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Trust question cut from long post...

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ChamomileTea posted 9/7/2019 18:02 PM

But dday tears open every one of those scars, no matter how healed they may have been or felt. So, not only does a BS have to deal with the current abandonment, but in some ways re-process and re-heal from all of them from the past.

Exactly. And I think in many ways it's because the primary relationship was part of the healing of the old injuries. Suddenly, here was this person in our lives who loved us more than anyone else and we trust them utterly. It's a healing balm to all those old abandonment and injuries... and then, they rise up like a monster from the shadows and gut us.

I found myself crying about things I hadn't thought of in decades, angry, and I mean deeply angry, with people who I'd forgiven years ago. I felt completely bereft, inconsolably lonely, my whole future fell away like the path before me had suddenly gone dark. Nothing mattered anymore. And I know these descriptions probably sound like melodrama, but hand to God I was crushed like a bug and no one around me could understand the scope of it. It's like childbirth or depression, people don't KNOW it unless they've experienced it.

Anyway, I do think that once the injuries are fully understood by the WS, they're in a better position to offer comfort. That said, a BS has to do their own healing. It's not right and it's not fair, but the key is pretty much in Susan Anderson's "Big/Little" exercise.. we have to KNOW at a primal level that we're there for ourselves.

LongSigh posted 9/7/2019 22:47 PM

You canít fix him. Unfortunately, all you can do is break a person. Itís entirely on their shoulders to put the pieces back together. Just another shitty and unjust aspect of infidelity.

gmc94 posted 9/8/2019 09:27 AM

in many ways it's because the primary relationship was part of the healing of the old injuries..... It's a healing balm to all those old abandonment and injuries... and then, they rise up like a monster from the shadows and gut us.
Wow CTea - that was kind of a light bulb moment for me. I had not thought of it like that, but it really does make sense. WH came into my life at a time I was addressing them head on. Wow. thanks for shedding light on something.

Investednhealing posted 9/9/2019 11:44 AM

I had thought of that, but it only sank in so deeply. You are all right. I not only caused a very deep wound, I opened old wounds that had been struggling to heal. Ouch. (hangs head in sorrow and remorse)

He is my everything. We have grown so much over the last few years. To truly grasp the depths of his pain is heart wrenching, and to KNOW that I am the source of that pain is even worse.

I will continue daily, for the remainder of my years, to be there for him as he heals. My heart wants to fix what I have broken, to make it all better again. I know that is not possible. There is no going back, only moving forward. There is new found strength in the pain of the past, that would not be there simply going back and undoing what's been done. There is strength in overcoming hurt. A strength that we have to all find the hard way. It is not fair, it sucks, and it is not something I would wish on anyone. We are forging a deeper connection through healing.

He said to me the other day "I just want to go one day, ONE DAY, without thinking about it." One day without the pain of the past. One day without the hurt. One day without questioning life, and all that life is. One day where he can trust fully, not just me but truly trust again. Oh how I wish I could give that to him, but alas it is something he has to find for himself.

I am here. I will be here for him every step of the way, no matter the outcome. The outcome is not for us to decide. I will remain trustworthy, true, loving, caring, supportive, honest, dear, and continue to be the woman that he deserved to have all along.

He married a broken woman, with poor boundaries, low self esteem, and a head full of toxic negativity. I have worked hard to fix that, and am forever a work in progress.

Thank you everyone for your thoughts and input. Thank you for putting things into perspective. Thank you for your continued support.

DoinBettr posted 9/9/2019 13:49 PM

I am glad the FOO issues resounded well with everyone. The other thing to think about is that he had to break part of himself to stay. Part of him feels you should suffer as someone who hurt us. That we get to defend ourselves, but that stops healing. So instead we build strength without our spouse, even against our spouse.
So, a great analogy that helped my wife understand. Before the affair, we were children who trusted everyone. We had that pure love that comes from children where they see everyone as essentially a good person who has everyone's best interest at heart. We feel this way because our WS shelter us and treat us as children. So now you are trying to understand how he can recapture that trust and amazement he had as child when he viewed the world. Sadly, this is him growing. He is going to see people differently and realize people lie to him. He will weigh what is told to him against his own facts and beliefs.
Yes, he won't have the joy he used to, but now he can see how damaged people are around him and maybe help them heal. I find seeing a purpose for the pain and scars helps people heal. That is why the JFO forum is so great. The BS takes what they learned and uses it to help someone else. Sometimes it backfires, but other times it helps the BS feel the pain had a purpose. Like working out to help someone else by lifting something heavy for them.
Maybe that will help him be less aggressive with the lack of trust, but see that now with his eyes wide open he is a stronger person. That this made him who he is now. Acceptance of his new understanding of the world.
Good luck.

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