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Exposing the A

Confised1222 posted 5/19/2019 14:59 PM

I see a lot of comments on posts where people say to expose the A to the BS family and the other persons significant other and family. Has anyone had success doing this? What do you gain from doing this?
I honestly haven't done this yet and I feel, at least in my situation, it may make things worse. Just wondering what can be gained from doing this.

[This message edited by Confised1222 at 3:00 PM, May 19th (Sunday)]

Butforthegrace posted 5/19/2019 15:30 PM

If you know without doubt, right now, that you plan to divorce your cheating spouse, there is little to be gained. However, if you are not certain, exposure can:

Forge an ally with the OBS, with whom you can share information

Put the cockroaches in the light of day, where you can see exactly what they're doing

Give your cheating spouse the perspective to understand how fucked up his actions are, via the "wtf" looks he gets from others who know

Help you heal by way of in-laws, etc., reaching out to offer you comfort and support

cocoplus5nuts posted 5/19/2019 16:31 PM

It's important to tell the OBP, if there is one. First, they have a right to know what's going on with their lives. 2nd, they can help stop it.

If it's a work A, exposing to the employer can contribute to it stopping.

It can be helpful for the BP to tell their family so they can get support. Telling the CP's family can help get the CP to realize what they are doing. It's not much fun when everyone in your life is disgusted by your behavior.

How do you think exposing would make things worse?

Confised1222 posted 5/19/2019 16:58 PM

I am worried about the other woman. We've already requested no contact and said we would file a ppo for harassment if she contacted again. I don't believe she is mentally stable and am worried what she, or her boyfriend will do. Also, if I tell my husband's friends and family, I am worried he will be mad and it could cause even more problems between us. I. Tried to get him to talk to his family about it and he refuy saying he couldn't tell anyone because he is too ashamed.

Confised1222 posted 5/19/2019 17:07 PM

[This message edited by Confised1222 at 5:08 PM, May 19th (Sunday)]

babypuke posted 5/19/2019 17:37 PM

Exposure of the affair is mainly a method to break and stop the affair, usually the family will disapprove of the affair and put pressure on those involved to stop and not repeat. It also brings relief in that the betrayed person no longer has to carry the secret, and it is something going on in that person's life so (s)he has every right to talk about it to others. It also brings support, but family members of the person who cheated may sometimes be found less supportive. Should you not expose then keep it as a sword above his head. Strength!

Buster123 posted 5/19/2019 17:44 PM

It also helps with having consequences, the WS should feel the embarrassment of exposure, they need to remember the A as the one thing that damaged their reputation and integrity and not as something "magical, beautiful and romantic", the more they hate the A and its consequences, the more they will hate the AP therefore they're less likely to cheat again in the future, if they suffer little to no consequences they will be more likely to cheat again.

Confised1222 posted 5/19/2019 18:28 PM

Ok. That all makes sense. Thank you!!

cocoplus5nuts posted 5/19/2019 18:37 PM

I think it's pretty common to fear retaliation from the AP and/or their SO. I don't think the fears are commonly realized. Fear is one way for them to continue to manipulate and control.

WRT your H's shame, that is his to bear. He should've thought of that before he cheated. You being afraid he will get angry is yet another control tactic. If he is truly remorseful, he will not get angry at you no matter who you tell. He will understand he deserves it. If you think his family will support you and put pressure on him to do the right thing, tell them. If they won't, don't bother.

The1stWife posted 5/20/2019 04:04 AM

I was very angry after DDay2 that my family knew and his didn’t. So he told them he had been cheating.

Then I realized he glossed over it - like I had a “little” affair. So I told them myself. It was not just an Affair but he wanted a D. He was going to kick me to the curb to be with the OW.

That was my revenge against him - I ousted him so his family knows the real him!!!

sewardak posted 5/20/2019 06:59 AM

"I am worried he will be mad"

stop this. YOU get to decide how to move forward. Not him. Are you in IC?

Wool94 posted 5/20/2019 07:23 AM

I am worried he will be mad and it could cause even more problems between us.

Wow, I'm so sorry you are here, but you should be livid.

If he gets mad about exposure, what kind of person is he? He should be willing to move heaven and earth to make you happy. Let's get this straight, this will take years for you to get over.

It's time to find your anger.

Now about your question, you tell the OBS, not for your gain, but because it's the right thing to do.

At one point I was the spouse that didn't know.

The OBS had caught them texting, but never told me.

When I actually found out she was cheating, it was a relief because I knew I wasn't crazy.

There could be other factors as well, if an STD is involved, the OBS has a right to know.

[This message edited by Wool94 at 7:24 AM, May 20th (Monday)]

Wool94 posted 5/20/2019 07:26 AM

I guess I don't understand fearing the BS or OBS. my RAGE during that time had them fearing me.

Find your anger!!!

[This message edited by Wool94 at 7:27 AM, May 20th (Monday)]

layla1234 posted 5/20/2019 07:51 AM

This comes under the category of a consequence of a choice they made. They will never learn from it if they don't deal with consequences for their actions.

Chaos posted 5/20/2019 08:18 AM

Learn from the Mistake of Chaos. On DDay1 I didn't inform for a variety of reasons. I truly thought I was doing the right thing for everyone involved. Even though it haunted me to my core. I knew it was wrong - yet I listened to the voices of others.

WRONG. It went underground for another 18 frigging months. A plus is I made use of that time investigating AP/OBS. I had a file 1/2" thick. And a letter all drafted with proof. When I learned NC was broken [DDay2] I mailed it [anonymously - it ultimately was never received]

I'll never forget DDay3 when I realized they were still at it. I had to dial twice because my hands were shaking so badly. I had found OBS work cell and used that [no chance of interception]. I told no one I was doing it. The conversation went something like this:

Chaos - Hi. My name is Chaos. Your wife AP and my husband WH have been having an affair for 4.5 years. I originally found out DDay1 and thought it had stopped. I recently found out they were still in contact and it is still ongoing. I should have told you sooner. I'm very sorry.

OBS - Wow. You're not the first upset wife I've ever talked to

And we were in contact about 2 weeks piecing together the pieces.

Yes there was fallout for them both - and both families. Too damn bad.

Yes, a trip to my local precinct was involved as AP made a threat. And even though she lived in another state - I wasn't taking chances.

Funny thing - if you don't want someone to find out what you did - don't do it to begin with.

Laws of Physics apply here - things they all learned in school.

Every action has an equal and opposite reaction.

A body in motion remains in motion until stopped by an equal and opposite force. BE THAT FORCE.

JSS1227 posted 5/20/2019 10:22 AM

Confised1222 I understand what you’re saying about it possibly making things worse..I did not expose the A to either mine or WH’s family, as they are both dysfunctional (and his is a family of narcs that are downright abusive), and I thought it would only make things worse. And I, especially in the early days, just could not handle things getting any worse. I did however expose the A to OBS, and I feel this is a huge step that cannot be overstated, for so many reasons, including what Chaos has already stated. I began attempting to contact OBS on DDay, and got in touch with him a few days later. It turns out, he discovered the A about a month prior; he originally was going to try to tell me, but after he confronted WH in a fb message, WH immediately logged in to my fb and blocked OBS. When OBS saw the next day that he was blocked, he had second thoughts about telling me. He said he didn’t want to blow up the life of someone he had never met. MOW lied to him about how long, said it was just texting and then they had sex once (all lies). OBS and MOW began reconciling, which was actually just rugsweeping. She never had any intention of truly R with OBS, as she continued her A with my WH. They continued to text, email, meet up for sex, the ILY’s increased, and she began trying to convince WH to leave me. After my DDay and I exposed the A to OBS and he had to go through DDay 2, learn the true nature of the A and that he had been in false R for a month, he realized he should have followed through with telling me from the beginning, something he has apologized to me for numerous times. I had a right to know, and it would have been more difficult for WH and MOW to continue sneaking around with both of us on the alert. I also exposed the A to a few of mine and WH’s friends that also knew MOW (not knew of the A, but knew her), so they would know what a stupid ass he is and what kind of person/whore she is. My XH and his W also know..we’re all friends and great coparents, and they had a right to know what was going on in the other home of the children. They, along with OBS in the early weeks, are actually my biggest supporters, and the ones that check on me the most..I’m lucky to have such a great relationship with them. I don’t regret telling any of them. But I still stand by my decision to not tell our families (for now...we’re in limbo, so it still may come out eventually).

Confised1222 posted 5/20/2019 13:35 PM

Thank you all!! I contacted the OBS via Facebook Messenger and told him his girlfriend is cheating on him. I wish I had a phone number to call him too.
I signed up for IC and had my first session scheduled last week, but it was an absolute disaster!! Not going back to that office so I called a few more places today. I'm still debating on telling his friends and family. If we reconcile, I might make him tell them,but I'll make sure I'm there so it actually happens. That might be worse for him than me telling everyone.

LCC18 posted 5/20/2019 14:11 PM

It is all situation dependent.

However, I believe that the other spouse involved deserves to know. Think about all of the pain and hurt that you may have experienced before finding out, just because of the difference in your relationship or the paranoia or other confusing emotions that may have been occurring. Or, think about how much time could have been wasted if you found out months or years later that your spouse was a liar and a cheated. I think they need to know. But go about it in the delicate way and not malicious.

OptionedOut posted 5/22/2019 11:45 AM

Worked for me!

Along with, "That's it. I'm done. WE are done!"

I told his sisters. I told friends. Without it, he was insistent that he was doing nothing wrong and that she was just a friend.

Also, do the 180. I wish I had SI when this went down and had done it. Would've saved me some pain.

StillLivin posted 5/23/2019 11:13 AM

I guess I don't understand fearing the BS or OBS. my RAGE during that time had them fearing me.

I have a hard time relating because of this same sentiment. His wingnuts AP called me after Dday threatening me because he threw her under the bus. My complete rage caused her to take pause. She still did stupid shit, but she NEVER came to my home.
Regardless of her issues, you have choices if she chooses to act a fool. Your first option is to call the police immediately if she comes to your home. If she calls or threatens you, get a restraining order. If she makes herself more of an immediately threat you have the right to defend yourself.
Shrek THOUGHT she was crazy until she met me and my post Dday rage!
You've had great guidance why its important to inform the OBS so I won't beat a dead horse. I'm sorry your spouse brought you to SI but you couldn't find a better group of people to support you out of infidelity.

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