"You can survive this. Talk to others that have"

Praxidike posted 5/30/2019 10:23 AM

My story is in my profile, mostly. I'm in a new state, unemployed, no support system. Missing my friends, my job, my group meetings, two of my children. I struggle with major depression. I'm not liking that my age now begins with a five, and that I don't seem to have much to show for the last, oh say..thirtyish years except my children. I know in my head, intellectually, that this isn't true, that I haven't wasted thirty years, that age is just a number, but my heart insists I've wasted at least the last ten years.

I found new information about my SAWH's last affair, at least a year long, probably a few months more. He has consistently denied going away with her, but AP publicly posted a narrated little video of their cosy weekend getaway nest complete with a shot of our vehicle & his weekend bag, which is unmistakably, undeniably his. In my gut I knew he didn't go away alone, but finding a video has spun me around & dumped my heart in the trash. I confronted him, he explained, blah, blah, blah, then told me he isn't responsible for my feelings. Great. Thanks. Truthfully, I didn't expect much more than that from him, but words hurt.

I just need a shoulder to cry on I guess. I know what I should do, what I ought to do, but finding the energy to get up and do it? Hasn't happened yet.

Thanks for listening.

SaddestDad posted 5/30/2019 10:32 AM

Shit, I'm sorry Prax.
If you don't mind me asking, why/when did you relocate to a new state?
Is it close enough to drive to your origin state to visit with friends/family?

Charity411 posted 5/30/2019 10:41 AM

You haven't wasted the last 10 years. They were necessary to get you moving in the right direction. From reading your profile, I think you have all the tools to move on with your life without him.

Sometimes our depression keeps us from leaving a situation that is actually the root of our depression. Have you explored moving back to your home state where your other two children are? Maybe check with your previous employer there and see if you can go back. Or maybe they can refer you to other job opportunities. You have to start somewhere. Sometimes the first step is the hardest.

He has proven he isn't going to change, and it is not your responsibility to change him. You have to start putting yourself first. You've lived with this for far too long in my opinion. The only thing worse than being alone, is being alone while in a relationship.

Praxidike posted 5/30/2019 10:47 AM

Hi SaddestDad, thanks for posting. I moved with him as a last attempt to make the marriage work. Totally new location, no family or friends here. No triggers for me, no 'warm fuzzies' for him. A clean slate, as it were. I underestimated how much I'd miss my kids, and how much my job gave me respite from my marriage. It's four hundred miles from our new location to our kids' town.

tushnurse posted 5/30/2019 10:55 AM

Call an attorney get an appointment.

Call your former employer ask when you can start back up again.

Go open your own bank account and take half of whatever is in shared checking and savings.

Pack your stuff and head home.

He is clearly broken and unwilling to own his shit and do his work.

Stop w/ the wasted time and the "Coulda" "Shoulda" s. Start fresh today. You deserve much more.

((((And strength))))

sewardak posted 5/30/2019 10:57 AM

keep making baby steps in the right direction. You know that direction is away from him.

FEEL posted 5/30/2019 11:13 AM

Firstly, it's never any fun to be in this situation. However this site is full of people with an abundance of experience in this subject and a lot of great advice.

As for your thoughts, that's all they are is just thoughts. And the great part of it all is you get to control those thoughts. You can choose to think you've wasted the last ten years or you can choose to think you've tried the best you can.

No triggers for me, no 'warm fuzzies' for him. A clean slate, as it were

I think the issue here is while the "slate" may be clean in terms of surroundings, the internal slate in him and underlying issue he has has not changed and no matter what the external environment is he's still prone to whatever drove him to this in the first place.

So you can think about the last 10, 30 years as much as you want and whatever context you want to. You can't get that back. What you can do is make a choice on how you want to live today. How you want to live tomorrow. How you want to live next week, month, year and so on.

No one can make this change for you. People can tell you should and/or it seems like you already know what you ought to do. Only you, however, can do it. If you don't you may be posting here in another ten years and then that 30 years will turn into 40 and then the 10 will turn into 20.

I know it can seem daunting to make this change, but that is just a thought too which you can control. In my case I thought it would be difficult for a long time. Then one day I woke up and said the challenge of leaving the marriage was easier than spending another day in a marriage with someone who wasn't capable of true R and putting in the work. It wasn't without it's challenges, but with out a doubt I know it was the right thing vs. adding another day, week, month, year onto a broken marriage.

ThisIsSoLonely posted 5/30/2019 11:46 AM

I completely understand the new state/no friends issue. My situation is similar to yours except that when d-day2 hit I had just finished the 1st day of my new job in the new state (and signed a 2 year contract which to break would be very difficult to explain on my resume - people who know and understand my current position and field of work completely agree that to quit/leave would be damn close to career suicide) so I am stuck.

I don't have a lot of specific advice except that if you can move back to where you were that it's worth considering. In the meantime try to get out and get involved in things for YOU. Look for groups to volunteer with just to get some social interaction. I KNOW this is easier said than done as if you are like me, just the prospect of going out and trying to be happy with other people that you don't know sounds miserable - and sometimes it is *sigh* but other-times once I've gotten myself out there I have enjoyed myself, even if it is just for a few hours. I can say that the relief I have felt at those times just to be "myself" has been really nice.

There is a reason for my name on here - This IS so lonely - and in positions like yours and mine where you have no support system, it can really grate on you and drag you down to places you didn't think you could go.

Make yourself your Plan A - that's all you can do really, ever. So even if it's a long term goal start working on that. When you feel like you have options not EVERY day seems quite so miserable.

Praxidike posted 5/30/2019 12:01 PM

Sometimes our depression keeps us from leaving a situation that is actually the root of our depression..You have to start somewhere. Sometimes the first step is the hardest.

I hadn't thought about the situation being the cause for my depression, Charity411, but I think you're probably right.

He is clearly broken and unwilling to own his shit and do his work.

Thank you for saying this, TushNurse. It's so true, yet hearing it from strangers makes those words stronger. You posted an action plan, thank you.

You know that direction is away from him.

Yes, sewardak, I agree.

No one can make this change for you.

FEELS, much of what you said resonated with me, but this in particular is crucial. I live too much in my head & I fall down the rabbit hole too often.

Clearly I need a plan and I need to act on it.

SaddestDad posted 5/30/2019 12:43 PM

I moved with him as a last attempt to make the marriage work.

Totally new location, no family or friends here.

No triggers for me, no 'warm fuzzies' for him.

A clean slate, as it were.

The problem with a clean slate (which I'm also in the early-stage process of learning) is that when there's an absence of light, darkness exists.
I'm learning with the help of all the people here that I need to focus on myself by putting myself into work and friends (pun unintended, putting myself into friends would be BAD lol) helps keep the darkness at bay. Since I spend so much time out in the field, what I've started trying to do is call at least one friend or acquaintance a day to reconnect. It's definitely hard for me to do, but maybe that's something that could help you too?

If you are active (or planning to be) on LinkedIn, I'd suggest to see if there's any upcoming LinkedInLocal events planned close to your area, as you're bound to meet home-based solopreneurs or retirees that are local and could become friends.

Since you said it's a rural location I ask, has HE researched into local SA meetings & is he aware/sympathetic to your spiral?

Is there any way for you to obtain a position at the same company (which may or may not be a good suggestion, just spitballing here...) or a local business to keep occupied?

northeasternarea posted 5/30/2019 17:02 PM

I confronted him, he explained, blah, blah, blah, then told me he isn't responsible for my feelings.

I am so sorry. It doesn't sound like you WH has done any real work. Can you look into getting your job back?

Praxidike posted 5/30/2019 18:01 PM

SaddestDad & NortheasternArea, you're both right. If I don't light my own lamp, I'll be sitting in the darkness needlessly. I'm planning to contact my former employer & find out if I can return if only on a part-time basis at first. The closest location is just over an hour away, but the benefits are good. I'll start putting my ducks in order for that tomorrow.

As for SAWH, he decided he isn't an SA & therefore doesn't need a CSAT or SA specific counseling. He was in regular therapy in our home state, but this has lapsed here. At this point, I feel like I'm planning to shut the door on this relationship and I'm not willing to put the energy in to fight with him over a CSAT or S-Anon.

CoderMom posted 5/31/2019 21:37 PM

Start with counseling? Even if just for yourself for a while, to gather emotional strength, but both of you if he will go, would be helpful.

Many prayers!

pureheartkit posted 6/1/2019 08:36 AM

Never get down on yourself for trying. You're still here and you have worth. 50s is an achievement. Natural humans in the wild were mostly dead by their 40s and also in early civilization times. There's a lot of good life to be had yet. If you care for yourself, you can have 20 great years ahead at least. That's a lot of time. Think of how long it seemed as a child until you were 20.

After 50 most women are getting clear about what they want from life and are often starting new paths. It's completely natural. Embrace it and don't feel regrets. It's like high school kids going off to college or college grads starting new directions. Transition happens at different times in our lives. Find someplace where you being there makes a difference. You've got a lot of good to give.

nekonamida posted 6/1/2019 12:33 PM

At this point, I feel like I'm planning to shut the door on this relationship and I'm not willing to put the energy in to fight with him over a CSAT or S-Anon.

You're right. Fighting with him isn't worth it. Talking to him may not even be worth it right now. He's making it crystal clear that he's perfect and the only one with a problem here is you. Completely untrue of course but it does seem like what he believes given how he's acting.

Check out the 180 in the healing library and follow it while you get your ducks in a row. After 9 years with repeated DDays and false R, it is time to slam that door shut right on him.

Praxidike posted 6/3/2019 12:39 PM

CoderMom, I'm planning to resume EMDR therapy soon to help me settle myself internally some more. I just need to find a good one. Thanks for the prayers.

Think of how long it seemed as a child until you were 20. After 50 most women are getting clear about what they want from life and are often starting new paths. It's completely natural. Embrace it and don't feel regrets.

I think this is a big part of where I am. I was a very traditional woman for a long, long time. For most of my adulthood I felt like it was my duty, my purpose, my identity caring for others, my kids, SAWH. It's MY time now. I really don't want to spend any more of my emotional energy on him/us. I'm tired of playing house mouse with a man who has no problem fucking anything that moves. I need to get my ducks in a row. Start making plans.

Nekonamida,

You're right. Fighting with him isn't worth it. Talking to him may not even be worth it right now. He's making it crystal clear that he's perfect and the only one with a problem here is you. Completely untrue of course but it does seem like what he believes given how he's acting.

Check out the 180 in the healing library and follow it while you get your ducks in a row. After 9 years with repeated DDays and false R, it is time to slam that door shut right on him.

This is so true. He has repeatedly shown me he doesn't give two shits, why waste my time? Part of me just can't accept that he doesn't care, but she's just going to have to take a backseat & stfu. Is it too much to ask for a H who is emotionally aware? I already know the answer to that. I was very damaged and very young when we married, and now I need to move on.