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MoreThanBroken (original poster member #62463) posted at 3:16 PM on Tuesday, June 18th, 2019
Something has been on my mind lately and I'm wondering how others deal with being self-sacrificing after DDay for our WS?
Prior to DDay, the Bryan Adams song "Everything I Do" was my mantra (it was also our wedding song...very difficult to listen to anymore). I tried my best to do everything for the good of our family and for her well being, rarely the selfish actions but certainly there were some.
Post DDay, much of what I do is still for the good of the family, but when I'm at a crossroads of sacrificing or self-serving, I'm more often (or perhaps more than before) choosing the self-serving side of things.
Just curious on how others view this.
-MTB
Me: BS Her: WW - Sayuwontletgo
Married 14 Years, 3 Kids
DDay: Oct. 14, 2017
3yr LTA, Found out years later
AP was a friend
cocoplus5nuts ( member #45796) posted at 3:42 PM on Tuesday, June 18th, 2019
It depends on what you mean by sacrificing and self-serving. If you are talking about CoD, then it's good that you are changing. You need to take care of yourself before you can properly take care of someone else. You need to be healthy first.
Me(BW): 1970
WH(caveman): 1970
Married June, 2000
DDay#1 June 8, 2014 EA
DDay#2 12/05/14 confessed to sex before polygraph
Status: just living my life
Chrysalis123 ( member #27148) posted at 3:54 PM on Tuesday, June 18th, 2019
I am a recovering co-dependent. I used to be a people pleaser and was over-loyal even when all evidence pointed to the fact I was rearranging deck chairs on the Titanic when instead I needed to jump ship! I was a mess.
To me, over-giving was normal. It felt weird and wrong to not do so. I had a lot of therapy to help me grow into an adult with healthy boundaries.
So, to answer your question, I think it depends on where you are coming from. For me, I needed to learn to take care of myself. You know, put my own oxygen mask on first. And then do the work to understand why I behaved like I did, and to learn the difference between over-giving and healthy boundaries.
Someone I once loved gave me/ a box full of darkness/ It took me years to understand/ That this, too, was a gift. - Mary Oliver
Just for the record darling, not all positive changes feel positive in the beginning -S C Lourie
crazyblindsided ( member #35215) posted at 5:32 PM on Tuesday, June 18th, 2019
I did too much self-sacrificing after D-Day. Now I worship myself
fBS/fWS(me):52 Mad-hattered after DD (2008)
XWS:55 Serial Cheater, Diagnosed NPD
DD(22) DS(19)
XWS cheated the entire M spanning 19 years
Discovered D-Days 2006,2008,2012, False R 2014
Separated 9/2019; Divorced 8/2024
The1stWife ( Guide #58832) posted at 5:36 PM on Tuesday, June 18th, 2019
MoreThan
Great question or point. Post Affair I can tell you I come before him & marriage. Obviously kids are first and I do sacrifice or compromise.
However I don’t do his chores (like laundry) or errands or things like that. I don’t take on his issues - like he forgot something at home and I go running to bring it to him.
I re-defined my life to stop being the caretaker and maid service. I am his wife - not his mother.
Survived two affairs and brink of Divorce. Happily reconciled. 12 years out from Dday. Reconciliation takes two committed people to be successful.
Chaos ( member #61031) posted at 6:12 PM on Tuesday, June 18th, 2019
My youngest is an older teen.
So now I have free time. And I am making up for lost time in the hobby department. WH always had hobbies. The kids always had hobbies/activities. I had mom/wife life. Now - I am treating Chaos well. I'm taking time to do things I put on a shelf the entire time I was raising kids and making a home. I did my self sacrifice. Now - I'm loving every minute of life. I'm making new friends, joining in activities, taking time for me. I don't hold myself back.
BS-me/WH-4.5yrLTA Married 2+ decades-2 adult children. Multiple DDays w/same LAP until I told OBS 2018- Cease & Desist sent spring 2021 "Hello–My name is Chaos–You f***ed my husband-Prepare to Die!"
OwningItNow ( member #52288) posted at 7:00 PM on Tuesday, June 18th, 2019
I Do It For You by Bryan Adams
Look into my eyes
You will see
What you mean to me
Search your heart
Search your soul
And when you find me there
You'll search no more
Don't tell me it's not worth tryin' for
You can't tell me it's not worth dyin' for
You know it's true
Everything I do
I do it for you
Look into your heart
You will find
There's nothin' there to hide
Take me as I am
Take my life
I would give it all
I would sacrifice
Don't tell me it's not worth fightin' for
I can't help it, there's nothin' I want more
You know it's true
Everything I do
I do it for you
There's no love
Like your love
And no other
Could give more love
There's nowhere
Unless you're there
All the time
All the way, yeah
Look into your heart, baby
Oh you can't tell me it's not worth tryin' for
I can't help it, there's nothin' I want more
Yeah, I would fight for you
I lie for you
Walk the wire for you
Yeah, I'd die for you
You know it's true
Everything I do
Oh
I do it for you
Everything I do, darling
And we'll see it through
Oh we'll see it through
Oh yeah
Yeah
Look into your heart
Look at your soul
You can't tell me it ain't worth dying for
Oh yeah
I'll be there, yeah
I'll walk the wire for you
I will die for you
Oh yeah
I would die for you
I'm going all the way, all they way, yeah
Love Bryan, but I'm not sure I am in agreement with him on these lyrics, before or after a dday.
Sacrifice? There are the sacrifices that both spouses and parents are supposed to make, like not dating anymore after marriage (ugh), skipping the bars once kids come along, and spending time maintaining the home and family relationships. Are those really sacrifices? Beyond those types of sacrifices, what are we talking about? Did you sacrifice more than your WS prior to dday? Did you squash your own wants to do what she wanted? If so, why? Why would it be necessary or part of a healthy R to sacrifice like that?
Sacrifice is a word that works for me with parenting. But sacrificing in my M? I do not see where that would be necessary.
[This message edited by OwningItNow at 1:03 PM, June 18th (Tuesday)]
me: BS/WS h: WS/BS
Reject the rejector. Do not reject yourself.
cocoplus5nuts ( member #45796) posted at 7:06 PM on Tuesday, June 18th, 2019
Sacrifice is a word that works for me with parenting. But sacrificing in my M? I do not see where that would be necessary.
Yep ^^^^^
Me(BW): 1970
WH(caveman): 1970
Married June, 2000
DDay#1 June 8, 2014 EA
DDay#2 12/05/14 confessed to sex before polygraph
Status: just living my life
AngryandhurtinFL ( member #56503) posted at 1:52 AM on Thursday, June 20th, 2019
To answer your question, I am on a family vacation right now, w/o the family. My H doesn't have PTO right now bc he started a new job a couple of months ago. I put my MIL in an asssited living facility for the week (courtesy of Medicaid) and it is just me and my boy. My cousins are coming next month and we will be right back on an extended 4th of July weekend. H was able to get 2 days off to hang out with us. His mother will be in the ALF once again. I started treatung myself to things at this point. No more taking care of everyone else and neglecting myself.
Me: BS 42
Him:WH 46
Married 13+ yrs
DS 4 yrs old
AP: A coked out chickenhead felon.
DDAY #1 Nov 2016
DDAY #2-3 (due to TT) 12/2016 and Jan 2017
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