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Something is holding me back...

Newbeginnings24 posted 11/20/2019 08:09 AM

I have previously posted within the just found out section and moved briefly to the Divorce/separation section. Both of which are still relative to me as my situation hasnít changed, however, my outlook on it all has.

Those of you who donít know I have been separated from my WH for nearly 5 months now. He left for OW and his behaviour was very erratic following our separation. So much so that people suggested drugs, brain tumour and a mid life crisis. None of which have occurred. He still continues to see the OW but appears to be in a much better place mentally. He continues to see his IC and she has identified that he has an unhealthy relationship with women and he almost needs them to validate his feelings and identity.

I continue to see my IC who is very helpful but I acknowledge that this rollercoaster is a long one. I am currently living at my parents (my choice) which is 30 minutes away from our home that is currently unoccupied and has recently sold. With this in mind here is my dilemma...

I have planned to put DD into local nursery here where my family are and to buy a property here. I have viewed one property and had a massive set back. It has completely thrown me off course. I donít know where I want to live! And what is best for me and DD. I thought living back near family would make me happy but I am unsure if this is the case. I have lived away for 10 years and have built a life there. Friends, work etc. I was conscious of the fact of staying near him and his family that this wouldnít allow me to move on and we would bump into each other. I am stronger now on this front and donít think this would bother me.

I would just like some support and guidance on what you have all done and what contributed to you moving on and being happy with the decisions you had to make.

I feel like Iím still so unsettled that I am likely to make the wrong decision. I am thinking to keep DD in childminder near old house and live with parents in the hope that I will one day know what I want.

WH has seen a house and has offered on it. Iím also worried that he will have his own place and DD will visit and love it. And we will be at my parents. Itís even questioned whether I want to sell our house now. Which is ridiculous because Iíve been so unhappy there since he left. I can afford to buy him out with the help of family but itís an expensive house to run.

HELP! 🥺
NB x

HappyTree posted 11/20/2019 08:38 AM

I can't offer advice but I can say this. I am just as lost as you as to what I want to do. For me its my career. I just don't know and I find the days, months, and at this point years, fading away. I keep on thinking that something will just come to me, but it doesn't.

What I have to do is shift my mindset. Why do I want a new career? Because I feel like then I would have more money. Do I need more money? No. Do I love my current job? Yes.

Maybe you need to accept that nothing will be an amazing option. You just need to pick out what will suck less. I do live with my parents and I plan on doing this for a long time. How do you and your DD get along with your parents? My children LOVE living with Grandma and Grandpa. I love it. But, then again, my parents moved for me so I could stay in my community (they wanted to move here, anyways). SO, its all up to you but just know that the answers may not come as easily as you want them to.

DevastatedDee posted 11/20/2019 08:43 AM

For me, I had to leave the area I lived in. I had to leave in a hurry, mind you, so I didn't get to put as much thought into it as I would like to have. I wound up in a small town about 45 minutes away from my old house (still an hour or so from my job, but I was used to that). I got lucky and found a house that was less expensive than most due to neglect of the landscaping, so I got a deal. I'm pretty content with it. I couldn't afford the house we had together on my own and even if I could have, I doubt I'd have stayed. I loved the house, but couldn't stand the memories. I had been far too happy there at one time and those were the memories that hurt, not the sad ones. I could make the sad ones better by staying, but I couldn't erase the happy ones, if that makes sense. Those were the memories that haunted me there.

For me, I needed a new environment. I didn't even want the same old gas stations. I hate going back to that town. I feel like an imposter. The woman who moved there was the happiest I had ever been. She haunts me. I don't feel like crying over my ex when I go back now. I feel like crying for that old me.

Seriously though, I can't tell you what you need to do. I'd say that if you have the luxury of time to think on it, take advantage of that. You can live in any number of places. You can make it fun. House hunting is exciting. The buying process is stressful, but the search is a blast.

EvenKeel posted 11/20/2019 08:45 AM

You are going through much transition now. Please give yourself lots of time to work through it.

Iím also worried that he will have his own place and DD will visit and love it
. I hope she does. You want DD to be happy when she goes to visit him. BUT, do not feel pressured by whatever your ex is up to. Meaning, where ever you are (house, your parents house, etc) is 'home' to your DD. Don't get all hung up over the structure of that. Whatever your ex's place looks like will never compare to your DD being with you.

Since you are not sure where you want to live, do you have to buy right now? How about renting a place in the area you think is best and give it time to see?

Also keep in mind, what will your custody look like? When your DD is in school, you will be running back and forth to events when your DD with with her father. Sometimes if you live in the same school district, this helps tremendously. Really consider long term what works. AND remember you will blink and your DD will be off to University....Really. So you can always sell and move again if needed.

MamaDragon posted 11/20/2019 08:53 AM

I would recommend taking your time to figure out what you want - you are currently with your parents who love and support you & your child. Your child will have fond memories of living with your parents, she will remember the love, warmth and how there is no upheaval at their house.

You have time to heal yourself and then make a decision. the worse thing you can do is rush and make a choice just because you are afraid your X will be happier. He won't. He is into instant gratification, and when the shiny wears off, he will be miserable and onto the next better thing (when the next better thing is NOT all that).

Take your time, when you find where you want to live - you will know. It will make your heart sing and take your breath away.

Pass posted 11/20/2019 09:29 AM

I thought living back near family would make me happy but I am unsure if this is the case. I have lived away for 10 years and have built a life there. Friends, work etc. I was conscious of the fact of staying near him and his family that this wouldnít allow me to move on and we would bump into each other. I am stronger now on this front and donít think this would bother me.

I had lived with my ex in this city of almost a million people for almost 20 years when I left her. It's about a two-hour drive from where I grew up.

When I announced the separation, my parents asked if I would be staying in my city. I said, "The place where my kids and all my clients are? Yep."

However, I did move to the other end of the city from the small country suburb where I'd lived with her. She is a severe narcissist, so I knew that she was spinning her own story to all neighbours, friends, her family. She had isolated me so much during our marriage that most of my friends were her friends, and they would pick her side once she applied her spin.

Since moving to this end of the city (within a reasonable commute of downtown) in 2013, I've rebuilt my life. I have my kids half time, so that part was easy, but I built up the friends, and I eventually fell in love. I've run into people who know me from my marriage twice, and I'm totally cool with it not being any more than that.

Since you already have friends and work there, I'd recommend not making any drastic changes. You're accustomed to having your friends around for support, and probably accustomed to the email, phone, and occasional visits to family.

Turf him and his family. That's enough change for now!


Edited to add: I saw moving across the city as a third option of the two that you're presenting yourself with. Being far away from her, but maintaining some of my situation helped me.

[This message edited by Pass at 10:04 AM, November 20th, 2019 (Wednesday)]

Newbeginnings24 posted 11/20/2019 13:14 PM

HappyTree - I think we do end up searching for answers that arenít available to us anymore. Weíre put into blind panics about things that are almost impossible to conquer youíve been blindsided. Being happy in your job means a lot and possibly more than money can buy. I get on well with my parents and they are very supportive. Theyíre a bit more pull yourself together and get on with it type of people, were I am more sensitive and like to analyse things and plan ahead. My mum was in a similar situation to me when my father cheated and she asked him to leave when I was 6 months old. However she reports that she did not love him, so although she has experienced it she hasnít been blindsided before. The more we chat about my feelings the more open she is and supportive. My DD loves being here and has settled right in. She continues to ask about our Ďold houseí which Iím sure will pass in time. I just want to be happy again and I feel like I deserve this.

DevastatedDee - I do have the luxury of staying with my parents for as long as I need and as a family my mum has lived with her sister before and my new dads parents. So house sharing is in the family. My mum told me this morning that maybe I need to give myself more time and to not rush into something. She said she will support me in whatever decision I make. Even if I end up back with WH. She just wants me to be happy. I had a period a couple of weeks ago were I didnít want to be driving on the same streets as my old life, never mind living there. So I completely understand how you feel there. But this feeling seems to have lessoned. But I am conscious of the fact that I may be having these feelings due to selling my house and my heart wanting to cling onto my old life, but for the wrong reasons. I donít miss my WH anymore I just miss the security and happiness I had.

Evenkeel - I donít need to buy anywhere yet or for the foreseeable future. Renting is always an option but I didnít really want to move and move again due to the disruption this may cause DD. But if it makes me end up where I am happy then it would be worth it. WH is happy for me to do what I want and will support me in my decision. Being closer to him and the school we planned to send DD to is something to seriously consider. I just donít want to end up in a couple of years time being single and heís moved on and Iím in the same village taking DD to school and working on a constant cycle. At least being further away I can be immune to that almost. I have more keeping me there than he has. He only has family, which he isnít close to but thinks he is. I have more friends and work in the same area. He works an hour away and travels a lot.

Mamadragon- he appears to be in instant gratification now. He told me that his counsellor has suggested he has unhealthy relationships with women and he needs them to validate his feelings and complete his identity. He has for the first time acknowledged that he needs to work on himself. But I am sad to think that he is doing this for the sake of the OW. He still loves me and all that bull. We got together too young and he canít commit. He has shacked up with OW but still finds other women attractive. So heís basically admitting that heís thinking of being unfaithful to her too! I gave him way too many words there. My happiness, taking time to heal, figuring out what I want and building a new life will come in time. I donít need to bust a gut doing it now and making the wrong choices. I canít wait for my heart to sing and my breath to be taken away by my new future.

Pass - turfing WH and his family out is enough to be dealing with. Along with the loss of my home and a life that I thought was forever. But there is no time to dwell on that as it will only send my mind into orbit and wonít help anyone. Itís positive to know that you have built a new life and met new friends. And wherever I live the people who matter will travel to help me when I need them.

Iím so used to having everything planned out and this traumatic event is definitely going to teach me a lot. My WH told me to let my guard down at times to allow people in. I take what he says with a pinch. My guard was nonexistent with him and look what happened?! Thereís a difference with having a guard and not throwing yourself all over your WH. When we have a small child and both work. He didnít show me any attention and I didnít need to search for it elsewhere!

ThisIsSoLonely posted 11/23/2019 01:27 AM

I doubt I'd have stayed. I loved the house, but couldn't stand the memories. I had been far too happy there at one time and those were the memories that hurt, not the sad ones. I could make the sad ones better by staying, but I couldn't erase the happy ones, if that makes sense. Those were the memories that haunted me there.

For me, I needed a new environment. I didn't even want the same old gas stations. I hate going back to that town. I feel like an imposter. The woman who moved there was the happiest I had ever been. She haunts me. I don't feel like crying over my ex when I go back now. I feel like crying for that old me.

I could have written this myself DD. It's funny because I know so many people get hung up in the "the affair happened here so I hate this place" mindset, but for me...although I'm pretty sure they had sex on my couches (they were mine before we got together) that is just annoying to me. What hurts me are the good memories - the "this was where we used to lie next to each other and watch movies" memories, or "this is the room where we had sex for the first time, on the floor when he had just bought the place and there was nothing in it but an old chair, and we were first dating." Even the fucking airport here hurts as in the beginning we were long distance so we had so many extended hugs goodbye curbside...

I know where I leave here next year, barring some crazy circumstance that I cannot foresee, I will never come back to this place. I came here only to be with him - everything here IS him. For me the good memories are the killers.

homewrecked2011 posted 11/23/2019 01:57 AM

Hereís what happened to me: I stayed in the city where my kids have been all their lives- 800 miles from my family, bc I wanted my kids to grow up near their father. Well, xwh stopped attending anything!!! It hurt my sons a lot. Especially when heís 5 miles away!!! But he and OW are very selfish people. In the meantime my parents got older. My mom was very ill, but xh wouldnít get the kids, taken them to school, etc.

If I had it to do again, I would have moved back to my hometown with family, good role models for my kids, family to attend their activities, campouts, etc. (I have good friends here, but I cannot expect their husbands to give up every weekend to be a Dad to my kids.) Maybe stay with your parents for a year b4 making a permanent decision.

[This message edited by homewrecked2011 at 1:59 AM, November 23rd (Saturday)]

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