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Unnecessary risks after D

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AbandonedGuy posted 5/27/2019 22:37 PM

So this may be due to my unique circumstances of no R plus no kids, but did anyone else enter into a period of higher risk behaviors? I wouldn't say destructive, in my case at least, because so far no negative repercussions, but I've really found myself saying Yes to one risky thing after another in a kind of escalation. IMO, it's part "might as well do all the things I can while free to do so" mixed with "none of this matters". Hedonism + nihilism, but with a heavy helping of self preservation still very much in play.

DesertLily posted 5/28/2019 07:54 AM

I think it's more common than not to exhibit self-destructive behaviors after being betrayed. Many BSes start drinking heavily, some even have an RA. Some start cutting, some destroy property, and the list goes on and on.

Some BSes realize that they gotta get a handle on themselves and seek out IC rather quickly. For some, the self sabotage continues until they get into serious trouble. Some never come out of it.

Regardless, the desire to hurt ourselves (conscious or unconscious) stems from a lack of self-love, self-respect, and/or self-esteem. Which is no surprise. After all, our sense of self worth takes a huge hit after discovering betrayal.

The best way to overcome self-sabatoge is to start investing in yourself. Rebuild your self-esteem. Value you. Because you are worth it!

[This message edited by DesertLily at 7:55 AM, May 28th (Tuesday)]

Comikazi posted 5/28/2019 17:29 PM

Who’s to say what’s “normal” behavior, and what’s risky to you might be totally different to someone else, but my situation was the same as yours. No R, no kids, lead to divorce. I drank a fair bit but kept it under control, I engaged in a lot of retail therapy and a lot of casual dating even though I knew the relationships were going nowhere. Risky? Maybe. But I think as long as you’re comfortable with what you’re doing and you’re not hurting anyone, is it risky? And is it it abnormal for you? I think it’s normal to branch out, rebrand and discover the new you. For me it was a huge learning experience over the last 18 months or so.

AbandonedGuy posted 5/28/2019 20:20 PM

As open as I am about my life, this one I'm playing close to the chest. The bottom line is I'm letting loose pretty ravenously over here and can see a very hedonistic path laid out in front of me.

HoldingTogether posted 5/28/2019 20:49 PM

I don’t know about self-destructive or unnecessary risks... but I do know that my give-a-fuck got up and went. Jumped out of a plane, fucked up my job and didn’t much give a shit about that, moved halfway across the country.

I think I was in a “well it couldn’t possibly get any worse” kind of place. Which, I gotta say, was remarkably freeing.

Not a good long term life style probably though.

hopeandnohope posted 5/28/2019 22:10 PM

I did something risky after his affair. I booked a trip to Mexico and had the sleeve, which makes your stomach smaller. My family thought I would die there. Lol Don't think I cared at the time if I did.

Anyway, I doubt I would have done surgery, in another Country, for $3,800 just to lose 25 lbs if the affair didnt happen. But, 5 years later I have NO regrets.

Hope your risky behavior is rewarding and you have no regrets years down the road.


pureheartkit posted 5/28/2019 22:17 PM

Set a limit and then pause. Consider. Give yourself some time to make sure you aren't using it as an escape or an addiction to excitement.

Be sure it's not going to hurt anyone else.

You will live with any consequences so bring that into your consideration.

Hawke posted 5/28/2019 22:30 PM

I went through a period post-liberation, er, I mean separation, when I questioned whether I was having some kind of mid-life crisis. I was covering all the “musts”, but ignoring some of the “shoulds”. I took a promotion at work, spent money frivolously, had more “interesting” sex, and adopted a bit of a YOLO attitude. Then, I remembered what a go-getter and risk-taker I had been in my 20s and decided that maybe I was just recovering a deeply buried part of my personality. I have leveled off a bit, but still trying to make sure I enjoy life.

[This message edited by Hawke at 11:21 PM, May 28th (Tuesday)]

AbandonedGuy posted 5/28/2019 23:01 PM

I went straight to 11 with "interesting" sex. Weird times. It did reinforce to me that I'd rather have the relationshipy stuff. I have no compulsion to pump the brakes on the weird times anytime soon. I do feel that I'm tapping into some kind of youthful free-spiritedness that I've always harbored on top of the nihilistic hedonism.

I bet if they had a pill to cure The Lonelies, I'd be much more "boring" right now.

Hawke posted 5/28/2019 23:51 PM

If you're not ready for a relationship and having fun, enjoy it. It doesn't sound like you're doing anything too dangerous (although I don't know what an 11 in "interesting" sex means to you - maybe there's a trapeze involved). When you feel like you're ready for a relationship, you can always pursue that. If you feel like it's getting too nihilistic, reflect on that and decide if you're getting to a point of losing yourself too much.

66charger posted 5/29/2019 00:53 AM

After dealing with months of not believing what my own eyes saw, proof appeared. I seperated immediately and accepted that I would never reconcile. I may have been able to reconcile an affair, however I could not reconcile the fact that this person could look me straight in my eye and lie to me...repeatedly. Instant closure. Instant freedom.

At 30 years old my number was 3. I discovered OLD and by 34 my number hit triple digits. ONS, weekend flings, Traveling 2 hours for the lay and 2 hours back. Friends of hers were the prize. Was it fun? honestly most of the time it was just expensive. I at least had the decency to take them out before hand. Sometimes i wasnt even horny. I just did it because I could.

And then I hurt someone close. I decided not to run and went to her house to talk to her. I will never forget her tears as she asked me why I did this to her. After talking for a bit, I apologized and she accepted. That was the end of the wild.

Strange that my wife did the same thing after her divorce. That person i hurt was an aquaintence of my now wife. Had we ran into each other back then, we would not be "us" today. The Lord works in mysterious ways.

I guess the lesson is that even though it helped me bypass all the (JFO)drama, it gets old. You will go thru it, hit the wall, take a break and then when you least expect it....a beautiful flower will say hello and you are toast.

And somehow you end up married, waking up in the morning, making her coffee and toast while she sleeps. How did that happen?

oh well.

barcher144 posted 5/29/2019 07:06 AM

I've really found myself saying Yes to one risky thing after another in a kind of escalation.

I have done something similar but not in a sexual way, which is what you are implying.

For example, after my first marriage ended:

1. I was in grad school. I would walk down the hallway, quietly muttering to myself "Can't sleep... clown will eat me" repeatedly. It was great fun watching people's reactions to that.

2. I needed a haircut one day and I went to a cheap, chain-store haircut place (haircuts for $8!). The only woman working there was completely wasted on who-knows-what. She drooled. Her voice was slurred and she couldn't control the volume of her voice. My initial thought was to run... but then I thought... this will make a great story.. Unfortunately, she actually gave me a great haircut.

AbandonedGuy posted 5/30/2019 21:49 PM

It's funny. I'm on vacation where lots of couples are. I'm one of maybe 10 singles on this weeklong trip. I see how some guys dote on their fancy-dressed partners and came to a realization: ex wanted to be doted on but didn't want to do a goddamn thing to earn it. Expected it. I got nothing, she wanted the world. She cheated when she thought I couldn't provide that, i.e. unemployed. Now I can and I want to--for someone worth a damn. I thought I was doing fine, and really I mostly am okay, but the loneliness has been held up to my face day after day. The world reminding me that nobody cares, romantically.

Anyway, as soon as I reenter the daily grind, I'll be asking women I know about singles, jumping on apps, going out to places not called "the bar" to meet women. I hit my breaking point, I'm ready to go have my heart broken again. And that might be the biggest risk I take all year.

Rideitout posted 5/31/2019 05:33 AM

At 30 years old my number was 3. I discovered OLD and by 34 my number hit triple digits. ONS, weekend flings, Traveling 2 hours for the lay and 2 hours back. Friends of hers were the prize. Was it fun? honestly most of the time it was just expensive. I at least had the decency to take them out before hand. Sometimes i wasnt even horny. I just did it because I could.

And then I hurt someone close. I decided not to run and went to her house to talk to her. I will never forget her tears as she asked me why I did this to her. After talking for a bit, I apologized and she accepted. That was the end of the wild.

Well, I haven't D'ed, but, I'm right there with this poster. It's all "fun and games" until someone gets hurt. And they will. Having "lots of casual sex" as a man is landmine, even if your totally straight up (this is just a f**k for me), there are still going to be people, most people, in my experience, who will hear that, disregard it, and then be terribly hurt when you "don't call" again.

I've thought about it, of course, both if I were to D and also a RA. I can't see any ethical way to "go crazy" and rack up another 97 partners without hurting a lot of people. I know people will vehemently disagree with this, but for me personally, if I were to D and set that as a goal (rack up a lot of new partners) I believe the most ethical way to do that is to use prostitutes; it's their job, rather than "date" women and then drop them, one after another, after I got "the lay".

I'm not admonishing you, I did the same thing before I was married. But the A and reading about it really changed that for me, I struggle with what ethical behavior in a ONS looks like today mightily. How many stories are there about women who have an A and blow their marriages apart who didn't actually want to have sex? It wasn't that they didn't want sex, it's just that they wanted other things that they thought they would get from sex. And I feel like that has to extend to a lot of "normal" relationships as well. If you met me during a "tear" through women, I can promise you, you're not going to get whatever it is you want unless it's sex and it seems that isn't something that many/most women want.

I had the same experience, BTW. People I'd "dated" coming up to me years later sometimes and saying "RIO, why didn't you like me" or "Why did you ghost me". Which is really hard because I thought, going into these "relationships" we both were on the same page as to what it was about (sex).

I think if I were to D, I'd go in the other direction. Retreat from interactions and dating entirely. Not because I'm afraid to be hurt again, I'm really good at putting on the "armor" to keep myself safe emotionally, but because I'm sure I'll hurt other people if I were to do it again.

Justgettingbye posted 5/31/2019 07:18 AM

I can definitely relate with how you’re feeling. As long as you’re enjoying it and not hurting anyone, I think it’s fine. If it’s getting boring to you, maybe dig in to yourself and find something non-woman related that is fulfilling to you. Have you gone to IC?

MamaDragon posted 5/31/2019 07:36 AM

yes...and it led to a quick marriage to the first guy that paid attention to me. It was a huge, huge mistake - even though I had known him for years (and his family!) I found out he was in fact Dr. Jekyll/Mr. Hyde and I never knew which one would be home when I got off work. Lasted all of 6 months, including the divorce proceedings.

I think everyone who goes through something life changing like catching a spouse cheating and divorce does go through a period of self discovery - sometimes the discovery is acting out with behavior you would not normally act like - and other times, you find new hobbies that are a whole lot safer & sane. (I know I did after the 2nd divorce, thanks to IC!)

In my case the first go around, I had something to prove - that someone wanted me, found me attractive etc. I didn't realize he was using me to have a place to live and saw a sucker! Sadly, the actions of my first & second husband really impacted my marriage to my current husband.

AbandonedGuy posted 5/31/2019 09:48 AM

I'll be the one getting hurt, if anything. I'm not too concerned about leaving a trail of angry ladies in my wake, especially since I want a lot more than just sex out of the deal. If anything, I'd run the risk of a whirlwind romance where I'm not thinking through risks and red flags and before I know it, I've once again got a ring on my finger.

BrokenheartedUK posted 5/31/2019 10:04 AM

I believe that this is called "acting out" in therapy-speak. The point is that you should be careful with yourself until this is under control. I think it's super common off the back of a D, hell I definitely did things that I don't normally do, but it's something to keep an eye on going forward. If you weren't concerned for yourself you wouldn't be writing about it here. Definitely kick up your heels, but eventually, this will flame out.

If you're trying to run headlong into a whirlwind relationship, I'd advise you to use caution. Working on yourself, getting your own shit together, and once that's underway, you'll be able to make good choices in a partner. Otherwise, you are at risk for repeating the same bad choices.

Butforthegrace posted 5/31/2019 10:31 AM

After my WGF dumped me for her AP I went sort of hog wild. Lots of partners, mostly casual hook-ups. Lots of overlap. There were weekends where I might have sex 4-8 times, between Friday and Sunday, with 3 or 4 women (not at the same time -- one after the other). Days where I'd wake up with one woman, have sex, dash home, clean up, and go meet another somewhere else for sex.

Sex in changing rooms at clothing stores. At work on my desk. I had one sexual escapade that a few friends heard about that was exceptionally risky and fantasy-like and wild. It became somewhat well known, to the point where I got a nickname behind it. A woman actually called me specifically to have sex with me in that same way because of my reputation.

It came to a head when two things happened around the same time. First, I got reckless with the heart of a woman whom I actually liked a lot and hurt her. Second, on my birthday, I found myself with three women each telling me she was going to show up at my house early for a special sexy surprise day. None of them knew about the others. I knew it was going to be a total shit show, so I did the manly thing: I ran away. I woke up at 4:30 a.m. and took off on my motorcycle for a long ride. Spent my whole birthday riding around on my motorcycle, alone, to avoid the conflict. Got home about 11:30 p.m., entering from the alley in the back (I turned my motorcycle off and pushed it down the alley so the headlight would be off). Snuck in without turning on any lights.

After that, I quit women for a while and worked on myself. I realized that I was running away from myself. The wildness was just an anasthetic to numb the pain. It was after some months of working on my own healing when I met the woman who is now my wife of nearly 24 years.

[This message edited by Butforthegrace at 10:52 AM, May 31st (Friday)]

CantBeMe123 posted 5/31/2019 10:38 AM

Honestly, the allure of what you describe is part of what was pushing me more to D early on after my dday. I don't blame you at all, as long as the risk taking is within reasonable boundaries I think you have earned it and then some. I know I would miss the real romance of a meaningful relationship just as you are, but fuck if I wouldn't indulge in some hedonism before jumping back on that wagon.

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