6th, 2015   ·   location: USA
id 8474260
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 squid (original poster member #57624) posted at 5:00 AM on Friday, November 29th, 2019

Sorry, Squid, for the minor t/j. No harm meant.

Please, keep me in the loop!

BH
D-Day 2.19.17
Divorced 12.10.18

This isn’t what any of us signed up for. But it is the hand that we have been dealt. Thus, we must play it.

posts: 2597   ·   registered: Feb. 26th, 2017   ·   location: Central Florida
id 8474534
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WhoTheBleep ( member #49504) posted at 5:09 PM on Friday, November 29th, 2019

Squid, check out T@G (5 and 6ft wide's), and T@B's. I have a T@G 5 wide, a T@G Max. Bought used and saved a ton. There are a couple of custom teardrop companies right here in FL as well. Build to suit, and budget.

I believe we have two lives: the one we learn with, and the one we live with after that. --The Natural

posts: 4526   ·   registered: Sep. 6th, 2015   ·   location: USA
id 8474691
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 squid (original poster member #57624) posted at 2:18 AM on Saturday, November 30th, 2019

Love it!

BH
D-Day 2.19.17
Divorced 12.10.18

This isn’t what any of us signed up for. But it is the hand that we have been dealt. Thus, we must play it.

posts: 2597   ·   registered: Feb. 26th, 2017   ·   location: Central Florida
id 8474938
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WhoTheBleep ( member #49504) posted at 2:43 AM on Saturday, November 30th, 2019

Squid, I'm sending you a PM.

I believe we have two lives: the one we learn with, and the one we live with after that. --The Natural

posts: 4526   ·   registered: Sep. 6th, 2015   ·   location: USA
id 8474944
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