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20years since DD and I have yet to bring him peace...

Pages: 1 · 2 · 3 · 4 · 5

SelfishCheater posted 10/29/2019 17:46 PM

Removing for personal reasons

[This message edited by SelfishCheater at 1:09 PM, November 6th (Wednesday)]

KingRat posted 10/29/2019 17:54 PM

Exactly. This IS his decision. He needs to own it. No more feeling sorry for himself and blaming others. I suggest you request that this matter be further discussed through an attorney and tell him you need to start acting in your own best interest since he acting in his. If he starts this “look what you’re making me do” shit, politely remind him you’re not able to do anything. Actions have consequences. Stay strong and know you’re going to be ok. Power to you!

nekonamida posted 10/29/2019 18:16 PM

SC, you're handling this beautifully. Keep a strong resolve and don't let him waffle at the last minute. He doesn't get to pull the divorce card to silence you whenever convenient. You will move on and find happiness without him. You do not need to be dragged down with his sinking ship.

SelfishCheater posted 10/29/2019 18:23 PM

Removing for personal reasons

[This message edited by SelfishCheater at 1:10 PM, November 6th (Wednesday)]

landclark posted 10/29/2019 20:11 PM

You’re awesome. Good for you for taking back your control. Maybe he will come to his senses and realize he needs to get some help. If not, you’ve done more than enough and can stand proud.

Justsomelady posted 10/29/2019 20:34 PM

He is a sexual predator, truly. you were underage and he should have dropped it when he learned the truth. You were a kid. That is such a sad story to read but i am happy you are divorcing. You have never been truly free of his influence, never grew up and self actualized without his control. He manipulated you with his “pain” aka obsession with your virginity. I wish you well. Please follow through and leave this unhealthy dynamic behind.

Thanksgiving2016 posted 10/29/2019 20:45 PM

Please be careful. His control over his world and you is over and he could become dangerous.

nekonamida posted 10/29/2019 22:13 PM

Listen to Thanksgiving's warning. Hopefully he doesn't try to force or intimidate you once he realizes he's lost control but it happened to Scooby and sadly, she's now fighting for her life because of her WH. If he gets threatening, make smart choices and don't be afraid to call the police.

SelfishCheater posted 10/30/2019 01:26 AM

Removing for personal reasons

[This message edited by SelfishCheater at 1:11 PM, November 6th (Wednesday)]

BraveSirRobin posted 10/30/2019 02:20 AM

I disagree completely.

I'm not surprised to see you coming back on to say you were wrong, because that was a pretty sudden reversal after 20 years of being manipulated to see your H's problems as all your fault. He's very good at making you see things that way; he has decades of practice. But you weren't wrong earlier today. He is not owning his shit and has no intention of changing that.

I speak with some authority here as a person who is even further out from infidelity than you. By my calculations, you were in nursery school when I cheated on my BF. The problem in our case was that I lied and manipulated him instead of coming fully clean. We did about six months of processing, and then I said that we had to decide if we were in it for the long haul, because I was graduating from college and had no interest in moving to his city if we weren't going to get married. So, we rugswept and got engaged. I understand taking responsibility for delayed healing, and also how it can all be made new again by TT.

BUT. My BH also has taken responsibility for his healing. He hasn't used my infidelity to beat all sense of self-worth out of me. On the contrary, D-Day 2 was a direct outgrowth of him looking at himself and saying, "My insecurities can't continue, and I need to figure out why I haven't moved on from them." Your H is telling you, "Here are the divorce papers if you have the nerve to say we need to work lovingly together on my issues and our marriage." That's bullshit. I mean it is chills-down-my-fucking-spine bullshit. This man has controlled you since you were little more than a child.

This is a forum of people who understand the massive destructive power of infidelity, and yet you have BS here telling you in chorus that when they look at you, they see a victim of abuse. Unless you were flat out lying about the details you gave us, you aren't a deluded wayward. You seem to me to have Stockholm syndrome.

Read this thread again. Read it over and over. It's not your fault. It's not your fault. It's not your fault.

still-living posted 10/30/2019 03:49 AM

Fooling yourself into believing this is all your fault, is fooling yourself that you are in total control and can fix this. I disagree. Like others, I believe your husband is the person needing to perform the most work. SC, you were a high-schooler at the time, still growing, immature, and your husband knew about your history going into the marriage. For you, I recommend that you read the book codependent no more.

Justsomelady posted 10/30/2019 04:57 AM

Please seek therapy. You are not a WW, you are a victim of abuse - most recently the emotional kind. I agree w above comment likening it to stokholm syndrome. The more distance you put between yourself and your controlling husband, the better.

Darkness Falls posted 10/30/2019 07:11 AM


[This message edited by Darkness Falls at 7:12 AM, October 30th (Wednesday)]

Darkness Falls posted 10/30/2019 07:12 AM

SC, that’s our point—there was nothing to gaslight about, because you didn’t do anything wrong in the first place. Regardless of what he has convinced you of, no 14-year-old is in a committed relationship with a 20-year-old she only knows from the internet. That’s not even a relationship at all, let alone a serious or committed one.

nekonamida posted 10/30/2019 07:21 AM

Even if it's a serious relationship, he broke up with you. He went on to date someone else. He is JUST AS guilty as you are. It's ridiculous that he wanted you to stay single while he dated this other woman. In fact, THAT mentality is more aligned with a cheater's than anything you did.

SC, I can guarantee you that if everything went perfectly and you lost his virginity to him, he would have some other big issue to gripe about. I know because I dated someone like that years ago who would make up things to be upset about and cause the very issues he would hold against me. He's taking out his anger and pain on you when it's really about himself. He needs to have something against you to justify it so he twists this situation into something it's not. HE has made himself out to be a victim when he's not. Not you. You are being victimized by him and you don't need to twist anything for that to be true and apparent to all of us.

So what is he doing with the divorce papers? Is he ignoring them or is he filling them out like he said he would many times over?

NoMoreRugSweepin posted 10/30/2019 10:31 AM

All Waywards are considered abusers here. You are not a wayward. You had sex with someone else while broken up with him and he dated someone else. You are so far from a cheater. He has 0 right to blame you for all of his problems. He is never going to be able to stand on his own if you coddle all of his bullshit all of the time.

There is a difference between supporting someone with depression and enabling them. You enable his depression to continue to go untreated all this time by taking blame for everything. If you only did x, y, or z maybe he wouldn't have gotten so upset is being in the cycle of abuse and he just flipped it all back onto you like I bet he always does.

SelfishCheater posted 10/30/2019 10:52 AM

Removing for personal reasons

[This message edited by SelfishCheater at 1:11 PM, November 6th (Wednesday)]

SelfishCheater posted 10/30/2019 11:11 AM

Removing for personal reasons

[This message edited by SelfishCheater at 1:12 PM, November 6th (Wednesday)]

nekonamida posted 10/30/2019 11:16 AM

This is where everyone is missing the point and again doing a disservice to the pain of all BS...

SC, PLEASE do not speak on behalf of the betrayeds here. I am a betrayed and many others in this thread are BSes telling you that you are not a WW and your husband is not a BS. We can speak for ourselves, thank you very much. And we do not need to be chastised for not being sympathetic to your husband. Sorry but he does not deserve our sympathy for falsely claiming himself as a victim.

Look, it's obvious to us what is happening. If you refuse to accept that your husband is manipulating and abusing you, then you will be living in misery and strife with him until one of you finally gives up. No one here can help you to help him. He needs to help himself. If you will not take our advice to work on yourself and scrutinize his questionable actions then there is nothing more that we can do for you.

landclark posted 10/30/2019 11:20 AM

I am a BS, and honestly, I feel like you're somehow punking us at this point. It happened, you broke up, he KNEW what happened, KNEW you lost your virginity, KNEW you said something stupid to him, he took you back KNOWING all of this, HE was the adult, and now 20 years later is still playing the betrayed victim? No. Sorry, but no.

This is where everyone is missing the point and again doing a disservice to the pain of all BS...

No, you and your husband are doing the disservice here.

Honestly, you both need therapy. This is in no way a healthy relationship.

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