Darkness Falls posted 11/7/2019 16:48 PM

....felt entitled to reconciliation with your BS, or expected them to reconcile with you?

Many if not most of the threads about revenge affairs over my 9 1/2 years on SI have seemed to contain at least one BS who states that it’s odd that a WS would disagree with an RA or be unable to reconcile with their BS-turned-WS because they themselves (the original WS) feel entitled to, have an expectation of, or make a demand for, reconciliation after their own cheating.

In the aforementioned 9 1/2 years, I’ve never come across one such WS. Do any of y’all actually feel that way? That your BS “owes” you R?

[This message edited by Darkness Falls at 4:49 PM, November 7th (Thursday)]

HeartBreaker11 posted 11/7/2019 16:57 PM

I wanted to try to R after my affair, but I was well aware of the fact that it was something entirely up to my BS and what he wanted to do.

I didn't demand R, I didn't expect R.

I was surprised quite frankly that BS was even willing to attempt R somewhat with me. I was pretty convinced that he would leave me the day he found out.

When we did divorce, I was not surprised.

HellFire posted 11/7/2019 17:07 PM

Well, I can think of 3 waywards that posted here, who obviously felt entitltled to reconciliation.

Gonnabe2016's husband..

Takenforgranted's husband

And VioletElle. She will probably say she doesn't, but all of her posts reek of entitlement.

gmc94 posted 11/7/2019 17:30 PM

I can only speak to my own experience as a BS, but for me, even asking for R after dday has the scent of entitlement.
I know this is overly simplistic and doesn't address the emotional nature of a M/romantic partnership, but if you drove over someone in your car, would you then ask for directions while they were bleeding out? When you fire someone, do you then ask them to work late their last day to finish the TPS reports? Only a person who felt completely entitled could even dream of asking such things in those circumstances.

My WH would probably vehemently disagree, but I do believe he felt I owed him R - at least until he tried to kill himself (and if I really think about it, even that didn't change very quickly after he was discharged from hospital - and there are times today I think he feels he "deserves" R).

To a BS, a WS's post dday shame can come across as pure entitlement. If the BS senses a WS feels that entitlement (in relation to R or anything else), it's absolutely "real" to the BS (and I would posit that it may be a BS reflecting the WS not "getting it" or showing any humility - a very common issue in the weeks/months/years after dday).

And I can think of a recent SI example of a WS whose posts indicated he felt he was "owed" R - the WH of Scooby Doo who was later caught by police with a crossbow heading towards his BW.

ETA - and looks like HellFire had a couple I hadn't thought of (tho VE did come to mind).

[This message edited by gmc94 at 5:32 PM, November 7th, 2019 (Thursday)]

FoenixRising posted 11/7/2019 20:18 PM

I certainly did not expect or even want R after recovering. I only knew that if I moved out, I’d never go back.

I feel very fortunate to have another chance and view it as a gift.

Thanksgiving2016 posted 11/7/2019 20:54 PM

My husband was shocked I was willing to attempt reconciliation.

BraveSirRobin posted 11/7/2019 21:09 PM

When I packed my bag to go see my BF and tell him I had slept with OM, I deliberately organized the suitcase so that all the next morning's necessities were right on top. I figured that would limit the time that BF had to wait for me to get my shit together before he put my cheating ass on the train back home.

When he instead started crying and initiated HB, I was absolutely floored.

66charger posted 11/7/2019 21:31 PM

Any WS who lied, ommitted, gaslighted, blameshifted or engaged in any sort of pining while in a R, is guilty of entitlement.

You thought you could lie and the BS would accept it.
You thought you could blameshift and the BS would accept it.
You thought you could secretly pine for your AP FOR MONTHS and the BS was stupid enough to accept it.

How many have told the complete truth on DDay? Not many. That is why you thought it was best to protect your own ass instead of complete disclosure.

If you color it that way, "entitlement" includes most of you.

[This message edited by 66charger at 9:37 PM, November 7th (Thursday)]

BraveSirRobin posted 11/7/2019 21:36 PM

Any WS who lied, ommitted, gaslighted, blameshifted or engaged in any sort of pining while in a R, is guilty of entitlement.

66charger posted 11/7/2019 21:51 PM

My apologies Darkness. You asked for a WS point of view. I will edit it out if you wish.

Darkness Falls posted 11/7/2019 21:58 PM

No, there is no need to edit it. I appreciate your perspective.

I agree that all of us were entitled during the affair—I believe affairs do not happen without a rather large amount of entitlement on the part of the WS, actually. My question, though, was limited specifically to feeling entitled to reconcile as opposed to entitled to the affair—I think those are different things.

Darkness Falls posted 11/7/2019 22:03 PM

The whole point of illicit affairs is to keep them hidden because we know the spouse wouldn’t accept the behavior—otherwise we would be up front about our intentions. That being the case, it seems illogical that a.) we KNOW the spouse wouldn’t accept an extramarital liasion before having it, but simultaneously b.) we expect that they will accept it AFTER the truth comes to light.

hikingout posted 11/7/2019 22:52 PM

Honestly, I have no idea where my head was at first.

I went to him and confessed on my own in hope that if there was any saving us that would be the place to start. I remember just being more terrified than I have ever been in my life. That night is a blur. I don’t know that I expected or felt entitled to R, but I did hope that we could try. The further into therapy, reading this site, the more I realized I had no control over the outcome and the more I recognized the gift that was being extended. And the more I understood the damage. But no I can’t say my thoughts around it had any level of sophistication on the subject and my head was planted pretty firmly up my ass at the time. It’s amazing that I confessed under the mentality that I had.

But in general the reason you are asking is because that there are times that people use the ws status to dismiss what we are saying, The thread you are referencing did that several times. Its frustrating when a ws says don’t cheat that somehow gets twisted to be wayward thinking. But nothing you can do.

wantstorepair posted 11/8/2019 05:40 AM

BS absolutely does not owe me R. I have certainly acted with selfish entitlement though and thought that R would happen without me fundamentally changing; like simply stopping the affairs was enough. It isn’t and to expect or demand R from the one you hurt and betrayed is absurd. My BS is trying, but it is on me to do the work and she owes me nothing after all I have done.

MrsWalloped posted 11/8/2019 05:41 AM

No. I totally expected my BH divorce me.

After DDay, he moved out for a bit and I thought for sure he was divorcing me, and then he came back and that gave me hope (not expectations), but he moved into the guest room we have in our basement and we didn’t have sex for half a year. I thought during that time that any day he’d just hand me divorce papers. Even after we were working at R and doing well (I thought) we seriously discussed getting divorced a few years later.

When I first started posting here on SI someone asked me why I chose this name and I explained my thinking was that I was grateful that I was still his Mrs. (I had no idea that so many people knew his user name, if I did I never would have chosen it). I look at R as a gift he’s given me and it’s my job to show him that it wasn’t a gift given in vain.

At this stage of our lives and R, I don’t have any expectations that R is a given as much as it’s become a fully integrated part of our lives. We have a new M that we work on and create together. If he feels it’s not working and D is an option, which it always is, we agree to talk about it and see what we can do about it. What I mean is that it can still happen but in that case our approach to our M and D will be very different then it would have been right after DDay.

Anyway, that was a very long answer to say, No. Sorry!

Lostgirl410 posted 11/8/2019 06:41 AM

No. Not even a little. I expected divorce. I wanted divorce. The paperwork was all drawn up on my side before the affair, I just didn't have the balls to file. I was a coward.

I had a 3 bedroom apartment lined up, had done financial planning/budget work to make sure he wouldn't be responsible for anything but half the cost of care for the children, and I would still be able to afford to eat.

The thought of R had never crossed my mind as an option. I was shocked, and extremely
humbled by the fact that he wanted to try.

Maia posted 11/8/2019 06:48 AM

My plan was to break up with both of them and be alone. I had zero expectation or hope my bs would R. That he would love me like he did was unfathomable and I'm forever grateful now.

At the time I really wanted to be alone.

Darkness Falls posted 11/8/2019 07:00 AM

gmc94, I can see how in a way even asking for R shows entitlement. With the perspective of so many years since my affair and doing a hell of a lot more growing up, I can see how, to an extent, every affair is somewhat of an exit affair, even if the WS doesn’t realize it or consciously intend for it to be. We are not stupid; we know affairs kill marriages. It is counterintuitive to deliberately do something that we know kills the marriage and then to ask for a chance to save the marriage. I can see how a BS would get the impression that all the WS really wants is to have things both ways.

I do still think that’s very different than expecting, demanding, or thinking the BS “owes” it to us, though.

[This message edited by Darkness Falls at 7:13 AM, November 8th (Friday)]

MrsWalloped posted 11/8/2019 07:22 AM

gmc94, I can see how in a way even asking for R shows entitlement.

I can see how a BS would get the impression that all the WS really wants is to have things both ways.

After DDay my BH asked me what I wanted and I told him I wanted another chance and I hoped he would give me one. I also told him that I didn’t deserve that chance. He asked me if he should divorce me and I said he should divorce me and that if the situation was reversed I probably would (I know, I know) but I hoped that he wouldn’t.

In my head I expected D, but in my heart I was dying for R. But I can see how from my BH’s view it would look like I was being entitled. Like by saying I hoped he wouldn’t divorce me and that I wanted another chance it was somehow minimizing what I did. Like it wasn’t a serious enough offense. Which is of course not true and it’s why I said he should divorce me, but I can see why if he was really trying to get at my thinking he could have come away with that impression.

Thank you DF.

sickofsurviving posted 11/8/2019 07:28 AM

My cheater absolutely felt entitled to R.

He said he thought I would be mad, then feel sorry for HIM because its so fucked up to commit incest.

Yep. Definitely the entitled victim.