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17 years together and I think my wife has a black preference

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nekonamida posted 7/5/2019 14:00 PM

Keeping hammering it home that you know there's more and you know that she's lying. If she asks you how, tell her it doesn't matter but that you know for a fact she isn't being honest. And even through it out there that she can date and sleep with whoever she wants but not as your wife. She can lie about it and hide it as much as she wants too but not as your wife. Make it clear - she tells you the truth or you will file for D. The choice is hers.

Tren0R201 posted 7/5/2019 15:27 PM

sounds like she's a sex addict for black men.
that may be "incurable".

Can you be a "sex addict" when you don't actually have sex with anybody

And are fetishes a matter of "curing"?

How exactly is it "incurable"..besides trying to needle the OP..

HeHadADoubleLife posted 7/5/2019 15:35 PM

Can you be a "sex addict" when you don't actually have sex with anybody
I know it sounds ridiculous, but yes. Compulsive masturbation is real, and it is one of the many compulsive behaviors that falls under the SA header. It's a blanket term that covers all compulsive behaviors of a sexual nature, not necessarily just sex.

Not an excuse. Still totally fucked up that she's doing all of this. But sorry, when you are masturbating anywhere and everywhere you can, including your workplace during your own working hours, as well as your car while you're driving, that is a compulsion.

ETA a word for clarification

[This message edited by HeHadADoubleLife at 3:41 PM, July 5th (Friday)]

strugglebus posted 7/5/2019 15:51 PM

Your wife is masturbating in closets at work. This is not normal behavior in the least, in fact most places that is a criminal offense if she is caught, and at very least a fireable offense.

This isn't about preference. Sexual preference doesn't lead you down that road. She is compulsive. She is lying to your face. She is minimizing your feelings. These are big red flags.

havequestions posted 7/5/2019 17:52 PM

She is garbage

66charger posted 7/5/2019 18:54 PM

Preferences and fantasy/taboo are 2 different things. Your wife could very well "prefer" everything you offer, but has a dark side, no pun intended. For example my wife has a slight bondage and exhibitionist side to her sexuality. While she clearly prefers the love and safety of the "normal", the other side does exist.

Figure out your dealbreaker. If all that has transpired is not worthy of an immediate divorce, the next step is getting her to open up and stop hiding. Dragging these things out of women is like pulling teeth. They can be so ingrained to the Madonna that they will not open up unless they feel 100% safe or are forced to do so. Her instinct is to lie because she is afraid you will divorce her.

Have another talk with your wife. Start the conversation by stating that as long as this never went to a PA, divorce is off the table. Tell her not to assume you do not know everything and lying will lead to a consultation with a lawyer. Show her a way to tell you the truth.

Address the broken boundaries first. Fantasy or preferences, she is a married woman. If you read her diaries and there was no mention of actual sex, then it did not happen. However the flirting and touching is a boundary that she has crossed. Tell her to picture you behaving in that way. Let her know that you also had opportunities but if she thinks that is ok for her, then it is ok for you. I will guarantee the thought of you touching another woman will make her blood boil. That behaviour alone is worthy of a divorce.

Race as it deals with sexuality is usually more of a taboo/perception fantasy. You can not turn into a black guy, but in reality, you do not have to. It may be more about the taking, than the skin color. The masturbating may be a compulsion but it may also be a exhibitionist/naughty kink.

If you guys can work thru this, understand that you will never be able to control her thoughts. However you can exchange one taboo for another. If she would dare think about having sex with anyone else other than you, make sure she pays for that thought...with a little bit of rope.

babypuke posted 7/5/2019 19:51 PM

Yeah she did not have sex with those men - while she easily can but does not do it - and you and her had good physical intimacy until you became angry so it also did not really affect your relationship until now.

As long as this is all, I would not consider this cheating, although I do understand that it may feel as a threat and unhealthy and therefore mutual understanding is key here.

I compliment you for wanting her to be happy, she is still with you and no PA so it is you who makes her happy? Further, to be honest, have you never masturbated while thinking of another woman?

Do not throw your marriage away in anger, strength!

steadychevy posted 7/5/2019 20:10 PM

I think many people have fantasies. I think those that are dealt with in a healthy way at shared with their spouse/SO. No secrets. This doesn't sound "normal (whatever that is) to me but more of an obsession especially with masturbation at work. When do the fantasies need to be acted out in real life?

allusions posted 7/6/2019 23:16 PM

Her behavior is dangerous and out of control. It's just a matter of time before she's caught pleasuring herself in the supply closet or breakroom and she's out of a job.

She's not committed to your marriage. She sounds very selfish and immature, chasing down dozens of male co-workers and being "in love" with several.

The1stWife posted 7/7/2019 06:36 AM

dating black men is bad, that they would likely contract STDs, and that they would be considered "damaged goods" to white men if they found out they had slept with black men

Iím sorry but this is odd b/c my dad used to say the same thing to me when I started dating my H in college. Yes my H is black. I am not. He is the only non-white person I dated.

Needless to say my parents were not accepting for many years. Now married 31 years. They got over it eventually.

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