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Beachwalker posted 5/26/2019 00:53 AM

I am really struggling with an issue that, at some point, I will have to decide one way or the other. I am a BS and I wish one of my WW’s friends would have told me about my wife’s A’s, so I am considering telling the OBS about the affair.

I have people whose opinion I value a lot tell me that I should contact them and let them know. At the same time, I have my IC who asks what good it would do. The IC tells me it is the AP’s responsibility to take care of their own home and all I would do is create strife between the two.

I don’t know if it makes any difference, but this affair has been over for a few years, and I read in my wife’s emails when she tried to start things up again he was not very interested any more. But once I tell the OBS, I can’t take it back, so I need to be absolutely sure, one way or the other, I am doing the right thing.

As a BS, do you wish someone would have told you, even though the affair was over?

ibonnie posted 5/26/2019 01:03 AM

At the same time, I have my IC who asks what good it would do. The IC tells me it is the AP’s responsibility to take care of their own home and all I would do is create strife between the two.

JFC this is horrible advice!!!!! I can guarantee you 100% the OBS would prefer to find out that their spouse is a cheater (possibly serial) via you, rather than say... by contracting chlamydia, or HIV.

Not to get dramatic here, but you absolutely have the abilitiy right now to tell someone the truth so that they can take actions to protect their health (not to mention mental and financial well-being).

Please tell the OBS. It's the right thing to do.

[This message edited by ibonnie at 1:04 AM, May 26th (Sunday)]

trustedg posted 5/26/2019 01:11 AM

I would want to know, I wish someone had told me. Not sure your ICs argument really holds up -

all I would do is create strife between the two.

ReceivedChaos posted 5/26/2019 01:21 AM

So my WS wrote up a letter to the OBS. I then decided to change it up a little so it appeared that I wrote the letter. I then had WS physically mail the letter in my presence.

I had waited a couple months to do it, but wish I had the means to do it the night I found out.

I have no regret outting the OM. Yes it does create another damaged relationship, but I believe the OBS should know the truth. If I was the OBS, I would definitely wanted to know.

The way we sent out the letter was almost like my WS was throwing the OM under the bus. I needed to know she would do that to know that their affair was indeed over. In hindsight, a telephone call would have been better.

Ichthus posted 5/26/2019 01:23 AM

Their marriage is already fucked up. Cause strife.... lol. That therapist is messed up. It might actually help someone else make a wise decision about their own life if they knew the truth.

I dont think I have ever read where someone prefer to be ignorant of an affair.

SisterMilkshake posted 5/26/2019 01:55 AM

My FWH's LTA was exposed to me six years after it had ended.

There were times I had felt that I preferred not to have been told. However, my FWH didn't change much after he ended the LTA. I did notice a bit of a change in him for the better, but not enough for me to really change my mind about divorcing him after our youngest graduated. I was getting my ducks in a row. He had treated me horribly before and during his LTA.

But, when the LTA was exposed on d-day, he told me he would do whatever it took to repair our marriage. That he loved me and wanted to prove it to me for the rest of his life. And, he has.

Even though the exposure of the LTA caused me severe trauma (I believe I had/have PTSD from it) I am very glad that it was exposed. We have a very good marriage now. Without him being held accountable for his behaviour he never would have had the motivation to make the radical changes that were hard but necessary for him to make.

Who knows? The OBS might be getting her ducks in a row to leave him. You might just save a marriage by exposing. We really never know what other people are feeling, what is going on in their lives and how they are going to react. I think we can only go by what we would like for others to do for us.

The1stWife posted 5/26/2019 03:34 AM

My H came home and told me if his Affair. On his own. Willingly.

I thought his honesty was a “plus”. I gave him credit for it. Turns out we had false reconciliation for months, two Ddays, his plan to D me for the OW, Affair underground, broken no contact, refused to end the Affair, refused counseling etc.

So even him admitting it did nothing. I wish someone else did know after DDay 1 - like his family or friends to wake him up. But this Affair was very well hidden.

I always believe people deserve to know the truth. And no matter what I would rather deal in reality than live my life as a lie or in the dark. The OBS deserves to know.

I post often about my friend who married her HS boyfriend. Happy / good marriage. Until one day she gets a phone call from the OW. Who spills the beans. Long story short my friend finds out her H has been cheating, there is an OC by one woman, a fiancée (second OW), the girl calling was the third OW and there were a few others - all at the same time. Serial cheater - that’s what her H was.

The sad part was hundreds of people knew. The neighbors knew as the CH brought the girls to his home. His entire company knew as he would bring his girlfriends to social events instead of his wife.

The only people who didn’t know were her family and friends.

After witnessing that devastation- I believe you should tell the OBS 💯%. No matter what.

Butforthegrace posted 5/26/2019 05:41 AM

Telling the OBS is the right thing to do. It is the decent, moral, human thing to do.

AbRamK posted 5/26/2019 06:08 AM

Yes, if my spouse is having an affair, I would like to know as soon as possible. You would be doing me a favour by telling so that I won't be waste my time not knowing the truth. Answer to you IC's question - You would be doing a favour to the other betrayed spouse. Other WW spouse has already done enough to destroy 2 families. Also you would be adding an extra pair of eyes to ensure that the affair is not happening underground or any contacts between them in future.

annb posted 5/26/2019 06:11 AM

Tell the OBS.

Your IC obviously has no experience infidelity, the truth is always the best option.

The OW husband in my situation found out about the EA. He confronted my WH and his wife, both said they would end it. At that point, it was only an EA. The OW husband chose NOT to tell me for the same reason your IC is telling you.

BIG MISTAKE! The affair took a turn to physical about a month later despite my WH living on the opposite coast of AP. Had the OW husband informed me, the PA would have never happened, and years of hell would not have ensued.

Inform the BS. He deserves to know.

steadychevy posted 5/26/2019 06:47 AM

Your IC is an idiot.

I wish someone would have told me even if they were only suspicious.

The OBS may feel something is off about their marriage but don't know quite what. Or they may be suspicious but have no proof.

There are way too many stories on SI about OBS (mostly BW, I think) who ended up with severe health problems from STDs that were unrevealed and undetected. Had they known and got checked they would have been treatable.

It is the right and humane thing to do to warn the OBS about danger in their lives. What they do with the information is up to them.

northeasternarea posted 5/26/2019 07:32 AM

I would not want to know about an affair that had been over for a long time, unless a STD, STI was involved.

ibonnie posted 5/26/2019 07:34 AM

I have no regret outting the OM. Yes it does create another damaged relationship, but I believe the OBS should know the truth. If I was the OBS, I would definitely wanted to know.

Telling the truth does not "create another damaged relationship" -- having an affair does!!!!!

tl502 posted 5/26/2019 08:10 AM

My h had an affair that I didn’t know about for many years. He admitted to it after he had a recent one. I believed that obs has a right to know, but I’m really glad for my children that I didn’t know about the first.
Not knowing allowed my children to grow up in an intact family with loving parents. He was/ is a good father even though he hasn’t been a very good husband in the past.
For myself, if I hadn’t had children, at the age of 29 when the first a happened, I could have left and followed another path in my life. So I guess that it depends on the circumstances.

ChamomileTea posted 5/26/2019 08:20 AM

How long ago was the affair? And how long since your WW attempted to restart it?

pearlamici posted 5/26/2019 08:36 AM

Absolutely I wish I had been told. whether on-going or years past.... Before I was a betrayed spouse, I don't know how I would've felt - but now - Absolutely I would tell a friend (or stranger/OBS) if I knew for sure there was an affair. And even if I didn't know for sure - I would tell if I thought things looked inappropriate or suspicious.

Marie2792 posted 5/26/2019 08:53 AM

Any OBS is already living in a damaged, deceitful relationship. Advising them of their WS affair is giving them power to make informed decisions about their sexual health, their finances, their home life. Nothing you say, as long as it is truth, can be any more harmful than the affair itself.

In my case, the OW was separated and I called her husband (before I found SI) because selfishly I had seen his photos and thought he looked a bit rough and hoped he would beat her ass (terrible I know). His answer to me “well why do you think we are separated? She loves to have kids with other men?” He immediately called OW who texted my husband “your wife is crazy she called my husband and told him about us. We were trying to get back together and now he doesn’t want to.” Seriously cant make this shit up.

Previously my H had two one night stands with single women and a two time thing with a neighborhood whore. If all of these she was the only one who knew he was married and with his wife. Also no husband or partner for her.

I would have welcomed a call from an OBS.

WithGrace posted 5/26/2019 08:58 AM

Someone did tell me and it was absolutely the right thing for her to do. I had suspicions but once things were confirmed it gave me the confidence to go NC and file for D right away. This helped me avoid limbo and spared me a great deal of pain.

Please tell OBS as soon as possible. They deserve to know so they can take steps to protect their health, children (if any) and financial interests. Do not be a party to AP robbing OBS of personal agency in their own life.

MoreThanBroken posted 5/26/2019 09:05 AM

My MIL knew and a few of my wife's friends knew and no one said anything. I wish they had. I wish someone would have taken the time, even anonymously, to just tell me. When it comes down to it, the cheater should be the one to confess, but more often then not they try to hide it. If they've had years since they've ended the A, he's had time to confess and hasn't. The OBS should be made aware.

sewardak posted 5/26/2019 09:35 AM

Tell OBS. Have wife dump friends. Also dump IC