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20years since DD and I have yet to bring him peace...

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SelfishCheater posted 10/28/2019 21:35 PM

Removing for personal reasons

[This message edited by SelfishCheater at 1:03 PM, November 6th (Wednesday)]

Thanksgiving2016 posted 10/28/2019 21:52 PM

I’m sorry but based on this he is not a betrayed spouse. You were high school kids. It doesn’t sound like you’re relationship was ever healthy. You need counseling. Please find some to help yourself. Edited to add I don’t say this lightly your spouse sounds abusive. He needs serious counseling too.

[This message edited by Thanksgiving2016 at 9:55 PM, October 28th (Monday)]

Thissucks5678 posted 10/28/2019 22:09 PM

I’m a BS - and older than you. In 1998 I was just starting to drive if I remember right. If you cheated on your online boyfriend back in high school, and have been faithful ever since, I would not hold that against you. You were barely a teenager and your spouse has 6 years on you and was too old for you from the start. I would be so sad for my daughter if this was her first relationship and she was having this held against her for 20 years.

Have you had IC? I see you don’t have children. Even so, if your future child approached you with this situation, what advice would you give him/her? Would you still expect them to be paying for the “sins” they committed in possibly middle school or their freshman year of high school with someone 19/20 years old?

I truly hope if you haven’t had IC, you seek it out. I would be devasted to learn that my daughter was in your shoes. I agree with Thanksgiving that your spouse sounds abusive.

SelfishCheater posted 10/29/2019 07:09 AM

Removing for personal reasons

[This message edited by SelfishCheater at 1:03 PM, November 6th (Wednesday)]

BraveSirRobin posted 10/29/2019 07:44 AM

Just to clarify, he knew about the infidelities and the "stud" when you reunited IRL, correct? And he also saw other people while you were apart? He had the full truth and decided to marry you anyway?

I can't say if he is deliberately abusive, but I can say that it is way, way past time that he took responsibility for his own healing. It's not healthy for either of you if he's stuck in a permanent state of holding this over your head. He needs to figure out why he still sees himself only through the lens of what you did as a young teenager.

Hugs to you. Keep posting.

SelfishCheater posted 10/29/2019 07:49 AM

Removing for personal reasons

[This message edited by SelfishCheater at 1:04 PM, November 6th (Wednesday)]

SelfishCheater posted 10/29/2019 07:55 AM

Removing for personal reasons

[This message edited by SelfishCheater at 1:04 PM, November 6th (Wednesday)]

DoinBettr posted 10/29/2019 09:08 AM

Thanksgiving2016 - WTF? Where did you get that from?

Selfishcheater - You were a kid back then. You have changed and grown a lot. He knew your past when he met you IRL and decided to pursue you. He married you still afterward. Is he a little bitter, yeah. Have you made it up to him? Probably or he wouldn't have stayed with you.
Your BS sounds a bit like someone who is codependent and needs to step beyond his victim mentality. He has past abuse hinted at by you which he hides behind instead of pushing through. You are not his main source of abuse. I also think there is something not quite right with you.
Why would your relationship prior to your husband be carried for 20 years?
Why is it when other people give you advice to let go of the pain you hold on tighter?
Those are some important questions to ask yourself.
FYI - Your whys as a teenager were probably just that you were selfish and wanted to explore your sexuality. You didn't consider the future. That is how kids think. If you have a child, when they get to be a teenager, you will see that something as stupid as a loud sneeze in class ends the world as they know it for a month.
Find your strength as you mentioned and you as a married couple should become stronger, not hold each other down together.

strugglebus posted 10/29/2019 09:35 AM

It sounds like he has placed a LOT of value on your virginity. You were broken up when you had sex with someone else. And he is referring to sex with you post the loss of your virginity as “leftovers”, that raises some red flags. Especially if he still brings this up today as a 40 year old man.

He has to heal himself, you can’t do it. No one can heal another person. Him seeking out IC for his issues would be a good start.

hikingout posted 10/29/2019 09:43 AM

I was getting ready to say what strugglebus just said. It sounds like to me that he is possessive and wants to own everything about you because he has deep insecurities. You can't dig for whys as an adult because it would be so hard to put yourself in a teenager mindset. The why is pretty much - you were emotionally immature at that time.

I agree with Thanksgiving, he is emotionally abusing you. It might very well be because he is stuck in a victim mindset but because he can't find a way to get past this, he is holding you in shame and devaluing you because you weren't a virgin when you married. Your husband and you both need professional help to move forward.

SelfishCheater posted 10/29/2019 09:59 AM

Removing for personal reasons

[This message edited by SelfishCheater at 1:05 PM, November 6th (Wednesday)]

hikingout posted 10/29/2019 10:27 AM

This is 100% true. He has always believed and repeatedly stated if I had atleast given him my virginity then this might have helped save us. I did not know nor understand the enormity of this gift until after I threw it away.

But, here is the thing...you can't undo what has happened. Were you his first? I highly doubt it. Why is he holding you to another standard? I don't see how you can move forward with your Husband who refuses to heal. Even those of us who had an active affair in the marriage as adults - we can do everything in our power to move forward and change and grow, but we can not heal our spouse. We can provide an environment in which they can heal, but it's their own choosing to get in the driver seat and do the other things they need to get there.

Your H has instead chosen to keep you in continuous contrition and shame your entire relationship. Because that dynamic was always there, and his narrative works for him in keeping you beholden to him he has no reason to try to break any cycles or get introspective that he likely has his own problems that have nothing to do with you. He needs therapy. You can not fix him, and it's time you release that burden from yourself.

Darkness Falls posted 10/29/2019 10:46 AM

Please try to start believing that you’re better than this nonsense.

First of all, you weren’t a cheater. Second of all, you did not owe your now-H your virginity. Third of all, that any of this is still relevant after 20 years—and has poisoned your relationship this entire time—is sad.

If you’re not seeing an IC, I suggest that you do.

KingRat posted 10/29/2019 10:48 AM

You were a 14 year-old girl and he was a 20 year-old man (did I do the math correctly?). Notwithstanding the the fact that it is a felony for a 20 year-old man to have sexual relations with a 14 year-old girl, you don't owe him your virginity because it was not his to take in the first place. He should be lucky he isn't in prison. I'm sorry, but you don't need to solve his problems for him. This is not healthy. Please release yourself from this burden. This is not fair that he has put this on you.

EllieKMAS posted 10/29/2019 11:25 AM

You were 14 in '99 correct?? You weren't married to your H, you weren't even in a relationship with him when you were seeing other people, nor when you lost your V card. And it would have been a punishable felony for him to take it anyways. As for your why's..... ummmmm, you were a child. There was no adult thinking going on. You made a pretty typical mistake that a majority of teenage girls do. Hands up for all of us ladies that lost their vcard to a crap guy... (I'm raising my hand).

I'm sorry, but how was/is this even loosely definable as cheating? I think the "missing piece" is that your H sounds pretty screwed up IMHO to be holding this against you for the last 20 years. Sounds to me like he has some pretty deep-seated insecurities that have nothing to do with you, and thusly are not yours to "heal".

20years since DD and I have yet to bring him peace...

You don't owe him peace. You didn't really do anything wrong that I can see.

landclark posted 10/29/2019 11:28 AM

Simply put, he needs therapy. There seems to be a lot more to this issue than your virginity, or 14 year old "cheating" (to even expect a 14 year old to be in a serious online relationship is honestly just dumb). Also, he was way too old for you, so he needs to question why as a 20 year old man, he sought out a relationship with a young teenager. Nowadays, that's illegal I think almost everyplace.

Are there some FOO issues there? Or childhood trauma? It sounds like his emotional relationship maturity is that of a teenager, and he hasn't had to grow up because you and life have allowed it.

I don't see him as a betrayed spouse. He may play that card, but it doesn't make it true. You also don't deserve to be beaten up for the rest of your life for something that happened when you were 14/15 years old AND broken up.

Also NO MAN DESERVES OUR VIRGINITY! That is ours alone to give as we see fit. I'm willing to bet a lot of us question our choice of who we gave it too, but it certainly wasn't your husbands to have.

beenthereinco posted 10/29/2019 11:38 AM

Your husband has some serious issues I'm afraid. He needs to see a counselor. I'm not going to get into the facts as others have stated that you were just 14/15 when this happened but that is very important. A 6 year difference in age is no big deal now but the difference between 14 and 20 is massive and really it is a wonder that To Catch A Predator wasn't at his door back in 1998. Are you sure that you were the only young girl he was talking to back then? I bet you were not.

Beyond that I think he has some serious issues with self-confidence and self-worth to be so worried about someone else you went out with when you were 15 years old! This is not a healthy thing for you. You shouldn't be paying for this for 20 years. Hell I don't even think you made a mistake. You say you were broken up when that happened. So?

As far as the other guys go, Let's go back to point 1. You were 14! I was a hormonal mess at 14. I couldn't have been faithful to a Long Distance GF to save my mother's life. To continue to talk about it to this day with someone is abuse in my opinion.

crazyblindsided posted 10/29/2019 11:46 AM

NO MAN DESERVES OUR VIRGINITY! That is ours alone to give as we see fit.

^^^ This. You were so young and not married. That time is a time of pushing boundaries and life. You were still a teenager finding your way in this world.

Your H seems fixated on this virginity aspect almost obsessively if it's been for 20 years. If your actions since you've been married are consistent I believe it is time for him to lay this to rest.

I would suggest a good IC and someone to help with intrusive thoughts and depression. I need to be on medication to control mine.

[This message edited by crazyblindsided at 12:30 PM, October 29th (Tuesday)]

SelfishCheater posted 10/29/2019 12:19 PM

Removing for personal reasons

[This message edited by SelfishCheater at 1:05 PM, November 6th (Wednesday)]

nekonamida posted 10/29/2019 12:22 PM

SC, please DO NOT call him a BS. He isn't one. He hasn't earned the title. It doesn't matter how he feels about something you did while not even his girlfriend 20+ years ago. He doesn't get to claim a victim hood that was so terribly thrust upon US, the real betrayed of SI, just because he feels he deserves it when your situation wasn't infidelity and worse yet, is very creepy on his part.

He's an incredible human being and this world deserves him. He just needs to heal by focusing on the real issues and not distractions.

NOPE. There is not a single man in this world who is both incredible and believes he's entitled to a 14-year-old child's virginity at 20-years-old. That is illegal in most places globally for good reason. I'm sure he's done many good things but good things don't make up for being a creep, a predator, and believing it's okay to hold your spouse accountable for your own demons for 20+ years. NO ONE can be that great if they do what he does.

SC, you need IC. You need to take the rose tinted glasses off and realize that most people would not entertain this treatment for one minute that he's conditioned you to accept and still sing his praises. Please Google "Why Does He Do That" by Lundy Bancroft and pick up a copy. Telling YOU that something you did 20+ years ago, something that would have landed him in jail if he had done what you wanted, against you and telling you it would have saved your marriage is a form of control and considered a form of emotional abuse. It's a way to keep you unstable and constantly at his mercy, constantly scrambling to please HIM, exhausted from the arguments, the shame, and his moods, and keep you firmly in your place as beneath him.

YOU DO NOT HAVE TO LIVE THIS WAY. You can find happiness. You DESERVE happiness. You deserve better than how he is treating you. You do not nor did you ever deserve 20+ years of scorn, shame, and guilt from him over a mistake you made as a child and an unwillingness to come forward right away with it. He can either accept responsibility, get help, and join you or he can go his separate way.

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