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MoreThanBroken posted 6/18/2019 09:16 AM

Something has been on my mind lately and I'm wondering how others deal with being self-sacrificing after DDay for our WS?

Prior to DDay, the Bryan Adams song "Everything I Do" was my mantra (it was also our wedding song...very difficult to listen to anymore). I tried my best to do everything for the good of our family and for her well being, rarely the selfish actions but certainly there were some.

Post DDay, much of what I do is still for the good of the family, but when I'm at a crossroads of sacrificing or self-serving, I'm more often (or perhaps more than before) choosing the self-serving side of things.

Just curious on how others view this.
-MTB

cocoplus5nuts posted 6/18/2019 09:42 AM

It depends on what you mean by sacrificing and self-serving. If you are talking about CoD, then it's good that you are changing. You need to take care of yourself before you can properly take care of someone else. You need to be healthy first.

Chrysalis123 posted 6/18/2019 09:54 AM

I am a recovering co-dependent. I used to be a people pleaser and was over-loyal even when all evidence pointed to the fact I was rearranging deck chairs on the Titanic when instead I needed to jump ship! I was a mess.

To me, over-giving was normal. It felt weird and wrong to not do so. I had a lot of therapy to help me grow into an adult with healthy boundaries.

So, to answer your question, I think it depends on where you are coming from. For me, I needed to learn to take care of myself. You know, put my own oxygen mask on first. And then do the work to understand why I behaved like I did, and to learn the difference between over-giving and healthy boundaries.

crazyblindsided posted 6/18/2019 11:32 AM

I did too much self-sacrificing after D-Day. Now I worship myself

The1stWife posted 6/18/2019 11:36 AM

MoreThan

Great question or point. Post Affair I can tell you I come before him & marriage. Obviously kids are first and I do sacrifice or compromise.

However I don’t do his chores (like laundry) or errands or things like that. I don’t take on his issues - like he forgot something at home and I go running to bring it to him.

I re-defined my life to stop being the caretaker and maid service. I am his wife - not his mother.

Chaos posted 6/18/2019 12:12 PM

My youngest is an older teen.

So now I have free time. And I am making up for lost time in the hobby department. WH always had hobbies. The kids always had hobbies/activities. I had mom/wife life. Now - I am treating Chaos well. I'm taking time to do things I put on a shelf the entire time I was raising kids and making a home. I did my self sacrifice. Now - I'm loving every minute of life. I'm making new friends, joining in activities, taking time for me. I don't hold myself back.

OwningItNow posted 6/18/2019 13:00 PM

I Do It For You by Bryan Adams

Look into my eyes
You will see
What you mean to me
Search your heart
Search your soul
And when you find me there
You'll search no more

Don't tell me it's not worth tryin' for
You can't tell me it's not worth dyin' for
You know it's true
Everything I do
I do it for you

Look into your heart
You will find
There's nothin' there to hide
Take me as I am
Take my life
I would give it all
I would sacrifice

Don't tell me it's not worth fightin' for
I can't help it, there's nothin' I want more
You know it's true
Everything I do
I do it for you

There's no love
Like your love
And no other
Could give more love
There's nowhere
Unless you're there
All the time
All the way, yeah

Look into your heart, baby

Oh you can't tell me it's not worth tryin' for
I can't help it, there's nothin' I want more
Yeah, I would fight for you
I lie for you
Walk the wire for you
Yeah, I'd die for you

You know it's true
Everything I do
Oh
I do it for you

Everything I do, darling
And we'll see it through
Oh we'll see it through
Oh yeah

Yeah
Look into your heart
Look at your soul
You can't tell me it ain't worth dying for
Oh yeah

I'll be there, yeah
I'll walk the wire for you
I will die for you

Oh yeah

I would die for you

I'm going all the way, all they way, yeah

Love Bryan, but I'm not sure I am in agreement with him on these lyrics, before or after a dday.

Sacrifice? There are the sacrifices that both spouses and parents are supposed to make, like not dating anymore after marriage (ugh), skipping the bars once kids come along, and spending time maintaining the home and family relationships. Are those really sacrifices? Beyond those types of sacrifices, what are we talking about? Did you sacrifice more than your WS prior to dday? Did you squash your own wants to do what she wanted? If so, why? Why would it be necessary or part of a healthy R to sacrifice like that?

Sacrifice is a word that works for me with parenting. But sacrificing in my M? I do not see where that would be necessary.

[This message edited by OwningItNow at 1:03 PM, June 18th (Tuesday)]

cocoplus5nuts posted 6/18/2019 13:06 PM

Sacrifice is a word that works for me with parenting. But sacrificing in my M? I do not see where that would be necessary.

Yep ^^^^^

AngryandhurtinFL posted 6/19/2019 19:52 PM

To answer your question, I am on a family vacation right now, w/o the family. My H doesn't have PTO right now bc he started a new job a couple of months ago. I put my MIL in an asssited living facility for the week (courtesy of Medicaid) and it is just me and my boy. My cousins are coming next month and we will be right back on an extended 4th of July weekend. H was able to get 2 days off to hang out with us. His mother will be in the ALF once again. I started treatung myself to things at this point. No more taking care of everyone else and neglecting myself.