"You can survive this. Talk to others that have"

CaptainRogers posted 5/24/2019 23:47 PM

At about 4 months post anti-versary #2, I've taken some time to reflect on a number of things. Maybe they offer hope to some. Maybe they don't. As with everything else SI (and quite frankly, in life), feel free to take what you need and leave the rest.

Many times over the first year post D-day, I read how year 2 was actually harder. The shock has worn off. All the warts are showing. The real question of "Who are you?" regarding the WS has to be answered. If the decision to wait on R or D was made, now is the time to truly weigh the options. And unlike the first several months, the triage is over. If we are to truly work on resurrecting our M, this is the time it really and truly kicks in.

Unfortunately, that was not really my experience. My wife continued to hide information. It was at 15 months that I did more detective work to learn that there were multiple dates that she and AP went on and that it got physical. Over the ensuing 8 months, details would trickle out whenever she would be overwhelmed with guilt & wanted to create a somewhat clearer conscience. Those details, needless to say, would push me further and further away. She would make up stories about me being abusive (told during an MC session) and even go so far as to try to say that making out with another person while married "isn't a big deal". I would deliver an ultimatum (with the consent of our MC). She would follow through (white-knuckling it) up to the day after the "deadline". Changes would be made (for show) to offer just enough hope to pull me back. Eventually, I was ready to completely bail as year 2 came to a close.

And a funny thing happened on the way to D. I got a clear message to wait. Some would say that I was searching for that message because I didn't really want to D. I would disagree with the accusation of searching for the message, but not with the idea that I really didnt want to D. I was down to my last strand on the rope.

And then, just a few weeks after that message to "wait", I heard something come from my wife's mouth that I would have never thought could come out. "Maybe I AM the problem..."

The light, after just over 2 years, had finally come on. She saw, truly, that the hindrance to our resurrected relationship all along, was her. Her refusal to admit her imperfection. Her refusal to do more than the bare minimum. Her steadfast belief that "the thing with that guy" was minor in comparison to all my faults over our 22 previous. All of that and so much more WAS the problem.

Since that day, she has done virtually everything that I had been asking for and coaching her on in regard to rebuilding what was destroyed. Has she done it perfectly? No. But neither have I. We can't expect perfection.

She has slipped back into old behaviors and thought patterns at times. And each time, she has eventually (after a day or two) figured out that she is back into the easy behavior and stops it.

A few months into the fliped switch and she is more loving, more intentional about demonstrating with touch, more available to simply talk, more open to just having time with one another. I see the changes, and they seem genuine this time. Ultimately, time will tell.

Do I still have trust issues? You bet. Those will probably linger in some way, shape or form for decades. One of my business partners faced a similar situation with his wife 20 years ago. He still has wonderings about who his wife is texting or what she is doing with her phone/tablet. I'm sure that I will be the same way. Once bitten, twice shy (wonderful album by Great White, by the way).

Do I believe that my wife loves me? Most days. Yes, there are still those days when something is off (from schooling the kids or running the house or whatever), and her actions open my mind to questions, but overall, I think she has opened herself back up to the feelings she closed off several years ago.

Do I believe that she will cheat again? Anything is possible. Shoot, I didn't think it would happen the first time, right? I no longer believe in "impossible". I've known my wife to cheat. I've seen my daughter resuscitated after a Code Blue. And I've seen the Cubs win the World Series. Nothing is impossible anymore.

So yes, I can say without a doubt that year 2 was much more difficult than year 1 for a variety of reasons. The roller coaster is still real. The highs aren't as high, nor are the lows as low, but some days you just want to bail out because the ride is exhausting.

Hang in there. What you are looking and hoping for may just be right around the corner. My wife is a prime example that nothing is impossible.

[This message edited by CaptainRogers at 11:50 PM, May 24th (Friday)]

babypuke posted 5/25/2019 03:53 AM

Thank you for sharing this, good that your WW got the insight that she herself may be the problem, a step forward and something that we all hope that our (ex) WW/WH etc. will see one day.

Also, your text contributes because it shows a way of how things may go in the years after Dday and also includes the suggestion that the BW/BH may not want to throw the WW/WH too soon out of the door.

Of course, being betrayed and lied to is one thing, but if it continues after Dday and/or the WW/WH internalizes the affair as a positive experience and does not do IC or anything else to prevent an affair from happening again and/or continues abusive behavior and disrespects the BW/BH, then then the BW/BH still is unsafe and who knows what other harm may be on the way, WW/WH may one day cut the brake lines of the BW/BHs car for instance.

Also, if things regularly escalate and the BW/BH her-or himself can no longer be a safe partner for the WW/WH, then ending the romantic relationship should also be considered I think, safety for all involved first (although APs safety BW/BH does not care about, and that is an understatement haha :-)

So the BW/BH is recommended to not be naieve and not stay too long in a situation of abuse or without perspective.

Once more thank you for sharing, and strength and best wishes Captain!

Brennan87 posted 5/25/2019 07:12 AM

Captain,

Its been a rough road for you this past year, glad to see you are finding positivity and change.

Keep doing you!

Sayuwontletgo posted 5/25/2019 07:26 AM

Thank you for sharing this, year 2 has been much harder than I expected. This gives me hope that there's still time to find the lasting changes I need to make. I'm glad things are going better for you and I genuinely hope your W commits to the growth she's done for you and for herself.

weddingbelle posted 5/27/2019 23:43 PM

CaptainRogers,

You sure have gone through it. I'm 29 months out after TT for 15 of those months and still not sure what my reality is. Here's hoping there's light at the end of the tunnel 🥂. Go Cubbies!

Tseratievig posted 5/28/2019 00:12 AM

Go Cubbies!

t/j: I'm voting Carl Edwards Jr. the MVP for the opposing team virtually every time he pitches.

weddingbelle posted 5/28/2019 00:14 AM

Too true!

OneInTheSame posted 5/28/2019 03:08 AM

(((CaptainRogers)))

Keep on swimming . . . keep on swimming . . .

CaptainRogers posted 5/28/2019 06:48 AM

I'm voting Carl Edwards Jr. the MVP for the opposing team virtually every time he pitches.

So do I, Tseratievig. I've decided that I could be the greatest pitching coach in MLB by simply focusing on one philosophy: throw a £@$#%&! strike!

ShellyBean posted 6/2/2019 17:03 PM

I’ve read a few posts here talking about “2 years”.. it will be two full years for me, since DDay, in August. I have hope...

NoLongerAlive posted 6/2/2019 18:28 PM

Captain, I think it is helpful for others to hear stories that don't fit into the typical post d-day timeline, so thank you for sharing. I also had a WS who continued to lie and hide other things during the 2nd year after d-day, things I discovered on my own; TT destroys any progress made toward trusting again, like starting back at ground zero. I will never understand how they (WS) continue to lie and deny when we (BS) have told them we need the truth to process and heal, then proven we can handle it with maturity. I don't know what finally makes the "light go on" for a WS, I am sure it's unique to the individual, but I think the BS can see and feel when it really happens. I am hopeful for you

Tallgirl posted 6/2/2019 19:16 PM

Captain would you say you were in R for two years or still coming out of the after effects of A.

I am a year out. In a trial separation because he kept hiding the truth — until I found out I think if there is still wayward behaviour you are not in R yet, only after the behaviour changes. If the lies keep coming trust is unachievable.

We are neither R or D.

NLA l Don’t understand it either.

CaptainRogers posted 6/2/2019 20:06 PM

Excellent question, Tallgirl. I think if you asked my wife, she would say that we have been in R for 2+ years. If I were to answer, I'd say closer to 3 months. You are absolutely right about the importance of the wayward behaviors stopping.

As my friend Oldwounds is known to say, what it takes for R is "all in". And my wife wasn't truly "all in" until just a few months ago.

[This message edited by CaptainRogers at 8:07 PM, June 2nd (Sunday)]

pureheartkit posted 6/2/2019 21:11 PM

I think you're going to see a happier Mrs. C. That's good for everyone.

Im happy she finally heard you. You were so patient and you believed in her. It looks like she believes in you too.

Im glad you can hear clearly your own mind and heart and proud of you that you have the strength to listen and act in harmony with them.