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36yearsgone (original poster member #60774) posted at 6:23 PM on Monday, July 8th, 2019
Now that I am nearly two years out since D-day, I’ve had time to reflect on the myths about adultery I used to believe.
Ten Myths
1.) Adultery doesn’t happen to good people.
2.) he causes of adultery are evenly split between the cheating spouse and the victimized spouse.
3.) As long as I am successful adultery won’t happen in my marriage.
4.) People cheat because the OM or OW is better than the one being cheated on.
5.) The sex is more offensive than the feelings the cheater has about the AP.
6.) Adultery is easy to get over.
7.) Once the cheater understands what he or she is losing, they will quit the affair and become a faithful spouse.
8.) People who commit adultery are normal, rational people who just got caught up in the moment.
9.) Women cheat because something is missing in their marriage, while men cheat for sex.
10.) Adultery is rare
If you are absent during my struggles, don't expect to be present in my success.
Catwoman ( member #1330) posted at 7:37 PM on Monday, July 8th, 2019
Good to "see" you 36.
I think the biggest myth many of us believe is that our behavior can control the behavior of someone else. Therefore, we believe can can "affair-proof" the marriage, "nice" our WS into returning to the marriage or otherwise control their behavior with ours.
The hardest reality I think is to understand that our spouses/partners made a conscious choice. They weighed (however briefly) the pros and cons and made the choice.
Cat
FBS: Married 20 years, 2 daughters 27 and 24. Divorced by the grace of GOD.
D-Days: 2/23/93; 10/11/97; 3/5/03
Ex & OW Broke up 12-10
"An erection does not count as personal growth."
OrdinaryDude ( member #55676) posted at 8:07 PM on Monday, July 8th, 2019
Yes, nice to see you brother, hope things are looking up fr you these days.
I was young and dumb and stayed with a cheater.
36yearsgone (original poster member #60774) posted at 8:31 PM on Monday, July 8th, 2019
Good to "see" you 36.
Thanks Cat. It is good to see you too.
If you are absent during my struggles, don't expect to be present in my success.
36yearsgone (original poster member #60774) posted at 8:33 PM on Monday, July 8th, 2019
OrdinaryDude:
No major changes in my life. I think I have developed a survivor's attitude.
Good to see you.
If you are absent during my struggles, don't expect to be present in my success.
OrdinaryDude ( member #55676) posted at 8:26 PM on Tuesday, July 9th, 2019
BTW, great post, completely accurate.
Any updates on the situation at her former workplace?
I was young and dumb and stayed with a cheater.
cocoplus5nuts ( member #45796) posted at 8:41 PM on Tuesday, July 9th, 2019
I hope this is ok.
Myth: You can't reconcile after infidelity.
Me(BW): 1970
WH(caveman): 1970
Married June, 2000
DDay#1 June 8, 2014 EA
DDay#2 12/05/14 confessed to sex before polygraph
Status: just living my life
ThisIsSoLonely ( Guide #64418) posted at 8:57 PM on Tuesday, July 9th, 2019
Myth: They didn’t really want to do it they just got caught up in the moment .
Fact: They did want to regardless of whether they got caught up in the moment or someone pursued them or they were intoxicated or even if they won’t admit they wanted it or whatever.
They WANTED to and they were willing to LIE to you to do it. They valued you, the marriage, themselves so little that is what they did because they wanted it. To me, reconciling that is the worst part of it. The want.
You are the only person you are guaranteed to spend the rest of your life with. Act accordingly.
Constantly editing posts: usually due to sticky keys on my laptop or additional thoughts
annb ( member #22386) posted at 12:47 PM on Wednesday, July 10th, 2019
Thanks for this post!
I think most of us felt the same way until infidelity hit us with a knockout punch.
annb ( member #22386) posted at 12:48 PM on Wednesday, July 10th, 2019
Thanks for this post!
I think most of us felt the same way until infidelity hit us with a knockout punch.
36yearsgone (original poster member #60774) posted at 7:29 PM on Wednesday, July 10th, 2019
OrdinaryDude
Any updates on the situation at her former workplace?
The OM pretty much disappeared after he was fired and escorted off the business property. My lawyer has requested that I don't discuss the individual in question at this time.
Thank you for asking.
If you are absent during my struggles, don't expect to be present in my success.
36yearsgone (original poster member #60774) posted at 7:35 PM on Wednesday, July 10th, 2019
cocoplus5nuts
I hope this is ok.
Myth: You can't reconcile after infidelity.
I think reconciliation is not easy. If true reconciliation is to happen it means the prior relationship is dead and an entirely new relationship must be created.
If you are absent during my struggles, don't expect to be present in my success.
fareast ( Moderator #61555) posted at 7:36 PM on Wednesday, July 10th, 2019
36. Thank you for this post. The ten myths are spot on.
Good to see you out there. I recall your entire journey. I hope things are better for you. Gaining some of the weight back after the infidelity weight loss regimen? Good luck.
Never bother with things in your rearview mirror. Your best days are on the road in front of you.
36yearsgone (original poster member #60774) posted at 7:39 PM on Wednesday, July 10th, 2019
ThisIsSoLonely:
Myth: They didn’t really want to do it they just got caught up in the moment .
Fact: They did want to regardless of whether they got caught up in the moment or someone pursued them or they were intoxicated or even if they won’t admit they wanted it or whatever.
They WANTED to and they were willing to LIE to you to do it. They valued you, the marriage, themselves so little that is what they did because they wanted it. To me, reconciling that is the worst part of it. The want.
After going through infidelity with the WW and belonging to this site for nearly two years, I have come to the conclusion infidelity is the cruelest and most selfish act that one partner can do to another.
Infidelity is essentially the murder of the relationship and the BS.
When my son died I thought his death was the worst pain I could ever possibly experience. I was wrong. Infidelity was more painful and that's saying a lot.
If you are absent during my struggles, don't expect to be present in my success.
36yearsgone (original poster member #60774) posted at 7:42 PM on Wednesday, July 10th, 2019
fareast
36. Thank you for this post. The ten myths are spot on.
Good to see you out there. I recall your entire journey. I hope things are better for you. Gaining some of the weight back after the infidelity weight loss regimen? Good luck.
I have gained some weight back, but I think it's not good weight. Most of it came from drinking myself into oblivion. But I've stopped doing that and now hope for better health.
If you are absent during my struggles, don't expect to be present in my success.
Phoenix1 ( member #38928) posted at 3:27 AM on Thursday, July 11th, 2019
Myth: Affairs are just mistakes made by flawed humans.
No mistake. Unless the WS was drugged, unconscious, or forced by gunpoint to have sex with someone else, affairs are conscious choices. And unless it was a ONS/single incident, they are repeated conscious choices. A mistake is forgetting to pick up milk at the grocery store.
fBS - Me
Xhole - Multiple LTAs/2 OCs over 20+yrs
Adult Kids
Happily divorced!
You can't go back and change the beginning, but you can start where you are and change the ending. ~C.S. Lewis~
36yearsgone (original poster member #60774) posted at 3:35 AM on Thursday, July 11th, 2019
No mistake. Unless the WS was drugged, unconscious, or forced by gunpoint to have sex with someone else, affairs are conscious choices. And unless it was a ONS/single incident, they are repeated conscious choices. A mistake is forgetting to pick up milk at the grocery store.
Absolutely right.
If you are absent during my struggles, don't expect to be present in my success.
marriageredux959 ( member #69375) posted at 6:06 AM on Thursday, July 11th, 2019
This:
I think the biggest myth many of us believe is that our behavior can control the behavior of someone else. Therefore, we believe can can "affair-proof" the marriage, "nice" our WS into returning to the marriage or otherwise control their behavior with ours.
The hardest reality I think is to understand that our spouses/partners made a conscious choice. They weighed (however briefly) the pros and cons and made the choice.
...and this:
Myth: They didn’t really want to do it they just got caught up in the moment .
Fact: They did want to regardless of whether they got caught up in the moment or someone pursued them or they were intoxicated or even if they won’t admit they wanted it or whatever.
They WANTED to and they were willing to LIE to you to do it. They valued you, the marriage, themselves so little that is what they did because they wanted it. To me, reconciling that is the worst part of it. The want.
...and this:
Myth: Affairs are just mistakes made by flawed humans.
No mistake. Unless the WS was drugged, unconscious, or forced by gunpoint to have sex with someone else, affairs are conscious choices. And unless it was a ONS/single incident, they are repeated conscious choices. A mistake is forgetting to pick up milk at the grocery store.
These things, these three things, this is *exactly* where I am stuck. Have been stuck for a year. Remain stuck. Not sure I will ever get unstuck, in this relationship, with this man.
Of course, there are concomitant problems with which we continue to struggle as well. I still haven't figured out if the infidelity was the chicken or the egg, or a little of both. Is the infidelity the problem? Or simply a symptom?
What's interesting to me along these lines is/was a rather abrupt and supremely enlightening exclamation from Husband some months ago, during an intense discussion.
At that time, Husband insisted that he is not his actions. He is who he thinks he is; he is not what he does.
He was surprised at the magnitude and intensity of my push back on that assumption.
[This message edited by marriageredux959 at 12:36 AM, July 11th (Thursday)]
I was once a June bride.
I am now a June phoenix.
The phoenix is more powerful.
The Bride is Dead.
Long Live The Phoenix.
RealityBlows ( member #41108) posted at 6:15 PM on Thursday, July 11th, 2019
Another Myth The Public Clings to In A Blame The Victim Mentality:
When a man cheats, he’s just a cheating dog.
When a woman cheats, her needs were not being met or, he was not tending his garden at home.
[This message edited by RealityBlows at 1:57 PM, July 11th (Thursday)]
"If nothing in life matters, then all that matters is what we do."
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