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Feeling Stuck in Anger/Plain of Lethal Flatness Phase

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hikingout posted 1/30/2020 12:55 PM

I am so sorry to hear about your heart issue, Thumos. That's terrible, and I do worry that's stressed induced.

She has also said she wants to be my caretaker right now, fully accepting that her actions are the cause of this. We've discussed the fact that being with her might literally be killing me now.

I am sorry but this makes me incredibly angry for you. So, literally she knows she is killing you and STILL can't muster transparency? She knows she is facing divorce, that's one thing. Knowing she is causing you this must stress with her lies... That's another level. I am usually not one to stir things up too much because I do believe while I respect everyone's decisions I probably naturally lean more towards R, just because it's been my experience thus far. But. This. I don't know what to even say about this, or maybe I am biting my tongue here.

SlapNutsABingo posted 1/30/2020 14:52 PM

Wishing you everything Thumos.....

I had some heart issues almost a year ago and I'm in awesome shape, it can happen to anyone. They think it was viral. Water around the hart, part of it not pumping at the level it should, that kind of stuff. Listen to what they say and do everything they tell you.

ramius posted 1/30/2020 16:08 PM

She wants to be your “caretaker”? Really? And how is she going to do that exactly?

She is a liar, and a cheater. She has fed you bullshit that has caused a shit ton of stress, which is most likely contributing to you heart issue.

In what universe is she qualified to be your “caretaker”? She takes care of herself first and foremost. If she wants to help you, you can bet it’s because it benefits her in some way.

Do you have a large life insurance policy?

crazyinlove1995 posted 1/30/2020 18:10 PM

Damn man.This shit can kill..Time to read The body keep score if you havent..

KingofNothing posted 1/31/2020 11:01 AM

We've discussed the fact that being with her might literally be killing me now.

Damn. That's a heavy weight to carry. I hope she owned that.

Wishing you a speedy recovery and the best of all possible outcomes.

crazyblindsided posted 1/31/2020 11:04 AM

I second reading the Body Keeps the Score. This stuff will make you sick. That book has helped me so much I highly recommend it.

Thumos posted 1/31/2020 11:23 AM

Oh believe me I know this must be directly related to the stress. I’m implementing some major changes - going back to low carb diet, meditation, etc. And seeing attorney about post nup next week. I’ll also be asking about a separation agreement.

So, literally she knows she is killing you and STILL can't muster transparency? She knows she is facing divorce, that's one thing. Knowing she is causing you this must stress with her lies... That's another level.

She continues to insist she has told me everything, that if she made something up about more sex it wouldn’t hold up because it wouldn’t be true, and that the polygraph is wrong. She has also continued to attack to viability of polygraphs in general.

I’ve been just as insistent that I don’t believe her and trust is gone. Less than zero.

Someone asked if I have a life insurance. Yes. And yes it’s sizable. Designates my children as the beneficiaries.

Thumos posted 1/31/2020 11:28 AM

I have another couple of questions. If you are on the D path, why bother with the pre-nup? Are you just using the pre-nup as a ruse and once everything is in place, you plan on D?

If the pre-nup is being written with the idea of you staying unless another shoe drops, how can you overcome the knowledge that your WW is still lying to you?

The post nup is not a ruse by me and not predicated on another instance of infidelity. It just is. I can leave at any time.

She’s offering it as essentially a “pre divorce settlement” to guarantee I won’t have to pay alimony or spousal support and that we’d split custody 50-50 with no child support payments . She’s offering it in the hope I’ll elect to stay with her rather than proceed with divorce.

She has said she used to think the worst thing would be losing me in divorce. Now she says she understands the worst thing would just be losing me not living in the world. She’d rather divorce than have me die.

[This message edited by Thumos at 11:32 AM, January 31st (Friday)]

hikingout posted 1/31/2020 11:28 AM

I am always prone to the benefit of the doubt when I read stuff like that - I always recognize that we only hear one person's side. BUT, in your case the way she was acting and the things she was saying prior, I was already convinced she was going to fail the poly before it ever occurred. Now, whether it's because there was more instances of sex or if there is a lie about the sex in some way that is causing that, I have no idea. Whatever it is, she is ultimately convinced you would never accept it. So, she goes down with the ship.

Thumos posted 1/31/2020 11:34 AM

Whatever it is, she is ultimately convinced you would never accept it. So, she goes down with the ship.

Yeah, I don’t know what it is, but it’s something. It is too bad. I wish she could bring herself to be transparent but I’ve stopped trying and I played my hand.

Marz posted 1/31/2020 11:35 AM

You need to take a longbrisk walk every evening.

It’ll clear your mind and the exercise will reduce your blood pressure, etc.

IMO amazed at how it’s worked with me.

Thumos posted 1/31/2020 11:56 AM

You need to take a longbrisk walk every evening.
It’ll clear your mind and the exercise will reduce your blood pressure, etc.

Good advice. Right now I’m supposed to keep heart rate below 120, so I have to be careful with exercise. Unfortunately exercise has been my refuge, and right now I can’t do much of that. I lift and do cardio several times a week. Being fit hasn’t been the problem here.

Tseratievig posted 1/31/2020 11:57 AM

Yeah, I don’t know what it is, but it’s something. It is too bad. I wish she could bring herself to be transparent but I’ve stopped trying and I played my hand.
You showed her you have aces full. She has 10 high. Please don't throw your hand in the muck.

KingRat posted 1/31/2020 12:04 PM

Do you enjoy music? Playing an instrument and/or singing can be very relaxing and intellectually stimulating. Anyone can do it with enough practice.

Thumos posted 1/31/2020 12:28 PM

I do and I can “pretend” to pay both guitar and piano semi proficiently

Thumos posted 1/31/2020 12:30 PM

An example of how my wife is helping: she’s pulling strings with some clients to get me into the top cardiologist in our city more quickly. greasing the skids so I can get additional tests faster.

Alpargata posted 1/31/2020 12:40 PM

The whole carataker thing and the conversation around it could make it as a skit in SNL for sure.

Gently, what the hell Thumos, like I understand you love her and yada yada yada, but you are literally dying to know, and still she will not tell you. At the very least get that post-nup done before she decides you guys do not really need one and you oblige her.

The only thing that comes to mind as to why she is still holding information, even after the poly and your condition, would be that she does not want the affair to have been for nothing. Someone suggested something similar on an earlier page on this thread. She wants to hold on whatever twisted meaning she has given it and that has to be why she rather bury you at 50 than letting you in. Because any other reason implies your wife being truly evil, you will be the judge.

Not sure if that first option even has a fix other than divorce and moving on.

Just take good care of yourself. I will keep you in my thoughts regarding your health.

emergent8 posted 1/31/2020 12:51 PM

The only thing that comes to mind as to why she is still holding information, even after the poly and your condition, would be that she does not want the affair to have been for nothing.

I disagree. She's holding on to it because Thumos has clearly stated that if there was more than one instance of sex and she's been lying about it all this time, that it will be a dealbreaker. He has demonstrated through his actions that the current state of limbo is not necessarily a dealbreaker. Regardless of how awful the current state is (and it clearly is), this is preferable to her than divorce. It's hard to watch.

Thumos, please take care of yourself. I wish you a speedy recovery.

Alpargata posted 1/31/2020 13:20 PM

She's holding on to it because Thumos has clearly stated that if there was more than one instance of sex and she's been lying about it all this time, that it will be a dealbreaker.

She failed the poly, she has been lying about it all this time. There is no way she herself believes the bs about the poly being not credible, etc, etc. She has to say those things to keep in line with her own narrative, but there is no way she believes it herself, or is there?

This limbo is continuing because Thumos is allowing it to happen, but at this point they are both watching the play from the puppeteer's pov (They just both pretend to not see the strings).

KingofNothing posted 1/31/2020 13:44 PM

She continues to insist she has told me everything, that if she made something up about more sex it wouldn’t hold up because it wouldn’t be true, and that the polygraph is wrong. She has also continued to attack to viability of polygraphs in general.

So she never followed through on taking a second polygraph, then. Not even with a different tester?

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