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BS's - Would you prefer to have been told about your spouse's A?

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Butforthegrace posted 6/1/2019 06:13 AM

I saw you mention on another thread that you informed the OBS. How is that going?

Also, so that I am clear, this particular OBS is the OBS of only one of your WW's multiple AP's, correct?

Beachwalker posted 6/1/2019 14:02 PM

GRACE: I informed the OBS yesterday and she requested all the information I had before she confronted her WH. She wanted to get all her ducks in a row, so I sent the few documents I had. My wife was efficient in removing all direct emails, texts, etc. from her phone. I included some of my wife’s testimony about her affair with him and what I recall from reading their emails. I had also put together a time line of my wife’s suitors and sent that to the OBS – just the portion that pertained to her H. Because I don’t have any direct evidence (ie – an email directly from him to her with sexy exchanges), I’m not sure what she’ll do with what I shared. But, that is her decision to make.

Yes, this is just one the spouses of my WW’s APs. I have some information about a couple of the others, but the rest of the APs have disconnected phones, non-working emails, etc., so finding them will not be worth the effort. Those I can locate I will share with their wives information about his affair with my wife. The most difficult person I will have to approach is my former brother-in-law’s “new” wife. Yes, my wife screwed my BIL. I’m quite sure that will get back to my sister, eventually. And, supposedly, this tryst took place AFTER my sister and BIL were divorced. IT DOESN’T MATTER!

Beachwalker posted 6/12/2019 16:51 PM

** UPDATE ** On Friday, May 31, I contacted OBS via email. I had 3 addresses for her and 1 was still active. In the email, I asked she call me when she was able to talk openly but privately. She responded that since she didn’t know me, she would prefer to communicate via email. I asked her 3 questions about her husband to be sure I had the right couple and she passed.

I wrote 3 or 4 one sentence paragraphs divulging the affair. I was brief and to the point. I did not divulge any details but offered what I knew if she was interested. 20 minutes later, she replied that she would like to have whatever proof I could provide, but declined to call me. (I wanted to be sure I was talking, at least, with a female instead of the AP.) I sent the 4 documents I had where he was named in correspondence with my WW’s girlfriend, and in one of those emails was a very suggestive comment about AP, showing the relationship was not just platonic. My wife was thorough when she erased the emails, texts, etc. regarding AP, but I relayed what I remember from reading some of the correspondence. I also shared with OBS some of the details my wife confessed, included a timeline I put together of their relationship, and I sent the info on its way.

I heard nothing for a week, so on Monday, June 10 I followed up with another email asking how she was doing and, if she had been able to look for it, to share with me any communications between the two she may have found. She said she was as good as can be expected, that when confronted he confessed everything, and we mutually promised to let the other know if either of us sees any indication they are back to communicating. Unfortunately, she didn’t find any trace of their correspondence.

I was asked how I feel now that I’ve contacted the OBS and exposed the affair to her. I feel a little scared, not knowing what might take place next, if anything at all. I am glad I did, and thank everyone for your advice and encouragement. I know I did the right thing and wish someone would have told me decades ago about my WW’s activities. I don’t think I will hear from her again, but I told her about SI and wish her well.

Butforthegrace posted 6/19/2019 05:33 AM

Beach, any follow-up to the disclosure process?

On another thread you wrote:

YES!! What is that about!! When I asked my wife why when J talked dirty to her, it turned her on to point she said, “I want you to make love to me, J!” Yet when I tried to talk to her that way, she got turned off and said she didn’t like it. Or when MF wrote sex stories he ought to get published he’s so good, but I try that and it doesn’t turn her on.

WHAT IN THE HECK IS UP WITH THAT!!! Why do other men get to have privileges with my wife I’m denied?

The answer to your question is: because you allow her to treat you this way. People here on SI state over and over again, actions speak louder than words. Also, when a WW tells you, via her actions, what she feels about you, you should believe her.

Clearly, in her view, you are the sexual Plan B. I understand you believe she has a condition akin to an addiction that led her to act in this way, and you want to stay with her. However, you must certainly realize by now that if you do stay with her, one thing that will be a presence in your relationship forever is this reality about her sexual desire for you versus other men.

Your threads have not described any actions by your WW that speak of empathy by her, nor any effort to help you heal from this particular trauma. Perhaps she has done this, but you haven't posted about it.

Beachwalker posted 6/19/2019 15:58 PM

GRACE: Thanks for the post. I was going to look for the conversation Rideitout mentioned and read some, if not a lot, of the posts there. I took your comment as being a condensed answer to my question.

The answer to your question is: because you allow her to treat you this way.

I have thought about another attempt at those playful things I mentioned, and others, but I wouldn’t know if she didn’t really like it, still, and was just smiling and pretending to like it. She admitted to me that she told some of her boyfriends what they wanted to hear, and right now I would feel as if she were doing that to/for me. I can’t tell what is genuine in our relationship and what is not.
when a WW tells you, via her actions, what she feels about you, you should believe her.

Clearly, in her view, you are the sexual Plan B.

Things are not looking well in our relationship right now, and for the very reason you state. I told her last week that I feel as if she is “settling” for me – that the party is over, all the boys have left, and it’s time to come home to hubby and be the faithful wife. And what you say about me being “sexual Plan B” makes sense. I confronted her about that a couple of months ago and asked why they got more privileges with her than I did – her own husband! She had no answer. I was hoping that would be something she and her counselor would delve into, but not so far.

One of the conditions I gave her for me staying in the relationship is that she seeks counseling. She had to discontinue going to the counselor we had because we were paying out of pocket. My overtime was cut, so we couldn’t afford him anymore. She is supposed to find a replacement that is covered by our insurance, but that hasn’t materialized, yet. I have mentioned it twice recently. I definitely am watching her feet, and so far I am not impressed.

Your threads have not described any actions by your WW that speak of empathy by her, nor any effort to help you heal from this particular trauma. Perhaps she has done this, but you haven't posted about it.

More than once she has admitted she caused the pain I am in and the damage done to our M, sometimes crying while doing so. She has even said that I would be better off leaving her and finding someone else. (Strange, she mentioned in one of her letters to a girlfriend years ago that she wished I would ask for D. She wanted to D me at that time, but wouldn’t initiate it. I think it would look like I’m the “bad guy” if I initiate the D and not her, saving her precious reputation.) Also, I was in the hospital for 10 days recently and she stayed every other night with me, and when she wasn’t at work she was in my room.

She has answered questions I have put to her and talked about subjects I bring up. I see these things which indicate remorse and willingness to change; however, we’ve been through something like this before. I caught her twice cheating on me and each time did as I requested – see a counselor, answer my questions, etc. I got the crying then, too. After the heat died down, she went back to her old ways. I have already reminded her that if that happens, or even talks to an old or new boyfriend, there is not going to be another chance. I think she’s doing the bare minimum to “get through this”. She will go to a counselor if I ask and find one for her, but I am still waiting on her to find the next, like I said above.

Beachwalker posted 6/19/2019 17:06 PM

GRACE: You have me a little befuddled, here:

The answer to your question is: because you allow her to treat you this way.

I didn’t know she was talking dirty (to use just one example) with J until years later. And looking back, we had pillow talk about that subject and she was against talking dirty with me. I guess I don’t understand how I “allowed her to treat me this way” when I didn’t know about J and their conversations.

Genuinely, how did I allow anything?

Butforthegrace posted 6/19/2019 17:52 PM

She invested energy into giving sexual pleasure to other men in a variety of ways because she valued whatever it was she perceived she was getting out of her As enough to do this. She is not investing that same level of energy into sexual pleasure for you, her husband. What you are allowing is for her to continue on as your wife despite this disparity.

Perhaps you are okay with the disparity. But the fact remains that you are allowing her to continue her disparate treatment of you vis-a-vis her APs.

Beachwalker posted 6/19/2019 19:14 PM

GRACE: My wife and I just had an interesting discussion.

This weekend, an old cat of ours died. W was distraught and I comforted her. After we took care of the deceased cat, I saw her perk up throughout the day. We went to lunch, shopping, and a few other things, then returned to the suite. W was upbeat and smiling, so I mentioned as I went into the bathroom to clean myself up that I was going to take her up on her offer (from earlier in the day, before the cat died) to fool around. She responded by looking at me, rolling her eyes, and smiling. I took that as, “You men and your sex! c’mon!” We didn’t have sex because she had lost interest (I guess); although, she said I didn’t tell her what I wanted, and I said for her to turn over toward me on the bed and pay attention to me. She didn’t until I gave up, pulled the covers over me, and turned away from her to take a nap. I was mad because she ignored me. She also accused me of abuse since she had a traumatic experience that day and I wanted her to perform. That accusation really hurt me.

I shared that with her just now and *silence*. She said that she thinks I want her to be like the women in the porn (yes, I looked at porn. Sorry.), swinging from the chandeliers and humping me like crazy! I told her all I want is for her to want me. She replied by saying, “Thanks for sharing your thoughts,” and, “I’ll think about it.” How cordial. She’ll think about it. We talked a little more but she just went into her martyrdom mode: “From now on, I’ll just hide my feelings and do what you want,” and other crap.

I told her that this weekend proved to me that we both still need counseling. She replied, “I guess because of what I’ve done we’ll have to be in counseling for the rest of our lives, now!”

It’s time – past time – for me to pull the plug on this relationship. I can’t D now because of financial reasons, but I am working this summer on changing that. I’ll just enjoy whatever happiness we may have between now and then, but plan to change my marital status as soon as I can pay all the bills on my own.

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