"You can survive this. Talk to others that have"

SumofOne posted 10/16/2019 09:22 AM

I have no desire to start something up. I have been going through infidelity for years. Recently in May and June things went nuts. We just separated this week.

Having said that, I love conversation with women. Just friendly conversation. I don't want women from my real life, too messy. I don't know why but it is one of the few things that helps me with my self esteem. The conversation usually revolves around my marital issues and focuses on advice.

Some might say at this stage it is a revenge EA. I don't want anything. I am just lonely. Talking to women make me feel less lonely.

Any idea where I can find others like me? I looked on Reddit and they are all so young.

tushnurse posted 10/16/2019 10:45 AM

Get an IC.

You should not be looking to others to boost your own self esteem, regardless of what you want out of a connection with others, this should not be it.

SusanneH posted 10/16/2019 11:13 AM

I agree with tushnurse. Get some professional help, rather than finding friendship, or whatever online. Best of luck ((((HUGS)))).

justabrokendream posted 10/16/2019 11:49 AM

I second what Tushnurse said.

EvenKeel posted 10/16/2019 12:03 PM

I don't want anything. I am just lonely. Talking to women make me feel less lonely.

You are missing the connection that you had from a partner. Many of us find this is the thing we missed the most.

The problem with any "just friends" relationship you find right now is going to fill that void but you will find that attention can be intoxicating. This is normal because, many times, we lacked that connection with our spouses for a long, long time (way before we finally separated).

I would used your current connections (ie your friends today - or family - whatever your support system is) for advice and sound offs. Those are the people that know you best and can probably give the best perspective vs some new stranger.

Then branch out to some activity that you do JUST for you. Maybe join a group if you are into a hobby (fishing, running, tech, whatever). That way you have an activity where you can focus on something else (even if it is only for an hour here or there).

I am just lonely.

We just separated this week.

You are very early into your healing. Please be patient with yourself and let yourself grieve that R that is ending.

The more you are able to heal; the better your NB will be.

Hang in there!

SumofOne posted 10/16/2019 12:53 PM

I am all for IC but...I have like 20 times a day where I feel like I can't breath and I am just going to lose it.

The feeling of isolation and loneliness is tough.

I am currently taking Some meds. I try to take the bare minimum. I am deathly afraid of addiction. Funny, I have been that way my whole like to be so careful of addiction but allowed myself to become addicted to such a toxic person.

ThisIsSoLonely posted 10/30/2019 14:31 PM

The feeling of isolation and loneliness is tough.

For me I think it is the most difficult. My XH was NOT good to me - for years. He cheated on me, drew me back in with promises of R/wanting me for 2 years, only to announce that although the A is done (according to him - who knows) that he does not want to try (after I had said I was done trying but was staying so that I could finish my job and leave on my own terms). He couldn't even give me that - my being here is "too uncomfortable" for him so he needs to erase my existence so he can get on with his own happiness.

I don't know anyone here now - all of our friends (the few we had here) were his. Mine are many many many hours via car or plane away. The need for connection is huge for me. When I moved here I found that I was leaving a lot of people I could go to dinner with and hang out with behind but it was okay because we had each other so there was a very real connection and I did not feel lonely - it's not the romantic connection for me nearly as much as it is that I have no one to go have a coffee with - no one to talk to about the day to day shit in my life.

I've been in IC for almost 2 years myself and I feel like my need for connection is not something that needs to be "fixed" - and I tire of hearing "work on yourself - be your own best friend" because I am not some solo entity that just exists. The lack of connection is killing me here - there are only so many phone calls I can make.

Last weekend, I made a very long drive to a friends house, and we went to a halloween party over the weekend. At that party I spent time talking to various people, and a very attractive man spent a lot of time talking to me - just about my job and his, random life stuff not related to the failure of my M - just about normal things people talk about. I was NOT interested in him romantically at all as I (as much as I don't want to admit it) am still very much in love with the person I thought my WH was - I miss the pre-A guy immensely - and attraction to someone else just seems impossible right now. In fact, it was the first time since I have been with my WH that I even noticed the attractiveness of someone of the opposite sex - I literally was blind to that for so long. At the end of the night, this guy tried to get my number, which I was in the process of politely declining, when he told me he was married. I told him that was a deal breaker for me - even on a friendly basis - and went home.

The funny thing is, I didn't care that he was married simply because I had no interest in any romantic involvement with him and while he didn't give me any indication that he had a romantic interest and he at least had the decency to admit he was married to allow me to decide if I wanted to talk to him further, I was still sad - bummed that he was simply because the connection - the opportunity to go out and just talk to someone was so nice. I felt a tiny bit like myself again, and I think that connection for me, does that on some level that I have been missing even sitting here in this house with my XH.

So I get it on some level - and I don't think there is something inherently wrong with you for seeing that. We are social animals, and to try to deny all of that and to say to "be your own best friend" is nice and good, but it doesn't get to the heart of loneliness and lack of connection. I wish I had answers for you - I seek them myself.

[This message edited by ThisIsSoLonely at 2:33 PM, October 30th (Wednesday)]

crazyblindsided posted 11/1/2019 16:36 PM

The feeling of isolation and loneliness is tough.

Do you have any friends you can go out with? Or a meet-up group? It helps to surround yourself with people that are your support system and care about you. I have gotten more out of those relationships than my own M... go figure! Being with an NPD was pretty darn lonely. I felt alone in the M so it doesn't feel that much different being separated.

Phoenix1 posted 11/1/2019 17:15 PM

Some people need that outside connection more thextan others. I, personally, don't. But I'm an introvert, and I am completely content with me own company.

If you are more of an extrovert and need those social connections, then look for ways to find them without the pressure of it turning into a relationship while you are still so early in the healing process. So how do you do that? Join activities that interest you through Meet Up groups, hobby groups, volunteering, church, etc. That way you are doing things you enjoy (which also acts as a distraction) and you are interacting with like-minded folks. The people you interact with may become some new friends that you CAN connect with.

I don't know why but it is one of the few things that helps me with my self esteem. The conversation usually revolves around my marital issues and focuses on advice.

But I will say this about that^^. Don't go looking for new friends with the intent of dumping your marital woes in their lap in the hopes that they will become your personal therapist (that's what IC is for). Doing so can often scare people away, especially early on. If you "need" these connections to fill a void in your self-esteem, then that is something you should work on in IC to find out why that is. The root of the problem, in that case, is your low self-esteem. Find ways to boost it without relying on others for that boost. Is it easy? No, it's not. The infidelity shit sandwich does terrible damage to self-esteem. But getting out of infidelity also means finding ways to heal that damage, and you don't want that to be at the expense of others. A good IC can help you tremendously.

You are still so early in the process. With some emotional distance and focusing on you and what you like to do, you may find that your outlook and perspective completely changes.

Hang in there, SumofOne! It DOES get better, but it takes the dreaded word, time.

cancuncrushed posted 11/29/2019 08:57 AM

Finally. Someone who really gets it

I’m going thru this same thing. Xwh left me for Ow 1.5 years ago. It sounds like a long time ago. We still fight monthly in court or thru attorneys. So it feels fresh. ow dumped him.

He’s been horrific. Cheater liar alcoholic Npd. There is no possibility or hope for anything. Yet I miss preA spouse. I absolutely hate being alone. Now I wear the mask. People avoid me because my world is a disaster.

Nobody understands after 36 years of marriage. The void. It’s crazy. I have no friends in this city. No family. xwh was my entire world as far as day to day. His work. His friends. His coworkers. His family was closer. Now. Zero

I’m so tired of being told to heal. It’s better. It will change. I’m strong. Make friends. I would love to have a dozen friends. It’s hard to make friends. People have lives. Families. They are busy. They don’t want strangers around for holidays.

Divorce is hard. Just as hard as infidelity. I’m so tired of being alone And rejected

I will put my mask on today. I will walk my 4 miles. I was named #1 most frequent visitor at a certain park. Everyone thinks I’m cute. A fitness grandma. I’m walking off pain. I’m crazy Sometimes I cry as I walk. They see the mask. I was humiliated. A measure of desperation walking

The only way to have a life now is to build one. The horror stories Bad new relationships. I know divorced people who haven’t remarried after many many years. It’s hard finding positive.

[This message edited by cancuncrushed at 9:04 AM, November 29th (Friday)]

BearlyBreathing posted 11/29/2019 09:40 AM

It is hard. We got dealt a bad hand. All we can do is play it. Fair? No. Easy? No. Lonely? Often. But here we are. It does get better- but not rainbows and smilie faces right away. Sometimes better means away from the toxic, even though we were comfortable in the toxic soup.

Give it time- 2-5 years is not a guess, that’s the truth. I hear you, and the holidays are hard . I wish we all had the spouses we thought we had. (((Hugs)))

Glashalffull posted 11/30/2019 04:41 AM

I agree with Phoenix: Counseling is a great place to start and your ic should als be able to direct you to support groups as well. Other options would be to join a gym, take group exercise classes, volunteer, church groups and even the library. Most libraries have random classes. Join a walking/running group.
Also notice that all of these activities require getting out from behind the computer and out of the house. It is so very easy in this day and age to stay isolated , yet not feel isolated with the internet.
It is all just so very hard. I wish you luck.