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Can they ever love you again?

Linp posted 10/9/2019 07:37 AM

My husband keeps going back and forth but mostly says he can never love me the same way again. He keeps telling me he loves but isn't in love with me anymore. Then when I break down he will say he wants to see a counselor and he will try. He is still extremely angry and keeps repeating everything he saw in the sexual messages over and over. He says he will never get the images out of his head. Is it really possible with commitment, love, and work to get those feelings back? Thats what I keep telling him.

Iíve been with him since I was 15, married 18 years, 4 kids. Is this really something you cant work past? I felt like since I didnít cross a physical line there is a chance but now I donít know. At what point do I accept that Iíve lost him? Deep down I feel like he still loves me. Is it worth the fight if he will never love me the same way again?

anxietydepressio posted 10/9/2019 07:44 AM

You can't control what he decides to do, so don't try. Be caring, compassionate, and as supportive as you can.

If you were the cause of a car accident your immediate reaction would be to help the victims, not feel bad for yourself. Now is the time to help the victim, in whatever way that can be done.

If you love him, you want him to be happy no matter what. That may or may not include you at this point. You can't control that.

Justsomelady posted 10/9/2019 08:32 AM

Yes. Give it time. Be patient with him. You canít lnow the outcome in advance or jump over the process, the only way out is through. You need to be the one reassuring him and proving yourself rather than the other way around, he will hopefully come around in time.

Have you been reading how to help your spouse heal from an affair?

hikingout posted 10/9/2019 08:59 AM

I will echo Justsomelady in you need to read how to help your spouse heal from an affair. Read about how to be a healthy rebuilder. These are very early days. It's too soon for your husband to know what he wants. He will be in the shock stage for months. This process of rebuilding will take years. What you need to be focused on is working on yourself. Figuring out your whys, thinking about the changes you need to make to yourself.

But, I do want to say yes, it's possible. If he comes to the conclusion he wants the marriage, and you work on yourself and work to help him heal, it's possible they can love you again. Not guaranteed, but possible. H and I have been to hell and back together after my A. We went through all sorts of stages and likely have numerous stages to go. We are about two years out. But, I do believe he loves me and I know I love him. So, yes it's possible, but expect a roller coaster for some time to come. For us the first 6 months were really dark, extremely painful and hard to get through. It got a little better with time. So, it won't be as intense the entire 2-5 years, but you will be dealing with this in some way for a very long length of time.

Wayflost posted 10/9/2019 10:53 AM


Is it really possible with commitment, love, and work to get those feelings back?

I am 6 years out from Dday. I cannot tell you the last time my BS said the words "I love you." He stopped saying it because, to him, my affairs meant that his love didn't matter. That being said, I know he loves me. It won't ever be the SAME again. But love isn't a static state of being. It is always changing, growing, maturing. Think about it. The love you had at 15 is most definitely not the love you had at 20, or 25.

As other's have said though, you cannot force the outcome. An affair tells the betrayed spouse that they are not loved. That they do not deserve to be loved by their wayward. While that isn't necessarily the truth, that's what they feel. that's what we made them feel. By seeking sex, love, attention, (sexting) outside of our marriages we told them their love wasn't enough.

I felt like since I didnít cross a physical line there is a chance but now I donít know.

I did cross the physical line, and here we are 6 years later. Not married, but together. But really, it isn't what you feel about your affair that matters. Was this a deal breaker for him? Don't justify or minimize. Take it from me. Those actions make recovery harder and longer. An affair is an affair is an affair.

At what point do I accept that Iíve lost him?

When he tells you it's over, and takes the steps to make it official. It sounds to me as though he is still in the early stages of grief and shock. He says he can't ever love you the same way, that does not equate to not loving you at all. You are not the person he thought you were before Dday. He is having to come to terms with that. You need to come to terms with that.

Is it worth the fight if he will never love me the same way again?

Is it? Only you can answer that. Some of us waywards cannot hack the hard work it takes to come through this process. Some of us cannot bear the fallout. Some of us dig in and work. Some of us stick it out because we were shocked awake.

Look, reconciliation is a process. It takes time and effort. It's hard, and often painful. But some of our members here are clear that the love they share AFTER the hard work of healing themselves and their partners is deeper and more meaningful. For others it just isn't. No one has to settle. Just because you had the EA doesn't mean that you can't ultimately decide that you are done. Maybe this was your way of creating an exit.

Hang in there. It is impossible to predict the outcome. I know that my BS loves me. It's not the same, but I'm not the same either. The difference of 18 years is huge. The difference between 6 years ago and today is huge. My BS is worth it to me.

NotSureAboutIt posted 10/9/2019 10:55 AM

It is possible to get love back. It is unlikely to be the same level of love. The mind movies will likely become less frequent, but are unlikely to go away completely. The marriage you had is gone. You may build a new marriage, but your spouse will never be as vulnerable or as trusting as they were before you betrayed them. Sorry.

LifeDestroyer posted 10/9/2019 12:01 PM

If my BH gives me the gift of reconcilation, then I really really hope he can love me again. He has already said that the love will never be as deep as it was. I just hope he will be happy with that love.

Krystlebefore posted 10/9/2019 14:11 PM

Yes it is possible Iím living proof so whilst some may say its never the same etc sorry i disagree....
My husband said to me a few months ago i love you more and more each day - i canít actually remember what prompted him to say that - but i would agree we have a much better marriage than we ever have.
Now....Iím a long way out so its taken ages to get here and as someone Iím sure has said stop thinking about this and get on being a compassionate, loving partner, Iím concerned you are asking if its worth the fight, that should be clear to you - the ball is in your court - wishing you well.

pinkpggy posted 10/9/2019 14:20 PM

I think that it all depends on the BS. I'm sure it's possible to love a WS again but it takes time and a lot of patience and consistent effort on the part of the WS. You also have a to have a BS who is willing to love again. In my situation my BS at 3 years out almost, is not in live with me.

Zugzwang posted 10/14/2019 09:23 AM

This needs to be answered by a BS. I can tell you what my wife tells me. She loves me. She respects me. She says it is more than she has ever respected me because I chose to fight and change. She doesn't feel the innocent passion she had for me before I cheated. I have accepted that. She doesn't desire me the way she used to. I don't need that anymore. Her love was always more mature than mine.

Iamtrash posted 10/14/2019 09:42 AM

Any BS that is willing to consider R must still love you. If they didnít, R wouldnít even be an option.

It wonít be the same love. With growth and change, maybe you can help it to become a better, more real love.

DaddyDom posted 10/14/2019 11:33 AM

I am almost 4 years out. My wife and I were having this exact conversation the other day.

Honestly, in some ways, you answered your own question. Can he love you again? Yes. Like the others have pointed out, I'd say he still loves you now. Staying and working on the marriage with a spouse who just kicked you to tbe curb takes more love than most of us can imagine.

But no, it is not the same. It might even be better in some ways. But it will not be the same. It cannot be. In the same way that someone's old clothes might won't fit after they lose a lot of weight, you old marriage doesn't fit because the two of you are not the same people anymore.

The old marriage died the day you had your affair(s). It is natural to long for that relationship, but it is gone. The sooner you can come to terms with this idea, the better. What you have now and moving forward, will be something new that the two of you build together.

First thing first, however. For now, damage control must be done. There is a lot of hard work to be done, and a lot of self-reflection. Trust must be rebuilt. Your spouse will need to know that you are someone "Safe" to build a new relationship with. He cannot be with someone who is going to cheat on him again or put their own needs ahead of his well-being.

For now, work on loving him, and work on becoming someone better, someone who doesn't cheat and lie. When that happens, the door to love can be explored again.

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