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36yearsgone posted 7/8/2019 12:23 PM

Now that I am nearly two years out since D-day, I’ve had time to reflect on the myths about adultery I used to believe.

Ten Myths

1.) Adultery doesn’t happen to good people.
2.) he causes of adultery are evenly split between the cheating spouse and the victimized spouse.
3.) As long as I am successful adultery won’t happen in my marriage.
4.) People cheat because the OM or OW is better than the one being cheated on.
5.) The sex is more offensive than the feelings the cheater has about the AP.
6.) Adultery is easy to get over.
7.) Once the cheater understands what he or she is losing, they will quit the affair and become a faithful spouse.
8.) People who commit adultery are normal, rational people who just got caught up in the moment.
9.) Women cheat because something is missing in their marriage, while men cheat for sex.
10.) Adultery is rare

Catwoman posted 7/8/2019 13:37 PM

Good to "see" you 36.

I think the biggest myth many of us believe is that our behavior can control the behavior of someone else. Therefore, we believe can can "affair-proof" the marriage, "nice" our WS into returning to the marriage or otherwise control their behavior with ours.

The hardest reality I think is to understand that our spouses/partners made a conscious choice. They weighed (however briefly) the pros and cons and made the choice.

Cat

OrdinaryDude posted 7/8/2019 14:07 PM

Yes, nice to see you brother, hope things are looking up fr you these days.

36yearsgone posted 7/8/2019 14:31 PM

Good to "see" you 36.

Thanks Cat. It is good to see you too.

36yearsgone posted 7/8/2019 14:33 PM

OrdinaryDude:

No major changes in my life. I think I have developed a survivor's attitude.

Good to see you.

OrdinaryDude posted 7/9/2019 14:26 PM

BTW, great post, completely accurate.

Any updates on the situation at her former workplace?

cocoplus5nuts posted 7/9/2019 14:41 PM

I hope this is ok.

Myth: You can't reconcile after infidelity.

ThisIsSoLonely posted 7/9/2019 14:57 PM

Myth: They didn’t really want to do it they just got caught up in the moment .

Fact: They did want to regardless of whether they got caught up in the moment or someone pursued them or they were intoxicated or even if they won’t admit they wanted it or whatever.

They WANTED to and they were willing to LIE to you to do it. They valued you, the marriage, themselves so little that is what they did because they wanted it. To me, reconciling that is the worst part of it. The want.

annb posted 7/10/2019 06:47 AM

Thanks for this post!

I think most of us felt the same way until infidelity hit us with a knockout punch.

annb posted 7/10/2019 06:48 AM

Thanks for this post!

I think most of us felt the same way until infidelity hit us with a knockout punch.

36yearsgone posted 7/10/2019 13:29 PM

OrdinaryDude

Any updates on the situation at her former workplace?

The OM pretty much disappeared after he was fired and escorted off the business property. My lawyer has requested that I don't discuss the individual in question at this time.

Thank you for asking.

36yearsgone posted 7/10/2019 13:35 PM

cocoplus5nuts

I hope this is ok.
Myth: You can't reconcile after infidelity.

I think reconciliation is not easy. If true reconciliation is to happen it means the prior relationship is dead and an entirely new relationship must be created.

fareast posted 7/10/2019 13:36 PM

36. Thank you for this post. The ten myths are spot on.

Good to see you out there. I recall your entire journey. I hope things are better for you. Gaining some of the weight back after the infidelity weight loss regimen? Good luck.

36yearsgone posted 7/10/2019 13:39 PM

ThisIsSoLonely:

Myth: They didn’t really want to do it they just got caught up in the moment .

Fact: They did want to regardless of whether they got caught up in the moment or someone pursued them or they were intoxicated or even if they won’t admit they wanted it or whatever.

They WANTED to and they were willing to LIE to you to do it. They valued you, the marriage, themselves so little that is what they did because they wanted it. To me, reconciling that is the worst part of it. The want.

After going through infidelity with the WW and belonging to this site for nearly two years, I have come to the conclusion infidelity is the cruelest and most selfish act that one partner can do to another.

Infidelity is essentially the murder of the relationship and the BS.

When my son died I thought his death was the worst pain I could ever possibly experience. I was wrong. Infidelity was more painful and that's saying a lot.

36yearsgone posted 7/10/2019 13:42 PM

fareast

36. Thank you for this post. The ten myths are spot on.

Good to see you out there. I recall your entire journey. I hope things are better for you. Gaining some of the weight back after the infidelity weight loss regimen? Good luck.

I have gained some weight back, but I think it's not good weight. Most of it came from drinking myself into oblivion. But I've stopped doing that and now hope for better health.

Phoenix1 posted 7/10/2019 21:27 PM

Myth: Affairs are just mistakes made by flawed humans.

No mistake. Unless the WS was drugged, unconscious, or forced by gunpoint to have sex with someone else, affairs are conscious choices. And unless it was a ONS/single incident, they are repeated conscious choices. A mistake is forgetting to pick up milk at the grocery store.

36yearsgone posted 7/10/2019 21:35 PM

No mistake. Unless the WS was drugged, unconscious, or forced by gunpoint to have sex with someone else, affairs are conscious choices. And unless it was a ONS/single incident, they are repeated conscious choices. A mistake is forgetting to pick up milk at the grocery store.

Absolutely right.

marriageredux959 posted 7/11/2019 00:06 AM

This:

I think the biggest myth many of us believe is that our behavior can control the behavior of someone else. Therefore, we believe can can "affair-proof" the marriage, "nice" our WS into returning to the marriage or otherwise control their behavior with ours.

The hardest reality I think is to understand that our spouses/partners made a conscious choice. They weighed (however briefly) the pros and cons and made the choice.

...and this:

Myth: They didn’t really want to do it they just got caught up in the moment .
Fact: They did want to regardless of whether they got caught up in the moment or someone pursued them or they were intoxicated or even if they won’t admit they wanted it or whatever.

They WANTED to and they were willing to LIE to you to do it. They valued you, the marriage, themselves so little that is what they did because they wanted it. To me, reconciling that is the worst part of it. The want.

...and this:

Myth: Affairs are just mistakes made by flawed humans.
No mistake. Unless the WS was drugged, unconscious, or forced by gunpoint to have sex with someone else, affairs are conscious choices. And unless it was a ONS/single incident, they are repeated conscious choices. A mistake is forgetting to pick up milk at the grocery store.

These things, these three things, this is *exactly* where I am stuck. Have been stuck for a year. Remain stuck. Not sure I will ever get unstuck, in this relationship, with this man.

Of course, there are concomitant problems with which we continue to struggle as well. I still haven't figured out if the infidelity was the chicken or the egg, or a little of both. Is the infidelity the problem? Or simply a symptom?

What's interesting to me along these lines is/was a rather abrupt and supremely enlightening exclamation from Husband some months ago, during an intense discussion.

At that time, Husband insisted that he is not his actions. He is who he thinks he is; he is not what he does.

He was surprised at the magnitude and intensity of my push back on that assumption.

[This message edited by marriageredux959 at 12:36 AM, July 11th (Thursday)]

RealityBlows posted 7/11/2019 12:15 PM

Another Myth The Public Clings to In A Blame The Victim Mentality:

When a man cheats, he’s just a cheating dog.

When a woman cheats, her needs were not being met or, he was not tending his garden at home.

[This message edited by RealityBlows at 1:57 PM, July 11th (Thursday)]