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I'd like opinions from whomever - this is the exact apology letter sent to me by WW today. Before I mention my feelings and view on it, I'd like to know your unbiased thoughts (so I can determine if my reaction is appropriate or inappropriate).

My first apology is not having done this sooner. Maybe I needed that extra time to truly understand and see my behavior through your eyes and not how I wanted to remember those times. To see the truth as it was and not as I thought you were seeing it. I have to apologize for all of those times and years that I was the most selfish human being on the planet. The times when I should have been throwing every part of myself into you and building a relationship with you and instead I was only thinking of myself and cheating you out of everything you yearned desperately for, begged for and truly deserved. I half assed the building blocks of our relationship. I took you and your love for granted. I selfishly took it for myself and gave little to none in return. I used the cheapest building materials available to me and I took all the shortcuts that I could and now as a result our marriage is barely holding together such a short time later with scotch tape and chewing gum. I made you feel like a fool. You expressed your unhappiness, you clearly asked for what you knew you needed time and time and time again and I not only denied you of what it was that you needed and wanted but I gave all of those exact same things effortlessly to others and made you feel like a fool at the same time. I psychologically abused you by doing all of this and I withheld all of your emotional and physical needs for my own protection and lack of caring. I claimed to love you. I said the words but I gave half-assed efforts and whatever effort was given was null and void by the attention, wants and thoughts that I invested into others at the same time. I thought I could have it all. I thought your feelings and needs were irrelevant and you would just deal and we would go on with our lives. I appeased you when it suited me but was so so selfish in accepting and taking your love without giving it back in return. At the time you tried discussing all of this with me. You told me that my efforts were lacking. You told me that you weren’t satisfied. I laughed you off, put a bandaid on the cut. You had no idea what was truly holding me back and could never have imagined such a thing. You didn’t ask once, you didn’t ask twice- you practically begged me everyday about your need and desire to have a honeymoon period. You couldn’t understand where the passion was. It was blatantly lacking and not only did I not offer it to you- I gave it to someone else- and I laughed and belittled your need by saying there is no such thing in our circumstances and that the first year of marriage was supposed to be hard. I didn’t attribute our fights and our problems to my not caring about or satisfying your needs. At the time I was mostly oblivious to my actions. Now I hate myself. I hate that I could have been such an evil and cruel person to someone who loved me so wholeheartedly that you gave me a million chances. Even AFTER dday you have given me a million chances. I think everyday about what I did to you. I see the pain that I caused and I try to do what ever I can to take it away. I vow every day not to be that person anymore. The broken and cruel person who could do such a thing. I know I’m better than that. I know I can be the safe and loving partner that you deserve. I have it in me to put my feelings aside and put your needs first. I think everyday how I’m too little too late. Why couldn’t I have been a stronger and better person when you first needed it. Why couldn’t I have been a stronger and better person and avoided you this lifetime of pain, trauma and agony. I took advantage of you in every way possible. Even after it was over and I was no longer investing myself into others I still stayed comfortable and didn’t give enough of myself into our marriage. I didn’t put in the blood, sweat and tears that you did. I did what made me comfortable without giving too much. This was cruel and unfair to you. Our whole relationship I have been cruel and unfair to you. I broke your giving and generous heart into millions of pieces and now that I yearn for your heart as I should have from the beginning I am left with the shattered remains that will take so much time and healing to put back together. The grace and love that you continue to give every day since dday is what keeps me going. I thought I was invincible. I thought I could forever get away with it. If you hadn’t discovered it for yourself, I can’t say I would have found the strength as a person to come clean on my own. What does that say about me? Now not only have the closet doors been opened but the walls are getting torn down. I am shining all the light into it that I can and there will be no where to hide anything. You deserve to know every single truth and detail. It was always wrong of me to hold back- hold back from you what I gave to others, hold back details that caused me to withdraw further. I was a liar. I was the best liar. If not for an accident I most likely would have continued to lie. No more lies. Our relationship can not tolerate any lies. I beg you from the very depths of my soul to forgive me. I can’t ever expect you to forget but I yearn and beg every day for your continued love, grace and forgiveness. Is that fair? Quite honestly no. I can’t say that it’s fair for me to ask that and you have every right to deny me what I denied you. The exact same thing. You have the right to not try. The right to disconnect. The right to walk away. The right to be cruel and selfish. But as I spend every fiber of my being to change myself for the better for the sake of your continued love that’s all I can do. I can pray, I can hope, I can want- but I can’t expect or demand it. I don’t deserve it after what I did to you. After I ruined your life and changed you as a person forever by my acts of cruelty and betrayals. Not one, not two, but 5 years worth of denying you and betraying you. I have so much to apologize for. It’s up to you to forgive or give grace but regardless of your decision and what you will be able to muster I still need to apologize from the bottom of my heart. I apologize for deceiving you. Lying to you, belittling you, traumatizing you and playing you for a fool. For so many other losses…your loss of confidence, peace of mind, future dreams and plans, trust, sleep, health, your ability to celebrate and feel happiness, finances, time, productivity and focus, your whole belief system, your self-esteem, your spirit, hopes for the future, your faith in your me, your faith in God, even your faith in yourself. For the losses you haven’t even realized yet, I truly and sincerely apologize.

If she is doing the work and showing what you need, it sounds about as sincere and contrite as as a wayward be.

Appears sincere and introspective. Only you know if it is genuinely matched to behaviors and actions.

Maybe I missed it, but no actual mention of "affair" or "adultery". It's almost as if the WS cannot go the full distance...

Nice words. As you know words don't necessarily mean much.

You took a chance before. You willing to do it again?

Word salad. She's "cruel". She's "selfish" She's "broken". But she never says why. Why is she cruel, selfish, broken? Those are the answers which can bring about real change.

I'm not saying she doesn't feel badly about what she's done or that she's not genuine. Becuase frankly, there's no way to tell whether she's genuine or not until you've observed her actions over a long period of time. It's not incumbent upon you do do that though if you don't want to. No cheater is owed a second chance.

Bottom line.. it's a gesture. It indicates that she wants to continue the marriage, that much is clear. The rest of its authenticity can only be determined by time and action. That is, if you're willing to wait. It's your call.

Maybe I missed it, but no actual mention of "affair" or "adultery".

Agreed, JSG. Wasn't sure if that was just me or otherwise.

As you know words don't necessarily mean much.

Marz, I've definitely learned that lesson the coldest way possible... along with the rest of the BS' on the forum.

One thing that irked me (which is why I posted to gain insight) is that there was no detail whatsoever listing the ways that I was treated poorly. There was no focus on specifics (which I specifically asked for when she asked what should be in an apology letter to me).

Am I being too critical? Am I not being critical enough? Dear lord, this shit gets confusing.

One more point... I've been suggesting to write this since the end of February. I've been emphasizing that retail's what I need in everything and anything that's done, as I consider detail to show effort.

So, this apology letter wasn't her own idea?

Sounds like you know the score.

I know of 2 who just stayed anyway but you do have to accept it for what it is.

So, this apology letter wasn't her own idea?

Sadly, Chamomile, nothing at all has ever been her own idea. Literally every step of the way has to be either hinted at, suggested, or blatantly advised/demanded. Nothing's ever done of her own accord.

I know how that sounds.

To her credit, she does try to do things based upon her own interpretations and gets very dismayed when she realizes (or when I point-blank tell her) that it was completely off the mark.

All that said, she has never been able to apologize about anything. Our whole marriage, the apologies have always been with a twist after the delays and gaslighting (funny how many different ways gaslighting can be a potent tool). Because of that, I know this has been difficult for her to write, even with the details that I specifically requested being left out... so I'm still torn in my thoughts.

Sorry to hear that, SaddestDad. Since it wasn't from the heart, even in a 'misguided but trying' sort of way, I wouldn't subscribe any meaning to it. She might've had to eat some crow, but that wouldn't be an indicator (or not) that she's feeling remorse. It's just telling you that she wants to stay and she's willing to appease you to do so.

It's just telling you that she wants to stay and she's willing to appease you to do so.

Sigh. I don't even know what to do anymore. On one hand, I can't expect her to read my mind. On the other hand, it feels like everything she does is only after badgered to do so.

Regardless of such, it does feel like she's making effort... but to what purpose if she can't seem to think for herself?

It's almost like I'm now a dictator bragging about the masses of citizens cheering for me every morning when they've been commanded to do so. Do they cheer? Sure they do, they're afraid of the guillotine. But if not for that fear, would they still cheer?

....even with the details that I specifically requested being left out... so I'm still torn in my thoughts.

Now that I know more, I think she is not a safe WW yet. Has not figured out, or possibly still fights crossing that line between owning it vs sounding like like she does.

If this required your prodding, reminding, driving, honing, guiding, she does not own it. Not all WW's are capable of being safe in the way that a BS requires to be vulnerable.

She is not there yet. Maybe on the way. Only you know that.

Sigh. I don't even know what to do anymore. On one hand, I can't expect her to read my mind. On the other hand, it feels like everything she does is only after badgered to do so.

Regardless of such, it does feel like she's making effort... but to what purpose if she can't seem to think for herself?

Not to be too cold about it, but I would read that letter and just say "thank you". And then just sit back and see what else she does or what her actions are. Its a letter. Thats it. But since she does not do anything on her own (and I have one as well) and you feel like you are the dictator, if you are anything like me you have been programmed your whole marriage to take care of things and take care of her, you now need to learn yourself to stop doing that. Stop giving her a life line. She does not need to read your mind, you have told her over and over.

The hardest part for a BS is to let go. Keep working on yourself, find out why you accept so little for yourself. And again I say this as someone who is back in IC and working on things for myself. I promise you she is not stupid, she knows that she needs to do more, she just knows what little she has to do to get you to sweep in and start leading the way.

What is the worse thing that happens if you just let this letter slide and just politely say thank you and sit back and watch? Why do you feel you need to respond at all? I know its super hard cuz you feel you won one small victory, but remember you are trying to win the war.

Just my 2 cents. Its up to you in how you handle it.

There are so many vague words in that letter, I really struggled to get any meaning out of this, maybe my English is not good enough or something, I really don't know. Or maybe she is doing the "if you can not convince them, confuse them" routine? I really can't see the wood for the trees here, sorry, not much help from me.

Saddest,

IMO, I'd tell her that her letter did not fulfill the basic requirements you stated you needed addressed. You wanted details, etc. It goes to prove as she has said in her letter that she isnt strong enough to give you enough of herself to help you heal.

Maybe the simple solution is to sit back and watch for 60-90 days the effort she makes. On. Her. Own.

When my H begged for another chance to R after DDay2- I was mentally worn out. We just suffered a very unexpected death in my family and DDay2 within days of each other. I basically told him I would give him a chance to R but I was not going to help him. He was on his own.

So your wife writes you a letter you told her to write. Hmmmmm - now you question it’s sincerity. Catch 22 IMO.

But you can say and do nothing and see what she does on her own.

That will provide you with a better gauge of where you are headed. If she does the bare minimum or nothing, that will show you she is not willing to do everything necessary to repair the marriage and make amends.

She can read and find a million articles or books on life after infidelity. She doesn’t need to be a genius to find the information.

But you, my friend, need to stop leading her. Success or failure is up to her. And her alone. You need to stop dragging her along the Reconciliation path. She either walks on this path of her own free will. Or you will be stuck in this warp forever.

And this is no way to live.

I think she’s trying and wouldn’t give up on her.

As you know words don't necessarily mean much.

I would scream this from the roof every day! I couldn't agree more.

Thank you all for your input and insight.

I believe I will follow your suggestion, 1stWife. But I do have a question...

On many threads, WS' are suggested to ask their BS' what the BS wants or needs to heal. They're always told to the effect of, "well, you can't work on something if you don't know what he/she wants..."

So if she's asking me what I want or need and I DON'T give her an answer, how can I expect anything?

If I do give her an answer and she does it, then how is it from the heart??

Furthermore, if she asks and I don't respond (or I don't explain why it is/isn't good after she makes an attempt) OR if she does something that still screams of wayward thinking (but I don't call her out on it & explain how or why it is), then how can I reasonably expect positive change from her?

[This message edited by SaddestDad at 2:56 PM, May 12th (Sunday)]

If I do give her an answer and she does it, then how is it from the heart??

But is sounds like, from your posts, that you did give it to her and she still did not deliver what you asked. Details. Do you have to then tell her which details because how could she know which ones unless you tell her?