I didn’t just find out. My own story is an ongoing saga spanning a couple of years and I still don’t know what to believe. Being a prisoner of my own thoughts has been a special hell, one you cannot quite understand unless you have been through it. I have never posted on this site, but I have read it everyday religiously for a while now. I am honestly not a 100% sure I belong in this club.
It’s kind of strange, because while I am a stranger to all of you, there are some of you that I feel like I know and whose opinion I value (special shout out to ibonnie, I have a major lady platonic crush on you and 1stwife is my hero). I would like to tell you my story and I would like your honest feedback.
My husband and I were friends a couple of years before we started dating in 2013. We were both recently separated from spouses that we married way too young. Both of our stbx-spouses were dating other people and his xw was even pregnant with her new beau’s child. We both had two young children each and our circumstances were similar. On his birthday in 2013, he asked me to come have drinks with him to celebrate. I assumed all our friends would be there, but it turns out he had tricked me into a date! From them on, I can count on both hands how many nights we have spent away from each other.
We have had our share of problems, but I always appreciated how we have grown and matured together.
My husband has worked at the same office as a manager for the past 6 years. We share about our work frequently, and back in 2016 I remember him telling me that one of his reports (referred to as batshitcrazy from here on out) had seemingly went off the deep end. He shared that batshitcrazy came in to work with bandages around her wrists and had just been very emotional, unstable and overly reactive in the month or two surrounding this incident. Once he made that observation, he scheduled a one on one with her. He asked her how she was and provided her with EAP (Employee Assistance Program) information.
Around this same time, we decided to start trying for a baby. Getting pregnant wasn’t hard but staying pregnant was proving to be impossible. I had three miscarriages in a row. Each miscarriage was worse and more gruesome than the last. The last miscarriage (April 2017), I bled for three months straight. I had to take three rounds of Cytotec and when I still didn’t pass the “product of conception”, I had to have a DNC. It was a very hard journey and my husband struggled too. He often struggled with knowing what to say to comfort me. My OBGYN finally decided to pursue genetic testing and it turns out I have a hereditary condition that causes blood clots. I got pregnant again in August 2017 and my doctor prescribed me blood thinners.
I was about 8 weeks pregnant again (fourth time in October 2017) when I was on Facebook at work and I noticed I had a message inbox from someone who was not my friend. I did not recognize the name. The message simply read “Hello, my wife and your husband work together. I think we need to talk.” Cue my heart dropping into my intestines. Surely not. No way. My husband? I responded, and he said that he had discovered a lengthy facebook chat history between them and he suspects that they have an inappropriate relationship.
I immediately called my husband and asked him why the fuck batshitcrazy’s husband was calling me and what should I anticipate being told because I would rather hear it from him. Rookie mistake, I know, but I hadn’t had the insight from all of you yet. He sounded genuinely flummoxed. He stated that while he had had facebook conversations with her, none of it was inappropriate in his opinion. When I got home, I demanded to see his facebook and to have her phone number. I called her three times before she texted me and said “Who is this?” I said, “Hi Batshitcrazy, this is Big Mamma Jamma and we need to talk. You can call me back now or I can meet you at work tomorrow. Please let me know what is convenient.” I get a text about an hour later from Mr. Batshit and he said, “I want to apologize to you, BMJ. I read through the messages and while there was a lot there, it seemed pretty harmless.” Like wtf, I am barely pregnant, and I am pretty sure if I hadn’t been on Lovonox, I would have stroked out. For what? Because this crazy, over possessed husband read too much into his wife’s messages? I quickly got over it, chalking it up to getting dragged into someone else’s dysfunction. I thanked my lucky stars I didn’t have to deal with that and I got on with life.
My dear little sister happened to be pregnant too, about 10 weeks ahead of me. This was her first pregnancy, but because of my diagnosis, she got tested and found out she had the same issue. She had been on Lovonox, but for some unknown reason, her specialist took her off.
January 18th, my beloved little sister called me hysterical. She had gone to her obgyn and at 33 weeks (I was 23 weeks), they could not find a heart beat. My dear precious sister had lost her baby and I was still pregnant with mine. I took complete control, as she and her husband were paralyzed with grief and shock. I made all the medical decisions involving her delivery and recovery and I planned the funeral. On January 22, 2018, I was in the funeral home, flipping through a book with headstones and caskets when my phone buzzed. My eyes were already burning with tears, so I could barely read the message. It said, “Hi BMJ, I know you have probably suspected for a long time, but Mr. BMJ and I had a relationship from May 2017 – October 2017. I am sorry, I just thought you should know.” I closed the headstone book, excused myself to outside and started an exchange with her. She said she had proof. I asked her for the proof and she said hold on. While I was waiting on her proof I called my husband and unloaded. I had been going through a lot and I let him have it. Why is this bitch telling me you had sex? She said she has proof? What am I about to see?
All he had for me is adamant denials. I hung up on him and went back in because I had to get this baby’s funeral planned. Afterwards, batshitcrazy still had not sent me the proof. I reach out to her and say “You said you had proof.” She responds another hour later and sends me screenshots of facebook messages. It was gross and lame. Dorky, but disturbing nonetheless. It was sexual in nature, but embarrassingly unsexy. While it didn't sound like my husband, I was convinced he was boinking this 12 year old looking boy at work.
My daughter had some sort of junior high orientation thing that night, so I just never went home. I had the kids with me and I stayed out until about 9:00 pm when my husband texted me and said, “Please come home. I never had any type of relationship with batshit.” My tired pregnant ass had no place to go, so I went home. The kids went to bed and my husband immediately handed me his phone. It was open to the text messages and he had scrolled up all the way up until September 2017. Before I started reading, he said that they had fired her in September because her crazy started interfering with her performance.
So I started reading through these text messages. There were like 25 from her and then one from him. Thus went on for months. Her’s were like “I miss my friend”, “Why won’t you talk to me”, “I am sitting at so and so restaurant if you wanna meet me.” “Why are you ignoring me?” His were like “We were coworkers, that’s it. Now we are not even that. Please stop messaging me.” Then she would be like, “why are you being such an asshole?” “I just want to be your friend”. "I just want my friend back". As I scrolled and got closer and closer to the present, my husband said “what does your husband think of you pursuing other men?” and she took that as a threat and that is when she started messaging me on FB. At this time, it seemed like he really was a victim of some crazy bunny boiler who set her sights on the first person who showed she cared. As far as her proof was concerned, my husband maintained he did NOT have those conversations and there are apps that will help you create a fake conversation. I buried it and tried to believe him.
I had our baby in May 2018. I felt so gross. I had the figure of a bean bag and massive leaky tits. My long curly hair just look like a fuzzy nest and my hygiene was barely passable. My husband had passed out for a nap, and I do not know what compelled me, but I started going through his phone. Nothing immediately suspicious showed up so I searched “batshitcrazy” and three numbers came up. Each had been blocked. From what I could tell, it looked like she was sending texts from one number, then he blocked it. Then she would start from another number. She was sending nudes and pathetic pleas for attention. From my limited knowledge, it did not appear as though he responded other than a few times to tell her it was not wanted.
I had enough. Why is this bitch still pursuing him? I sent the nude pic to myself. I created a group text (I still had their phone numbers from the first incident) with Mr and Mrs Batshitcrazy and I sent the photo with “Uh oh, it looks like you accidently sent this picture to my husband instead of yours. I thought you might want it back. I have to say I was relieved it was you, because when I first saw it, I thought my husband had a picture of a naked 12 year old boy.” Her husband messaged me back and asked if I
had anything else. I sent him everything I had. She blocked us on FB and I haven’t heard from her since.
Fast forward to now and I want so hard to believe my husband. I have read so many of y’all’s stories and my husband said many of the same thing your waywards said. “It isn’t what you think” “She is crazy” “I only want you” I just keep thinking to myself that nobody just up and starts being a crazy stalker. But women who have been wronged do that kind of shit. I totally believe that this lady is unhinged, I just have a hard time believing that nothing occurred between them to lead to this. But then, I think “What if he really did nothing wrong and I throw everything away?” One major thing is I don’t know why he didn’t share with me while it was going on. Why did he keep this from me. He says he was scared for the baby, but I KNOW I would have shared something like this with him.
I guess I will never know. Please tell me what you think. It is a long story like all of yours and I am sure I have left out important details.