I'm looking for advice on how to best proceed given my ambivalence to my marriage. Background:
I had a 6 month affair the ended in February. The affair was exposed after my wife found some emails. It was a physical and emotional affair. My AP and I were in love, were soul mates, best friends and all of the things that people say in these relationships. I say it that way because I know it sounds like a cliche.
Upon discovery I went into counseling and my wife and I separated. I moved into condo in town while my wife and kids went through the trauma and grief associated with my selfish actions.
My initial reaction was to win back my wife, kids and stabilize my life. I went no contact with the AP and did everything I could (counseling, joined a "wayward" support group, etc.) I look back and know that I did everything to regain control over my life since I was totally lost and self-traumatized.
After my wife and I decided to give reconciliation a try, we started counseling (I am in IC too), I moved back home.
Since DDay, my actions have reflected a desire to reconcile. However, I'm not sure if my heart has ever been in it. I have been asking myself for months if I really love her. I still don't know if I do.
I know that relationships go through seasons, and I'm trying to figure out if we're in a drought or if we're at the end.
I've been thinking a lot about leaving. I don't know if I can leave my kids (one son left in HS...other two are adults), our couple friends, our "lifestyle", our home, etc. I sometimes think I stay because of those things, as opposed to her.
The bottom line is that I'm ambivalent right now.
I don't know if I should wait it out and see if I regain a love and passion for her? Should I tell her that I don't feel a strong love for her? I mean I love her in the sense that she's a good person, the mother of my kids, etc., but do I want to spend another 25 years with her? I don't know.
I'm questioning if I should continue to work on our marriage via counseling and at home and see if feelings come back. Or let her know that I'm struggling with my feelings for her and that I've thought about leaving?
She sees it in me. She feels that I'm not giving 100%. She knows I'm not doing everything I can to win her back. I don't want to pretend then pull the rug from under her.
At the end of the day I know only I can decide. But seeing that I've fallen into some familiar traps and behaviors, I'm wondering if anyone has gone through similar and has any advice.
*To add to this, I'm not deciding between my wife and my AP. I am not interested in pursuing a future with AP.
[This message edited by Wayward2019 at 4:03 PM, August 22nd (Thursday)]