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Brady Bunch

TheKarmaTrain posted 7/13/2019 13:07 PM

How do you all deal with your loser ex moving in with SO and their kids and creating their own little "happy" brady bunch situation for your kids? My 14yo daughter is currently estranged from her dad. But my 12yo son adores him and will do anything for him. And now that involves spending all of his "dad" time with his gf and her young kids. He won't express anything but i can tell it annoys him to not get any one on one time with his father, but he's so scared of losing him that he would never say anything. Meanwhile, and I know this is ridiculous, but I can't help but worry that my son is going to prefer this setup to our house. I've worked so hard to keep my relationship separate and told my boyfriend I won't move in until the kids are out of the house. But my loser ex goes and creates this big integrated family and my son is over there more than ever. How do you all deal with the emotions involved in this?

EvenKeel posted 7/15/2019 07:17 AM

but I can't help but worry that my son is going to prefer this setup to our house.
He won't. He finds comfort in knowing your home is his consistent of life. I did the same thing as you....said I would not do any cohabitating while my kids there. I stuck to that and am glad I did. Their father moved woman (and children) in and out at his place. My only concern was "Do you like her/them? and "Is she nice to you?". As long as the answers were positive, I just concentrated on that. I tried to remember any POSITIVE relationship in my child's life is good for them because you can't have too many people in your corner. I know it is hard. His one GF was very good with my DD - always baking with her, etc.

So if his SO and her kiddos are good to your DD/DS, then try to just focus on that.

IT WILL NEVER - EVER- EVERRRRR replace their home with you!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! You just continue to be their constant/safe place.

I know if feels sucky - but you are doing a great job.

[This message edited by EvenKeel at 7:18 AM, July 15th (Monday)]

Catwoman posted 7/15/2019 09:00 AM

Don't be so sure it's all puppies and rainbows over there. Blending families is TOUGH, and you know that a WS and their AP are limited in their abilities to effectively handle life's problems.

My WS moved in with his AP prior to the divorce being final. She had younger children, and my kids were asked to babysit for them. Less than a year in, he moved out, then he moved back in. I suspect this was a pattern. Less than a year after he bought a house for all of them to share, it was over and she moved out with her kids.

My kids love my home as their "safe place" where it's quiet and stable. Their dad is a stimulus junkie (has to have something going on ALL THE TIME) and I'm not.

I wouldn't worry about comparing the two households. Sure my ex's place was exiting and all that, but even that gets old after awhile. Don't mistake drama for passion.

Cat

homewrecked2011 posted 7/20/2019 16:19 PM

Be sure to keep your weekends as your weekends. I thought my sons were going to resent me when I said, “This is my weekend”. But soon they realized they could plan things to do with their friends here, and not have to be the one to disappoint dad. It also gave a break in the bonding of craziness at their Dads. I didn’t want my kids to turn out like them! My friends all said it’s ok to have down time quiet weekends here, but to try and do something with the kids and I. (Drive go carts, go to a Movie, etc. when possible.

In my case it worked out ok bc their Dad and OW started fighting a lot. They saw how their Dad put OW son b4 them, but they realized they were not asked to b around when OW son was gone. 😥

[This message edited by homewrecked2011 at 4:20 PM, July 20th (Saturday)]

Cooley2here posted 7/21/2019 13:14 PM

When your son goes through puberty he won’t care about either one of you. In fact both of you will get on his last nerve. Teenagers are so interesting to me because they are so weird. Just hang on and be stable and loving and somewhere when he’s about 35 he will tell you how much he appreciates what you did for him.

Right now he is terrified his dad will reject him. Don’t be surprised if he does it first.

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