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Emotional Divorce

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Fantayworld posted 6/27/2019 17:24 PM

I will not start anymore threads. I am embarrassed that I obviously am coming across as pathetic and blind. That view of me is kind of sobering. I have taken your advice which is why my little support group put together our plan.

NorthernMSB,

This made me sad to read. I hope that you will continue to start threads and update us with your situation. I never thought you were complaining or whining. You are not pathetic or blind! PLEASE do not be embarrassed. You have no reason to be!

I just want you to know that although you may not realize it, your post and the responses you received have helped me to see my own situation more clearly.

I can understand why you feel the way you do about the replies; but, it is very clear to me that everyone cares about YOU and wants the best for YOU. Sometimes it doesn't feel that way.

You are moving forward and have a plan to start detaching. I can speak from experience that is very difficult to do during IHS but it can be done.

crazyblindsided posted 6/27/2019 18:30 PM

I am living this parallel lives arrangement. It works for people our age, or at least for me it works. We spend quite a bit of time apart because I worked my butt off and now we have two homes and a RV. Soo, we are cordial. When we happen to be in the same place, I do the traditional stuff, cooking, cleaning, laundry. He continues to work because he derives self worth from providing financially. We do family things together with kids and inlaws. Holidays and celebrations. Nothing romantic, ever. That makes me uncomfortable.
When we're not together, who knows what hes doing or who hes doing it with. Occasionally he says something about being lonely, or his feelings, or something. I tune it out. The key to all of this is, I DONT CARE. But the trick is to not come out and say that. I dont need to be mean. I dont hate him. I just have my own life now, separate from him. Emotionally divorced.

The really sad part is I was really in love with him and happily ignorantly married before DDay. I thought we'd grow old together, two old people still holding hands.

I can echo the above. We are living parallel lives as well. It's doable. I'm not exactly thriving but I am surviving and I'm happy.

Odonna posted 6/27/2019 19:56 PM

Northern,

Please accept my apology for offending you. I did not intend to do so. My concern for you, born of compassion, is that you cannot internalize any of the advice given to you. You seem doomed to stay no matter what, and when the agony overtakes you, you post very similar primal screams here. But note my words there; I am not saying you are ”whining.” I recognize you are in agony. And that is real to you. Because you have already decided that you will never leave him.

Please, please find a good counselor and explore all this in depth.

All the best.

cocoplus5nuts posted 6/27/2019 20:16 PM

I made the comment about a normal relationship because you said in a previous post that you thought it was normal. If you were saying that you thought it was normal in the past, I did not understand that.

Odonna posted 6/27/2019 20:22 PM

PS: you started this thread saying: “Still having a very hard time. Thrown right back into my eating disorder mentality, HB definitely over, he is NOT interested in me at all, been over 2 1/2 months since he even held my hand. He will not discuss anything anymore period. I am still drowning.
So I texted WH yesterday “I’m not doing well Mr.MSB”

I got back...

C’mon MSB why, what’s triggering this now, today are we divorcing again. You know you are not the only person in this relationship that’s had to deal with a lot of shit,so you are not the only one suffering in this relationship.”

So, very gently, yes, you still are reaching out to him hoping for tenderness and attention in reply, yet knowing in your heart that he will be cruel.

Maybe you really have decided to stop now? Was that truly the very last time you beg him to be there for you?

I truly wish that your hope that he would finally respond differently - with the compassion and tenderness and humility and love that you deserve— would come true... but it will not.

NorthernMSB posted 6/27/2019 21:43 PM

You are all right of course. I have made a mess of it and a fool of myself wasting my life in this marriage for nothing really.

I am sorry I have overshared. I am completely alone in this situation because I have allowed my life circumstances to create isolation. I have 0 friends, moved too much, raising my kids, and have been working for what seems like my whole life multiple jobs at a time. No time for something as frivolous as friends or socializing. My Mother was my best friend and she is dead 12 years now. My dad is dying and not an emotional man. My sister is across the country and her problems are always the topic of conversation, not mine. Always been that way.

My husband is obviously not a support. So I just laid all this ugliness out here to strangers because I am alone. You are right odonna when it overwhelms me I have come on here and I'm sure I sound deranged and worse, stupid. One of those people you want to shake because they don't seem to get what is happening in their own lives.

And yes. I catch myself wanting more, even just a soft place to put my head down and rest in moments of weakness. I am terrified right now because of a health crisis and God help me, I reached for him. Stupid. And I won't do it again.

You are all right about everything.


[This message edited by NorthernMSB at 10:50 PM, June 27th (Thursday)]

OwningItNow posted 6/27/2019 22:46 PM

NorthernMSB, you are wonderful and honest and strong and cool. Stay with us here on SI. We'll figure it out together.

Odonna posted 6/27/2019 23:25 PM

Please share about your health issue. Many people here ALREADY care about you, so just let it all out.

And when you get hard feedback, from me or anyone else, it is just that we want to shake you into a better mental state.

cocoplus5nuts posted 6/28/2019 07:30 AM

((MSB))

Chrysalis123 posted 6/28/2019 08:03 AM

N-MSB, you didn't make a fool of yourself. You did the best you could with what you knew at the time.

Now that you know more, you will choose differently.

Everyone posting on your threads is taking time out of their life to help you, because they want to be helpful. They have no agenda other than helping others not just survive infidelity, but to thrive afterwards.

We all care about you, and because most of us that are posting have dealt with situations similar to yours we can predict what is probably going on. These types of WS are fairly predictable.

So, take what you want and leave the rest.

[This message edited by Chrysalis123 at 8:44 AM, June 28th (Friday)]

sisoon posted 6/28/2019 08:37 AM

I have made a mess of it
No, no, no, no, no. Your H chooses not to grow up. Your H chooses to blame you for his issues. Your H cheated.

Your H made the mess.

and a fool of myself
For loving a man who can't take love in? You are not a fool.

wasting my life in this marriage for nothing really.
As Chrys says, you made the best decision you could with the info you had. Now you know your H. Now you can make different choices.

(((NMSB)))

Odonna posted 6/28/2019 09:22 AM

I do hope the health crisis resolves soon and without complications. Please do share about that and anything else you want. You are not a fool, and not stupid, and you have not “over-shared” here. This is always a place to come in your hardest moments.

But do read back over your threads and see the commonality both in your posts and in all the hundreds of comments you have received.

I think those who have adopted “parallel lives” make it work because they have successfully detached. They no longer want closeness and affection with their WS. They tolerate him or her for financial, health, or age-related reasons. You are not detached at all. Maybe you want to get there, but many of us are concerned that you will not be able to do that, and instead will just continue to live in agony, desperate for a glimpse of the inner man who really just exists in your memory and imagination, and railing at the cruelty of reality when he says (actually typing it out) that he is “sick of you.”

So my posts are not 2x4s but rather taps from chopsticks to help you think more clearly about where you are and where you want to go in your life. Because it is YOUR LIFE!

KatieKat posted 6/28/2019 09:41 AM

This woman breaks my heart. So young and yet so willing to give up everything important. I sure hope she can keep going and figure out a way to dump that creep.
😭😭😭

Fantayworld posted 6/28/2019 10:15 AM

NMSB,

Thanks for posting your update. You did not overshare! And you certainly are not stupid. It is not wrong to want comfort from your WH in times of stress but you are learning that he is unwilling or unable to give you the comfort and support you are craving.

I understand the part about feeling lonely and being alone in this situation. I also isolated myself completely and have 0 friends. My family is emotionally distant and unavailable - they don't want to hear about my problems. Only weather and dogs for conversation. So I get it. And you are not alone.

I spent 20 years with an abusive NPD WH. I'm learning that I have childhood wounds and abandonment issues that kept me in an unacceptable relationship and with high levels of tolerance for abuse. I didn't even realize I was being abused when I was in the thick of it. This is what I need to accept and heal.

Keep coming back NSB. We are not strangers but friends. We get it because we've been there.

I'm thinking of you and your health scare. Please keep posting so we can be there for you through this overwhelming time.

DevastatedDee posted 6/28/2019 10:47 AM

I will not start anymore threads. I am embarrassed that I obviously am coming across as pathetic and blind. That view of me is kind of sobering. I have taken your advice which is why my little support group put together our plan.

Girl, if you're pathetic and blind, welcome to the club, lol. This is where the pathetic and blind congregate to become strong and independent. This is where we have come to meet fellow brothers and sisters who also walk into this room feeling like a used dumbass. If you're feeling stupid, pathetic and blind, bring it on in and take the hugs. Take the comfort from us as you start to see your spouse for who he is and your life for what it has become. These words that make you feel dumb are wisdom from many who also woke up one day feeling dumb and confused.

The most precious gift you can receive here from all of the upsetting feedback is clarity and from clarity comes strength and determination. The journey sucks, but it is very worth it. As are you.

NorthernMSB posted 6/28/2019 15:50 PM

Sorry for the silence. Been trying to reach a deadline on a project exhausted and unable to concentrate. Thankfully it was scut work not something that required a great deal of brainpower. And the previously mentioned health issue has created some problems today.

OwningItNow: Thank you.

Odonna: I know your feedback wasn’t mean to be anything other than a wake up call; every one else’s as well. And I am awake! I will find out more on Wednesday next week from the specialist and figure out what needs to be done. I have read everything I have written and my journals through this time and it is unbearable to look at sometimes. You get numb as time goes on unless triggered and forget that raw all-encompassing pain from the beginning. Jesus.
I need to do the parallel life situation right now practically and you are right when I am this tired and concerned, I sometimes weaken, but it doesn’t last long emotionally. I wont live in agony, I promise. Just with twinges of regret and maybe a couple crying jags by myself.

cocoplus5nuts: Thank you

Chrysalis123: I am choosing differently but that doesn’t make me feel an less of a complete rube. I pride myself on reading people and situations and boy did I drop the ball in my personal life. It is incredible how tight a hold nostalgia and shared experiences have on you. I appreciate every single person’s time and energy taken to post here for me.

Sisoon: You are right. He chose his path and not to grow up and I loved him. I did make a mess of it since finding out. Thank you very much for helping me take a clearer look.

KatieKat: I will certainly keep going and maybe figure out a better plan eventually to move on entirely. Thank you for commenting.

Fantayworld: I think the lack of close personal friends and looking at what I have written here and cringing at the “oversharing” goes hand in hand. I’m not used to talking about anything about myself and seem to have broken a dam! I’m sure I have issues that have landed me in this situation and kept me here, and honestly would never have characterized what he does as abuse. I see now it is. I am sorry you lived through something similar, it is enough to make you question your sanity. I date on the health thing when I know more.

DevastatedDee: You made me smile, thanks. The used dumbass comment is certainly accurate! I have gained a great deal of clarity and realize up until recently I have been very quietly doing a subtler pick me dance with him. Still handling everything and his life is still very comfortable as I drown. Thank you for giving me the strength to see this all clearly and I am taking the steps I need to start my own journey.

free2016 posted 6/29/2019 04:42 AM

I did it knowing who he was and I didn't even think I could change him or he was really sensitive underneath.

I knew he was a dick but didn't fathom the extent of his arrogance and lack of regard for me.

This two sentences contradict each other. You knew who he was and yet hoped that somehow he would be different with you, that his disrespectful comments towards women would not apply to you, that you would be special to him, kind of fix him or at least soften his attitudes.
Your WH seem to be an emotionally unavailable man right from the beginning of the relationship. This is something to explore in your recovery and now, when you try to emotionally detach from him.

Also, my guess is that it is not him that you are drawn to so much but the idea of romantic marriage with sympathetic, caring and loving husband. Nothing wrong with wanting it but it is clear that your WH was never a man who could provide that. Yet, you can not let go of this dream .. with a man who demonstrated multiple times that he can not do it.

I can relate to this experience to some extent and there are two books that really helped me to understand the dynamic in such relationship and why a woman commits to a man with a lack of emotional maturity.

"Women who love too much" by R Norwood and "From abandonment to healing"by S Anderson. What more important is these books could give you ideas of how to break the cycle and leave unsatisfying relationship or at least emotionally detach and let go of the dream that would never come true.

cancuncrushed posted 6/29/2019 07:54 AM

please don't feel bombarded by too many responses...You are not being singled out....it happens with good intent...

There will be times you get zero responses...

Keep reading...keep coming back....read outside materials...it takes 2-5 years for healing...many times longer....personally after 9 years, I am still learning...

I read at 3:00 am about codependency....I finally reached a new level of understanding...I got it...I have now had more experiences, more trauma in my life, that I could relate to the article more...I often reread things...and many things I disagreed with earlier, are now very clear... sad....but true...

This whole experience is hard...talking about it, and learning about it can be a trigger in itself.

Don't beat yourself up for picking and continuing this relationship....you loved...your heart was good...you ignored the red flags....most of us have.

[This message edited by cancuncrushed at 7:58 AM, June 29th (Saturday)]

notoverit posted 6/29/2019 10:10 AM

NMSB, I got a lot out of your post and appreciate your sharing. I was startled to read the EXACT same words from my WH! Thanks and good luck.

Odonna posted 7/2/2019 22:02 PM

How are you doing Girlfriend?

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