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Feeling Stuck in Anger/Plain of Lethal Flatness Phase

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Sanibelredfish posted 1/31/2020 14:31 PM

Actually, the results of her poly are even more damning than a usual fail. She weaseled her way down to two questions from 3. The first one (sex other than the once Thumos knew about) she failed miserably according to the examiner, and the second (sex in the marital bed) she passed with flying colors. So, if the poly was inaccurate, which one did it incorrectly evaluate? Iím sure sheíd said the ones that make her look bad, right?

Then there is the issue of the third question which she got thrown out with the help of her sister ahead of time. I think that was about whether or not sheíd ever cheated beside the A Thumos discovered. In light of that, maybe, just maybe, she is telling the truth about the identified AP and one incident of PIV, but failed the question because sheís cheated otherwise. It seems like the kind of technicality a desperate cheater might cling to.

Thumos posted 1/31/2020 14:47 PM

So she never followed through on taking a second polygraph, then. Not even with a different tester?

No. I may not have been clear on this before. She offered to take the second polygraph the morning after the failed polygraph. Later that afternoon (this was Christmas Eve), I told her I would take her up on that offer and she backpedaled away from it furiously and retracted it.

So I called her bluff and it was just window dressing. She now says polygraphs arenít reliable and she wonít do another one.

On the issue of the third question, that wasnít about the possibility of other infidelity, that was about any other sexual acts of any kind with her AP. All of my questions were about sex with this AP.

But yes, the rest of this is correct. They finagled dropping the third question. The other two questions (sex more than once and any sexual activity in or near the bedroom) were still included. Technically she failed the entire polygraph but the graphs measuring her responses show no likely deception on the marital bedroom question) and deception detected on the question of sex more than once.

What is interesting and ironic is that she gave me a clearer result with just two questions by lobbying to have the third question dropped. Iím glad I asked more than one question because I have the marital bedroom question to measure against.

She says she was anxious about the sex more than once question and thatís why she failed because I had ďasked it so many times before.Ē But Iíd also asked the marital bedroom question many times in the past. She passed one and failed the other.

I strongly suspect ó but have absolutely no proof ó that they had sex the night I was at the auction. And that she went to APís empty townhouse that night. I also strongly suspect other sexual activity during early morning meetups in her car or his truck.

[This message edited by Thumos at 2:56 PM, January 31st (Friday)]

Sanibelredfish posted 1/31/2020 15:07 PM

Thanks for clarifying, Thumos.

Yes, the marital bed question responses provide an invaluable measuring stick. In scientific terms, it is a concurrent negative control.

ramius posted 1/31/2020 17:48 PM

She says this, she says that...every time she talks about the affair/poly/how much I love you etc I just imagine it sounds like the adults on Charlie Brown, "Wha Wha..wha wha wha wha"

Lock down the post-nup/divorce agreement. Once its approved and notarized/recorded....IMO just file for divorce and move on.

A new, younger, loyal, loving, more attractive woman in your life would do wonders for your heart.

Butforthegrace posted 2/3/2020 09:16 AM

I strongly suspect ó but have absolutely no proof ó that they had sex the night I was at the auction. And that she went to APís empty townhouse that night. I also strongly suspect other sexual activity during early morning meetups in her car or his truck.

We know that she wishes she had never admitted to you that she had sex with him even the one time she did admit. That known fact, coupled with her overall approach, leads to the conclusion that her overarching belief is that the less you know, the better.

Since Dday she has pressed a rug sweeping, truth avoiding agenda. At first it was through cruelty and gas lighting. Then, when that didn't work, it was by pushing a faux faith-based agenda of "forgiveness". Now it's by pussy bombing you.

Though the tactics have shifted, the agenda has remained consistent: stick to the scripted lies and hope that you will eventually back down.

I do think this is motivated on her side by a sincere desire to remain married to you. But I think she believes her best path is to keep you from knowing the truth, probably because there are things in the truth that she believes would be deal breakers for you if you knew them. Thus, her bottom line is that the marriage will be on her terms. It's pretty clear that those terms do not include transparency nor honesty about her A. Everything she has done post Dday has been consistent on that point. It is her plan to preserve that intimacy she shared with her AP for herself, and never reveal it to you.

As I mention above, you may decide to remain married on thos terms. I do think you owe it to yourself to be open eyed about that if you do so. As I have said, which Thumos do you want to stare down in the bathroom mirror in 10 years?

[This message edited by Butforthegrace at 10:45 AM, February 3rd (Monday)]

Butforthegrace posted 2/17/2020 12:06 PM

Thumos, what's going on with you? I see you actively posting on other threads, but no updates about your thread.

thatbpguy posted 2/17/2020 15:09 PM

I was thinking the same thing. I have intentionally not posted on this thread due to all the activity Thumos was getting and not wanting to add to it all, but am concerned for his health.

KingofNothing posted 2/17/2020 20:00 PM

Iíve been wondering the same thing. Are you still married, Thumos?

Tseratievig posted 2/17/2020 22:40 PM

Posted 12/30
- After talking to my therapist next week, I'll schedule time to sit with an attorney to understand my options. As I said, a divorce will take some time given our financial obligations.
Posted 1/10
- I'm seeing a divorce attorney next week to understand what a separation and divorce actually entails.
- Yes, this is my intent and part of why I'm seeing the D attorney next week. Guys, any thoughts on what to look for in a good D attorney?
Posted 1/29
- My wife and I are seeing a family law attorney next week -- barring any developments that would prevent us on the heart front -- to get a real post nup drawn up. She knows divorce is on the table now, and she is willing to provide me a post nup as essentially a pre-divorce settlement to protect me.
Posted 1/31
- And seeing attorney about post nup next week. Iíll also be asking about a separation agreement.

I think you can figure what I'm about to inquire about. The first time you said you were going to see an attorney (next week) was on 12/30. I'm assuming that didn't happen. On 1/29 you mentioned you were seeing a family law attorney next week. That's come and gone. On this one I assume you did see the attorney. How did it go?

Thumos posted 2/18/2020 07:32 AM

The stress test is literally happening this morning. Wish me luck. Iím doing ok physically but of course Iíve been better and the idea that your heart is a piece of spoiled meat flopping around in your chest has a way of concentrating oneís thoughts.

We havenít seen an attorney yet, the heart stuff has overtaken everything else and almost all Iíve been able to think about.

Aside from work (everyone has a busy job, but mine involves travel and is fairly high stakes) Iíve been having to schedule and arrange for multiple appointments and tests all over town, not just cardiologist but also a pulmonologist (no, I donít smoke).

Iím posting elsewhere as a distraction or as a ďlegacyĒ if I was already in the thread (like with one particular JFO thread).

Iíd like to find out exactly what is going on with my heart before I do anything else. Hopefully I should know something more definitive by the end of this month.

I do think we can walk and chew gum at the same time, but from a practical standpoint Iíd like to know my out of pocket expenses for the heart stuff before I sign on for a bunch of attorney fees. So Iím the one who has put that on the back burner.

I take odd comfort in the fact that all of this is being drawn out over several weeks. While itís agonizing not knowing whatís going on with my heart, I also keep telling myself if it were truly serious surely they would have stuck me in a hospital bed and cracked my chest open before now.

[This message edited by Thumos at 7:39 AM, February 18th (Tuesday)]

thatbpguy posted 2/18/2020 09:09 AM

Thanks for the update. One easy step at a time....

hikingout posted 2/18/2020 09:21 AM

Saying a prayer.

Sanibelredfish posted 2/18/2020 09:37 AM

Have you been transparent with the cardiologists about ALL the stresses youíve been under? The cumulative stress you face is a factor that your health care professionals should be aware of.

Marz posted 2/18/2020 13:53 PM

Anxiety can do strange things to you physically.

Iíve been there.

sisoon posted 2/18/2020 14:35 PM

^^^ truth ^^^

I think you're making the right decision (to focus on your health first). I hope the stress test goes well.

[This message edited by sisoon at 2:36 PM, February 18th (Tuesday)]

Thumos posted 2/19/2020 11:17 AM

I wonít know echo or stress test results until next week when I have folo with cardiologist. But I did a calcium heart scan this morning and it was 0.78 - in other words, clean as a whistle. That test doesnít measure ďsoft plaque buildupĒ but the tech said itís rare to see such a low score and have any significant soft plaque. Usually the two go hand in hand to some extent. The chest pain is still there but Iím feeling more optimistic ahead of my appt next week.

WalkingHome posted 2/19/2020 11:46 AM

I ended up in the ER a few years ago, after 3 days of fighting with my SO...her doing drive by insults, me responding...no sleep...the stress just got to me and I was having serious chest pains and trouble breathing.

They thought I was having a heart attack.


In the end, it was just stress...but it was causing actual cardiac issues. No attacks, but irregular beat and similar.


Sucked. Cure was to not be in that environment.


thatbpguy posted 2/19/2020 11:58 AM

I remember pain so bad in my heart I couldn't stand up straight, eat, sleep.... I went to the ER twice when I could scarcely breathe. Just stress. Stress from an unfaithful spouse.

Thumos posted 2/19/2020 13:38 PM

Yes, I've no doubt it is directly related to the ongoing stress of the past three years which culminated in the failed polygraph only 8 weeks ago. I think there also may an issue with my CPAP being miscalibrated with not enough pressure -- I'm a healthy man, but I do have sleep apnea as well. The cardiologist seems to think it's a combination of the two.

nekonamida posted 2/20/2020 16:22 PM

If the culprit is mainly stress, what do you think is the way forward from here? What needs to change in your life for this stress to be taken off of your plate?

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