SurvivingInfidelity.com® > New Beginnings

Talon2019 posted 7/5/2019 14:47 PM

So I’ve decided to dip my toes in the water. I have realized that my marriage has been over for a long time and he has taken so many years; he doesn’t get to take any more time from me.
I’m meeting a man for drinks tonight. We’ll see how it goes! I’m going to purpose myself to not talk about my STBXWH and just focus on me, what I like, what I need and the same things for the other person. He knows I’m not divorced yet, and seems to understand that it is truly over.
I’m so nervous! I know it’s just drinks. And I don’t think I want anything more than that... I really just want to see what it’s like. Am I horrible for this? Is it wrong to “rebound” in this way? I just want to get a few awkward first dates out of the way so when I’m ready to get serious, it’s easier.
Any tips? Any advice?

WhoTheBleep posted 7/5/2019 16:12 PM

No advice, as I couldn't even imagine talking to a man until I was totally ready to date. Are you sure you want to do this?

OK, if so, do NOT mention your STBX or your shit show of a marriage. No man wants to hear about that. At least not in the beginning. Be upfront about what you are doing by meeting him, as in just dipping your toes in. If he is looking for a relationship you do not want to lead him on.

Good luck.

WhoTheBleep posted 7/5/2019 16:20 PM

Okay I just read your profile. Are you me? I literally discovered dozens of affairs over 17 years, Just like you. How is it you even have the desire to be with another man right now? I say this very gently. You have been traumatized. You likely don't even know which end is up. you even stated in your profile that you have hope for your marriage (think long and hard about that by the way, I reconciled for 2 years before pulling the plug. That much infidelity indicates serious mental issues that cannot be overcome. Once I realized that, I left.)

At the minimum this date is a rebound. At most it is revenge. I'll reiterate, your date needs to be aware of this. Maybe he's just looking for a fling and won't care. My main concern is with you and your mental health and your healing. A new man is not going to heal you. Are you in IC? How are you doing mentally? Were you already done with your marriage before you found out about the cheating? Is the cheating an easy out?

Man I sound harsh, but I'm really asking with genuine concern and curiosity. I've been exactly where you are (infidelity-wise) and it took me a very long time to get my head screwed on straight again.

Again, good luck and please update whatever happens!!

[This message edited by WhoTheBleep at 9:29 PM, July 5th (Friday)]

Shehawk posted 7/5/2019 19:46 PM

I am taking time to heal and avoiding mad hatting. I highly recommend it on multiple levels. I am gaining clarity and distance and it feels good.
I am spending time with friends and practicing my conversation skills especially not talking about my missing spouse.

I am big on integrity so also honest with men when they approach me...in my case that I am not in the dating pool because I am still legally married.

Mnvatxmnsd posted 7/5/2019 21:18 PM

I was truly ready much sooner than WTB, we are all very different. I was married for 9 years, DD was 2 years ago to this month. Divorced 5 months later and started dating about 6 months later. We are all different and have to go with what feels right for each of us. I was a ridiculous mess after DD but I it turns out I was resilient and came back quickly. Everyone heals at a different pace.

Mnvatxmnsd posted 7/5/2019 21:20 PM

Ok just saw your tag line. Day les than a month? Crazy way too soon. Definitely sounds like you may have wanted our for a while

Talon2019 posted 7/6/2019 12:30 PM

Ok, you guys are all totally right. TOO SOON. The date was weird and awkward and he kissed me and I wanted to throw up. I think I was looking for a rebound or revenge or just trying to fill the loneliness void. I met another man today over coffee that I was much more up-front with in regards to my situation and told him I’m really just looking for friends. (My STBXWH has me so isolated, I don’t have any friends nearby.). This man today is also an empath, very kind, and very good with being friends. I realized that’s all I’m looking for. A friend. So yeah... not gonna try the date thing again for AWHILE. Thanks all!

WhoTheBleep posted 7/6/2019 13:38 PM

Glad to read this, Talon! Friends are OK. Just maintain your boundaries. You are ripe pickings for the WRONG MAN right now. You need to build your own life and get strong. Keep posting and let us know how you are doing.

JanaGreen posted 7/9/2019 22:48 PM

Big hugs talon. Glad you are feeling some clarity!!!