At about 4 months post anti-versary #2, I've taken some time to reflect on a number of things. Maybe they offer hope to some. Maybe they don't. As with everything else SI (and quite frankly, in life), feel free to take what you need and leave the rest.
Many times over the first year post D-day, I read how year 2 was actually harder. The shock has worn off. All the warts are showing. The real question of "Who are you?" regarding the WS has to be answered. If the decision to wait on R or D was made, now is the time to truly weigh the options. And unlike the first several months, the triage is over. If we are to truly work on resurrecting our M, this is the time it really and truly kicks in.
Unfortunately, that was not really my experience. My wife continued to hide information. It was at 15 months that I did more detective work to learn that there were multiple dates that she and AP went on and that it got physical. Over the ensuing 8 months, details would trickle out whenever she would be overwhelmed with guilt & wanted to create a somewhat clearer conscience. Those details, needless to say, would push me further and further away. She would make up stories about me being abusive (told during an MC session) and even go so far as to try to say that making out with another person while married "isn't a big deal". I would deliver an ultimatum (with the consent of our MC). She would follow through (white-knuckling it) up to the day after the "deadline". Changes would be made (for show) to offer just enough hope to pull me back. Eventually, I was ready to completely bail as year 2 came to a close.
And a funny thing happened on the way to D. I got a clear message to wait. Some would say that I was searching for that message because I didn't really want to D. I would disagree with the accusation of searching for the message, but not with the idea that I really didnt want to D. I was down to my last strand on the rope.
And then, just a few weeks after that message to "wait", I heard something come from my wife's mouth that I would have never thought could come out. "Maybe I AM the problem..."
The light, after just over 2 years, had finally come on. She saw, truly, that the hindrance to our resurrected relationship all along, was her. Her refusal to admit her imperfection. Her refusal to do more than the bare minimum. Her steadfast belief that "the thing with that guy" was minor in comparison to all my faults over our 22 previous. All of that and so much more WAS the problem.
Since that day, she has done virtually everything that I had been asking for and coaching her on in regard to rebuilding what was destroyed. Has she done it perfectly? No. But neither have I. We can't expect perfection.
She has slipped back into old behaviors and thought patterns at times. And each time, she has eventually (after a day or two) figured out that she is back into the easy behavior and stops it.
A few months into the fliped switch and she is more loving, more intentional about demonstrating with touch, more available to simply talk, more open to just having time with one another. I see the changes, and they seem genuine this time. Ultimately, time will tell.
Do I still have trust issues? You bet. Those will probably linger in some way, shape or form for decades. One of my business partners faced a similar situation with his wife 20 years ago. He still has wonderings about who his wife is texting or what she is doing with her phone/tablet. I'm sure that I will be the same way. Once bitten, twice shy (wonderful album by Great White, by the way).
Do I believe that my wife loves me? Most days. Yes, there are still those days when something is off (from schooling the kids or running the house or whatever), and her actions open my mind to questions, but overall, I think she has opened herself back up to the feelings she closed off several years ago.
Do I believe that she will cheat again? Anything is possible. Shoot, I didn't think it would happen the first time, right? I no longer believe in "impossible". I've known my wife to cheat. I've seen my daughter resuscitated after a Code Blue. And I've seen the Cubs win the World Series. Nothing is impossible anymore.
So yes, I can say without a doubt that year 2 was much more difficult than year 1 for a variety of reasons. The roller coaster is still real. The highs aren't as high, nor are the lows as low, but some days you just want to bail out because the ride is exhausting.
Hang in there. What you are looking and hoping for may just be right around the corner. My wife is a prime example that nothing is impossible.
[This message edited by CaptainRogers at 11:50 PM, May 24th (Friday)]
