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Lost and confused

Leftbehind42 posted 5/14/2019 11:54 AM

Last June my husband left me and moved out, in September he told me he wanted to reconcile. In Dec he moved back in. 2 weeks ago he told me that there has been an emotional affair all along. He had cut it off with her in February but she contacted him April 25 and he went and saw her and he has decided to leave me for her so that they can be together.

Iím so hurt. Iíd still like to save my marriage but it seems impossible since he says sheís his soul mate and his forever.

Anyone else been in this place?

What happens next?

We have a small child together.

SaddestDad posted 5/14/2019 11:58 AM

Hey Leftbehind,
I'm sorry you've officially joined the shitstorm of chaos & madness. Regardless, welcome. I'm a newbie myself, but there's some freaking awesome people here who can help you put a bit of order to said shitstorm of chaos.

If I may ask, where was it that he went to go see her?

Also, when he moved out, had he moved in with her?

Leftbehind42 posted 5/14/2019 12:07 PM

He says he just met her in a restaurant for dinner.

Heís still in our home, in the spare room. The real estate agent in coming today to list it and heís got a space lined up for June 1 to move into.

Lalagirl posted 5/14/2019 12:37 PM

((((Leftbehind42))))

Welcome to SI. I am truly sorry for the reason that you are here, but glad that you found us. This is an awesome group who will have your back.

First things first - see an attorney to know your rights. Knowledge is power and the more power you have right now, the better. Since you have a child (and he does not seem to give a rat's ass about that at present), it's imperative that you are set for CS & possibly spousal support. Filing for D does not mean you have to go through with it; often times it shakes a WS from his/her "fog."

See a doctor, get tested for STDs and ask him or her for something to help you cope/sleep.

Exercise & hydration - very important. Drink protein shakes if you have to.

YOU cannot save your M if your WH is not in it. He's in Rainbowskittlefartland right now; with the OW, he has no "real" responsibilities; that ship will sail once he moves in with her.

In the meantime, expose this A. Tell her SO/spouse if she has one. Tell friends and family. Affairs survive in secrecy...blow the secret wide open.

Others will be along with lots of support and advice. In the meantime, take care of YOU and your baby.

Anyone else been in this place?

Oh, sweetie, there are more of us who have BTDT on this site than you can imagine...

Sending strength & hugs...

Lala

tushnurse posted 5/14/2019 12:41 PM

Do not list the home or sell anything until you personally have seen an attorney for you and you alone.

There is nothing you can do to save your relationship, unless you are willing to be a third person in an unfaithful marriage.
As far as this being only emotional, I would bet my lunch that it's been far more for quite some time. For that reason you need to get full STD testing done to protect your own health.

While there talk about what is going on, and if you are not eating or sleeping let your Dr know. Ask for referral for a counselor that specializes in trauma and PTSD. This is a significant and real trauma and for a lot of us the worst thing we have ever gone through upon the day we arrive here.

If his soulmate/schmoopie doopie has a spouse let him know. A's live and thrive in secrecy and soulmates are a delusion of that secrecy.

You will get through this and you will survive. Check out the healing library upper left side of your screen. Keep reading and posting as well.

Charity411 posted 5/14/2019 13:53 PM

I agree that you should not list your house. At least not this quickly. You seem to be dealing with a hit and run situtation. He's trying to lock this in as fast as he can, while you don't have all the information about what you've been dealing with. For all you know, he's already decided to buy another house with her at your expense. His actions scream of long term planning on his part to minimize his costs and float happly along to his new life. Don't fall for it.

Contacting an attorney and having him/her look into it is a way to protect yourself. Will it make your WH happy. Hell no. But who cares. He's made it clear that you're on your own, so take care of yourself because he certainly won't.

The1stWife posted 5/14/2019 18:38 PM

Just because he has a new place lined up does not mean he can uproot you and your child.

Heís looking for fast cash - he needs it. He may not be able to afford both places. Isnít that just too bad. I guess he did not have a good financial plan for the next chapter.

And you should not make it easy for him. See a lawyer. Time for temporary alimony and child support ASAP. This way if he doesnít pay - he lands in jail or loses his license.

Do not let him call the shots. He is counting on this.

annb posted 5/16/2019 05:53 AM

Hi, welcome to SI.

I understand you are hurting, but you need to play hardball.

He's calling the shots.

Put yourself in the driver's seat, and meet with a shark attorney. or TWO.

Do not put your house on the market.

Do not have sex with him, do not cook for him, don't do his laundry, nothing.

He wants to get his ducks in a row asap, it doesn't work that way. Cut him off at the pass. Let a good attorney handle this.

fareast posted 5/16/2019 07:01 AM

Leftbehind42:

Sorry you find yourself here. Read in the healing library. I think you understand you canít control your WH or make him want to save your M. You have received great advice. Please take action to protect you and your child. Donít list the house. See an attorney and learn your rights. If it were me I would file for D. I think if you donít take decisive action he will keep trying to yo-yo back and forth keeping you in a hellish limbo. Sometimes you have to risk the M to save it. Filing for D may snap him out of his fog or not, but either way you will be out of infidelity. The path to D or R runs along the same path for a long distance and if your WH demonstrates actions that you consider worthy, you can always suspend the D process. Good luck.

Notmine posted 5/16/2019 07:50 AM

HELLLLLL NO! See a lawyer asap. He cannot sell the house out from under you and your child. Take 1/2 money out of any joint accounts and put it in an account in your name. Cancel credit cards the two of you share and get one in your name only. I agree that he is thinking that he will be able to float off into the sunset leaving you holding the bag. Time to put the bitch boots on.

Dismayed2012 posted 5/16/2019 08:31 AM

As others have said LB. Lawyer up quickly. Don't sell any marital assets until after the divorce. Read in the Healing Library about the 180 and employ it for your own sanity. There are rules of engagement when one partner wants to dissolve the marriage and he's not following them. He's going to see you as a bitch standing in the way of his happiness but you've got to protect your future. Unless you're independently wealthy, you need to take defensive steps now.

His fantasy land relationship with the other woman will come crashing down soon enough and he may come begging back again. If he does, have a post-nuptial agreement drafted, signed, and filed so that the marital asset division is worked out in advance of any divorce proceedings. Given his history, you'll be needing it even if you decide to R again.

I wish the best for you.

MamaDragon posted 5/16/2019 09:14 AM

Ditto to what others have said - See a Lawyer (or three) find out what your options are and DO NOT LIST THE HOUSE!

pureheartkit posted 5/16/2019 19:14 PM

He doesn't get to decide, cash out and leave you hanging. I agree on all the bank account, cards, etc. Don't let him bully you. Find a lawyer and see if you can keep him from charging debt you will have to pay half of later.

I would file and prepare myself legally. He's not being fair so you have no choice but to protect yourself. Please don't wait.

heartbroken_kk posted 5/16/2019 19:42 PM

I would be very suspicious that he has come home as a strategy to get better terms in the divorce, so you can't claim he abandoned you and your child.

He's been screwing this person. It's not an "emotional affair", it's just a standard run of the mill affair with all the sordid sex to go with it. He's been living with her, guaranteed.

DON'T sign to list the house. If you've made that mistake already today, contact the real estate broker immediately and let them know you are retracting your agreement and will not cooperate with showing or accept any offers on the house. Tell them you want to stay in the house and the house is a marital asset that will be handled in the divorce process and not before.

Get yourself down to the bank. First, open a credit card in your own name, before doing anything else. THEN, cancel joint cards. Open a new checking account in your name only, and transfer half of all balances into that account. If your WH has direct deposit, check when the last deposit was and try to get into the account the day his next paycheck hits and get half of that too.

See a bunch of attorneys, especially if you life in a small town you want to visit as many as you can for a consultation, this will make it really hard for him to find a lawyer to represent him that is local because if they have already met you they can't represent him.

Get an appointment with your doctor and get tested for STDs (full panel!) and if you need help sleeping or coping with depression or anxiety discuss if there are some meds you can try short term to help you cope.

Find a counselor who can help you with your feelings and help guide you with a practical plan for finding your way back to happiness. You should hunt for one who has experience with infidelity and divorce.

Keep posting here. Post as often as you want. Answer questions, ask questions. We are here to help you.

heartbroken_kk posted 5/16/2019 19:44 PM

Oh, and DON'T tell him about this place. If he has access to your phone or you have a shared computer, put passwords on so you can protect your search history and he can't find out what websites you've been visiting.

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