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My relationship is ending tonight. What do we need to cover?

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singlecatmom posted 5/13/2019 12:54 PM

Together five years. Engaged for one. Wedding this Fall, which I am assuming is called off. He had an affair with a co-worker for 6 months. I suspected it the whole time (just not who it was). He was caught Monday 05/06 via photographic evidence sent to me by his other co-workers. He owned up to it immediately. Continued telling her he loved and missed her through Thursday. Decided Thursday night to reconcile with me, sent her an "I need space" text. He broke that Sunday when they worked together and he told her he loved her. He came home last night to tell me he was choosing her.

Background: I do not blame myself for his decision to have an affair. However...
I have spent the last year and a half very depressed. I was sexually assaulted January 2018, which triggered some past domestic violence stuff. He knows about the DV... I never disclosed the SA. That is my biggest regret. I didn't want to rock the boat, as our relationship was perfect and it was a seemingly brief incident I thought I could get past. However, the trauma did take hold of me, and I sunk into a state of catatonia. No touching, kissing, laughing, joy, connection, etc from my end. Totally checked out. He proposed in this time frame. Begged me to seek help for what he thought was work stress. I blew him off.

He told me he stopped loving me in November 2018. I decided to get therapy in December 2018- right when the affair began.

Here we are now. Last night, as we were ending it, he asked me one last time where I was for that entire year... where my heart went. And I told him.

He was hurt that I kept it inside so long. He held me all night. Told me I'd be okay. He embraced me. He asked me questions. He apologized for not pushing me harder to see someone sooner. He was worried for me. He told me it all made sense now. He told me he should have seen it. He told me this was the first moment in 18 months he has seen a genuine emotion from me, except the day we got engaged. He is right. I should have told him sooner- I just thought I'd move on from it.

Here we are at this morning. We agreed last night, before the disclosure, to use this evening for logistics. Cancelling the wedding, breaking our lease, splitting possessions, cat custody, that whole thing. He seemed 100% done last night. Then this morning, I inform him I'll be calling my mom to get some help with this break up. He told me not to. Said he didn't know what he wanted. He wanted to process my news for the day.

I know in my heart he loves the AP and is picking her. It was too late for me to truly explain my behavior and make amends for it. He made terrible decisions, and I know he will be leaving me for good tonight.

My heart is shattered. I don't even know where to start with these logistics. Any road maps for me? I want to go NC with him today, so I'd like everything wrapped up and a plan made by tonight.

Ugh. Will I ever feel better?

Thanks for listening.

Marz posted 5/13/2019 13:00 PM

It may not seem like it now but life does go on.

Get some help for what you've been through. SA should have been taken more seriously. It can have long term effects as you've seen.

Take care of yourself first and foremost

Thanksgiving2016 posted 5/13/2019 13:05 PM

(((Singlecatmom))). Stay the course with the breakup if you donít you will never get a moment of peace constantly wondering and thatís if he doesnít still choose this AP. Get some counseling ASAP not to fix the relationship but to process both traumas. I wish you speedy healing

singlecatmom posted 5/13/2019 13:07 PM

Thank you, Marz. I have been in weekly therapy since December. I did disclose the SA to her recently. Hoping that will help.

Cooley2here posted 5/13/2019 13:12 PM

His leaving you is the third time youíve been victimized. Please understand that you have toget help and that is what you need to focus on. He has moved on and probably considers you someone he used to love and still cares for. I hope more than anything that once you come out the other side of this you can find some joy in life. I hope at some point you can open yourself up to another person so that you can love and be loved. Right now you need to find out how to love yourself. Trauma, such as you have had, stops everything. I give him credit He did try to find out what was the matter. That is all Iím giving him credit for because he knew better than to cheat on you. He should have called off the wedding immediately and not allowed you to have even more pain. Look after yourself and please come here to let people support you.

Marz posted 5/13/2019 13:20 PM

Thank you, Marz. I have been in weekly therapy since December. I did disclose the SA to her recently. Hoping that will help.

Good, internalizing which you've been doing is harmful.

I hope and think you'll move forward a lot quicker now.

Lalagirl posted 5/13/2019 13:24 PM


Said he didn't know what he wanted.

Translation - You are Plan B. If things don't work out in "noresponsibilityland" - I'll be back.

sorry, I am angry FOR you. You'll find that anger soon enough.

You're better than Plan B.

You may have culpability regarding the issues in your relationship, but his choice to cheat is 100% on HIM.

Keep posting - we're here for you.

Sending you strength & lots of hugs...


[This message edited by Lalagirl at 1:24 PM, May 13th (Monday)]

OptionedOut posted 5/13/2019 13:25 PM

I just wanted to give you a gentle virtual hug and tell you to please get into counseling. You've been through soooooo much. My heart goes out to you.

ChamomileTea posted 5/13/2019 13:28 PM

Nothing you did (or did not) do caused this guy to cheat on you. He had choices, even the hard choice of ending the relationship. Instead, he chose to cheat on you for six months. Six months of daily lies which he continued until he couldn't deny the proof of it. Yeah, you checked out. How does cheating solve that particular problem? It doesn't.

Please don't accept any blame for another person's inability to act within the range of their own stated values.


[This message edited by ChamomileTea at 1:28 PM, May 13th (Monday)]

sewardak posted 5/13/2019 13:33 PM

"He told me he stopped loving me in November 2018"

not really. He stopped loving himself. He knew what he was doing was wrong yet still engaged in it and destroyed his integrity and value system. It had nothing to do with you.
the fact that he didn't confess and that you aren't married makes this kind of a no brainer. Honey, there is nothing wrong with you. There IS something wrong with him. Be glad you dodged this bullet. He doesn't deserve you. A classy guy would have broken up first before having an affair. What a dick.

Rustylife posted 5/13/2019 13:43 PM

It's very easy to be nice and caring when things are going well. His real character came through when you needed him the most. This doesn't mean that he was obliged to stay with you but his actions have victimized you. With little care he strung you along till he found someone else for himself. Let the two cheaters have each other. Cease all communications except logistics. He's not your friend and certainly not someone you can safely share your feelings with.

Get away from him. Find professional help to deal with the trauma. Also, don't ever think that "he was the one that got away." If he was someone worth having, he would have broken up with you in Nov'18.

MamaDragon posted 5/13/2019 13:47 PM

Stay the course. Make sure you separate finances if you haven't already. If neither of you are staying where you live, make sure that all bills are covered so nothing comes back to bite you in the end.

He made the choice to leave you when he slept with his co-worker so his waffling on who to choose is his guilt over not knowing something horrible happened to you. Don't play into his game, you will always wonder about why he suddenly choose to stay. IF in the future you come back into each others orbit then you start a new relationship with him. Otherwise, once you have separated completely from him - cut contact. Don't be friendly, don't be FB friends - do a 180 and end it. He can't have his cake and eat it too - and you know his AP is not going to want him to be friendly to you. It is a sucky situation and I can only offer huge virtual hugs.

FYI, if it was me this situation, I'd make sure that their bosses know, just cause I'm a bit mean. The fact that you are handling this in such a mature calm manner shows you are a classy person.

Continue therapy, tell your Mom he cheated - if you can't voice the other things, at least she can be support for the breakup.

singlecatmom posted 5/13/2019 13:55 PM

((MamaDragon)) Yes, the stinger is that everyone at his job (my old job- my friends) already know. He has gotten in trouble for their relationship. He says he'll quit- which would have been his answer whether he picked me or her, considering they can't work together now.

He wants his cake and to eat it too. That's been clear for months. It's cliche- when he's in the room with her, he loves her. When he's in the room with me, he loves me. I can't keep feeling like it's 50/50 when i was supposed to be his WIFE and she is a gf of 5 months. I'm sick over this.

MamaDragon posted 5/13/2019 15:28 PM


Best advice I can give you for while you are cohabitating is this - 180 him. Don't be mean to him but don't go out of your way to be 'girlfriend-ish". IE if you cooked for him in the past, don't do it. Cook yourself something and eat it. (read up on 180 in healing library). If he asks a question, answer with short, to the point answers. Treat him like he is someone coming to your office that you have to help w/customer service. Polite but not overly friend type of relationship. He is a stranger to you now, treat him as such.

Don't be a martyr, make him take on the responsibility of cancelling at least half the wedding stuff. Announce it on FB that you are breaking up and when asked why - tell them. It is nothing on you, it is not your shame it is all his.

Keep yourself busy - find a hobby, exercise, eat healthy & try to get enough sleep. See your IC if you need meds to help with stress. Meet up with friends, go on a spa day, weekend get away...never let him see you upset. Why? for one thing it is ego kibbles for him to know you are will drive him batty to think you are NOT pining & won't let this get you down.

***contact the three credit companies and let them know that your information may have gotten out - just in case he tries to pull a fast one on you w/your credit. My ex got so many cards in my name and it took me years to fix it. not saying he is a dog like mine but...better to be safe than sorry.

Have you joined any victims of violent crimes groups? I've worked with some and they seemed to help my daughter after her attack.

I know it is tough but you got this, you are *more* than this relationship and *more* than he deserves!

MamaDragon posted 5/13/2019 15:29 PM

And call your Mom.

My Mom was the best friend I had when I was going through my WH's affair. You think I'm mean? She wrote not only the chapter on how to treat a wayward but the whole book!

plus, you always have someone in your corner.

iamweasel posted 5/13/2019 17:49 PM

I am so very sorry for you.I hope you dont let him string you along as a possible plan B. You deserve better than that.
I wish you all the best in getting through what you've had to deal with. I can't even begin to imagine how tough that is.

totallydumb posted 5/13/2019 21:28 PM


He has shown you who he is. Believe him.

When the chips are down, and you are in distress (for whatever reason) he will go looking for comfort else where. He does not have your best interests in his mind. It is all about him. Pure selfishness.

It doesn't matter what or why you were going through a rough time. He was not in the least interested in your well being.

What about the next time you need support? Will it be okay for him to seek out others then as well?

Like I said, he has shown you who he really is.

StupidJulie posted 5/14/2019 01:28 AM

I have not been here in "forever" but a friend is now dealing with this so I felt I should check in. First of all, you have been through a lot and apparently, "Mr. Wonderful" was completely clueless you were in distress (mumbles inappropriate words under her breath). Also...100% agree with @totallydumb. You have been "plan B" for a while.....You need more gentle hugs than I can imagine....(((((singlecatmom)))).

hadji posted 5/14/2019 01:37 AM

Listen. I found the girl I was engaged to (who I had been with for 5 years) falling for her co-worker. That was a decade ago. As much as it hurt me, I realized, it will only hurt me more to stay and give up my dignity for someone who made me an option. Heartbreak is for a shorter duration. To continue to live with someone who longed for else even for a brief period of time, is a life-long nagging hurt. Do you want the latter? I can understand it when betrayed spouses do it for their kids or for finances. What have you got to lose, except a man who did not have the decency to not cheat?

Thank your stars that you have known his worth. You are more stronger for this. And please, get into therapy for the SA.

LLXC posted 5/14/2019 11:25 AM

You know what? Fuck him, big time. He stopped loving you last November? And why, pray tell, did he not break up with you then? Why did you need to find out about this relationship from his co-workers? What would have happened if they hadn't told you?

You are well rid of him.

Yes, it sucks for him that you were disconnected and he didn't know why. He handled it in the worst way possible and I am sorry

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