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30yearheartbreak (original poster member #68834) posted at 12:19 PM on Monday, May 20th, 2019
WH expects us to stay friendly with one another even though I have to be the one to file D because he's a coward. The crap he has dumped on me has been beyond stressful and yet he wants us to stay on good terms. The very thought that he chose to continue cheating instead of working on our 30 year relationship is bad enough but he thinks we can just "be friendly" when it comes to family matters. I don't want to see him, it hurts so bad and the fact that he doesn't realize that is just sad and selfish. His family is shocked and disappointed that he abandoned his family for other women, but he just makes excuses for his behavior and blames me for not being compassionate enough during our marriage....so you see, it's not his fault. I went NC and all he does is send me texts daily of him with our grandson, or something stupid about the house. I ignore and delete. I only keep his number unblocked because he does watch our grandson and in case of emergency. He goes through my friends for info on what I'm doing. He choose to continue to be a cheater so why doesn't he just leave me the hell alone. Instead he continues to point out what I'm doing wrong...are all WS like this? I'm so tempted the next time he sends me a picture of himself and our grandson together to ask him instead to send me a picture of him and one of his girlfriends so I can be reminded of what he choose instead of me.😡
AbandonedGuy ( member #66456) posted at 1:07 PM on Monday, May 20th, 2019
Textbook manipulation tactics from someone who wants to avoid accountability at all costs--but you knew that when he cut and ran instead of saving his marriage. This guy sounds like a peach. Being abandoned sucks. Sorry you went through it and *also* that he won't even let you shake the dbag.
EmancipatedFella, formerly AbandonedGuy
cocoplus5nuts ( member #45796) posted at 6:40 PM on Monday, May 20th, 2019
Are you the only emergency contact he has? I understand that you want to know immediately of an emergency with your grandson, but you need to protect yourself. Can you set up an emergency chain, like he contacts mom or dad and they contact you? Then, you can block him.
I agree it's classic manipulation. I think he's trying to keep you around just in case. You need to go completely NC for your own sanity.
Me(BW): 1970
WH(caveman): 1970
Married June, 2000
DDay#1 June 8, 2014 EA
DDay#2 12/05/14 confessed to sex before polygraph
Status: just living my life
Marz ( member #60895) posted at 7:25 PM on Monday, May 20th, 2019
All waywards appear to want the "friends" thing. This is very common. It's their selfish nature.
It's for them not you. However, you get to control that. Sounds like you're doing well at it.
I'd just block. In an emergency your grandkids parents will be able to contact. It's up to you what you allow isn't it?
crazyblindsided ( member #35215) posted at 7:30 PM on Monday, May 20th, 2019
(((30yearheartbreak))) first off I'm sorry your WH is being an asshat. I would state one more time for his sake that the only text he should be sending you is important info or emergencies regarding your grandson and to stop sending anything else. Tell him you are not friends. Tell him you also see your grandson and you take your own pictures of him so you don't need his (again remind him you are not friends) I would try to go as NC as much as you can.
fBS/fWS(me):52 Mad-hattered after DD (2008)
XWS:55 Serial Cheater, Diagnosed NPD
DD(22) DS(19)
XWS cheated the entire M spanning 19 years
Discovered D-Days 2006,2008,2012, False R 2014
Separated 9/2019; Divorced 8/2024
ChamomileTea ( Moderator #53574) posted at 8:22 PM on Monday, May 20th, 2019
Did you tell him explicitly not to contact you except for matters pertaining to the divorce, finances, and bonafide family emergencies? Sometimes you have to be a little nasty about it when people won't respect your boundaries. I think I'd let him know that if he can't follow my directives, I'd be forced to let my attorney handle future communications, and since HE is the one having a problem respecting boundaries, I'd be planning to deduct any additional legal costs from the settlement.
One of the very few perks of divorce... is that you are no longer obliged to give a crap about his preferences.
BW: 2004(online EAs), 2014 (multiple PAs); Married 40 years; in R with fWH for 10
gmc94 ( member #62810) posted at 8:38 PM on Monday, May 20th, 2019
You are not his "friend". Friends don't treat friends by lying and cheating and then abandoning their BS.
You are his STBSBW. And you are fantastic. And you don't need him to help you dote on your grandkids - you can dote on your own just fine, thank you.
Holding boundaries does not equal being mean or nasty. It means being respectful of yourself and not allowing others to disrespect you or your boundaries.
Think of the thousands of people we all interact with daily who we are "friendly" with or toward, but are not our friends. From the grocery bagger to the customer service rep, we treat others with respect, but do not break our boundaries. "good terms' does NOT mean HIS TERMS.
Block him, tell the kids' parents he is blocked. Find another way for "emergency" contact.
[This message edited by gmc94 at 2:39 PM, May 20th, 2019 (Monday)]
M >25yrs/grown kids
DD1 1994 ONS prostitute
DD2 2018 exGF1 10+yrEA & 10yrPA... + exGF2 EA forever & "made out" 2017
9/18 WH hung himself- died but revived
It's rude to say "I love you" with a mouthful of lies
HopeinGod ( new member #66549) posted at 4:05 PM on Tuesday, May 21st, 2019
Hello 30yearheartbreak, awful awful what he is doing! There is no logic behind his actions. It's plain hurtful. Please do consider deleting him from your list. Is he the primary caregiver for your grandson? Is there anyone else, grandson's parents or other relatives, that can contact you in an emergency? Please take care of yourself, blessings
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